when the status quo frustrates.

C’mon ladies, you know you want a taste of the forbidden liberal fruit (in my pants)

Saturday, April 12th, 2008

Hey, girl.



When I’m feeling smooth, I gotta channel my inner Zinczenko.

Yeah, you. Right over there. How YOU doin? It’s okay, you can come closer. I know I’m a liberal and all, but I won’t bite… unless you think it’s naughty to bite. Because it turns out I’m one of the bad boys your mama/pastor/delusional right-wing website warned you about, and I just wanted to draw you in close so I could force-feed you drugs, materialism, and an aversion to handguns. Confused? Well, just sit here on my lap, girl, and let me show you what I’m talking about.

Thanks to Jill, I now know just how wild and wicked I really am. The interview on dating she found with 6 rockin’ conservative chicks has taught me a lot about myself and just want makes me so damn cool. Turns out it’s all about liberalism, baby.

Take Sharon Soon’s story when asked if she’s ever dated liberal men:

I have always had a policy of not dating liberals, but once, after a bad break-up, I dated a couple of liberal guys…

Yeah, baby! We’re that sinister rebound guy lurking in the corner, and you know that totally ups our hotness factor. You need a break from those stuffy conservatives, you come see us for a dose of Teh Fun. She continues:

First of all, they don’t have the same values and I find that to be a fundamental problem. I know a lot of people are willing to accept that, but I’m not. Their whole world view is different from someone who has conservative values and traditional values as a way of life.

Being focused on yourself, and your rights, and materialism, and no ultimate sense of morality — because I guess when you believe in a more secular way of life, a more liberal viewpoint, it’s all about what you can do for yourself and how you can be happy…and you don’t have any belief in absolute truth or religious principles to guide how you live. You get guys who are selfish and into themselves and don’t care so much about humanity, other people, or me — that just leads to a lot of problems.

What can I say, she’s got us all figured out. My Harley has the bumper sticker “Free markets are for pussies.” Highfive! Those selfless corporate charity cases just don’t know what it means to be a real man, to put your own destiny first. Social justice, universal health care, the environment, educational equality — our ideas are obviously selfish, we admit that, but they’re also Patrick Swayze sexy. Besides, who wants to waste time helping those poor losers over at Halliburton when I could be hoarding all the CO2 in the air for myself with my badass tree farm? Or jerking off after the selfish rush I get from paying Medicare taxes?

Shoot, though, who am I kidding? We all know liberalism is the ultimate gateway drug. Sharon concludes:

I also have a problem with guys who are into things like getting completely trashed and doing drugs…

That’s us! The trashed substance abusers! I guess that’s why all those Bud Light ads really feel like they’re talking to me.

Sometimes, though, it’s about what the conservettes don’t say. Cassy Fiano says she doesn’t date liberal guys, but when asked what bugs her most about dating men, one of her answers is:

Grooming in general on dates…it’s really rare to find a guy who can do it right.

Sorry, wimpnuts, looks like we’ve got you licked again. By banning libs from her dating diet, Cassie appears to have been stuck with the slob crowd (though she professes an aversion to “metrosexuals” as well). Don’t worry, Cassie. Whenever you’re ready to take a walk on the liberal side, we’ve got our Axe Body Spray on and our stubble just right. We’re ready to party.

Not all conservative babes totally get what makes us hottie liberals tick, though. Take Michelle Oddis’ complaint:

Another turn-off with liberal guys, at least for me, tends to be 2nd Amendment stuff. Gun rights? I think it’s kind of wimpy when guys don’t think people should be able to protect themselves.

When I’m at the bar trashed on drugs and staring at myself in the mirror, and some dude steps to me, pulling out a gun is weak sauce. Liberal men are LESS wimpy because we throw down with our bare knuckles. We don’t hide behind the 2nd amendment, a.k.a. The Founding Fathers Had Esteem Issues About Their Junk amendment.

For the last word, where else would we turn but the most well-adjusted source of dating advice on Earth, Dawn Eden:

…My experience with liberals is that superficially, they may be more fun to be around. They’re a bit looser and more relaxed. They make an effort to be more sensitive, but the sensitivity only goes so far. It’s easy for a man to keep this illusion of being a great, sensitive romantic if he knows he’s just going to sleep with you and then say good-bye. Anybody can be Mr. Love God for one night or one week or one month.

