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Dear diary,

Last night was the wildest freaking night ever, man. I was at Aaron’s party, and maybe I’d had a few too many, but whatever — I was feeling good, and I knew that in my boot-cuts and tight shirt, I was looking good, too.

The place was packed, and without realizing it, me and my buddy Mike had slowly gravitated towards the center of the room. The music was pretty loud, so we had to lean in real close to talk, and whenever a girl would walk by, she’d make some lewd joke about us looking like we were together. We acted annoyed, but we had to admit it was pretty funny.

I wish I could remember how it started (and if I did, it would probably involve the words “Jagr” and “meister”) but at some point we hit a critical mass, and the girls who were just making little comments before were now suddenly circling around us and calling for us to make out. Now, I’ve *never* thought of myself as gay or even bi, but like I said, I was feeling pretty saucy. I told Mike that we’d never get out of here without giving them at least a little show, and that’s when I lifted up his shirt and licked his nipple. Oh damn, were they hootin’ and hollerin’! The ladies started chanting “More! More! More!” and when I looked in Mike’s face, I could see he was a little flushed. Heck, he was turned on!

Well, that was it. Before we knew what hit us, we were both on the floor, naked as the day we were born, and smooching up a storm. Then Mike got this wicked gleam in his eye and slid down to my crotch. Boom! Just like that he was deep throating the cuss out of me. Felt damn good, too; guess if you have the pipes you know how to drain ‘em. As I was loving every minute of the attention, I noticed that the girls all around us were completely lost in lust. Lots of them had their hands down their pants going to town and everything; it was so sexy. To give them a real show, I flipped Mike on his back and started working him myself. I even went two knuckles deep in his butt!

I have no idea how long we were going at it, but it all climaxed with Mike’s girlfriend Darleen coming over and saying she had to get a piece of this hot action. She rode each of us like dogs, and man was it hot. The gals at the party cheered her on until both of us guys were coated in her love juices. I think I passed out after that.

I’m sort of embarrassed now, but I also feel closer to Mike than ever. If he and Darleen are ever up for another roll in the hay, they can count me in.

——

From Tanya Enberg in the Edmonton Sun yesterday:

If you’re a straight gal with considerable dating experience, you’re likely already well versed in the straight guy’s subtle — and not so subtle — approach to playing the menage a trois card.

You know the drill: He primes you with questions like, “Have you ever had a threesome?” or “Have you ever been with woman?”

He’s feeling you out, and his hopeful optimism is so potent it’s palpable.

If you answer “yes” and “yes,” he’s struck gold in the heterosexual guy’s fantasy jackpot.

Any explanation beyond this revelation (“I was totally inebriated,” “Just experimenting in college,” or “I’d never do it again”) isn’t being processed.

He’s already tuned you out.

All he’s thinking is ‘Cool! She’s been with a chick!’

In his mind, there’s a chance you’ll do it again.

He’s gripped onto this new information like a pit bull with a juicy rib eye, has promptly slapped on his director’s hat, cast himself in the role of “lead stud,” and is already crafting up a heated story line of you getting busy with another woman.

Notice that these titillating three-way scenarios rarely involve bringing in another guy?

If a dude ever denies there’s a patriarchy, feel free to remind him of all of this.