Fucking Holidays « PAB: For the poorest of elites.

when the status quo frustrates.

Happy National Boss Day!

Tuesday, October 16th, 2007

For years, one section of the American work force has been deeply and consistently underappreciated. While fatcat secretaries get a free lunch once a year to supplement their $9/hr, and Moms and Dads get their own special days celebrating all of their work, when was the last time anyone stopped to thank their boss?

And I don’t just mean the middle manager directly over your subsection under the deputy director of your department — I mean your boss. I’m talking about the person who decides that employee health coverage damages the bottom line. The person who fought tooth and nail for that new maquiladora. The person who paid him or herself an average of 14 million bucks to suffer through all those golf outings and corporate retreats.

God bless the CEO. Corporate America has revolutionized the world in many ways, but none have been quite so grand as the canonization of a glorified corporate mascot. So let’s celebrate, eh?

Fun facts about Boss Day:

HOLIDAY HISTORY
• Began in 1958 when Patricia Bays Haroski, then an employee at State Farm Insurance Company in Deerfield, Ill., registered the holiday with the U.S. Chamber of Commerce.

• Ms. Haroski chose Oct. 16, her father’s birthday, as the date for National Boss Day because she felt he was an exemplary boss.

• National Boss Day has become an international celebration in recent years and now is observed in countries such a England, Australia and South Africa.

If you aren’t sure how to reward your boss, consider a fake magazine cover or personalized bobblehead. Also, a $50 fruit and flower basket would be nice. Whatever you choose, though, take a moment to thank Ms. Haroski for creating one more way for you to line to the pockets of your Dear Leader. Or, failing that, one more opportunity for him or her to be disappointed in you.

16.10.2007 Punkass!, Corporate Idiocy, Fucking Holidays 4 Comments

Halloween costumes reveal that we are but empty, broken shells living lives devoid of meaning. Wanna screw?

Monday, October 15th, 2007

My personal MSN favorite Lady Margot Carmichael Hunnybunting Chauncy-Lester has one-upped herself this Halloween season by finally admitting that by ‘free-lance writing’ she meant ‘free-lance transcribing’ the whole time, and has let two guys and an honorary guy let you know what “her” Halloween costume is really saying. Then she turns up the heat by letting…two guys, one of whom is not the same as from the gal’s article, and an honorary guy tell you what “his” Halloween costume is actually saying.

This is the article set that really makes you ask yourself why Lady Margot doesn’t even have six friends.

So what is “she” saying? She’s hot to trot and ready to go, or possibly a frigid bitch. Either way, you can be sure that her costume was carefully picked out to tell you something about whether or not you personally would like to bang her.

Naughty Nurse
Procopio: She gets us guys…
Salem: A girl in a naughty nurse costume is a girl who loves a guy in need of saving…
Spencer: She wants you to know that every good woman is a healthy mix of Florence Nightingale and Pamela Anderson, in relatively equal doses.

Right, so ditch the nurse costume to avoid being hit on by clingy needballs with mommy complexes. Good to know.

Pirate Wench
Procopio: This is the kind of woman we like to hang out and drink with, but we just might end up falling in love with her, too.
Salem: This tells you she’s a woman in charge. The party is on her terms.
Spencer: The message is clear as the Caribbean: Wenches are all about lots of wild, raunchy, uninhibited fun.

So slutty nurse means, horny nurse and slutty pirate just means slut. Pick this costume if you want a guy who will be completely surprised when, after you tie him to the yardarm (i.e. his bed) you spank him like a naughty captive before taking his wallet and returning to the party to buy everyone a round.

Hillary Clinton
Procopio: Umm, the woman who wears this seems to be about as much fun as a night of C-Span watched on a small black-and-white TV with the sound down.
Salem: This girl is smart. Don’t try any of your usual silly lines, treat her like a lady and talk about something intelligent.
Spencer: The woman who chooses this costume might have some serious power or martyr issues, and she may take secret pleasure in grinding men under the heels of her spotless Ferragamo pumps.

We have a winner! Hillary Clinton is the costume of the year for women who want the kinds of douchebags who think they can read into your soul based on whatever costume you picked off the clearance rack at Ambiance to leave them alone.

And finally, the witch costume – flirty and feminist!

Witch
Procopio: This depends on the kind of witch, no? The Bewitched/Sabrina kind of retro-modern thing is someone fun but maybe a bit too peppy. Then there’s the hat/green makeup/warts thing which, I’ve got to be honest, is difficult to see past. She’s kind of putting us at arm’s length from the get-go. There are plenty of naughty nurses and pirate girls walking around who are easier on the eye, and they might well be the better bet for most guys.
Salem: The woman who wears this costume desperately needs to be bad. This is a girl who wants to let go of her usual angel ways and just be naughty. Enjoy her wicked side!
Spencer: An oldie but a goodie, with a vast range of options. Is she a Glinda, Good Witch of the North? Sparkles and pink tulle might attract the average wizard, but isn’t it more interesting to boldly challenge stereotypes by combining an alluring personality with a green face, a crooked warty nose, a gravelly cackle and a lethal-looking broom?

