when the status quo frustrates.

Once more, I’m only shocked that everyone else is pretending to be. They ARE just pretending, right..?

Wednesday, November 18th, 2009

Many years ago, not too long after my military enlistment ended and back when I got most of the news from actual newspapers made of paper, I was confronted with the following headline:

SEX SCANDAL AT ABERDEEN PROVING GROUNDS!!!

I was remembering reading the story–in case everyone’s forgotten about it, the gist was that

at Aberdeen Proving Ground, a United States Army base in Aberdeen, Maryland…the Army brought charges against 12 commissioned and non-commissioned male officers for sexual assault on female trainees under their command.

Specifically, a bunch of drill sergeants had been having sex with a bunch of female trainees, with varying degrees of consent on the parts of the trainees. Now, this did not surprise me at all, but what did was the way it was being reported–as if it was a huge shocker, unbelievable!! etc. etc.

Mostly I remember just sitting there, staring at the story, and trying to swallow the fact that anybody, anybody at all was shocked by this. Maybe, I remember trying to think charitably at the time, the reporters on this case had absolutely zero familiarity with the military..? Because boy howdy, anybody who’d ever actually served in the Army knew quite well that Army basic training was a big ol’ sex fest of male drill sergeants and female trainees, right? In my basic training unit, one of our drill sergeants was having sex with at least four of the girls that I knew of, and another was having what could most gently be described as an emotional affair with a fifth, and another drill sergeant, not in my platoon but in my company, actually got married to a sixth girl after she graduated from training.

And yeah, the degrees of consent were variable. The time that the first drill sergeant collapsed our tent on me and a squadmate when we were out in the field and then, after I crawled out, crawled in with her and stayed there for about twenty minutes–that was absolutely consensual, to the best of my knowledge. The time I got sent back to the barracks to retrieve something or other and a girl in one of the other squads in my platoon was sitting on her bunk staring blankly at nothing..? Less so–

Me: Brady*, what are you doing here? Are you sick?
Private Brady, about five feet tall and ninety pounds soaking wet with big blue eyes and freckles, all of eighteen years old: No…I was waxing the floor, and Drill Sergeant Morris* came in, and told me that after I finished the floor I had fifteen minutes to get all the toilets in the bathroom clean enough to eat off of.
Me: Seriously?
Private Brady: I told him I didn’t think I could do it and he said I’d better do it, or I’d better learn how to fuck.
Me, only eighteen myself and totally bewildered: Oh. Wow. What did you do?
Private Brady: We fucked.
Me: Oh. …are you okay?
Private Brady: I guess so. (went back to staring blankly at nothing)

And, of course, there was graduation night, when we all got a four-hour pass to hit the base and wound up at the enlisted club, and another cycle (all male, as ours was all female–Army basic training used to be sex-segregated, the trainees anyway) that was graduating invited us to a party that two of their drill sergeants were having for them in a hotel room–I didn’t go, but some other girls did. When midnight rolled around (the expiration of our four-hour pass), two of them were missing. They did finally show up at the barracks a few hours later, though–one shoved past everyone and ran into the showers, where you could hear her screaming as she tore off her clothes and started viciously scrubbing herself, and the other one flung herself into my arms and started shaking hard enough to bruise my chin with the top of her head, though without making a single sound. The first girl managed to wash away most, though not all, of the evidence of her gang rape before the MPs showed up, but I kept a firm grip on the second girl after some advice from the cold-eyed female drill sergeant from another platoon that was first on the scene, and I heard later they got plenty of evidence off of her body.

My basic training experience was quite representative, really–so you can see why I was sitting there shocked that anybody else was shocked. I mean, everybody knew…we all knew everybody knew.

I had a similar experience last night, reading the following headline:

Uninsured trauma patients are much more likely to die

The risk of dying from traumatic injuries is 80% higher for those without any insurance, a study says. ER physicians say they’re surprised by the findings.

O RLY?

Patients who lack health insurance are more likely to die from car accidents and other traumatic injuries than people who belong to a health plan — even though emergency rooms are required to care for all comers regardless of ability to pay, according to a study published today.

The researchers also did a separate analysis of 209,702 trauma patients ages 18 to 30 because they were less likely to have chronic health conditions that might complicate recovery. Among these younger patients, the risk of death was 89% higher for the uninsured, the study found.

Rosen, now a surgical resident at USC’s Keck School of Medicine, said the group expected to find at least some disparity based on insurance status. But she said the group was surprised at the magnitude of the gap.

