when the status quo frustrates.

The Ugly American

Tuesday, August 8th, 2006

Embattled Tour de France winner Floyd Landis vowed on Monday to clear his name. “I have a new goal, to prove myself innocent,” Landis told ABC’s Good Morning America.

This might be difficult:

“If they want to prove him innocent from a scientific point of view, they will have to re-invent physiology,” Gerard Dine, a researcher and an expert with the national organization for scientific research, told Reuters on Monday.

That’s because the massive levels of testosterone found in Landis’ blood weren’t just 3 times over the limit, the hormone was synthetic to boot. Of course, this is coming from Reuters, who probably photoshopped Landis’ tests to enhance his testosterone.

Assuming Reuters isn’t doctoring the evidence, though, one would think Landis has absolutely no choice but to declare defeat. Sadly, he seems to be hinting at a conspiracy instead:

“There’s some kind of agenda there. I just don’t know what it is,” he said.

Before you scoff, remember we are talking about the French, who often work with Reuters to undermine American interests. But again, it seems hard to believe they would frame Landis for Lance Armstrong’s crimes.

I remember hearing about Landis’ near-collapse on the 16th stage, followed by his superhuman 17th stage, and because we’re talking about cycling, my first thought was, “I wonder if he juiced?” Nevertheless, that he was caught doing so on the test following that stage caught me by surprise. Even if he had doped, why do it in such an easily detectable way?

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Zidane is better than Oasis, which is better than Queen which is better than the Beatles

Thursday, July 13th, 2006

This is nice:

This is better: (more…)

The public really believes the NBA is fixed

Tuesday, June 20th, 2006

I have long felt Bill Simmons jumped the shark — except when he’s talking about the NBA. It’s the only sport of the big 3 where his Boston team isn’t a contender, and thus the last one in which he’s kept a valuable, insightful, league-wide perspective that isn’t skewed to his guys.

Anyway, today he noted that the following was “a very fair sampling of the e-mails that drifted into my mailbox on Sunday night and Monday morning.”

The emails are below the fold, and I feel so much better as a Mavs fan for having read them. When the general public, most of whom could give a flip about either team, comes down firmly on your side, you feel much less crazy for having outrage.

If the Heat somehow win this series, all of this hubbub will eventually be forgotten, and the Mavs will simply be reported as having blown a big lead. But I hope some people will remember it exactly as Simmons describes:

In my Finals preview, I wrote that “No team depends on the refs quite like the Heat. When the refs are calling all the bumps on Shaq and protecting Wade on every drive, they’re unstoppable. When they’re calling everything fairly, they’re eminently beatable. If they’re not getting any calls, they’re just about hopeless. I could see the refs swinging two games in Miami’s favor during this series, possibly three. In fact, I’m already depressed about it and the series hasn’t even started yet.” Well, we had our two games — Game 3 (the last five minutes were just obscene) and Game 5 (again, a top-five debacle). And the series isn’t over yet.

Funny, that’s my count, too. 2 games decided by the refs in favor of Miami, meaning the Mavs should have won in 5, if not 4, given that the Heat might’ve rolled over after and 0-3 start to the series had game 3 been called close to evenly.

Anyway, check out the public’s reactions and tell me David Stern doesn’t have a problem on his hands.

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Home sweet home (even if it is Dallas)

Tuesday, June 20th, 2006

At long last, the Dallas Mavericks return to the comfy confines of American Airlines Center tonight, far from the gag-inducing claustrophobia of American Airlines Arena in Miami. The Mavericks are still on life support because of the casual thumping they put on the Heat in Big D in the first two games.

No team has ever blown that 2-0 lead with the title on the line, largely because only one NBA Finalist ever lost all three middle-of-the-series games on the road: the 2004 Lakers. That LA squad split at home with the Pistons, who finished them off in 5. So this is the first time an NBA team raced out to a 2-0 lead only to come home down 3-2 and facing elimination.