WooWOOOOO! You heard it from Dawn first. The Liberal Love God Train is leaving the station, honey. You know you want a ride.

12.04.2008 Punkass!, Dawn Eden is Seriously Fucked Up, For the ladies, Zinczenko'd, another fucking sex post 9 Comments

Surfing Yahoo on a 5 minute break causes my head to interact aggressively with my desk

Saturday, March 1st, 2008

Yes, I am working on a Saturday once again, and soon I will be able to reveal to the world why I’ve been racking up 80 hour weeks in 2008. Maybe I should work 80 hours and 5 minutes, though, so I don’t take a moment to catch up on the news. And by news I mean the Associated Press coverage of national and international gooberness.

Future president John McCain would like those dagblasted kids to get off his NAFTA lawn before they scare away all those jumpy little Canadian tanks:

Republican John McCain said the desire by Democratic presidential rivals Hillary Rodham Clinton and Barack Obama to renegotiate the North American Free Trade Agreement would jeopardize crucial military support from Canada.

What sort of nonsense is this? Canada, white people everywhere have been holding you up as the paragon of peacenik decency. Have you secretly been knocking combat boots with the Halliburton crowd?

Canada has 2,500 troops serving in Afghanistan along with 29,000 U.S. soldiers.

Whoa! That’s practically a battalion. Or something. Anyway, add another checkmark by New Zealand as the sexier destination for wealthy crackers who enjoy throwing the deuce.

Meanwhile, when is it okay for a government to kill civilians? When it’s self-defense, of course!

Israeli troops turned heavy firepower on rocket squads bombarding southern Israel Saturday, killing 54 Palestinians in the deadliest day in Gaza since the current round of fighting erupted in 2000.

{…}

In Washington, National Security Council spokesman Gordon Johndroe expressed regret for loss of civilian life on both sides but put most of the blame on the Palestinians.

“There is a clear distinction between terrorist rocket attacks that target civilians and action in self-defense,” he said in a statement.

Maybe things are better over in the world of google news…

01.03.2008 Punkass!, Zinczenko'd 3 Comments

Someone please ask these men to shut the f*** up

Sunday, December 2nd, 2007

Life is good when I forget askmen.com exists. I sleep better, I smile more, I believe in a brighter future for our children.

But then they write an article on video games and it shoots to the top of the charts at n4g.com, my favorite aggregator of geeknews. You might be asking yourself, “why would an article from that shithole spark such interest from the gaming community?” And you probably don’t have to think too long before answering “boobs.”

Yep, AskMen.com tackled something completely refreshing — they rated the hotness of some women. In this case, they focused on what they’re calling the Top Ten Hottest Women in Tech. The article kicks off with one of the least coherent intros in paid-writing history:

While there used to be a social stigma attached to geekdom, nowadays it’s become fashionable to label oneself a nerd. While there are surely a cavalcade of factors behind this change, the rise of the internet has clearly played a substantial role in the nerd’s ascent.

The proliferation of scientifically minded women has proved instrumental in this shift, as the majority of contemporary tech pundits seem to belong to the fairer sex. Stranger still, many of these women possess the kind of looks one normally associates with supermodels and A-list actresses — which, admittedly, is a great way to capture the interest and attention of a garden-variety nerd. While there are certainly a number of drop-dead gorgeous ladies within the world of tech media to choose from, we’ve narrowed the list down to 10.

I confess I was delighted that the intro’s start was so eerily reminiscent of the “Since the dawn the dawn of time” openings we used to write in 4th grade. Was anyone else subjected to this diagram as a youth?

Clearly this guy was. But he didn’t seem to pick up much else, because the rest of those paragraphs came together like bleach and bowels.

First, the painfully obvious: the internet has played a role in the rise of geek-chic. GET. OUT.