Dr. Frank Zwemer Jr., chief of emergency medicine for the Hunter Holmes McGuire VA Medical Center in Richmond, Va., said he was “kind of shocked.”

“Kind of” shocked? Gee, because I’m not shocked at all.

“We don’t ask people, ‘What’s your insurance?’ before we decide whether to intubate them or put in a chest tube,” said Zwemer, who wasn’t involved in the research. “That’s not on our radar anywhere.”

Good God. Did you just spear somebody on your nose, Pinocchio? The very first thing they do when you go to an ER is admit you, and before they ever ask you what’s wrong with you (but, I admit, usually after they ask you for your name) is if you have insurance. If you are unable to speak, they ask whoever has brought you in. LONG before they offer you any medical treatment. I speak from personal experience.

Well, I guess I should be glad that they’re willing to pretend this is some kind of news flash, right? Nothing like emphasizing your dirty laundry as publicly as possible to raise the chances of someone with actual power and authority being willing to do something about it, even if everybody did really already know all about it. Let’s hear it for the pressure of public shame.

But I’m not willing to go along with the pretense. Of course they all knew about it already, just like we all knew already about what went on in Army training barracks. Of course they did.

Disgusting.

*Names changed. Duh.

Moving Day

Sunday, March 29th, 2009

Taking a quick break from descent into cardboard box madness. Now seems like as good a time as any to update my portion of the blogroll. In no particular order:

  1. Dear Leader seems to have taken a shining to us, and I’m happy to return the favor. Like the brilliant Louis Proyect, DL hits a pretty even split between interesting political analysis and teh awesome movie reviews.
  2. The Mahatma X Files is the blog of a Bokononist High Priest* and real-life social psychologist with a lot of interesting stuff to say. (And crap, maybe violent video games really do increase aggressive behavior.)
  3. Avedon Carol’s The Sideshow is a pretty famous blog, I gather, but I’ve only recently discovered it, and I think she rocks.
  4. I know that PunkAssBlog has put out our official position paper on libertarians, but occasionally you do find a libertarian who walks the walk as well as, you know, saying “Taxation is theft!” and all that. Radley Balko’s The Agitator is a very entertaining and eye-opening blog that takes the side of the real-life victims of state fascism on a daily basis.
  5. This Is So Gay is, don’t worry, actually written by someone who is, like, so gay. And smarter than me. In fact they’re probably all smarter than me, but The Promiscuous Reader is definitely smarter than me.
  6. When it comes to 9/11 conspiracy theorists, Winter Patriot is hands-down my favorite.
  7. Low-Tech Magazine is a non-Luddite rag with doubts about technology. They have lots of fun and fascinating articles, all of which pose variations on the question: “What if the most modern solution is not always the best solution?”
  8. And finally, Chris Clarke of Coyote Crossing used to be a regular around these parts, back when Titans trod the Earth. He’s ostensibly a nature writer/blogger– well, okay, he is a nature writer/blogger– but somehow, it’s quite common when I read him to end up having my mind taken in an entirely unexpected direction. Which, I suppose, is one of the reasons some people are so drawn to the great outdoors. Anyway, he’s an outstanding writer, highly recommended.

All right, who else should I be reading? (When I get back to having time to read, that is. Because, after all, this computer’s about to go in a box…)

UPDATE: Oh yeah– forgot to say, feel free to blogwhore away…

———————————————

*(Okay, the part about him being a High Priest is just foma.)

I have done evil things to children…

Monday, March 2nd, 2009

…by feeding them the Big Lie: the false promise of the Happy Ending.

Makiko, who heads my theatre company, just finished directing a local elementary school play in English, an adaptation of four tales from “The Brothers Grimm” for third graders that she’s been putting on there for the past three years. Once upon a time, she finagled me into writing a song for the big finale, wherein Sleeping Beauty’s curse is lifted, and her castle (portrayed by all 75 children in the cast) wakes up. I show up for the last couple of rehearsals each year to play the underscoring and accompinament on a live piano. This year, I must say the show was in fact a stunning success. We may have ruined a few more young lives, tempting them with the siren call of the theatre.

So, for your appreciation, here is the rehearsal version of the big finale, “Fairy Tales Do Come True”. It features cameos by the Brementown Musicians and the witch from Hansel and Gretel. (For the record, I wrote and recorded this well before my recent foray into Muppetophilia. Though of course like most people my age, as a child I certainly was a Muppetophile.)

