when the status quo frustrates.

Sorry–I Refuse To Hate Men, And None Of You Can Make Me Do It No Matter How Hard You Try

Sunday, June 28th, 2009

“Men are dogs,” said my previous ex-husband to me, as we were driving out together to meet my current ex-husband at the bank to close our joint account.

“No, they’re not,” I said.

“Yes they are,” he said, very firmly, staring straight ahead at the road. “You need to stop thinking everyone’s like you, you know. You always do that. You did that with me, too.”

“You wouldn’t have done something like this.”

“No,” he agreed. “But I take marriage very seriously. Clearly he doesn’t.”

Obviously true and inarguable, so I let it go. But I didn’t forget that conversation, nor could I erase something my current ex-husband said to me since our parting of ways:

Him: I think your feminism may have been part of the problem.
Me: How so?
Him: When you said your divorce lawyer told you that you must have a problem with self-respect to have allowed yourself to be treated this way. That really bothered you.
Me: Don’t you want me to have self-respect?
Him: (pause) In some ways. Sometimes.

The above theme had cropped up earlier as well, in the month or two before we separated–of course, I wasn’t aware at the time what was triggering it, that his ex-wife had moved up here and they were conspiring together to get rid of me (maritally, not literally, of course!). In short, he mentioned on several occasions that what he really wanted was someone who would do whatever he wanted whenever he wanted without interference from such concepts as her own self-respect or personal desires–my efforts to please and placate were clearly underwhelming, and he just as clearly believed that such a woman was indeed out there just waiting for him. (Again, since I didn’t know about the eager availability of his ex-wife–who I should probably point out, didn’t actually consistently perform to that standard while they were married, which is why they separated repeatedly and finally divorced–I found his assurance on the subject bewildering. Not anymore, obviously.)

But the thing that troubles me is that both men do think that this sort of behavior is simply something that’s endemic to men, to the gender male of H. sapiens. Now, you’ll never find me arguing that there aren’t a large crop of asshats running around the planet at any given point in time–but I just can’t really bring myself to believe that all or even most men are secretly (or not so secretly) this particular brand of asshat. Some, sure. But so are some women–I’ve met them. And I would definitely agree that society and culture (pretty much all of ‘em, even worse in other cultures than in ours) set men up to be more likely to be this sort of entitled, domineering, sexually uncontrolled brand of asshat.

But I still can’t really believe that menarejustlikethat! I especially reject that they are like that as an inborn trait–I have no patience for that brand of evo-psych. But I also reject that they are all like that as an acquired trait, too. I reject that most of them are like that…men are people, not badly programmed sexbots. (Well, okay, except for Dennis Prager.)

But my first ex-husband and my current ex-husband aren’t the only men who’ve made these statements to me. Over the years, many many other men have made similar statements to me–about the inherent selfishness, sexual obsessiveness, immaturity, etc. that is the essence of malekind. I’ve always rejected them as blanket statements or even as reliable generalities.

So am I being stupid, to assume I know better what men are than all these other men who’ve argued with me about it? Many men have treated me with respect and consideration during the course of my life–am I to believe, as all these other men always insist, that it’s because I’m desirable and it is done solely to enhance the possibility that I might someday accidentally trip and fall on top of their waiting dicks? That it’s all an act to get me where they want me (emotionally and often, legally bound to them) so then they can reveal what they’ve really wanted all this time..? Gad, it’s all such a stereotype–must I buy into it?

Sorry–I still don’t. I still think it’s more likely that I just haven’t been careful…though I’ve gotten more and more careful with each spouse, and put up with the subsequently revealed repellent post-marriage-ceremony bullshit for shorter and shorter durations each time, clearly, I simply haven’t been careful enough in my choices.

On a kind of funny side note, I now have an saved email archive full of ex-husbands declaring (post-divorce!) what a wonderful, special woman I am, and how sweet and kind and beautiful and caring and intelligent and strong and–! I do have a good, positive relationship with the first ex, and I may well have one with this one, too, if he chooses that. It’s very peculiar; I’ve never really witnessed the like. Either I’m really something spectacular, or they want to keep the hope alive that I might put out again someday when they’re desperate and alone–I just can’t decide which. :)

Divorce

Thursday, June 25th, 2009

Anybody remember back in November, when I announced I was getting married?