Despite its complete and total lack of personality as a city, Dallas features one of the rowdiest home crowds in the league, and I believe that just a few minutes of reacquaintance with that environment will spark the Mavericks and hopefully prevent the refs from calling quite as many touch fouls on the Mavs while letting the Heat get away with misdemeanor assault. At the very least, I expect there to actually _have been_ a foul if Dwyane Wade steps to the line to win the game at the stripe tonight. (Marc Stein sums up the Mavs’ perspective correctly: “(a) that Wade committed a backcourt violation before his final winding drive to the hoop, (b) that Wade “pushed off, like, three guys,” by Nowitzki’s count, on his way to the rim, and (c) that Nowitzki never fouled him.”)

If the refs hadn’t coddled Wade on a phantom call, something almost no player gets on a last shot attempt, we’d be talking about that sick, clutch jumper Dirk hit at the end of OT to turn his team’s fortunes. Hopefully, the Mavericks will use that snub as fuel, though they must be careful not to play with the out-of-control frustration Nowitzki demonstrated last year against Phoenix in their final overtime of the season.

We’ll know in the first five minutes of the first quarter if the Mavericks have awoken if:
-Nowitzki charges to the cup for his first few buckets instead of setting for long fadeaways
-Howard collects an offensive rebound or two
-They draw an offensive foul on Shaq

The Heat have to know deep down that this is their best shot to win it all. If the Mavs force game 7, everything will have tilted their way. Will that pressure, combined with the evaporation of their home support (the Heat are 12-1 in the playoffs at home, 4-6 on the road), be enough to cause a tremor in the obvious confidence of Miami?

I sure as hell hope so.

The Jesus Christ All-Stars

Wednesday, June 7th, 2006

The Colorado Rockies are a couple games over .500. Sadly, this is an improvement over recent seasons, the last five of which have seen them finish below (often well below) that mark.

Prompted by this, um, success, the organization has decided to reveal its secret formula: The Rockies like their boys battered and deep fried in Jesus’ love.

The team recently spoke to USA Today about its philosophy, and CEO/owner Robert Monfort had this to say:

“We started to go after character six or seven years ago, but we didn’t follow that like we should have,” he says. “I don’t want to offend anyone, but I think character-wise we’re stronger than anyone in baseball. Christians, and what they’ve endured, are some of the strongest people in baseball. I believe God sends signs, and we’re seeing those.”

I’m sorry, I must have slept through the chunk of time recently in which Christians had to suffer hardships or persecution in this country. What exactly did they have to endure, other than godawful Sunday masses and being told to hate their genitals all the time? Whatever it is, apparently it helps you put some wood on the ball.

Also, I have to admit I’ve never heard an owner hint that he thinks God actually favors his team because of its stronger faith. Perhaps we’ll see a Christian arms race in baseball now, with each team trying to add more and more recipients of Jesus’ love in an attempt to score that wild card berth. Trade deadline stats could include batting average, RBI, HRs, and daily number of prayers so fans could know whether or not the Lord our Savior would veto the deal.

This isn’t lip service, either. The Rockies’ top brass are seriously vibing Christ:

The Rockies’ approach is unusual in that religious doctrine is a guide for running a franchise. The club’s executives emphasize they are not intolerant of other views.

“We try to do the best job we can to get people with the right sense of moral values, but we certainly don’t poll our players or our organization to find out who is Christian and who isn’t,” says O’Dowd, who says he has had prayer sessions on the telephone with club President Keli McGregor and manager Clint Hurdle.

I’d like to note that Monfort and Hurdle each became Christian 3 years ago, and the article points out that for Monfort it came after a lifetime of partying that eventually resulted in 18 months of probation for some creative driving decisions while being influenced by the Lord a substance of some sort. Now that he’s gotten all of that out of his system, he’s decided it’s time to hold his players to the standards he failed to meet at their age.