Boldy challenge stereotypes by dressing as a stereotypical witch? Very meta, plus it will apparently bewilder and frighten this Procopio guy. I like it.

Point is, ladies, you know you want it. Your lips say “get bent” but your costume says, “yes yes.” Unless you’re Hillary, that is. So what do guys costumes say?

Well, mostly they say, “pssht! Nice try, lame-o, but Procopio and Salem are way cooler than you.” Spencer has to go along in order to meet the renewal requirements for being one of the guys.

Spider-Man
McHenry: Anyone who dresses as this most sensitive of superheroes is all marshmallow on the inside. Offer him a drink and a shoulder to cry on if you want to be his Mary Jane.
Salem: He may not be Hollywood material looks-wise and is most likely a little bit shy, but a he’s a great romantic. He’s sensitive, fun to be around, and flexible!
Spencer: Spidey is the quintessential anti-hero-hero. Sure, he rescues kittens and staunchly defies the forces of evil on behalf of all mankind, but underneath that body-hugging suit, he’s a seething mass of dark, twisted moral conflict. If you like mystery and a challenge, he’s your man.

You will be so sick of him by the second sequel, so try to keep on decent terms with your astronaut ex.

Chazz Michael Michaels or Jimmy MacElroy from Blades of Glory
McHenry: Will you laugh? Yeah. Will you want to talk to him more than five minutes? Probably not. Unless you really, really adore his impression of Will Ferrell singing “My Humps,” in which case you’re meant for each other anyway.
Salem: This guy always was and always will be the class clown. Confident in his sexuality and a lot of fun. However, you’re probably not the only girl he’s twirling around the ice rink!
Spencer: Do we really need to discuss what you should do with a guy who’d willingly wear a spandex jumpsuit and bad hair in public?

No, because we agree. You have sex with this man. Over and over and over. That’ll learn all you dickwads to judge a book by its cover.

In conclusion, you are a total slut. Unless you are a guy, in which case your costume suggests that you have serious issues.

15.10.2007 Entertainment, Fucking Holidays, Public Procrastination 3 Comments

Patriotism: What is it good for?

Wednesday, July 4th, 2007

A friend posed the question, “Are you patriotic?” on his blog. My response elicited a fairly interesting discussion wherein the utilitarian value of patriotism was debated.

Because it’s not just that I’m not patriotic. The thought of my own nation seems precariously abstract, with its imaginary lines and precarious sovereignty and identity. It brings up as many negative associations (colonialism, slavery, residential schools, deportations, rampant homelessness, attacks on Haïti and Afghanistan, being the first country to refuse to recognize the results of the Palestinian election) as warm fuzzy feelings (health care, and…health care. For now.). But it’s more than that, because you can love something despite its flaws, and many people find themselves capable of critical patriotism that allows them to fight passionately to perfect their nation. It’s that I, personally, can’t understand what emotionally compels an individual to feel pride in place, or to hang a flag outside of their house.

Every time I visit the States, I’m astounded at how many American flags are on display. It’s as though people are afraid that they’ll forget which country they’re in, and have to reassure themselves with constant reminders. It’s not just a symbol of nation, but a symbol of various qualities: authenticity, quality (“Made in the U.S.A.!”). For some, it’s a sign of aggression (“This home is defended by guns and attack dogs!”) for others, that one is non-threatening (“This convenience store is run by Muslims, but we’re not those Muslims; we’re proud Americans!”). It’s far more common, and imbued with far deeper and more complicated meanings than the Canadian flag is here. It’s almost automatic in some places—if you’re not visually expressing your patriotism, what’s wrong with you?

Quite a few Canadians claim to love Canada the way Americans love America. I spent Canada Day in a pub where they gave out sparklers for a drinking game: Every time someone lit one, everyone was to toast the country. It’s not that we don’t do patriotism here. It’s that I don’t understand what makes someone patriotic.

The utilitarian arguments advanced in the blog discussion were taxes and social order and productivity, the latter two meant to draw human effort away from selfish, profit-oriented pursuits and towards broader, cooperative goals. This is worthwhile (assuming that the nation itself isn’t selfish and profit-oriented), but nothing that couldn’t be accomplished on local (more concrete and democratic) or regional/global (more universal) levels.

Some questions, then: Are you patriotic? Is it for emotional or utilitarian reasons? How do you express it? What good can patriotism accomplish, if any? Is there a difference between national love and national pride? Today, can the nation-state ever be a progressive force?