I bet you can guess what this blog is about…oh no! you may cry. Or you may laugh, given that all my sarcastic predictions of “looking for my next ex-husband” have indeed come to pass–only seven months after our marriage.

I thought about not mentioning it here–I mean, who really wants to read about my personal life, especially when it’s a trainwreck..? But then, I thought, eventually everybody IS going to know and this will totally spare me having to repeat it multiple times to multiple people–whoever doesn’t read this, if in future they ask me Hey, aren’t you married..? I can just hand ‘em the url and move on with my life.

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Well, I called that one, didn’t I?

Wednesday, March 11th, 2009

From my prescient self, just a few weeks ago:

It’s also quite the mystery why [Bristol Palin] hasn’t married good old Levi yet. Her lack of enthusiasm for that eventuality pretty much oozes out of the screen, and the only time she ever brings him up is when the interviewer directly asks her about him.

And hot off the People magazine presses today:

Bristol Palin and her fiancé Levi Johnston have broken up, two sources tell PEOPLE.

The split happened “a few weeks ago,” according to a source close to the couple, but it’s unclear what precipitated it. “It was a mutual thing,” adds the source.

Bristol, the 18-year-old daughter of Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, spoke with FOX News in February and told Greta Van Susteren that she and Levi – who are parents to 2-month-old son, Tripp – expected to get married after they completed high school.

“It kind of just happened,” says the source, referring to the split. “I thought they would stick it out. But I think they can work together to raise Tripp.”

“I’m not sure what caused [them to break up] – it’s common knowledge,” says another source who knows the family.

So let me get this entirely straight…Bristol Palin is choosing to be an unwed teen mother when she could have been a wed teen mother instead.

This does remind me of that small news item from last year:

Palin Slashed Funding for Teen Moms

ST. PAUL — Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin, the Republican vice-presidential nominee who revealed Monday that her 17-year-old daughter is pregnant, earlier this year used her line-item veto to slash funding for a state program benefiting teen mothers in need of a place to live.

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After the legislature passed a spending bill in April, Palin went through the measure reducing and eliminating funds for programs she opposed. Inking her initials on the legislation — “SP” — Palin reduced funding for Covenant House Alaska by more than 20 percent, cutting funds from $5 million to $3.9 million. Covenant House is a mix of programs and shelters for troubled youths, including Passage House, which is a transitional home for teenage mothers.

According to Passage House’s web site, its purpose is to provide “young mothers a place to live with their babies for up to eighteen months while they gain the necessary skills and resources to change their lives” and help teen moms “become productive, successful, independent adults who create and provide a stable environment for themselves and their families.”

I mean, why reward those little sluts for their out-of-wedlock shenanigans with da gubment cheeze? If they’d just marry the father, then they’d already have a place to live! …er, right, Bristol..? and Sarah..?

Of course, Bristol Palin doesn’t need the services of Passage House. She’s being supported by the woman who did her best to gut their funding–wonder how well that sits with her..? Then again, I didn’t get the impression from Bristol’s Faux News interview that she’s in possession of a stellar or incisive intellect, so perhaps such thoughts have not troubled her brain. Or perhaps she’s just keeping as silent as possible on the subject to stretch out her parents’ support of her unwed teen motherhood as long as humanly possible–God knows I would, in her position.

When Pity Is Warring With Disgust

Thursday, December 25th, 2008

First of all, I would like to say that I don’t read Townhall. The only reason I even knew this article existed was because Jesse at Pandagon blogged about it. I may even leave a nastygram on his Facebook page in revenge, because this is about the most pathetic, icky article disguised as a holiday concern ooze that I have read all month.

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Marriage.

Friday, November 21st, 2008

By this time tomorrow, I will be a married woman. This is not a new state for me. I spent ages 19-27 and ages 31-33 married, and a little arithmetic wizardry yields the unpalatable realization that I have spent only six years out of the entire seventeen of my adult life as a single woman, and they weren’t even consecutive years. (It occurs to me also that I spent only one year of those seventeen not being a mother, as well–essentially, I’ve never been an adult who was not also a mother, not since I was eighteen years old. It must be interesting, to be an adult with no children. Since I’ve been relatively happy in the parental state, though, I have no real angst to work through on the subject.)

