when the status quo frustrates.

I’m so hip even my lunch is ironic

Monday, July 10th, 2006

For lunch today I took a TV dinner and a bottle of FUZE brand overpriced fruit drink, and it wasn’t until I was leaning against the counter waiting for the microwave to finish phase I of my lunch that it occured to me that I had paid a small premium for this dinner because it was “organic.” It wasn’t much of a premium-with my Giant Eagle card I think I paid maybe 30 or 50 cents more than I would have for a Stouffer’s or some Hot Pockets. But it was enough to make me aware that it was more – of course it cost more, it was “organic,” which is synonymous with “better,” right? I’m a better person because I buy organic food, where I can just assume that the chickens were treated somewhat properly, the cows were fed something not compeltely insane like, oh, chicken, and the produce saw nary an harsh chemical between the ground and my plastic microwave safe disposable plate. I paid 50 cents more for my TV dinner because that’s how much I care about our planet. You can send me a thank you card if you feel that you should.

But as my chic Ethnic Gourmet chicken chipotle whateverthefuck spun in the microwave, doubt gnawed at my soul. TV dinners are our most revered processed food, coming of age at a time when natural was not an issue and everything space-aged or techno-ed up was considered superior. They were never meant to be considered natural or organic, and it seems silly to think that pre-cooked food can hold its own against the rather harsh freezing/reheating process without some help. So why, when I was at the store last night, did “organic TV dinner” not sound like “organic cheez whiz” or “organic processed cheese food”?

I remembered that I had encountered this idea before and of course buying an organic tv dinner just meant that I purchased a false sense of moral superiority. I had essentially spent 50 cents on a license to be smug towards my fiance, who is less picky about his food and and is perfectly happy with some Van DeKamps “fish” or McDonalds. My diet is so much better than yours, I get to say. Really, it’s just, my diet is slightly more expensive than yours.

So I can’t assume a moral edge by buying from Giant Eagle’s organic section. Color me shocked. I can’t even assume there’s a lack of antibiotics or pesticides in the food anymore. And judging from the puddles of orange grease in my chicken corn spice glop this afternoon, I can no longer conflate organic with healthy if I’m going to be purchasing from the freezer section.

I get paid on Friday. I think it’s time to buy a membership to the food co-op and actually pay attention and think about what I eat. It’s the only way to renew my smug license.

I’ll Take Your YipYipYip and Raise You One Donut

Thursday, June 29th, 2006

I win.

Pretentious effervescence, white trash essence

Saturday, June 10th, 2006

What do you think of when you think, sophisticated beverage?

If you answered, Coke’s new coffee-flavored soda, you’re a twat and Coke has some coupons to send you. I mean, coffee soda? COFFEE SODA?

Actually, I’m just assuming it’s a coffee-flavored soda. It could just be a bitter, caffine-jacked version of Coke. The over-sexed website is not helpful, unless you’re thinking that no one has breathlessly panted the merits of CocaCola products to you today and you need to remedy that.

Even though the website tells you virtually nil about the soda, it does allow you to make crappy mod art dedicated to it, and spam your friends about it. And “register for updates,” which, I don’t even want to know what kind of person is so excited about this product that they want Coke to email them about it at random.

Wait, I found a press release. Sounds tasty!

“Coca-Cola Blāk is not just a flavor extension. It is a blend of unique Coke refreshment with the true essence of coffee and has a rich smooth texture and has a coffee-like froth when poured. We believe we have created a new category of soft drink – an adult product in a carbonated beverage – and a whole new drinking experience.

I guess it doesn’t entirely suck.

In a way, it’s actually almost sort of halfway to good. Picture cream soda with a splash of cold coffee, but with the psychosomatical edge of drinking it out of a fucking Praise Jesus awesome glass Coca-Cola bottle. (Hopefully the glass bottle thing is for keeps and wasn’t just a special deal for today’s promotion.) The flavor is in no way overpowering or offensive, relying more on the merits of having a label that says “COFFEE” than, you know, actually tasting like coffee.

But they way they’re marketing it is, um, lame. “Coffee essence?” Is that like purity of essence? And why the forced sexiness?