04.07.2007 Fucking Holidays, Politics, Soapbox 10 Comments

This Winter Solstice, the Winter Elf gave me a shotgun and a barrel of fish

Thursday, December 7th, 2006

It’s finals week starting tomorrow, so rather than do anything insightful I thought I’d just make fun some chick I found on the internets for a bit. I got her from the same place that Marc got Amanda Sopasto. Lindsey Russell caught my eye with her bold essay, As Arrogant as He May Be, Bill O’Reilly is Right Regarding the Culture War: The War on Christmas. I can’t resist me some war on Christmas mocking.

First off, I want to clarify a couple of things:

1. I agree with Bill O’Reilly’s statements regarding the culture wars and the war on Christmas.

Just to clarify, do you really mean all his statements? Like, including the batshit paranoid ones? And the blatent lies? Or the batshit paranoid lies?

3. I am a Christian.

4. I believe that everyone in the United States has the right to express his or her own religion. We should not be a homogeneous country made up entirely of Christians.

And why not? Do you not appreciate the astonishing diversity of Christian thought? We could be 100% Christian and still have enough to bicker about until Jesus returns to tell us which Christian denomination was the most rightest. In fact, having to battle against the twin evils of tolerance and other religions is sucking up valuable time splitting Christian hairs, which is just one more reason we need Xmas up front and center this holiday season.

5. No religion should receive preferential treatment in the public sphere.

Except mine, that is. You know, the right one. No, I won’t tell you which one. It’s my salvation! Get your own!

Now that that’s out of the way, I will define the problem. I believe that there has been a concerted effort to thwart the public display of the Christian religion in recent years. It is no longer politically correct to say “Merry Christmas” or to display a nativity scene in front of city hall.

I believe that Lindsey lives under a very strictly athiest rock in a far away mountain right next to the last person on earth who had never heard of Coca-Cola. It makes more sense to me than her theory, which predicts that Cleveland’s Soft Rock WDOK declared itself “Cleveland’s Continuous Christmas station” and began playing exclusively holiday (holiday = 98.9% Christmas, 1.1% other) music begining the day after Thanksgiving in order to lead the battle against the forces of political correctness. Mayhaps when they did this last year (and the year before and so on) it was profitable? As for nativity scenes in front of city hall, perhaps Lindsey should read what she just wrote before writing more.

1. There has been a backlash against the politically correct “Happy Holidays.” Recently Wal-Mart announced that their greeters and cashiers will no longer say “Happy Holidays,” but will now say “Merry Christmas.”

*cough* Among other holiday greetings *cough*. Indeed, thank god those fearless FOX supported Christmas warriors were able to persuade WalMart to switch from one convenient all-inclusive greeting to a hodgepodge of greetings. Hopefully they’ll remember to supply cashiers with a list just incase they start falling back on “Happy holidays” after they you know, stop caring.

Personally, I think people have had enough of the generic, meaningless “Happy Holidays.” Let’s be honest, this country is still predominately Christian. That doesn’t mean that people who practice other religions or belief systems feel excluded. It simply means that ALL Americans should be free to express their religious beliefs in the public sphere. Separation of Church and State should not mean a complete ban on all public displays of religion.

“Happy holidays” is no less meaningful than any of the other meaningless crap Americans bandy about to display the minimum requisite acknowledgement of each other’s existence. For example, when I ask you “what’s up” I don’t really care what’s up with you. And when that nice Ukranian scientist from the lab downstairs asks me how I am, I assume that’s just something they told him to say in English class way back whenever, and I respond “hello” and keep walking. This might drive him nuts, but I can’t tell because I’m already walking away. Similarly, happy holidays means “it’s the season to be polite and friendly. So here’s some friendly politeness.” If you ever want “merry christmas” to slide back into that kind of use, then you need to stop spending every year tainting it with the unspoken “screw you, Jew! (Muslim, Pagan, whatever)” by bitching about how oppressed Christmas is.

In addition, please take a moment to familiarize yourself with the difference between you as a private person going to the park and screaming about how Christian you are and then erecting a life-size backlit nativity in your yard, and your councilman spending city dollars on a holiday display that has significance to only one portion of the city’s residents. Or the difference between WalMart encouraging the use of “Happy Holidays” over or under “Merry Christmas” as a company policy, and say an elementary school keeping the holiday pagent blandly secular in order to prevent the appearance of a state-run institution endorsing a specific holiday. The differences are there, just keep looking.

But hey, why not just accept that the best way to maximize profits, avoid hurt feelings and skip over costly 1st Amendment lawsuits is to just be bland and civil? You get the lights, the sales, and pretty although non-specific decorations in your stores and public buildings and all the nativity scenes or god help us, blow up santa clauses that your yard can contain.