Then, the absurd: that tech pundits are “scientifically-minded.” Kyso Kisaen is scientifically minded. Taking nothing away from the profession (I make a fantasy football show for pete’s sake), people who make TV shows about Grand Theft Auto have not necessarily proven their scientific credibility. After all, science is generally defined as:

1. a branch of knowledge or study dealing with a body of facts or truths systematically arranged and showing the operation of general laws: the mathematical sciences.
2. systematic knowledge of the physical or material world gained through observation and experimentation.

The askmen.com definition apparently means “reporting on the use of gadgetry.”

Then, the moronic: claiming that it’s “stranger still” that women who are attractive might also be intelligent… and feigning surprise that women selected to talk tech on television possess the afore-mentioned good looks. It’s almost like he doesn’t write for a website that tries to draw an audience by showing pictures of attractive women. You’d think he might have a clue why pretty girls are picked to be on TV. Oh wait, he does — he says it’s how you get “garden variety nerds” to pay attention. So why is it strange to him then? Argh.

The intro’s the highlight, but the 10 awkwardly phrased summations of why these women were picked give it a run for its money.

Speaking of #10 Wendy Cheng, a blogger who also writes for Maxim:

And Wendy’s brutal honesty on estrogen-centric topics, such as sex, dating and fashion, has made her an icon with the fairer sex.

Now, I could be missing something, but I believe this writer just described sex and dating as topics pertaining only to women (to say nothing of fashion). Even askmen.com editors *probably* should’ve caught that one.

On #9, G4 TV writer/personality Blair Butler:

Blair’s natural charisma and quick-thinking demeanor made her an ideal fit for on-camera work, and it wasn’t long before she started popping up in a number of X-Play’s recurring sketches.

Quick-thinking demeanor. How would that work, exactly?

#7 Amanda Congdon manages to dress herself well AND have a personality:

Amanda Congdon is one of the hottest women in tech because she possesses the sort of unattainable looks one associates with a supermodel, yet she’s certainly proven herself to be a far more complex figure than your regular clotheshorse.

Note: “tech” in this case means making a web show about driving across country in a hybrid.

The others are all just as inane, but in case you missed the entire point of his article, he drives it home in his final sentence on, um, “winner” Amber MacArthur:

At any rate, Amber can’t help but come off as that rare beauty who’s as smart as she is attractive.

Got that? You ladies need to stop trying to be all that and pick hot or smart, because the two almost never go together. And if they do, you deserve to be covered in askmen.com drool. Now, who’s up for a Ten Hottest Readers of PAB piece?

02.12.2007 If I have to suffer you have to suffer, Zinczenko'd 17 Comments

What is Yahoo! smoking?

Saturday, October 13th, 2007

I think I need to check Yahoo! more often. First, Fengi found this adorable pair of articles on how those elitist, overly educated single women need to lower their standards, play dumb, and give more blowjobs. Or something like that.

The most mind-boggling quote, to me, is this one, from “dating coach” and self-hating Jew Evan Marc Katz:

In real life, if you start talking to someone at a party who is intriguing, you’ll probably get a phone number and set up a date. You may not find out until later that he’s a different religion, or political party….For example, I’ve got a male dating-coaching client who is 24 and runs a multimillion-dollar corporation. He never got a college degree, so he wouldn’t appear in many women’s educational searches. Too bad for them. I’ve got a female client who is 64 and still goes hiking, fishing and skiing. She’s beautiful, youthful and vibrant, and completely off the radar for most men. It’s a shame, isn’t it?

While I think it’s fine to date outside of your social circles, I wonder why this sort of romantic advice so often encourages women to go out with anti-choice Republicans men with wildly different political views. I guess these relationships work sometimes, but I would have a hard time dating someone who thought that my body was his property. It’s just not sexy. If Republicans can’t get dates, which is I think what Katz’s advice suggests, maybe they should work on developing a less misogynist world view. Just a thought.

Anyway, that’s not the weirdest thing on Yahoo! lately. Hat-tip to Seaya for finding this charming little game, called Missionaries and Cannibals.

The kind missionaries can’t be left alone with too many evil cannibals, but they all have to cross a river in a small boat. Can you help them?

If you think that description is bad, wait until you see the graphics.

13.10.2007 Entertainment, For the ladies, HUH!?, Mutterings Of The Disturbed, Racism, Ze Goggles! Zey Do Nothing!, Zinczenko'd 7 Comments

“Can we do this again sometime?”
“Sorry, I only date men who aren’t afraid to make more specific demands — men like David Zinczenko!”

