when the status quo frustrates.

Bitch: Business Travel

Friday, July 18th, 2008

I’m ba-aaack!

(It’s possible nobody noticed I was gone…but in case anybody DID–)

In the past year or so I have gone on many, many, many business trips. Oh, to think that there was a time when I thought that business travel was probably Glamorous and Exciting and You Get To See Lots of Cool Places on the Company Dime!!

Well, it ain’t, it ain’t and you don’t.

There are two kinds of business travel. There’s the kind where you are going to a conference or a seminar or a training course as a recipient of knowledge only, which is actually a blast. This is because all that is required of you is to show up someplace for roughly the normal equivalent of a typical work day, absorb whatever you are there to absorb during that time frame, then party like a beast into the wee hours. I had a trip like that to Montreal early last year. I actually didn’t anticipate it being as fun as it was–I knew I’d have plenty of time to explore the city ’cause it was a four-day seminar from 8 am to 4 pm each day, but I was the only person not just from my job site, but from my entire company attending, and a quick check of the folks I know from surrounding companies didn’t reveal anybody else from them that I might know enough to pal around with either. However, by the end of the first day I had fallen in with a group of folks in my general age range from various other companies and, heh. Montreal is a fun city…the first night we went out, we were out til 11 pm and I was kinda tired the next day and so was everyone else and we swore we wouldn’t do THAT again…so of course the next night we stayed out til 1 am and we REALLY swore, ya know, tomorrow night is the last night before the final day of the seminar so we will be good TOMORROW night..!

Yeah, we stayed out til 3 am. Oh well…

However, this kind of trip comprises the definite minority of my business trips. Mostly, I am there to work, and when that is the case, the days are usually at least twelve hours long and even after they are over, you have so much follow-up-and-preparatory work still to do that you have to go straight to your hotel room and spend another three hours on the faithful laptop. So in spite of the fact that I subsequently traveled to Chicago, Indianapolis (okay, we can probably skip over Indianapolis as a potential fun spot anyway–sorry to anyone who lives there, please don’t take offense!), New York, Helsinki, Los Angeles, Stockholm, Quebec City and Philadelphia, I did not really have too much in the way of F-U-N. Read, practically NONE, bleh! My company got its money’s worth outta me, let’s put it that way.

(Now, I do have another seminar later this year in Puerto Rico–finally, I’m travelling in the right direction as we head into wintertime instead of as close as possible to the freaking Arctic Circle like usual!! I am a presenter, not just an attendee–the organization sponsoring the seminar invited me and are going to pay for all my travel and other expenses based on a process I’m publishing in a peer-reviewed journal with my company that I developed to–er, do something. Sigh. Stupid confidentiality agreements…oh well, if you don’t work in biotech a description would probably range for you from boring to incomprehensible anyway. But the seminar is Wednesday and Thursday, deliberately designed they told me so that attendees could stay over the weekend…bliss! I am allowing myself to hope.)

This week’s business trip was of the usual variety, however. Flew out to LA Wednesday, trapped on the job site during all beautiful beach hours, just flew back in last night on the redeye and was a total effed-up mess this morning. Which really sucks because I took vacation today and Monday so I could go to the beach here and nope, I did not make it out the door this morning. Oh well, at least I didn’t have to drive from the airport straight into work either, and didn’t have to take a vacation day–travelled from midnight to 9:30 am this morning, which my boss is willing to concede counts as a full work day. So there. A small consolation, but it is my own. And our travel agency got confused and put me in an “Economy Plus” seat right behind the First Class section on the return flight instead of the usual crap seat in the dead back of the plane so EVEN THOUGH our plane had unspecified electrical problems that kept us at the departure gate for an hour and a half after we were supposed to take off, it coulda been way worse.