But I hated being married. Ever since the last marriage ended, I have entertained my friends with any number of reasonably funny jokes on the subject of marriage, both the possibility of me entering into another one in particular and the joys of the marital state in general. I did so with a fair amount of confidence that I was never, ever going to marry again. This was not based upon a hopelessly broken heart and a dramatic declaration to the world that I would nevah love again! nevah! I had no idea if I would love again or not; I was both amenable to the idea of doing so and also amenable to the idea that I might never do so–it was all the same to me. I admit to some stress about my future sex life, but that’s really about it.

So why the h-e-l-l am I getting married? Again?

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I Want Me Some “Marriage Strikers(tm)!”

Friday, June 6th, 2008

Disclaimer: I am so not commenting on Glenn Sacks’ response to Antigone’s blog post. I have decided that to do so would be thievery, dammit, thievery! so I am simply going to confine myself to the basic concept discussed by both.

So, what the heck are Marriage Strikers(tm)! exactly?

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Your role in her big day is to pretend being coupled is inherently superior to being single. Help her let the smug smother the panic.

Saturday, May 24th, 2008

How fortuitous! I’m sitting here, single and waiting for my roommate to return my car so I can go get my hair done for my sister’s wedding, when MSN posts this helpful screed on working a wedding while single. Since my sister and mother let it be known before the wedding that my bringing a date was probably the 147th most important thing of the day (more important than the bridesmaid’s manicures, less important than teaching me how to walk so I don’t lurch down the aisle like a zombie bridesmaid) obviously I’m very concerned about how it will look to the rest of the wedding guests if I turn up single.

This is because weddings are all about the guests. Specifically the crazy ones.

As awkward as it is to attend a wedding with someone you’ve only just started seeing — there’s nothing like accidentally catching a bouquet to accelerate the normal relationship timetable by, say, two or three years — going to a reception all by your lonesome self is even worse.

That is not a reasonable statement in any language or situation. What the hell is wrong with MSN lifestyle contributors?

This prospect is so daunting, in fact, that most singles fall back on one of three strategies: a) taking along a brother or sister (or a platonic friend of the opposite sex) and hoping no one asks any questions; b) sadly nursing a triple scotch in the lounge while all the happy couples are out on the floor slow-dancing; or c) invoking the “family emergency” rule and not showing up at all.

or d) take along a foreign friend who wants to see what American weddings are like. Continue with original plan of hanging out with cousins and friends you haven’t seen in forever, you know, like a sane person.

So how does a single person get through a wedding reception solo without invoking pity or amusement from guests fortunate enough to belong to Club Wed? By beginning the creepy weeks in advance, that’s how.

Perhaps because the occasion evokes so much dread, most single wedding-goers show up at the reception without doing any homework. That’s a mistake, says Keith Ferrazzi, author of Never Eat Alone: “You don’t have to wait for the wedding day to make contact with the other guests. In fact, it might lessen your nerves if you reach out a couple weeks in advance.

And once you get there, introduce yourself to all your new friends and remind them that you’re desperate and they’re only good to you if they know lots of eligible guys:

“A wedding provides a smorgasbord of people to meet. Even if The One isn’t there, every new person you meet has a network of 200 other people they know. Say hello to everyone, and subtly let them know you’re available.”

You could do some retail therapy, guys and girls alike. Nothing, apparently, lifts a guy out of the woe-is-single-me doldrums like a snappy new cummerbund.

Splurge a little and pamper yourself with a few spa treatments, or buy a new dress and a new pair of shoes. Guys can get new cummerbunds. The result will be an instant mood lift.

That’s right, they regendered the shopping therapy line. And it’s ridiculous, which means that retail therapy advice aimed at women is also ridiculous. I do in fact have a new dress and shoes for this event, and there is exactly 0.0% chance that it will end up on the floor of the guy I want to fuck-he won’t even be there, plus so far my crush in unrequited – and my frippery is wasted on the eyes of a bunch of married guys and my sister’s friends. This to me is more depressing than wearing an outfit I already know and love.

“I only go to weddings alone if I know there will be lots of kids there,” says Carol from New York. “Then I have my playmates, and the other adults appreciate the attention their children are getting.”

Um, Ok. Ever try talking to adults? Some of them have jobs and travel, just like you and me. They won’t all want to spend the whole reception berating you for being unlovable. Only your inner monologue cares about you that much.
And if all else fails, remember, those bastards only want you to find love so that you can end up fat, disillusioned, and unhappy, just like them.