(Download link)


Creative Commons License

Fairy Tales Do Come True by Quin Arbeitman is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-Share Alike 3.0 Unported License.

Unrelated personal thoughts about blogging that nobody actually wants to read but probably will anyway though I don’t know why you’re inflicting it on yourself when I gave you fair warning, after the jump.

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Oh, well, back to cruising funerals for me.

Thursday, February 7th, 2008

It’s almost Valentine’s Day, which is one of our favorite holidays over here at PAB, a time when we can pause, look at the people around us participating in the Valentine’s hype, and reflect about how much better we are than them because we’re so above that shit.

Especially us single ones. So nyah.

Ok, I’m kidding. Mostly. I also like Valentine’s Day for the after-holiday 75¢ itty bitty chocolate box. And I only know one or two people who go really nuts over Valentine’s. But still, there must be hype to convince the minority that are actually willing to spend real money on this stuff that they’re not the crazy ones, everyone else is just jealous. And where there’s a need for shallow, consumerist tension, there’s MSN. Hate Valentine’s Day? They’d help, but they have no idea what hate actually is. Have you considered dating out of your “type”? Maybe dating people and not stereotypes will bring you happiness this season! Ah, MSN, is there any answer they don’t have?

MSN even offers hope for people like me. You know, people who spend all day in the same place with the same people who already know you’re completely undesirable. I need fresh blood, preferably some that can’t detect the stigma of graduate studies oozing off of me. 10 New Places to Meet Someone! That’s perfect: as long as nine of them aren’t graduate school I can believe there’s a chance for me. I have only seven days to meet this terribly critical yet completely arbitrary deadline, so I hope at least one of these places is conveniently located. Let’s find out together!
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Halloween costumes reveal that we are but empty, broken shells living lives devoid of meaning. Wanna screw?

Monday, October 15th, 2007

My personal MSN favorite Lady Margot Carmichael Hunnybunting Chauncy-Lester has one-upped herself this Halloween season by finally admitting that by ‘free-lance writing’ she meant ‘free-lance transcribing’ the whole time, and has let two guys and an honorary guy let you know what “her” Halloween costume is really saying. Then she turns up the heat by letting…two guys, one of whom is not the same as from the gal’s article, and an honorary guy tell you what “his” Halloween costume is actually saying.

This is the article set that really makes you ask yourself why Lady Margot doesn’t even have six friends.

So what is “she” saying? She’s hot to trot and ready to go, or possibly a frigid bitch. Either way, you can be sure that her costume was carefully picked out to tell you something about whether or not you personally would like to bang her.

Naughty Nurse
Procopio: She gets us guys…
Salem: A girl in a naughty nurse costume is a girl who loves a guy in need of saving…
Spencer: She wants you to know that every good woman is a healthy mix of Florence Nightingale and Pamela Anderson, in relatively equal doses.

Right, so ditch the nurse costume to avoid being hit on by clingy needballs with mommy complexes. Good to know.

Pirate Wench
Procopio: This is the kind of woman we like to hang out and drink with, but we just might end up falling in love with her, too.
Salem: This tells you she’s a woman in charge. The party is on her terms.
Spencer: The message is clear as the Caribbean: Wenches are all about lots of wild, raunchy, uninhibited fun.

So slutty nurse means, horny nurse and slutty pirate just means slut. Pick this costume if you want a guy who will be completely surprised when, after you tie him to the yardarm (i.e. his bed) you spank him like a naughty captive before taking his wallet and returning to the party to buy everyone a round.

Hillary Clinton
Procopio: Umm, the woman who wears this seems to be about as much fun as a night of C-Span watched on a small black-and-white TV with the sound down.
Salem: This girl is smart. Don’t try any of your usual silly lines, treat her like a lady and talk about something intelligent.
Spencer: The woman who chooses this costume might have some serious power or martyr issues, and she may take secret pleasure in grinding men under the heels of her spotless Ferragamo pumps.

We have a winner! Hillary Clinton is the costume of the year for women who want the kinds of douchebags who think they can read into your soul based on whatever costume you picked off the clearance rack at Ambiance to leave them alone.

And finally, the witch costume – flirty and feminist!