Anyway, in my bountiful spare time on this plane and many others, I have been compiling a running list of thoughts, advice and complaints that I feel like sharing. Also, it’s a painless way to solicit advice from any other frequent fliers out there that might wanna share some happy tips on making business travel life more like people THINK it is rather than the way it ACTUALLY usually turns out–hook me up! :)

Long Plane Flights:

1. They suck.

2. Don’t wear socks; your ankles swell up like balloons sitting in a fixed position at high altitude for hours.

3. Do business class or even the new “economy plus” if you possibly can, unless you enjoy seeing how long you can sit with your knees jammed into your chin. Do not ever fly JetBlue. I am five feet eight inches tall and one hundred thirty-five pounds, which makes me a very average size for an American person, and I was physically unable to sit facing forward in their standard seat because my knees would not fit behind the seat in front of me and the seatbelt prongs dug into both sides of my butt.

4. When making transoceanic flights, do not leave the business class TV screen tuned to the picture of the plane going over the ocean. It may seem cool at first, but after you discover that intervals of three hours at a time don’t appear to change the plane’s position over the endless blank blue appreciably you start to lose it a little.

5. Make a big hairy deal to yourself out of trips to the bathroom with the toiletries kit they give you.

6. Accept in advance that there will be a screamy poopy nauseated baby within fifteen feet of you on any flight you are on that lasts more than three hours, especially any flight you plan on sleeping during.

7. There is no law that says you have to talk to large stinky older men sitting next to you, even if they keep trying.

8. Pay absolutely no attention to anything the pilot says, especially about “turbulence” or “mechanical problems.” Seriously, what can you do about it?

9. Accept that if you try to alleviate the paralyzing boredom of the flight by eating everything they offer you in business class, you will gain at least five pounds by the time you return home and you will suffer indigestion on the plane and also, it won’t taste very good.

10. Whatever you do, do not miss your scheduled flight, as any replacement flight will be twice as long, require at least twice as many plane transfers and will have layovers of either less than one hour (especially for international flights) or more than four hours (especially for domestic flights).

11. Believe that customs and baggage officials couldn’t care less about the quality of your life personally.

18.07.2008 Punkass!, Advice, Uncategorized, Work 6 Comments

Trust Me When I Tell You Which Guy You Want To Run Your Country.

Thursday, July 3rd, 2008

If you are not familiar with craps, it is a game played with dice, and the important thing to know about it is that you cannot win at it unless you figure out some way to control how you throw the dice…ie, you cheat. You CANNOT win by playing by the rules. It is a mathematical impossibility.

You can, however, win at poker, to the point where some people actually play it as a full-time job.

Craps requires that you throw dice, can count up to twelve and add single-digit numbers in your head up to a total of twelve. You don’t need to know anything else; you can if you wish control your rate of loss by learning the odds of the various bet types and rolls, but as you’re going to lose repeatedly no matter what, it doesn’t really matter if you do or not.

Poker requires that you learn how many cards are in a standard playing deck, what suits those cards are, what the non-numerical cards mean and how they are ranked, what the different poker hands are and how they are ranked, just to play a single hand. If you want to win, you must then learn the statistical probabilities of each hand, modified by how many players are in the game; what the various positions at the table mean in terms of increasing or decreasing your odds, and how to calculate the odds of your hand winning versus how much of your bet it requires to win the entire table of bets. This is more math than most people exercise during their adult lives already.

So, think about the kind of person who would get hooked on craps–a mindless low-skill game where you are guaranteed to lose–versus the kind of person who would get hooked on poker–a psychologically and mathematically complex game where if you’re willing to work at it you’re guaranteed to win.

Or:

“Enjoying craps opens up a window on a central thread constant in John’s life,” says John Weaver, McCain’s former chief strategist, who followed him to many a casino. “Taking a chance, playing against the odds.”

Or:

[Obama] always had his head in the game. The stakes were low enough — $1 ante and $3 top raise — to afford a long shot. Not Obama. He studied the cards as closely as he would an eleventh-hour amendment to a bill. The odds were religion to him. Only rarely did he bluff. “He had a pretty good idea about what his chances were,” says Denny Jacobs, a former state senator from East Moline.

