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With the dust-up over CleanFlicks no longer being allowed to remove the offending elements of a film for fundie consumption, TBogg now reports that some wingnuts are demanding conservo-drones make more movies themselves.

I couldn’t agree more. For too long, conservatives have had to suffer the blight of filmic oppression.

Why, just imagine if someone were free to make a movie about Jesus, and tell it like it really was, with all the blood and gore and cinematic lighting and anti-Semitism. That movie needs to be made, but the radleft establishment won’t let it happen.

Even if it did get made, the film would be crucified by all those mean old Hollywood Jewish folks.

But forget Jesus for a second (you can leave him in your heart, though).

Can’t we get a good war movie in the theaters, something that shows soldiers fighting nobly instead of all those flicks about civilian rapes and massacres spilling out of the multiplexes? Just once I’d like to see something uplifting, maybe about a lost solider who’s brought home to his mom against all odds because his brothers are dead. We need more gee-whiz fightin’ flicks like that. But those LA snobs would rather shoot up the heroin with hookers than produce uplifting war movies, so good luck making one.

It doesn’t have to be aw-shucks all the time, though. Conservatives have a dark side, too. Oh, sure, we libs like to worship our Satan and use contraception all willy-nilly, but the wingnuts can go even darker. Someday, if they can ever throw off the shackles of artistic discrimination, just maybe they’ll get the chance to show us their secret fantasies, something about Armageddon, or how 2 days from now the world will end. That’d keep your kids up nights, and maybe teach them to straighten up and be ready for salvation.

Eh, that’s a pipe dream, unfortunately. Even if the wingnuts tricked the studios into making those movies, they’d flop. The American public is too brainwashed to want to see anything other than anti-war speeches and tits.

The only way it’s going to work is to take the CleanFlicks route: make a movie about the kinds of things liberal Hollywood loves but clean them up the Republican way. I know making a movie seems an impossible task, because the list of things you need includes all of the following:
1) money

And where can the right in America find any of that?

Assuming we someday solve the conservative financial crisis, though, I’d like to pitch 3 movies under the CleanFlicks production banner:

The Godfather’s Father
Vito Calzone is an evil mob boss. He’s so vicious he adopts good Irish boys and twists them into monsters that decapitate horses for fun. Fortunately, his war-hero son arrives home and becomes Godfather to his sister’s baby. The son uses his character-building experience in the military and his renewed interest in Catholicism to show his father the error of his ways. Maybe in the sequel they could open a soup kitchen in Vegas.

Trading Places 2006
Dan Ackroyd and Eddie Murphy star in a swap of hilarious proportions. Rich off affirmative action, Eddie Murphy lives the life of privilege. Working WASP Ackroyd can’t catch a break in this life… until Eddie’s malt-liquor-loving uncles get bored and decide to play the old switcheroo with them. Of course, once they meet a nice, upstanding white fellow, the drunk uncles realize the money and power’s been going to all the wrong places. They decide to keep Ackroyd as their wealthy heir and let Murphy rot in hell where he belongs. Fun for the whole family!

Election… For Real
Pff. Girls can’t win elections. And if you aren’t cheating, you aren’t trying. The dumb jock wins and the teacher who f***ed the system becomes principal.

I look forward to receiving my preproduction checks at your earliest convenience.