Witch
Procopio: This depends on the kind of witch, no? The Bewitched/Sabrina kind of retro-modern thing is someone fun but maybe a bit too peppy. Then there’s the hat/green makeup/warts thing which, I’ve got to be honest, is difficult to see past. She’s kind of putting us at arm’s length from the get-go. There are plenty of naughty nurses and pirate girls walking around who are easier on the eye, and they might well be the better bet for most guys.
Salem: The woman who wears this costume desperately needs to be bad. This is a girl who wants to let go of her usual angel ways and just be naughty. Enjoy her wicked side!
Spencer: An oldie but a goodie, with a vast range of options. Is she a Glinda, Good Witch of the North? Sparkles and pink tulle might attract the average wizard, but isn’t it more interesting to boldly challenge stereotypes by combining an alluring personality with a green face, a crooked warty nose, a gravelly cackle and a lethal-looking broom?

Boldy challenge stereotypes by dressing as a stereotypical witch? Very meta, plus it will apparently bewilder and frighten this Procopio guy. I like it.

Point is, ladies, you know you want it. Your lips say “get bent” but your costume says, “yes yes.” Unless you’re Hillary, that is. So what do guys costumes say?

Well, mostly they say, “pssht! Nice try, lame-o, but Procopio and Salem are way cooler than you.” Spencer has to go along in order to meet the renewal requirements for being one of the guys.

Spider-Man
McHenry: Anyone who dresses as this most sensitive of superheroes is all marshmallow on the inside. Offer him a drink and a shoulder to cry on if you want to be his Mary Jane.
Salem: He may not be Hollywood material looks-wise and is most likely a little bit shy, but a he’s a great romantic. He’s sensitive, fun to be around, and flexible!
Spencer: Spidey is the quintessential anti-hero-hero. Sure, he rescues kittens and staunchly defies the forces of evil on behalf of all mankind, but underneath that body-hugging suit, he’s a seething mass of dark, twisted moral conflict. If you like mystery and a challenge, he’s your man.

You will be so sick of him by the second sequel, so try to keep on decent terms with your astronaut ex.

Chazz Michael Michaels or Jimmy MacElroy from Blades of Glory
McHenry: Will you laugh? Yeah. Will you want to talk to him more than five minutes? Probably not. Unless you really, really adore his impression of Will Ferrell singing “My Humps,” in which case you’re meant for each other anyway.
Salem: This guy always was and always will be the class clown. Confident in his sexuality and a lot of fun. However, you’re probably not the only girl he’s twirling around the ice rink!
Spencer: Do we really need to discuss what you should do with a guy who’d willingly wear a spandex jumpsuit and bad hair in public?

No, because we agree. You have sex with this man. Over and over and over. That’ll learn all you dickwads to judge a book by its cover.

In conclusion, you are a total slut. Unless you are a guy, in which case your costume suggests that you have serious issues.

Vote Lemonparty!

Saturday, October 6th, 2007

The hideous GOP convention logo that Pam posted the other day is suggestive enough without Photoshopping, but I thought I should add my contribution to the pile-on.

GOP convention original
The original. What were they thinking?

Remix after the cut.

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It doesn’t need to make sense if your market is those who confuse being funny with being a prick

Wednesday, April 4th, 2007

I get a lot of t-shirts from threadless, and the shipping information gets sent to my gmail account, which means I get a lot of text ads for ‘funny t-shirt’ sites. So I clicked on the link today and at first, I was offended:

cleverly_rk.jpg dateline-admit_rk.jpg

Ha ha, it’s funny because it’s about fetishizing underage girls!

immigrants-sperm_rk.jpg

Get it? It’s funny because its about sperm and lazy foriegners who just come over here to take advantage of our generous welfare system and free universal healthcare. Ahh, sperm. Tee hee!

But after a bit the site lost its ability to shock me with its crude, faddish humor (Anna Nicole: Thanks for the mammaries) and poor grasp of typography, and all that was left was the bewilderment.

beaver-fresh_rk.jpg

Someone please explain to me what the hell that means. Is there some part of the country where fresh-beaver smacking is practiced and where this would be a witty double entendre, or is this just a random string of words that satisfies the two conditions of expressing a desire for sexualized violence and tying in vaguely with the beaver clip art? How do you determine that a beaver is so fresh it needs to be smacked? What happens if a beaver ages without a good smack?

Get it straight: asses are for smacking, not beavers. You don’t want your girlfriend and/or any animal protective services angry with you for treating the cuddly one like the tough one. Not that you’ll be getting near anything’s tail if you’re running around in shirts like these.