And:

McCain’s campaign, like his life, has been marked by its embrace of living dangerously and by clear runs of fortune and disappointment. Obama, meanwhile, has succeeded, no less remarkably, by diligently executing a premeditated strategy.

Thanks, Time Magazine!

Think “delicate international situation.” Think “perilous economic balance.” Think–

Let’s go Obaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaama ’08!

03.07.2008 A million ways to mortgage the future, Advice, McCainery, Obamarama, Poker, Politics, Remember November 3 Comments

…and now, some GOOD news

Wednesday, June 25th, 2008

From the best of all possible worlds.

Funny how getting good news — even when it’s completely fabricated — can make you feel so… well… good.

25.06.2008 Punkass!, Advice, Art, Asides, Brilliant Ideas, Media 3 Comments

But they don’t like it when…

Tuesday, June 17th, 2008

Over at Hugo’s place, there is this truly excellent post on rape and consent. Really, everyone should go over there and read it. But, this post is not about rape, this post is about a theme that started to develop in the comments, about clearly communicating desires and wants.

More than once, I’ve had a female friend bemoan the fact that a guy she likes will not call, or does not initiate physical intimacy when she wants to go further. The only thing this is surpassed by is guys who are afraid of calling, or initiating physical intimiacy because they aren’t sure if that’s what they really want. I tend to respond with (what I think is) perfectly rational response of “why don’t you ask them”. And, almost inevitably, the girls will come back with “guys don’t like it when you initiate” and the guys will come back with “girls don’t like to be asked”.

This frustrates me to no end. Seriously, this is a frequent problem with a ridiculously simple solution: clearly communicate what your desire is, ask what their desire is, and accept the consequences. It is true that there are going to be guys that don’t like it when you initiate, but in my experience, most guys are grateful that you took the pressure off. And for me at least, this is it’s own litmus test: if you would have dated me, but you needed me to wait for you to ask,demonstrating a weird enamorment with gender roles, than we would not have had a very productive or easy relationship. Yes, this does mean that you may get rejected. Truly, it isn’t the end of the world.

For the guys, if asking is enough to kill the mood, that mood was pretty fragile to begin with. The consequence will be that you don’t get to have sex at that moment*. I’m not asking for a formal legal request: more like simple things such as “Is this okay?” It can be done seductively, trust me. If you are interpretting body language, than for the love of godless, actually KNOW how to interpret body language. A passive body and a “yeah, I guess” is not really a yes.

The flip side of this is also that men and women have to work to get rid of their own internalized gender roles. Women, you have to get over the idea that you are a slut if you actually want to initiate sex (guys, do not think of girls if they want to initiate sex). Accept it, embrace it, and take responsibility for it: if the guys asks “is this okay?” and it’s okay, say “it’s okay”. Don’t hide behind this, responsibility-shifting “taken in the moment” BS. Guys, if you dislike that you have to initiate, and you never seem to know what a girl is thinking, then don’t be weirded out when they do take the initiative, and ASK THEM what they are thinking. Don’t assume that they’ll lie, just be honest. (Women, be honest).

I realize that gendered roles are hard to get over, and quite frankly, it may be slow going for some. But, it takes it feeling awkward for a while for it to feel normal, and it takes a bunch of people to do it for it to be normal for society. The gains are that we get to be people, not pawns in an interpersonal game. (And good sex around).

* I truly don’t mean to minimize this. When you want to get laid, it sucks when you can’t, and masturbation sometimes just isn’t what you want. (My husband is a airline pilot. TRUST ME, I know). But just because you’re horny, doesn’t mean that you should try to violate someone else’s autonomy.

17.06.2008 Punkass!, Advice 7 Comments

Blogging While Maternal

Friday, June 6th, 2008

Photobucket
Their secret identities are still safe.

As anyone who’s been reading my posts for a while now knows, I am a mommy. S’matter of fact, I’ve been one for like 10,000 years now–okay, not really. It just FEELS that way. Sometimes!