You have to wonder about those prayerful teleconferences, too. “Dear Lord, please forgive Clint Barmes for hitting into another double play. I checked his locker for Playboys or anything else that might be causing him to fall from your grace, but the only thing I found was a tube of Astroglide. Jesus, if Clint is fornicating with the help of this unholy lube, or using it to pump one out between innings, please help him see the light of your ways. Also, if you could go ahead and find us a catcher that could hit, I don’t know, two bills, that’d be great. Amen.”

Even if you applaud their efforts, though, they don’t make a lot of baseball sense. Babe Ruth wasn’t much of a Christian. Neither was Ty Cobb or Pete Rose or Ted Williams. Most athletes pay only lip service to the fundie talk anyway — it doesn’t make them good people. Half the guys who kiss the cross after every pitch still bounce over to the Gold Club after the game to try and find a couple strippers willing to get it on while he watches for less than a grand.

But hey, what can you say, the Rockies are are top. Well, not so much on top as not covered in the urine of all the other teams used to humilating them. Thus far.

Praise Jesus.

Buy the wrong cap and the terrorists win

Thursday, June 1st, 2006

ALERT! ALERT! If you accidentally buy unofficial NBA gear, you’re lining the pockets of Osama bin Laden:

“We’ve found these people who produce counterfeit merchandise for the World Series are the same people who produce it for the NBA playoffs,” said Ayala Deutsch, chief intellectual property counsel for the National Basketball Association. “This is their life.”

While exact figures are not available, Ms. Deutsch said losses to the NBA from the sale of counterfeit merchandise “annually, would be in seven figures.” The figure is only a small corner of what the U.S. Chamber of Commerce has estimated is a $12 billion a year market in fake apparel and sports goods.

It is a corner the NBA is very much interested in. But Ms. Deutsch argues that potential buyers of bogus merchandise should be concerned as well.

“The revenue stream has been traced to other activities worldwide, including terrorism,” she said.

What a devious plan. Sports-obsessed Americans will be the cause of their own demise.

[Actually, that may be true, but it won't be because they bought a Suns cap from some dude on the street.]

Basketball as ballet

Thursday, June 1st, 2006

Look at them dance. And look at them make silly faces while they do it:

dance!

You should really see the pic full-size to appreciate the goofiness, especially Stevie Nash down there on the right.

Mavericks YouTube Fun

Wednesday, May 24th, 2006

Below the fold, be sure to check out:
1) Avery Johnson demonstrating that the Mavs are equal opportunity groin punchers.
2) Steve and Dirk serenading someone painfully.
3) The corniest promo of all time.

If these don’t get you pumped up for the conference finals tonight, nothing will. Go Mavs.

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A study of basketball fever

Wednesday, May 17th, 2006

We’re here on my living room couch with a running diary on the Spurs-Mavs game 5. If you ever wanted a window into the the gametime mania of a sports fan, here’s your look at one.

Going into the contest, I’ve been engaging in soothing pessism – the comforting feeling of assuming the worst. The Mavs are up 3-1 in the series and need only one more win in the next 3 games to defeat the defending champs and advance. It seems unlikely that Dallas can beat San Antonio 4 straight times, clinch the series in the Spurs’ arena, and see the Spurs fail in cruch time when their entire season depends on winning tonight. As such, I’ve been telling myself we’re going to lose this one. That way, if we win, it’ll be a huge surprise. If we don’t, well, I was expecting it anyway, and hopefully that’ll help me catch some z’s afterwards.

Mavs lose the tip. Hooray! We’ve lost the tip in every game we’ve won, so I like our odds a little more already. Wait — too much optimism. Must maintain my calming skepticism.

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Who was that masked Mav?