Take it from me: When you’re absorbed in a single, dismal, self-pitying frame of mind, it’s easy to lose sight of the icy stares, forced laughter, and under-the-breath bickering that transpire for many ostensibly “happy” couples during a deluxe evening. My own dateless wedding strategy is to pal it up as much as I can with the folks at my table. Then, when I’m in danger of feeling blue, I replay all those overheard insidious comments as I lean back in my chair, nurse my triple scotch and watch the slow dance. It may not be very nice, but it sure does work!

When you think of it like that, who wouldn’t envy the happy couple? Oh, god, why won’t one of these selfish bastards introduce me to someone so I can join the fun?

Aight, I got to go put this satin dress in a bag and make sure all of my formal underwear is ready to go. Later, all.

I’m a bridesmaid, and have never been more OK with “never a bride.”

Saturday, March 1st, 2008

Motherfucking Ann Taylor and her stupid Celebrations stupid formal wear line. Stupid fucking grumble grrrrr!!!!!

Don’t call it a final sale if it’s just going to be on more sale-er next week, OK, just don’t. Also, your high heeled shoes are a)too high and b) far too expensive.

Turns out, marrying just anybody is no longer a workable long-term solution.

Sunday, June 18th, 2006

Damn you, Amanda, it’s midnight and I’m tired. But then you had to go and link to this

I don’t buy it that these folks who are dying their hair blue or buying fancy appliances are all that happy about their situation. I’m not saying single people are miserable, I was able to entertain myself quite well in my singleton years. But it’s malarkey to say they’re happier. A society with more and more single people living alone in their individual houses doesn’t sound like it’s going in the right direction. Not much of a future there. Who will take care of them in their old age? What will they pass on and to whom?

Advice: Singles should stop pretending they’re happy and OK with being single, admit that your life would be richer with a mate. Tell yourself that you want a wife or husband, and make that a priority.

First off, I like having my hair blue and if I still like it in two years, then my marriage will not persuade me to stop dying it. And while a good blender, or god willing, a real double boiler will not bring me eternal happiness, I do routinely derive satisfaction from using them. So fuck off.

Secondly, like Oh, mygod! I just finished a book dealing with just this topic! Susan Maushart, a twice-divorced social scientist, wrote a book in 2001 called Wifework: What Marriage Really Means to Women. And while she says a few things that Miss Modesty here would quote with glee, the major thrust of the book is that marriage is generally a raw deal for women, who are wise to be picky about who they marry and why, if they marry at all.

The first thing she did in the book was treat every marriage as three separate marriages: His Marriage, Her Marriage, and the Kid’s Marriage. Then she divided the tasks that women are expected to do, into housework, childcare and what she called “wifework.” Wifework was defined as the emotional work a woman does to maintain relationships. Work like stroking her husband’s ego, remembering birthdays of his relatives so he doesn’t have to, having sex when he wants to, serving the food he wants to, etc. She concludes that even men who think they agree to equality in their marriage feel entitled to a high level of emotional maitenence from their wives. The result is that marriage is good for kids (stability and all) and great for men, but awful for most women. Maushart feels that because marriage is generally better for kids the institution is worth saving, but it will not survive unless men examine this sense of entitlement and work to make marriage more equitable for women. It is, as Amanda would say, a harsh cost-benefit analysis of marriage.

(She doesn’t really touch the topic of homosexuality at all in this book. So when she says that being married is superior for kids than merely cohabitating in a committed relationship, I can only assume that she is talking only about couples who have the option of getting married. This book is hyper-focused on the straight nuclear family. She’s also not concerned with the health of childless marriages, seeing them as a private contract between two adults, the success or failure of which has less effect on society than a marriage in which children are being raised. Questionable? You decide.)

In the past, when gender roles were clear and women had few options outside of marriage, this sense of entitlement could go unexamined. Women needed men to provide for their children, hence the wifework was worth the effort.

But now, when most women have options other than marriage, the entitlement of their husbands – which the husbands don’t even acknowledge – is becoming an issue. Women who work outside the home and come home for a second shift of housework often begin to resent men who act like an extra child. She points to the fact that the vast majority of divorces are initiated by women, and that the men they leave are generally shocked-they weren’t even aware there was a problem because up until the point where the woman stopped making the relationship work, everything seemed fine.