I haven’t blogged overly much about the offspring for the following reasons: (1) One’s own children are of course always deeply fascinating topics of contemplation, discussion and analysis, but other people’s generally aren’t, (2) I am used to compartmentalizing my maternity into an absolutely personal and familial mode, and therefore don’t really feel the pressing need to blog about it here (or discuss it at work or at social occasions with childless acquaintances or in any other setting where children are not the primary focus) and (3) violating my kids’ privacy makes me cringe.

Oooh, what was that? Children should have privacy?

(more…)

06.06.2008 Advice, Family 2 Comments

Things I learned from Utah Phillips

Tuesday, June 3rd, 2008

As some of you may know, Utah Phillips, the great storyteller, musician, hobo, and Wobbly, passed away last weekend. I posted a bit about him here, but since then, the tributes from friends and Fellow Workers have been pouring in, and I thought I’d share one of the more inspiring with the PunkAss crew.

This is from Len Wallace, a pretty awesome musician in his own right. I disagree with the first one, but there you have it.

The Things I Learned From Utah Phillips
I am still stunned by the news of Utah’s passing and figuring out ways on how to respond to this loss. So I thought I’d take pen in hand and jot down some of things Utah taught me over the years. Here they are transferred to computer.
1. Utah was correct. Computers suck. They rob you of the ability to write and read.
2. Mean people suck. Nice people can suck too sometimes.
3. Bertold Brecht had the right idea when he said that the barrier between the performer and audience must be abolished.
4. When you’re performing with other musicians adjust your microphone stands at an angle where you can see both the audience and the other performer. You want to work off that other performer, see them perform and look them in the face, see their movements and hands. It’s not all in the listening.
5. You can drink out of your hat if you must, but only by necessity.
6. The past and remembering the past is a very subversive thing. It points to the not now. The powers that be want us to think that the way things are are the way they have always been and always will be.
7. Be careful of the garp you put in your brain from reading newspapers, listening to radio and watching TV. If you stuff your brain with garbage then garbage will come out.
8. You can teach an old dog new tricks but the old tricks are still the best.
9. Old age and treachery will always overcome youth and passion.
10. You too can be a part of the hidden agenda.
(more…)

03.06.2008 Advice, Music, sharing the awesome 3 Comments

Actions Should Match our Words (And Words Should Match our Actions)

Thursday, May 8th, 2008

Something has been bothering me lately, within the feminist blogsphere. Feminism is about equality between the genders, and by extension equality between all peoples. We routinely bemoan the treatment women get in the rest of the world, and (rightfully) call out allies and enemies for using sexist, racist, homophobic, transphobic, and fatphobic frames and insults (calling Ann Coulter a trannie for instance). No, this is not going to be another post about white feminists and women of color feminists (that topic has been discussed by far smarter voices than I). This instead will be a “What about the Menz” post that generally I hate.
I’ve noticed in that in certain threads, (such as this one at Shakesville) there seems to be a pattern. Regulars start to talk about the various points in the case, and we use our general knowledge to put forth a greater understanding of the case, with a lot of people chiming in the make a funny comment or a general statement of agreement. So far, so good; but then a troll will come in to make some sort of ridiculous statement (women lie about rape for instance). People will jump all over him/her, and trolly will come back with increasingly ridiculous statements. All of this is fine (except now we are all off the original topic of conversation, instead playing a fun-but-unproductive game of taunt-the-troll), but what tends to come next is the part that I object to most strongly to. Someone, and probably more than one someone, will start to question the trolls penis-size, sexual prowess, or general odds of getting laid.
Feminist object to the language of the virgin-whore dichotomy, which treats sexual women as disposable, and puts ridiculous, contradictory standards on those who happen to fall on the virgin side. We object to the sexual double standard that declares sexual women sluts and sexual men as studs. But, if we want to demonstrate true commitment to these obscenely harmful sexual standards, we need to stop using them in our framing of insults. Sexual prowess is not a sign of intelligence, maturity, or worth. Penis size does not have anything to do with character, or insecurity: a man could be insecure and truly have a “monster cock”*, or be a confident individual with a less-than-average sized one. And while true that one might assume that demonstration of idiotic tendencies would reduce one’s odds of getting and sustaining a long-term relationship, we all know that it is not necessarily so.
I know, generally, that feminists all know this to be true. I know that comments about alleged penis size are designed to insult them on their own framework, for more a stinging factor. But these trolls would probably not like to be called “gay” either, and feminists refrain from using that framework out of an effort to not feed homophobia. We should follow the same logic when using sexual-based slurs: and not fall into their trap. We lose credibility when we do; and MRAs will pounce on it. We actually do have to show a commitment to gender equality, and it starts with what we say about men.**