Thursday, May 10th, 2007

Remember David Zinczenko? He’s the star quarterback of Men’s Health and Yahoo’s resident expert on dudery. He’s also one of my favorite whipping boys, due mostly to:
1) his appalling lack of basic congitive functions, and
2) his sincere desire to pretend like all of us must be wired that way.

His latest embarrassment comes in the form of a dating advice column. More specifically, David would like to share with us 5 Things Never to Say on a First Date.


I dated Rose McGowan so you better give me my propers!!

His article starts to go off track here:

We all know that first dates are the ultimate relationship chess match.

Unfortunately, that also happens to be the first line of the piece.

It’s always nice to open your dating advice column by framing the daters as opponents trying to trick each other for a win. In case that doesn’t make you hate your next first date, he reminds us everyone’s probably lying about everything anyway, a “thought process” which leads him to this:

But if the goal is to determine whether the two of you may be a good match, then part of the process is not just detecting the lies, but also knowing the best things to say-and avoiding the worst. Do that and you’ll be well on your way to being the kind of person who will engage, interest, and intrigue your across-the-table mate.

Shorter Zinkie: Your date’s probably making up all that crap about liking their parents and doing volunteer work, but you should still try and win them over with amazing chit-chattery.

Is anyone even clear on why he’s writing this column anymore?

Whatever the reason, he launches into his 5 things to avoid on your antago-date thusly:

Say This: What do you do for fun?
Not That: What’s your job like?

I hope someone asks me that someday so I can say “For fun, I like to point out just how embarrasingly vapid David Zinczenko is!” Then again, I’d much rather it be my job. At any rate, David informs us that asking about job crap is boring. Plus, if we’re assuming our dating opponent’s lying anyway, presumably a more open-ended question should allow him or her to spin a less yawnworthy tall tale.

That might be getting a little deep, though. Let’s move into shallower waters:

Say This: You look fantastic
Not That: Good to see you

It may very well be good to see her, but that greeting is about as vanilla as a McDonald’s shake.

…

…

…

Whooo! [Wiping tears.] That guy is FUNNY.

He’s also really super non-sexist, because he wants you to know that being strictly appearance-oriented isn’t just for guys anymore:

The tactic isn’t just for men to use on women, but can be especially effective in the reverse.

Next up, David hopes you’ll refrain from asking important life questions. And anyway, why would you do that when you can talk about surfing and bikinis?

Say This: Got any cool summer trips lined up?
Not That: What do you want to do with your life?

Apparently David would also like us to avoid dating between the months of September and December, when that question would make you look pretty stupid. I’d stretch out on my own and guess that I could ask about Christmas trips over the fall, but I’d need clearance from the Zincmeister before proceeding.

Say This: How’s next Thursday?
Not That: Up to anything interesting this weekend? Want to meet up again soon?

Why be coy? Leave the game-playing for computer solitaire, and you’ll come off as confident (and more appealing) by being unafraid to take the initiative. Plus, you’ll strike the perfect balance-appearing like you have a busy schedule, but also eager to try a second date. This works especially well for women saying it to men, because men are so used to feeling like they have to make the first, second, and third moves before a relationship gets its bearings.

I’m glad someone finally stood up and pointed out what a burden it is to be a guy in the early stages of dating. With great power comes great responsibility, and just once I think David would really appreciate it if you ladies would acknowledge how hard it is to win the chess match and get in your pants sometimes.

Say This: Where you headed for vacation? What’s on your iPod? Read any good blogs lately?
Not That: Can you believe Sanjaya made it that far?

Current events, pop culture, and hair-boy’s shaky voice all make for great conversation-starters-and of course, they can show that you’re worldly, smart, and interested in other things besides your own life. But soon after talking about the world at large, you need to find a way to bring it back to the world of your dinner companion.

Got that? Zinczenko wants you to be sure to indulge the obvious self-absorbtion of your dating foe, but you also shouldn’t forget that talking about American Idol makes you seem worldly and smart.

10.05.2007 Zinczenko'd 8 Comments