Wednesday, May 10th, 2006

Everything you needed to know about the new Dallas Mavericks came in one play tonight. Michael Finley, now a Spur, took the ball to the hoop for a layup, only to be met by an airborne Jerry Stackhouse cleanly swatting the ball out of bounds. After the play, Stackhouse stood menacingly over Finley’s crumpled form and delivered a long, arrogant staredown. So intimidating was Stackhouse’s glower that refs proclaimed it taunting and rang up a technical foul for the behavior. No matter; the Mavericks had already dispatched the Spurs on this particular evening.

These days, the Dallas Mavericks make game-changing plays on defense. They are tough enough mentally to bounce back from a late-game gaffe the may have cost them game 1 against the Spurs (by Stackhouse, no less) to thoroughly impose their will on San Antonio in the Spurs’ own arena. They appear to be more athletic than the Spurs and equally fierce, with a bit of a swagger. When was the last time a team so thoroughly dominated the Spurs in San Antonio with this much at stake?

The play I described also says a lot about the Spurs. They still possess a dominant Tim Duncan, a heady Bruce Bowen, an active Manu Ginobili, a clutch Boby Horry, and a banged-up but effective Tony Parker. But this is also a team of Nick Van Exel, whose petulance got him tossed tonight, and Michael Finley. Please add Brent Barry, Beno Udrih, and Rasho Nesterovic to the list. The Spurs’ supporting cast is a collection of slow, aging, offense-only players who couldn’t cover a senior citizen glued to the floor. They also lack mental toughness, as evidenced by Finley’s punking. Believe me, Mavs fans are familiar with the shrinking violet that is Michael Finley, so I know from Adam on this one.

Bowen is hounding Nowitzki mercilessly, but Josh Howard, Devin Harris, and even Stackhouse left the San Antonio perimeter players with windburn. The Mavs blew past them to the cup with impunity tonight, and for all the post-game talk of the Spurs “making adjustments” for game 3 on Saturday, I’m afraid there may be no answer to this particular problem.

The Mavs are now the team with more two-way players. They possess the speed advantage to boot. The Spurs can attach Bowen to one guy, but after that, all other defenders are immediately exposed. Ducan is a fine defender in the post, but he can’t cover Dirk if they move Bowen to the explosive, aggressive Howard. Don’t believe me? Check the tape of the last regular season meeting between these two teams. Howard molested Duncan for 15 in the first quarter, and in the second half, Popovich moved Bowen to Howard and switched Duncan to Dirk. Nowitzki summarily annihilated the Spurs down the stretch.

For the first time in their recent history of mild playoff success, the Mavs seem to have all the answers. They can go big or small, most of their players can cover as well as they score, and most of the mismatches seem to be in Dallas’ favor. Will Dallas win this series? TBD. But the Mavs have a new attitude (don’t you miss the Pointer Sisters?) and the Spurs can burn the midnight oil all they want but it won’t make their players faster or younger or more capable defensively.

I was fortunate enough to be in the AT&T Center tonight in Mavericks gear. Many a Spurs fan had a go at me until tipoff, from which Dallas immediately established themselves as the aggressors. If the Mavs remain as intent on getting to and protecting the rim as they did on every single possession tonight, I may be lucky enough to dump my remaining monthly fun money into an appearance at game 5, which could be a clincher — just not in the way Spurs fans are accustomed.

Dumbest Texans around

Saturday, April 29th, 2006

Partly because the dumber ones moved to the DC area, and partly because they are just that stupid, I’d like to take a moment to celebrate Houston Texans owner Bob McNair and his lap dog, team GM Charley Casserley, as the official State Morons of Texas. Put their pictures up next to the state flag and state bird, because the mistakes these two men have made in the last 6 months have been iconic.

Bob McMair’s first big screw-up was keeping Casserly around to run his team. The Texans have drafted over 30 players and only 2 (CB Dunta Robinson and WR Andre Johnson) are legitimate above-average starters. Every second-round pick has been a bust, only Domanick Davis has emerged from the middle rounds as a diamond in the rough, and no free agents signings have made an impact. Good idea to stick with the plan, Bob.