Or you could suggest a completely insane solution.

In my opinion, there is a simple solution to all of this mess. Why not allow public religious displays from EVERY religion?

Umm, is Lindsey aware that there are more than three religions? And that some of the others are kind of wierd? And that that kind of civic policy encourages people like me to threaten to take the city to court if my religious beliefs are not respected by placing my BDSM nativity somewhere on the village green, not too far from the sweet spot occupied by the more boring nativity and the giant menorah? Someone hasn’t thought this one through.

It would be appropriate for a city such as New York City to have both a Christian and a Jewish holiday display.

My mistake, Lindsey apparently believes that there are only two religions.

I simply don’t see how you could go wrong with such a simple system.

Then you’re not being creative enough, sweetie. I can think of a few hilarious results right off the top of my head.

Getting rid of religion in the public sphere is a dangerous step towards losing religious freedom.

Riiiiigggggghhhhhhhhtttttttttt. I like how she ends the essay with that statement, as though it is self-evident. Come back, Lindsey, keep typing. We beg you to expand on that.

Linsdey, who is quite a prolific writer, had posted a “Girls Guide to Google v Yahoo!” on the very day that she wrote her Christmas schtick. I’m not sure what made this guide specifically for girls, unless she meant to make the background pink but couldn’t figure it out. She might not be that computer literate, as it’s two-thousand-fucking-six and she JUST FOUND GOOGLE LABS. But found it she has and she’s ditching yahoo! and because everyone on the internets needs and wants exactly what she needs and wants, maybe you should switch to google too. Of course, it’s not perfect:

As for Yahoo! Local, I haven’t come across a Google alternative yet. Yahoo! Local provides information and reviews for local business – based upon your zip code. It is handy – and you can provide your own feedback as well.

I guess she hasn’t gotten to the L’s in google labs yet. Don’t tell her that you can make any search local by entering your search terms and your zip code.

Cleveland pisses all over Christmas, 2005

07.12.2006 Conformity, Fucking Holidays, HUH!?, Public Procrastination 8 Comments

It is better to give than to receive. This is especially true of a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.

Tuesday, November 28th, 2006

Chuck Norris is the gift that keeps on giving this holiday season. And here I figured he’d never achieve the dizzying heights of cluelessness that his debut achieved. But here he is, ready to unleash some of that patented kung-fu cowboy action in the War on Christmas, which as you’ll recall has already been won.

Since like his doll name counterpart, we’ll never be completely rid of Chucky, we might as well make the best of it. I know, I know, but complaining won’t change anything. To make it easier on all of us, I hypothosize that Chuck’s columns make for an excellent text-based drinking game. You have until the end of the thread to help me flesh out the rules.

1. Take a shot every time Chuck mentions that he used to be a professional martial artist.

We had so little money that I didn’t have real toys to play with, so I used clothespins and an active imagination.

The clothespins served as toy soldiers or cowboys. I made the big clothespins the bad guys and the little ones the good guys. Of course the larger they were, the harder they fell! (Imagery that would later serve my Martial Arts career.)

Make it two shots if the term “martial arts” is used in conjunction with the term “six time world champion.”

2. Take a shot every time Chuck mentions that he used to be an actor.

3. Take a shot for every mention of humble beginings.

I can still remember her coming home exhausted from her job at the laundry and saying that we were blessed. We didn’t have much, but what we did have, we sure appreciated. And what we had most was each other, and the Lord.

Take three shots if tear-inducing references to childhood hardship and the simple pleasures of life is followed immediately by commercial plug:

Most of all, I still believe what mom taught me: the heart of Christmas is found in a stable not in a store.

No business can take away that fact from any of us.

(One of the best ways you and your family can be refreshed about the true meaning of Christmas this season is by seeing the new family-friendly movie, ”The Nativity Story,” opening in 3,000 theaters nationwide this Friday, Dec. 1. I recommend it highly!)

Four shots if he ever plugs anything that he is in.

4. One shot for every cliche:

Some might call me old-fashioned, but I still believe in a white Christmas, chestnuts roasting on an open fire, and family and friends giving thanks to God.

See if you can come up with any more. But I think that my rules alone can make a single Chuck Norris WND column an alcohol poisoning related trip to the emergency room. So in the interest of keeping the fatalities to a minimum:

5. Shots must be consumed while your friend who can make the funny voices recites the offending lines while dangling this picture in front of his face:

Friends, we all must model and teach children that the heart of Christmas isn’t found under a tree. It’s discovered in our hearts. Now who wants to oil my chest?

Any booze that is splashed out of the cup during the giggling fit is gone forever and needs not be replenished before the shot is consumed.