Just in time to compete with McDonalds’ “Pureed BigMacs served via firehose” campaign

Sunday, May 28th, 2006

You know what the worst part about eating at KFC is? It’s too elegant. All that deep-fried chicken and potato flake goodness, served in separate sections on a paper or syrofoam tray. You need a fork for practically every damn menu item. I’m a busy woman, I don’t have time for that shit. If I wanted a four-course meal with crystal and candlelight, I’d go to Boston Market.

Well, KFC has heard my cries. Sure, you still need a utencil to eat mashed potatoes, but they’ve thoughtfully combined everything else into a slop they call “Famous Bowls.”

Feel good about lunch! Introducing KFC’s Famous Bowls!

Freshly prepared with layers of your KFC favorites – a generous serving of our creamy mashed potatoes, sweet kernel corn, bite size pieces of all-white meat crispy chicken, topped with our homestyle gravy and 3-cheese blend.

Before I could say, Mmmmmmmmm-mm! My roommate, a hardcore KFC fan, pointed out one possibly relevent fact-since when the fuck does KFC have a 3-cheese blend? There is no other menu item that features a three-cheese blend, which means they went out and aquired a whole new source of saturated fat and cholestorol just to sprinkle on top of a whole bowl or carbs and deep-fried things. Cheese on gravy? Jesus! And don’t even point poutine out to me like that makes the idea at all acceptable.

Am I the only person here who would have to be real drunk to order this without feeling embarassed? Or that “…and then s/he ordered the Famous Bowl,” should be a prefectly acceptable reason for refusing to accept another date with a person, however awesome they otherwise were?

UPDATED:
(more…)

Better eating through mathematics

Tuesday, May 23rd, 2006

I was standing in the express line at my local Acme the other day when I noticed that Women’s World promised to help me lose an ungodly amount of weight on the “Da Vinci Code Diet.” I was only able to glance at the article before it was my turn to pay for my three lunch-sized organic fruit juices, just enough time to see “phi” and “Golden ratio” and think, there can not possibly be a Da Vinci Code Diet.

And of course there isn’t, because that would be blatent copyright infringment. It’s just the Da Vinci Diet, and a Portland baker is about to take you people to the cleaners for what you did to his business when Atkins convinced you to be complete douchebags about carbs:

A baker who lost half his business to the low-carb craze has written a book based on the mathematical principles of the Golden Ratio, a formula used by Leonardo Da Vinci and made popular in the best seller, “The Da Vinci Code.”

Stephen Lanzalotta created what he called the “Da Vinci Diet” in response to the decline in bread consumption brought on by the popularity of the Atkins Diet. The diet consists mostly of Mediterranean foods, including bread, fish, cheese, vegetables, meat, nuts and wine.

Phi is one of those numbers, like e and pi that pops up again and again and is quite useful. The advantage that phi has over e and pi (besides, of course, it’s association with the currently bitchin’ Lenoardo Da Vinci) is that most people don’t ever see it. Unlike circles and exponents, really the only thing to do with phi in algebra or calc 1 is to show you a picture of a seashell with some boxes superimposed on it and go, look, phi. Cool, huh?

This means that phi never had a chance to piss you off. The Golden Ratio Diet will succeed where the Circumference Diet and the Exponential Decay Diet failed because while Math Is Hard (TM), Seashells Are Pretty.

His biggest sellers are now combination plates — typically bread or polenta, cheese, olives and braised chard or Italian coleslaw — featuring the basic mix of his diet: 20 percent protein, 52 percent carbohydrates and 28 percent fat.

Lanzalotta said his dietary regimen has helped him maintain a fit 160 pounds without giving up on the foods he loves.

Go play with this for awhile. Down at the bottom of the page there is a table which gives you appropriate ranges for the amounts of fat, protien and carbs you should likely be consuming. Let me know if the reccomendations from the government fall too far outside this magic ratio.

Now pause and reflect on a culture that doesn’t particularly like art or math or moderation but somehow is willing to fork over money (or so WB hopes, to the tune of a “six figure advance”) to be tricked by a fancy math term used by an artist into following the dietary reccomendations offered freely on the internet by both the FDA and people like the Nutrition Data people.