*As a funny aside, I still giggle that someone used that unironically on feminist thread.
** I am not perfect at this either. When someone continues to profess their supposed sexual prowess, I’m tempted to think they are seriously trying to compensate. But while the low blow is the easy strike, we need to avoid it like the plague.

08.05.2008 Punkass!, Advice, Dudes 11 Comments

Need some advice

Saturday, January 19th, 2008

I’m off to Europe this summer to spend 3 weeks apiece in two different countries doing some sciency type things. I have about four months to reach a level of fluency in two different languages that will allow me to identify food, find bathrooms, and use public transportation with a minimum of tears. These are not overly common languages (Portuguese and Hungarian), so I won’t be finding private lessons in my area any time soon. Does anyone have any recommendations for language learning software or CDs?

19.01.2008 Advice 9 Comments

Bags

Saturday, November 10th, 2007

I just returned from a trip to the grocery store, where the purchase of a half a chicken breast, a tube of toothpaste, a half pint of cream, some pantyhose, a package of tortillas, and a bag of pre-shredded cheese resulted in the acquisition of four plastic grocery bags, plus the plastic bag around the chicken that the butcher provided.

It’s probably time to bring my own damn bags. Any recommendations? I’d also be interested in getting sacks suitable for bulk sugar or vegetables.

10.11.2007 Advice 17 Comments

Need a chili recipe

Wednesday, August 22nd, 2007

I took the written part of my candidacy exam yesterday and tomorrow’s the oral*. Next week I find out if I did OK or not. Advice has ranged from “OMG!111!! Red alert!” to “Did you write something down for every question? Then you passed.” So who knows?

Anyway, my program is chock full of supportive people, almost a dozen of which helped us prepare by giving us a three hour interrogation last week. I invited them all over for a thank you dinner and now I need to decide what to make. I was thinking vegetarian chili, rye bread, cheesy potatoes and cupcakes.

Anyone got any good vegetarian chili recipes? I have a large Crockpot and access to a grocery store.

*Not as sexy as it sounds, although if it was then at least I’d be sure I could pass.

22.08.2007 Advice, Asides 14 Comments

Men’s Health wants to see you poor and alone

Sunday, February 4th, 2007

Have you been reading Men’s Health online content for weeks, if not months, treating their words though they were the bible and scrupulously following every inane lifestyle suggestion? I know. Me too. Yet, I still find myself occassionally not sitting alone and in the dark, abandoned by all who loathe my vapid mind and compulsive need to quote movies.

Perhaps a zany money-making scheme is an order. And if the schemes are listed in the form of a list, of course MSN will snap that sucker right up.

The Instant Entrepreneur
We’ve whipped up six businesses you can start with as little as $100 in seed money. Next stop: the Ferrari dealership.

I have a hundred dollars, and could totally use a Ferrari. Show me how to live the American Dream.

Internet T-Shirt Store
You’ll use zeitgeist-surfing slogans to sell shirts online.

Startup costs: About $300. Let turnkey companies like cafepress.com handle ordering and printing, says Rodney Blackwell, who runs t-shirtcountdown.com.

I like this one, because all of my fellow graduate students know that they have a spot in my soon-to-be-lucrative garage t-shirt making business after we all fail exams in August. Of course, in my fantasy, at least I have a couple of silk-screen printing stations in my garage after the whole lame-ass idea goes bust. Rodney would deny me even that. And a quick glance at t-shirtcountdown suggests that the world has little need for more offensive t-shirt makers. How many “I’m the 14 year old girl you cyber with” t-shirts does one society need?