I volunteered as a clinic escort and won this awesome BMX bike!

Thursday, March 22nd, 2007

Marc’s recent post (which is all about the – dare I say it? P-word) has, predictably, generated some defensive posts. A patriarchy post is not as good as a blowjob post for fanning the flames of the blogosphere, but a patriarchy post written by a guy can generate a decent amount of heat. Unfortunately, Marc’s burn-the-village-and-salt-their-fields method of dealing with trolls has deleted the very comment by PatrickKelly (?) that inspired this post, so I can’t directly quote it. I’ll have to paraphrase:

Patriarchy is bad. But matriarchy would also be bad. But I think patriarchy is the one I benefit from, plus it’s what we already got, so that’s where I’m placing my bets. I think I’ll use the term “humanarchy” as well to show you all that while feminists are dividers, I’m a uniter.

However, if you feminists were more willing to lavish me with recognition and praise, maybe I’d do more to subvert the patriarchy from my privileged inside position. But if I don’t get any credit, then screw you.

If Marc could retrieve the original comment, that’d be great.

The attitude of some of these guys reminds me of my childhood in Overprivileged Suburbansprawlia. In Suburbansprawlia, we had lavish junior/senior proms complete with afterparties to keep us occupied with not having sex. The proms were so insane that classes of 300+ kids had to start fundraising and saving starting in seventh grade. But it’s hard to get a 12 year old motivated about saving a crazy amount of money for a party 5 years in the future, so you have to turn it into a game. A competition with immediate results. We sold candy, chocolate bars, coupon books, popcorn, cookies, whatever. We competed against each other and against ourselves. So many dollars in sales went towards points redeemable for prizes ranging from the crappy to the impossible, plus the top sellers in each class would be rewarded with the best prize of all – money and glory in the form of a check presented to you on a stage infront of an audience of all the suckers you beat. Then we kind of vaguely wondered what the hell was happening to all this money, and long after we had forgotten about doing the work, we this huge, elaborate prom that I personally never attended.

This is what the patriarchy defenders want. Sure, they get that patriarchy is bad for women and that they should totally get around to doing something about it sometime. It’s just that right now, they don’t see that it’s bad for men too and that dismantaling the thing seems like it’s going to take so much time and effort and the goal is so far away and nebulous – if only there was a way to keep these guys motivated. Maybe if they saw more tangible benefits from all this hard patriarchy-subverting work, maybe they could keep doing that work.

Now, it’s pretty clear who they expect to be doing the work of both subverting the patriarchy AND stroking their balls about what good patriarchy subverters they are – at least one of the concern trolls was under the impression that I had written Marc’s post. Which made me giggle for a second, thinking about how awesome it would be to send pro-feminist men out to give these kids the thank-you blowjobs they feel they deserve.

Anyway, since I had a few hours to procrastinate this morning, I put together the introductory pamphlet for the new program I want to pitch to boy’s organizations and frats across the country. It’s a cool way that young men (in age and in maturity) can start to see the rewards of fighting the patriarchy almost immediately.
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They used to just give DIY advice, until they realized that women were fixing their homes without pausing to fix their hearts.

Tuesday, March 6th, 2007

It’s dinnertime, and therefore a light blogging hour-lucky for me MSN is recycling some crap I swear to god Amanda wrote about back on Mousewords, but this time, it’s been stuck in their empowerful “Be Jane!” section, which briefly fooled me into thinking there’d be some kind of home-improvement project.

In my defense, it did have the word ‘fix’ in the title:

What Guys Hate About Your Bedroom (And How to Fix It)

I know what guys hate about my bedroom, because my boyfriend told me: they hate how I wrap myself in the whole blanket and then actually knee them in the balls when they try to get just the smallest corner for themselves. And they hate how I fall asleep in the middle of the bed and then use the power of REM sleep to quadruple my body weight, making myself absolutely immovable and forcing the men to sleep on the couch.

I suspect my boyfriend of exaggerating almost as much as I suspect the rest of the article as being completely full of crap.
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Laughing at the movies your very own mother probably slept through.

Sunday, March 4th, 2007

My favorite anti-feminists have stumbled upon a treasure trove of retro fun – home ec reels from the 40’s and 50’s on myspace.

Cooking Terms and What They Mean: finally, someone has defined ’stir’

Cooking: Terms and What They Mean

Add to My Profile | More Videos

Are You Ready for Marriage: a minister and a rubber band convince two teenagers to not marry just because they really want to bang each other.
Are You Ready for Marriage?