“What? Eat a balanced diet? That’s too hard. I’m gonna try this here Da Vinci Diet that I got at Border’s for 11.99. It says here that I have to adjust the amounts of different foods I eat to fit this ratio so they’re like, in balance and stuff. Maybe they’ll explain what that means when I get the DVD.”

Oh, it makes my head hurt.

His now famous Vitruvian Man drawing (represented on THE DIET CODE cover) of spread-eagled arms and legs bound by a circle revived a symbol tracing back 6000 years to Mesopotamia: the pentacle.
The ancient Greek mathematical school of Pythagoras (often credited with the earliest documented use of the Golden Ratio) saw such perfection in the pentacle they called it Hygeia, or health. It’s five elements even comprise the component recipe for bread! In medieval lore the pentacle stood for the five chivalric virtues of the Grail knights.

What does this have to do with weight loss? Everything!

In exploring the reaches of the Golden Ratio, Leonardo essentially applied ancient wisdom, revivifying ideas form even before the ancient Greeks and Egyptians….Now this universal math forms the foundation of The Diet Code, the diet most closely aligned with the human body, a diet designed the same way your body is – a diet as efficient and effective, as it is beautiful.

Remember kids: Ancient wisdom is better than modern guidelines, even when they’re exactly the same. It’s the same voodoo that makes anything Eastern (like tai chi or Buddism or anime) automatically better than anything Western – even the bastardized Westernified modernized Eastern or ancient wisdom is better than this.

Nutrition information in fun picture form

Sunday, May 21st, 2006

This is why I love the internets. Two health and fitness nuts who happen to know how to make databases and websites made this freakishly spectacular tool to help people appropriately analyize their food. I’ve been playing with it for about an hour so far and I haven’t even scratched the surface of its usefullness.

The site takes alot of the pain in the ass out of comparing similar foods. Now, I don’t have to spend four hours in the grocery store today with a pen and a piece of paper comparing my cheese and bread options. I can do the basic comparing at home and save the showing-up-in-person-with-a-notebook work for later, when I have a basic diet picked out.

You can pick a bunch of foods to compare which presents different qualities of the food in graph form and follows that with a quick summary about the pros and cons of the food. You can put in your age, sex, height, weight and level of activity to get an estimate of your daily caloric needs. You can click on a vitamin or mineral and get a page of the top foods that contain that substance. There’s even a page summarizing the purposes of different chemical food additives.

Make no mistake, paying this much attention to the food you eat is still a serious time-killer. However, this site makes the process quite a bit easier and more reasonable. I can spend a nice Sunday afternoon finding the nutritional densities of my most commonly eaten meals, adjust today’s grocery shopping accordingly, and barring computer catastrophe return to tweak the information next Sunday.

I Don’t Care Who You Are, This is Fucking Blasphemy

Monday, April 24th, 2006

And I don’t even believe in Jesus.

Sometimes We Feel Charitable

Wednesday, April 19th, 2006

Last minute gifts for foodies and LARPers may be found here:

Last year on October 8 an earthquake, measuring 7.6 on the Richter scale, hit Kashmir, the northern part of Pakistan. Being a native Californian, I know that’s no small cheese. Unfortunately, by October 8, 2005, I was tapped out from Katrina giving and could not give to my favorite charity, Doctors Without Borders, also known as Les Médecins Sans Frontières (MSF). There was no doubt in my mind that MSF would be on the spot, doctoring in Kashmir, then and even now, and around the world wherever they are needed, as usual.

And so, partly out of guilt, but mostly out of admiration, the plan for this cookbook fundraiser was born. Now, I don’t cook very much and my basic culinary philosophy is “Shake it out of the box and eat it.” However, I very much admire people who make an art of cooking and even make it look fun. I also read a lot of blogs, all kinds of blogs from all over the world: political, art, culture, whatever, and I noticed many of these bloggers posting recipes. Sometimes I’d print them out and put them in my very neatly organized, but seldom consulted three-ring Recipes binder. Every now and then I’d think how nice it would be to have all those online recipes in a book format.

Gitcherself a cookbook assembled by bloggers. Bonus points: 100% of the proceeds go to Doctors Without Borders.