Post title from ChuckNorrisFacts.com

28.11.2006 Punkass!, Celebrity, Fucking Holidays 1 Comment

The value of opinionated, decentralized, interconnected information dissemination

Thursday, November 23rd, 2006

It’s no secret that Chris Clarke has grown weary of participating in the blogosphere, and maybe of the sphere itself. I’m too new to the format to presume I know exactly what he’s going through, but I do know how it feels to burn out on a writing format or forum. When you’re done, you’re done.

In his last post before taking a hiatus, Chris printed a comment left previously at Creek Running North. The commenter wonders whether blogs have any real value at all:

I’ve had the thought that blogs are “over.”

It’s a question worth posing on every blog:

What has all the good writing, the confirmation that there is really Someone Intelligent and Caring out there, actually accomplished—besides making us feel a little better for a few minutes?

Be honest about that. Even with the really big-time blogs. What real, solid gains—for people other than the big bloggers themselves, who enjoy a quasi-celebrity and a quasi-legitimacy—have been made because of blogs?

I’m not posing the question to put this blog down. It’s thoughtful, it’s well-written. But Chris himself mentions doubt about the real utility of blogs among his reasons to go on hiatus.

I think it’s a doubt worth addressing.

What is this medium for, exactly?

I thought that on this, the day of giving some thanks, I would give my thanks for the blogosphere by answering that question as best I can, albeit from a (relative) n00b’s perspective.

23.11.2006 Blogitics, Fucking Holidays 11 Comments

This Christmas season, Marines shoot the bird to Jesus (dolls)

Tuesday, November 14th, 2006

Thanks, but no thanks, you fundie bastards:

A talking Jesus doll has been turned down by the Marine Reserves’ Toys for Tots program.

A suburban Los Angeles company offered to donate 4,000 of the foot-tall dolls, which quote Bible verses, for distribution to needy children this holiday season.

Kudos to the Corps. While they chalk up the rejection in part to being a government entity that cannot show preference to one religion over another, they also admit the dirty secret about talking Jesus dolls:

Grein also questioned whether children would welcome a gift designed for religious instruction. “Kids want a gift for the holiday season that is fun,” he said.

There you have it: the marines have officially designated religious instruction as un-fun. In this matter, I can safely say I support our troops.

14.11.2006 Fucking Holidays, Godbaggery 20 Comments

Walmart leads retailers in granting culture warriors their post-election consolation prize

Saturday, November 11th, 2006

Remember the great and glorious battles of the culture war, back when America had no problems whatsoever (2001-present) and was able to focus on the issues that mattered: gays and conflating the commericial with the religious significance of major holidays? Remember the mighty battles?

On the November 28 broadcast of his nationally syndicated radio show, host Bill O’Reilly pointed to “a very secret plan” by the “secular progressive” movement, which he said aims to “diminish Christian philosophy in the U.S.A.” It is a plan he links to his perception that many now avoid the holiday greeting “Merry Christmas.”

And the dirty tricks?

Bill O’Reilly played a year-old clip from The Daily Show with Jon Stewart on his radio and cable shows to demonstrate the assault on Christmas by secular forces. However, he falsely told his radio listeners that the clip aired the day before and left his cable viewers with a similar misleading impression.

Well the ends have just justified the means, baby! USA! USA! JEEEEESSSUUUUSSSSSS!

That’s right, Christmas is ascendant at WalMart, where the birth of Our Savior will be treated with the reverence and respect it deserves, in the form of everyday low prices on all of the hottest home electronics and toys this season.

Whether in the aisles or on the air, online or on TV, Wal-Mart (NYSE: WMT) today announced
that ‘Christmas’ and ‘value’ will dominate its U.S. marketing and in-store initiatives throughout this year’s holiday season….

“This year, more than ever, our shoppers will see and hear more about Christmas and the incredible values Wal-Mart is providing for their holiday shopping needs,” said John Fleming, executive vice president of marketing. “Our prices will allow our customers to be smart shoppers and celebrate even more.”

Seems like a fair trade to me, Bill O’Reilly. We’ll take the House, the Senate, a few state governorships, and maybe the White House in a few years. You can have 60% more of the word Christmas in the funnest fonts of the season to crumple up and use as packing material, and the fun of watching WalMart employees pick a holiday greeting at random to greet you with:

In addition, we encourage our associates at Wal-Mart and Sam’s Club to greet customers utilizing various glad tidings inclusive of, but not limited to, Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, Happy Kwanzaa, Happy Hanukkah and Feliz Navidad, to name a few.

Happy Festivus, WalMart shopper, and a cheery May Day to you as well.

This really doesn’t matter to me, because a) I don’t shop at WalMart at all and b)even though I do shop at some of the other stores that are also caving into this crap, the war on Christmas never won the battle I really cared about: eliminating those motion-detecting dancing singing Santas and trees. With those things setting the bar in holiday obnoxiousness, I probably won’t even notice the Christmas-countdowns. But that’s just snooty yuppie me, let’s hear from the unwashed masses that retailers are hoping to woo with this newfound respect for Christianity.