Once Dumb and Dumber sat down together to determine how to recover from their 2-14 disaster season, they first made sure to pick up the option on questionable QB David Carr’s contract for franchise QB dollars over the next 3 years. Is he worth it? Tough to say — the offensive line Casserly has refused to fix is so bad he can’t stay on his feet. Carr seems to take a long time to read defenses, makes bad decisions at crucial moments in a game, and has never demonstrated the capacity to be more than a good game manager. Hardly a guy to lock down when you had the option to turn him loose.

Why turn him loose? Because the most popular football player in Texas, possibly in the state’s collegiate history, was available to take with the first pick in the draft: Rose Bowl superhero Vince Young. Will his game translate to the NFL? Maybe. Probably. The likelihood was good enough that McNair should have thought seriously about it. The only hope Mcnair’s team would ever have of passing the Cowboys in state importance lay in the possibility of Vince Young finding stardom in a Texans uni. Houston-born and raised, the kid is already a folk hero there, and building around him would have bought the team eternal loyalty from hundreds of thousands of locals.

But maybe Carr can be good, or good enough. Fine. Then you draft the most exciting offensive player to come out of college in the modern era, RB Reggie Bush. Some scouts graded him as the best player they’d ever evaluated. He averaged 8.9 yard per carry over an entire season, a record-setting feat nobody else may sniff for decades. He would help Carr look a lot better than he is right away. And he’s the only talent that could justify looking the other way when it came to Vince Young.

But they chose option C. The Texans drafted defensive end Mario Williams. They did it because Bush was balking at their contract offer and the Texans wanted the #1 pick signed, and also because the team brass — that would be McNair and Casserly — felt the defense needed more oomph. Never mind that Williams, a “measurables” monster, has had his desire and motivation questioned, or that he got 10 of his 14.5 sacks in 3 games against inferior opponents last year. Nope. Somehow, he’s the guy. Even then, of course, trading down would have been the preferable option. You could pay him less and pick up more draft picks. Taking him #1 overall is beyond short-sighted; it’s downright insulting.

If the State Morons wanted to appease the fans, they would’ve drafted Young. If they felt like Williams was the best fit for their franchise, they should have traded down to get him. If they wanted to save the franchise and please the fans at the same time, they would’ve taken Bush.

Improbably, they did none of the above and that’s going to cost them for years, especially if Young and Bush both pan out. Young will be taking snaps for Tennessee — you might remember them from such franchises as the Houston Oilers. Should Young make the Pro Bowl in the traitorous Titans jersey, Bob McNair might as well fold up his retractable roof stadium and head for the hills; the locals will never let him live it down.

Most of the time, I advocate ignoring fan interest when it comes to drafting or signing players. Pro football isn’t a popularity contest, and even if it is, winning is the easiest way to be crowned Prom King. But the Texans were coming off of a humiliating season full of empty seats and turned-off TVs. With the #1 pick in the draft, the Texans needed to claim an identity.

Unfortunately, they did.

Why I hate racist NBA marketing bastards

Monday, April 24th, 2006

First, check out this promo the Big 10 Conference ran during its televised basketball games this year:

Frankly, I’m stunned the suits from a stodgy conference like the rust-belt Big 10 would push an image that’s unabashedly cool on so many layers. First off, there’s no hip hop star with more credibility than Talib Kweli. Nice choice. The ad doesn’t mention his name, though, and you have to know at least a little something about hip hop to recognize him on your own. Says to me the marketers are actually assuming their audience does know something about rap music, which is way more revolutionary than it should be these days. Finally, they keep it simple — Kweli’s stylings, nice clips, a little scratch — and do nothing to soft-pedal the hip hop edge. In other words, the Big 10 is utterly unapologetic about connecting hip hop and basketball and feels it’s the best way to reach out to fans.

Too bad NBA marketing execs hate us too much to do the same.
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