Alas, we already have a threadless, and if I can’t be that awesome I don’t want to do it at all. Next!

Digital Photo Scanning
You’ll rescue dusty-but-priceless photos from shoebox purgatory.

Odds of making money: Very good. You’ll break even if you scan 800 photos at 25 cents each. “It’s a no-brainer,” says Mark Cuban, owner of the Dallas Mavericks and a successful entrepreneur. “Your friends and family are built-in customers.”

800 photos at a quarter a piece times 30 seconds to scan plus 1 to five minutes to touch up the photos using my stolen copy of photoshop that is nowhere on your start-up cost list and I’m still bored out of my mind with this crappy, low-return nickel and dime job. At that price, it would take over half a million pictures to get that Ferrari you’re dangling in front of my face, assuming that someone else is paying for my food, shelter, taxes and electricity. Ok, fuck that one as well.

Garage-Sale Surfing
You’ll convert hidden gems into cold, hard eBay cash.

You’ve got to be fucking kidding. Next!

Blog Or Online Forum
You’ll channel a passion — tennis, Star Wars — and build traffic until ads roll in.

Startup costs: $160 for forum software like Bulletin; $60 a month for service.

Odds of making money: Excellent. You’ll know quickly if you’re not attracting eyeballs, so you can ditch fees before they add up. The key: Choose a fresh topic, says Chris Leckness, who runs seven sites. Then self-promote with e-mail blasts to other bloggers or postings in related forums.

Ok, this one is for real. However, I have only enough energy to help generate content for one site, and while it is a lucrative one punkassblog doesn’t provide enough money for me to both fill my Olympic-sized money pool AND buy a sports car. Since I refuse to cut into my swimming time and I don’t have enough time to blog for two sites, this is also out.

Although we haven’t been doing too much spamming. Perhaps if I dedicate more time to blogwhoring, I can get that Ferrari yet. Everyone pays attention to a blogwhore.

Board-Game Creation
You’ll make your own fun.

We are now at the point of the list where the return-on-investment becomes less certain than that of blogging. Only one money-making scheme could be more ridiculous:

Documentary Making
You’ll score funding support from art-friendly investors.

Startup costs: Nothing, if you create a legal company and issue shares, advises Amy Sewell, writer/producer of Mad Hot Ballroom, which scored a $3 million advance from Paramount Classics. If it bombs, investors can write off the loss.

Be sure to helpfully point out that “writing off the loss” thing to potential investors, especially if the investors are your family who are wondering if they’re ever going to get their fucking photos back anytime this century. It shows planning and confidence. Also, be sure to seperate your friends and family into two groups: those you will ask for money and those whom you will ask for volunteer crew work. Trust me on that one.

04.02.2007 Punkass!, Advice, Brilliant Ideas, Moola 11 Comments

The Zinczenko Translation Handbook, Part II

Wednesday, January 31st, 2007

Yesterday we continued our weeklong worship of the powerful insights into the psyche of emotionally crippled men offered by Men’s Health dimbulb David Zinczenko. Among other things, Zinczenko celebrated the charming tendency of guys like him to hide behind movie quotes as a way to express their “feelings” without entering the danger-zone of originality vulnerability.


Still an asshat.

But beware. The obvious interpretations of these quotations may not reflect the speaker’s actual intent. The followers of Zinczenkoism are shivering at the shallow end of the emotional pool, and only from that perspective can we ascertain the subtler meanings of their mimicry.

There’s no quote list less cool than the AFI’s Top 100 Movie Quotes of All-Time, and any true feelings plaguerist will likely borrow from it liberally. Today we cover the remaining 49 quotes in…

The Zinczenko Translation Handbook, Part II

Obvious and subtle interpretations of the lines abused by feeling-impaired male quote addicts

(more…)

31.01.2007 Advice, Movies, Mutterings Of The Disturbed 11 Comments

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