It doesn’t matter to Stacie Walsh of Royal Oak which words Wal-Mart uses or doesn’t use. She’ll shop there anyway if the price is right.

“I have about 20 people to buy for and I don’t make enough money to think about who’s being PC,” said Walsh, a hairdresser. “If Wal-Mart sells the scarf my mom wants for cheaper, then I’ll get it at Wal-Mart.”

Way to have your finger on the pulse of America, Bill. Glad to see it was all worth it.

11.11.2006 Big Business, Fucking Holidays, Wingnuts 5 Comments

WalMart prepares to shoot its X-mas wad prematurely to make up for unfortunate attempt to sell to its betters

Friday, November 3rd, 2006

I was flipping through a fashion magazine some months ago as I waited for Walmart to install new tires on my boyfriend’s car (please, I know. I’ve been having more success recently in getting him to spend his money elsewhere. It helps alot that their clothes are for crap.) and there was a whole section in the magazine devoted to stylish clothes you could buy at Walmart. I think it was actually a special insert for copies of that magazine sold at Walmart, but I don’t know for sure. And I thought “pffft! whatever.”

Turns out, it was all a part of Walmart’s strategy of trying to lure a more monied customer. You’d think this would be a slam-dunk: providing luxury items for not cheap, but cheaper than elsewhere so that moderately well-off people can appear richer, just like the actual poor can use Walmart’s savings in wages and health benefits to close the gap between what they make and what necessary stuff actually costs.

But I guess the stench of Walmart’s reputation is rank and horrible, for the faux-affluent were not fooled by the newly cleared and cleaned aisles and not-exactly-counterfeit-but-certainly-not-genuine home and fashion merchandise. Walmart obviously, and for good reason, wasn’t willing to totally snub the “low-end market,” and the low-end market wasn’t interested in 300-ct sheets, and the 300-ct sheet market wasn’t interested in WalMart 300-ct sheets, or getting thier fashionable apparel from the same place they got their laundry detergent and tampons.

Also, the whole thing raised uncomfortable class issues; not that class is an issue in America, of course, but still, um, well…you know.

A bigger challenge, said Joe Pillota, vice president of BIG Research, a Worthington, Ohio, consumer research firm, is affluent shoppers by nature don’t feel comfortable in stores where they are overwhelmingly outnumbered by people who look lower class.

That’s why he thinks the company’s first steps to develop a Wal-Mart store that fits into more affluent neighborhoods may not be enough.

“They proably will have to give it another name,” he said, noting that in England Wal-Mart rival Tesco calls its most fashionable stores Tesco Plus.

So the whole thing didn’t really work that well and now Walmart’s in a bit of a pickle. The yuppies didn’t take the lavishly appointed bait, and sales slowed at established stores. In fact, thier bacteria-culture-like growth is becoming, well, it’s still growing like strep in a petri dish, but not like a few strep in a new petri dish and that’s I guess a cause for concern when your corporate strategy is “unsustainable growth until the planet begins to wobble on its axis under the weight of our many stores.”

At stake, for Wal-Mart, is billions of dollars in holiday sales. For November, the retailer expects zero sales growth at stores open at least a year, which would represent its weakest performance in nearly a decade. The retailer reported growth of just 0.5 percent in October, well below its competition.

The numbers do not mean Wal-Mart is not growing — revenue is at record levels — but suggests that sales at existing stores are now growing at a slower pace.

So you’re the hugest retailer in the country and you just sort of fucked up, what’s plan B?

Start a price war and ring in the holiday shopping early!

The holiday shopping season is starting early this year. As in today.

Expecting a grim November, Wal-Mart Stores said it would immediately slash prices on 100 popular electronics, abruptly rearranging the Christmas calendar for its customers and competitors.

Oh, boy, Walmart is going to force everyone to bring out the holiday cheer almost a month early! The way things are now, you can get almost all the way to Christmas without being completely burned out with holiday cheer, if you’re careful to limit the amount of time you spend in public, reading magazines, or watching television. But now WalMart has broken the seal on a new evil and things will never be the same again. Hopefully they’ll slap some Merry Christmases in their ads in the next couple of weeks and FOX can shut the fuck up about their stupid annual War on Christmas coverage.