Add to My Profile | More Videos

Pattern for Smartness: girls use vanity and only creative outlet to raise funds for boys basketball team.

Pattern For Smartness

Add to My Profile | More Videos

There’s more fun at the myspace page where these came from. Enjoy!

There’s no such thing as a cheap swimsuit.

Saturday, December 16th, 2006

So this finals week, I went to the gym a few times to work off some nervous energy. Since I had more than an hour to work with, I finally got a chance to go swimming. Now I love swimming, it is my least loathed form of exercise, but I haven’t done it regularly in like four years so I suck. And I’m all pudgy and my swimsuits didn’t fit. So back in September, when I told myself that this was the year I’d really, really start swimming again, I purchased a swimsuit. I didn’t want to spend a lot of money, since my intention was to swim until I was thinner and then buy a flattering expensive swimsuit. But this semester, I just needed something functional to cover my ass as required by the rules of my university pool.

It was the end of summer, so I figured I could get a good clearance deal on a swimsuit. And I did, $20 at Land’s End. The swimsuit came, and it was ugly and a little bit low and tight around the chest but otherwise OK. I was more concerned about the amount of pubic hair and ass coverage, which in this particular swimsuit was adaquate.

It sat in my dresser for a few months, then I finally got a chance to go swimming. I got into the lap pool with 5 rather hairy middle aged guys and began to swim using the front crawl stroke. I swam one and a half laps, then paused because something felt wierd. I looked down and saw…

BOOBS! BOOBS EVERYWHERE! C-cup floation devices had burst free from my swimsuit! Nipples exposed to oxygen!!! Gaaahhhh!!!11!

Thinking it might have been an isolated incident, I as discretely as possible shoved my ta-tas back into my discount swimsuit and swam another lap, when I discovered that it happend again. So again I cram the flesh pillows back into my piece of crap Land’s End ugly ass swimsuit, finish the lap and climb out of the pool looking like someone who can’t even do more than three laps in a row – how embarassing.

The upshot of all this is that I need a decent suit and am now willing to spend some cash. Any suggestions?

I’m off to visit the quasi-in-laws. Back tomorrow when I will hopefully write something worth reading.

This Winter Solstice, the Winter Elf gave me a shotgun and a barrel of fish

Thursday, December 7th, 2006

It’s finals week starting tomorrow, so rather than do anything insightful I thought I’d just make fun some chick I found on the internets for a bit. I got her from the same place that Marc got Amanda Sopasto. Lindsey Russell caught my eye with her bold essay, As Arrogant as He May Be, Bill O’Reilly is Right Regarding the Culture War: The War on Christmas. I can’t resist me some war on Christmas mocking.

First off, I want to clarify a couple of things:

1. I agree with Bill O’Reilly’s statements regarding the culture wars and the war on Christmas.

Just to clarify, do you really mean all his statements? Like, including the batshit paranoid ones? And the blatent lies? Or the batshit paranoid lies?

3. I am a Christian.

4. I believe that everyone in the United States has the right to express his or her own religion. We should not be a homogeneous country made up entirely of Christians.

And why not? Do you not appreciate the astonishing diversity of Christian thought? We could be 100% Christian and still have enough to bicker about until Jesus returns to tell us which Christian denomination was the most rightest. In fact, having to battle against the twin evils of tolerance and other religions is sucking up valuable time splitting Christian hairs, which is just one more reason we need Xmas up front and center this holiday season.

5. No religion should receive preferential treatment in the public sphere.

Except mine, that is. You know, the right one. No, I won’t tell you which one. It’s my salvation! Get your own!

Now that that’s out of the way, I will define the problem. I believe that there has been a concerted effort to thwart the public display of the Christian religion in recent years. It is no longer politically correct to say “Merry Christmas” or to display a nativity scene in front of city hall.

I believe that Lindsey lives under a very strictly athiest rock in a far away mountain right next to the last person on earth who had never heard of Coca-Cola. It makes more sense to me than her theory, which predicts that Cleveland’s Soft Rock WDOK declared itself “Cleveland’s Continuous Christmas station” and began playing exclusively holiday (holiday = 98.9% Christmas, 1.1% other) music begining the day after Thanksgiving in order to lead the battle against the forces of political correctness. Mayhaps when they did this last year (and the year before and so on) it was profitable? As for nativity scenes in front of city hall, perhaps Lindsey should read what she just wrote before writing more.