The thing that struck me about this book is how perfectly it described my last relationship:

-Eating the food he liked, when he liked to eat it, check.
-Having the sex he liked, as often as he (not I) chose, check.
-Having to constantly self-censor to avoid hurting his feelings, check
-Being expected to be amazed and excited about every idea he ever shared with me, check
-Giving him the final say in most decisions because he made more/paid for/said so, check
-Watching what he wanted to watch even when it sucked, check.
-Not ever making him watch what I wanted to watch, especially when it sucked, check.
-Pretending it didn’t hurt when he made fun of my extra pounds, check
-Making excuses to myself when he didn’t have time/money to come to the gym with me like he promised but could make time for expensive weekend conventions with his friends, check.
-Pretending it didn’t bother me when he’d stick his feet in my lap and go “rub my feeeet!” even when he did it in front of other people or if I had a plate of food in my lap, check

Was he entirely a bad guy? Of course not. He was very nice (a perfect Nice Guy, if you will), creative, sympathetic, courteous, successful. He was perfectly unaware these things bothered me because I never mentioned it. And the reason I never mentioned it is because whenever I timidly tried to assert my desires, there was pouting or resentment and guilt. But stifiling these misgivings was alot of work. Unpaid, unappreciated work far more tiring than cleaning the bathroom or washing the dishes after work. And my resentment of him simmered, and then boiled, and then finally reached a flashpoint. The fact that he was unaware of the demands he was placing on me made them that much more infuriating. Eventually, the dread I began to feel when it came time to entertain and serve him for another weekend outwieghed the happiness I felt when things were going well between us. And when I broke up with him, he was shocked. He thought everything was perfect-and for him, it was. He said it was my fault things got so bad because I didn’t communicate, but was it my fault that he only heard what he wanted to hear?

If I had stayed with him long enough for him to propose (which he claimed he had been planning to do) would I have married him despite these misgivings? Probably. Hey, engagment rings are supposed to do that to a girl. And would it have ended in divorce? You betcha!

So I got another guy who was less work. One who, in the absolute worst case scenario, will at least wait until after the wedding to start treating me like a majordomo.

I guess I wasn’t alone, judging from the book, plenty of women married men who turned out to be not worth the effort. Putting it bluntly, marriage offered the men more than it did to women, and at the first opportunity, women started leaving in droves. Maushart argues that if men can’t think of a way to make marriage a better deal for women (and this will probably involve *gasp* giving up the entitlements, but they’ll also probably be happier in the end if they do so) then women with children will find another method to find support for raising them, and men will be left out in the cold with no one folding their underwear or fixing their beef stroganoff just the way they like it. Maushart would also prefer we all get on this stat, since she believes that marriage as workable institution can be saved and that doing so would be worthwhile for children.

this site is a parody. if you actually think this a good idea, there is something wrong with your priorities

Saturday, June 10th, 2006

Commentor Alice pointed out IndieBride.com to me, leading me to request numerous books from my local library and to this even cooler site, Going Bridal.

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Anyway, the main draw of this site is the Bridal Audit, which features the disclaimer that makes up the title of this post. It asks a few questions about yourself and your guests to determine what they owe you in gifts. With minor tweaking, this test could have almost limitless applications. I haven’t seen a test I liked so much since I found the Cost of Sex calculator.

There is no sacrifice too great to assure that your wedding does not deviate from our perfect template.

Friday, June 9th, 2006

So I’m thinking about possibly starting to consider maybe looking into planning a wedding, with the optimistic date of Springish, 2008 in mind. The instant I made that quasi-commitment, I began to release some sort of pheromone that was instantly picked up by the wedding industry. Or maybe it’s just because it’s spring and my mom convinced me to sign up for that “free” (by mail, for, uh, no reason) bridal planner that was offered by her newspaper. Either way, I feel surrounded by wedding paraphenalia like it’s all speaking directly to me.

The waves upon waves of ultruistic helpfulness wouldn’t be so bad if the wedding-industrial complex spewed forth something other than crap once in awhile. And today, while fucking around at work, I happened upon MSN’s Super Happy Page of Lame Advice and Audacious Assumptions. They just called it “Weddings with The Knot” which is not at all as cool.

It starts with 41 wedding budget tips, starting with the assumption that you are a moron.
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