Speaking of FOX, this new WalMart strategy kind of reminds me of FOXs scheduling strategy. FOX, of course, starts seasons seemingly at random, drops and reintroduces shows at odd times for odd reasons, and rearranges their line-up frequently. They do this for two reasons: 1) because they can, and 2) to fuck with their competitors. However, this kind of playing with the consumer/viewer space-time continuum is a risky business- more than one perfectly good series on FOX had been cancelled because viewers simply could not keep track of their favorite shows. This, of course, doesn’t matter to FOX, because they can just sell the DVDs and use the valuable air time for cheaper reality shows. But retail is a different matter entirely, and WalMart may be unleashing consumer forces it can’t understand.

If there’s a consumer electronics price war, they’ll win against the other big box retailers because they have the special WalMart economies of scale and the power of the satan on their side. But if they manage to whip the people into a frenzy early, will there be enough energy left after Thanksgiving to sustain the normal winter consumption fest that is the only thing that keeps so many of these stores in the black? Or will people (please, people, don’t disappoint me) spend less if given enough time to actually think about what they’re doing?

More importantly, what happens if it works, and the Christmas shopping season begins Nov. 1 from now on? Is that a world we really want to live in? I’m scared. Somebody hold me.

03.11.2006 Big Business, Fucking Holidays 6 Comments

America’s one smooth criminal

Tuesday, July 4th, 2006

I’m lucky to be an American.

Whatever freedoms we’ve recently lost have never been known by most people in the world. Those qualities/beliefs/experiences for which so many Americans still face discrimination might be grounds for execution elsewhere. We have access to mountains of stuff. We are fortunate to be writing, reading, and commenting at these computers, wherever we are, and I (almost) never forget it.

But I’m not proud to be an American.

What’s so great about nationalist pride, anyway? Why is it often implied that I should worship and adore America without qualification lest I be branded a villain? This kind of zeal is no better than fundamentalist zeal; it obstructs critical thinking in all the same dangerous ways.

From the earliest age, we teach children that America is the land of freedom and opportunity, pure and untainted. Teachers present the US as the world’s enlightened protagonist. Other than brief coverage of slavery and the conditions leading up to the civil rights movement — which are treated as bizarre exceptions to the American rule — US kids gain little or no access to some of our ugly mistakes. Instead, even through high school, they are force-fed the myths that our checks always balance, our intentions are always just, and we always make room for the little guy.

It’s no wonder, then, that so many Americans patently refuse to accept we are capable of wrongdoing. Believing that the US has a painful history of fallibility can be as hard as accepting there might not be the Jesus you were always told was in your heart. Many folks won’t even entertain the discussion.

Our denial is killing our democracy.

We stuck our fingers in our ears about Florida in 2000 and Ohio in 2004. As a result, Ken Blackwell will get away with the same crimes this year.

Should we be shocked that Diebold machines will be used again this fall and almost certainly in 2008, even though a Johns Hopkins comp sci professor has analyzed the software and believes it can be rigged to favor one candidate over another? Not at all; when the Diebold CEO said before the 2004 election “I am committed to helping Ohio deliver its electoral votes to the president,” he was practically taunting Americans over their ignorance.

Of course, historically, several elections in this country have been fraudulent. But do most Americans know this? If they were presented the data, would they believe it? Nah. We’re the heroes of democratic freedom. That kind of crime happens elsewhere.

We’ve been backhanded across the face by overwhelming evidence of electoral fraud at the highest levels, and the country treats it like a delicate breeze. Consequently, it will happen again. And I cannot bring myself to be proud of it.

Our denial is killing other people.

John Jay said in Federalist No. 4:

But the safety of the people of America against dangers from foreign force depends not only on their forbearing to give just causes of war to other nations, but also on their placing and continuing themselves in such a situation as not to invite hostility or insult; for it need not be observed that there are pretended as well as just causes of war.

We have engaged ourselves in unjust war for reasons that have been proven to be pretended. We threaten Iran and North Korea with more. And while most Americans have now turned on the President for the handling of Iraq, those same people were frightenly easy to sway into supporting evil. Today the NYT implies an apology for buying in with the rest of the lot. This does not excuse their ignorance over our own history.

While we haven’t undertaken anything of Iraqi proportions in our past, a little research into American occupation of the Phillipines, or the half-dozen times we meddled in Nicaragua over the last century (including a 20-year occupation and the Contra affair we’ve already forgotten), or our ghastly coup d’etat in Guatemala might have suggested that we don’t always do the right thing abroad. Healthy suspicion and skepticism should be the calling cards of every media member. Instead, we have a fourth estate of chest-thumping patriots who still believe we are a righteous force of democracy. Maybe that’s because they’re just as brainwashed as the rest of America, or maybe that’s because they know that’s their target demographic. Either way, I cannot bring myself to be proud of it.

John Jay was right about our safety being dependent on just causes for war. By taking foreign lands for selfish reasons, we will create far more terrorism then we stop. Without just cause, we are the trespassers, and there will be many who seek retribution for our misdeeds. Our denial got us into this mess, and it’ll be responsible for future deaths abroad and at home.