1. There has been a backlash against the politically correct “Happy Holidays.” Recently Wal-Mart announced that their greeters and cashiers will no longer say “Happy Holidays,” but will now say “Merry Christmas.”

*cough* Among other holiday greetings *cough*. Indeed, thank god those fearless FOX supported Christmas warriors were able to persuade WalMart to switch from one convenient all-inclusive greeting to a hodgepodge of greetings. Hopefully they’ll remember to supply cashiers with a list just incase they start falling back on “Happy holidays” after they you know, stop caring.

Personally, I think people have had enough of the generic, meaningless “Happy Holidays.” Let’s be honest, this country is still predominately Christian. That doesn’t mean that people who practice other religions or belief systems feel excluded. It simply means that ALL Americans should be free to express their religious beliefs in the public sphere. Separation of Church and State should not mean a complete ban on all public displays of religion.

“Happy holidays” is no less meaningful than any of the other meaningless crap Americans bandy about to display the minimum requisite acknowledgement of each other’s existence. For example, when I ask you “what’s up” I don’t really care what’s up with you. And when that nice Ukranian scientist from the lab downstairs asks me how I am, I assume that’s just something they told him to say in English class way back whenever, and I respond “hello” and keep walking. This might drive him nuts, but I can’t tell because I’m already walking away. Similarly, happy holidays means “it’s the season to be polite and friendly. So here’s some friendly politeness.” If you ever want “merry christmas” to slide back into that kind of use, then you need to stop spending every year tainting it with the unspoken “screw you, Jew! (Muslim, Pagan, whatever)” by bitching about how oppressed Christmas is.

In addition, please take a moment to familiarize yourself with the difference between you as a private person going to the park and screaming about how Christian you are and then erecting a life-size backlit nativity in your yard, and your councilman spending city dollars on a holiday display that has significance to only one portion of the city’s residents. Or the difference between WalMart encouraging the use of “Happy Holidays” over or under “Merry Christmas” as a company policy, and say an elementary school keeping the holiday pagent blandly secular in order to prevent the appearance of a state-run institution endorsing a specific holiday. The differences are there, just keep looking.

But hey, why not just accept that the best way to maximize profits, avoid hurt feelings and skip over costly 1st Amendment lawsuits is to just be bland and civil? You get the lights, the sales, and pretty although non-specific decorations in your stores and public buildings and all the nativity scenes or god help us, blow up santa clauses that your yard can contain.

Or you could suggest a completely insane solution.

In my opinion, there is a simple solution to all of this mess. Why not allow public religious displays from EVERY religion?

Umm, is Lindsey aware that there are more than three religions? And that some of the others are kind of wierd? And that that kind of civic policy encourages people like me to threaten to take the city to court if my religious beliefs are not respected by placing my BDSM nativity somewhere on the village green, not too far from the sweet spot occupied by the more boring nativity and the giant menorah? Someone hasn’t thought this one through.

It would be appropriate for a city such as New York City to have both a Christian and a Jewish holiday display.

My mistake, Lindsey apparently believes that there are only two religions.

I simply don’t see how you could go wrong with such a simple system.

Then you’re not being creative enough, sweetie. I can think of a few hilarious results right off the top of my head.

Getting rid of religion in the public sphere is a dangerous step towards losing religious freedom.

Riiiiigggggghhhhhhhhtttttttttt. I like how she ends the essay with that statement, as though it is self-evident. Come back, Lindsey, keep typing. We beg you to expand on that.

Linsdey, who is quite a prolific writer, had posted a “Girls Guide to Google v Yahoo!” on the very day that she wrote her Christmas schtick. I’m not sure what made this guide specifically for girls, unless she meant to make the background pink but couldn’t figure it out. She might not be that computer literate, as it’s two-thousand-fucking-six and she JUST FOUND GOOGLE LABS. But found it she has and she’s ditching yahoo! and because everyone on the internets needs and wants exactly what she needs and wants, maybe you should switch to google too. Of course, it’s not perfect:

As for Yahoo! Local, I haven’t come across a Google alternative yet. Yahoo! Local provides information and reviews for local business – based upon your zip code. It is handy – and you can provide your own feedback as well.

I guess she hasn’t gotten to the L’s in google labs yet. Don’t tell her that you can make any search local by entering your search terms and your zip code.

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Cleveland pisses all over Christmas, 2005