We pretend not to listen when the world and its scientists tell us we are responsible for global warming. We ignore the very real need for a revamped national health care system because it’s supposedly unamerican to hand out help for free. We let companies take the freedom of the internet away from us because we’re told it’s all part of the game of American economics and politics. And we let our government spy, torture, and kill unfairly because our citizens refuse to look down at our bloody hands.

To me, pride is a response to something or someone reaching its potential, or at least trying to do so the right way. And, unfortunately, as good as it is to be an American, we have a long way to go to reach our summit. Lately, we’ve been trying to get there by moonwalking blindfolded.

Pardon me if I hide my sparkly-gloved hand in shame.

04.07.2006 Filtered Propaganda, Fucking Holidays, Historical Wankery, Politics 4 Comments

It’s begining to look a lot like X-mas

Tuesday, June 6th, 2006

There are two kinds of people thinking about Christmas right now. Those who have massive holiday advertising campaigns to think of, and those who would like to bitch about said campaigns.

Don’t let the anti-Christmas crowd kick Christ out of Christmas this year

Companies are now working on their Christmas promotions. Let them hear from you today.
…
Remember last Christmas when many national retailers banned the use of Merry Christmas and allowed only the use of Season’s Greetings or Happy Holidays or even winter holidays? Remember how some stores did not allow their employees to say “Merry Christmas” to their customers? Remember how Christmas trees were called Holiday trees?

Remember when Mall Santa was replaced by a ginormous fuzzy dreidel with googly eyes and your children got all confused and some of them had nightmares? Wasn’t that sweet?

But I dunno, I’m still trying to catch my breath after the War on Easter. I’m not sure I have it in me for a six-month defense of Christmas. You know how it is, every year they start it earlier and by the time the Holiday Diversity Elf comes through the screen door bearing nondenominational gifts, you’re just fuckin’ sick of it.

There are companies which don’t want to offend a small handful of their customers by mentioning Christmas because Christmas celebrates the birth of Christ. However, they don’t mind offending Christians by refusing to use the term Christmas.

Well, at least they’ve internalized the message that bitching to the low-level customer service clerk in November wasn’t going to do a damn thing. Or am I being foolishly optimistic?

Unfortunetly, they don’t let you type your own text into the petition, so I shan’t be signing it. Instead, here’s what they’d send in my name:

Dear National Retailer,

I wanted to let you know in June that any company which bans the term Christmas from their advertising and promotion will not be getting my business this coming Christmas season.

I ask that you not ban “Christmas” in your advertising and promotions.

I look forward with the hopes you will honor my request.

Sincerely,

[A. Douchebag who Probably Doesn't Spend As Much As S/he Thinks.]

You know, some big retailer should do a little experiment. Take a random sampling of your stores and divide them into three groups. The first group should cram Christmas, The Festival of Lights (We are not going to attempt to spell it) and Kwanzaa down our throats. The second should only recognize the holidays with the sales, no decorations, no music, no nothing. The third can split the difference. What we need to know here is which group is larger-the rabid culture war fanatics who need to see their religion victorious at every turn, or the harried Every Shopper who might enjoy just 10 fucking minutes in December not getting Christmas carols, tacky decorations, or general cheer shoved up their ass. Then, who spends more? Only then will a clear victor emerge.

06.06.2006 Fucking Holidays, Godbaggery, Wingnuts No Comments

Happy Mother’s Day, A Day Late

Monday, May 15th, 2006

On Friday I went out for drinks with my coworker Carla. Carla is a lifelong resident of Methtown, and grew up on a farm on the outskirts of the area, a farm run by her grandparents that she fondly refers to as “Second Chance Farms” for her grandparents’ willingness to take in all sorts of creatures, people and animals alike, who were on their last legs. As we drank we shared our life stories, and the conversation eventually came around to her parents’ relationship.

I have met Carla’s mother before, and was surprised to find that she is a college graduate as Carla told me. Her mother today is uncomfortably childlike for a woman in her sixties, and I was unsurprised to find that she used to be a long-term client for one of our best therapists in the clinic. Carla continued with her story, explaining the role of her father in the house and the abuse that her mother suffered at the hands of her father. Carla ended up in the care of her granparents after her parents’ divorce because her mother was no longer capable of raising three children. Carla fought it every step and ended up one of the nicest and thoughtful people I’ve ever met. In short, Carla’s mother was institutionalized on three separate occasions on account of her “spells” in no small part due to her father, who was physically and emotionally abusive. Carla recalled on many occasions that her grandparents, of the second chances, knowing no better, would accuse her mother of “not getting marriage right” despite her mother’s attempts to keep the house immaculate and make miracles of pennies.

15.05.2006 Fucking Holidays, Violence 1 Comment