PunkAssBlog.com

Today one of my students attacked me. He’s only six years old, so he couldn’t do any real damage, though he did leave a couple of satisfactorily bloody scratches on the side of my face. Funnily enough, I remember thinking earlier in the lesson, “That kid needs to cut his nails.”

I really wish I could share more details. The incident gave me some thoughts about working with children that I wish I could get out in the open. But I’ve signed a confidentiality agreement with my company, I’m not using a pseudonym here, and let’s put it this way: my boss is on Facebook, and he’s not afraid to use it.

After spending some extra time at work to deal with the aftershocks from the incident, I made it home. That’s when an earthquake measuring 6.9 on the Richter scale hit northern Japan. I was 350 miles south when it came, and it still felt pretty big to me.

Anybody else have an interesting day?

Hooray! It’s time for another edition of… STRAINED ANALOGIES!

You’re driving a truck full of your own loved ones– children, significant others, your mom, pets, and whoever else is important in your life– over a treacherous mountain road. You’re determined, at any cost, to get to the scenic village at the peak. Too dangerous for a family outing, everybody said? HA! You’ll show them. No backing down now.

Every tight corner features a thousand foot drop with no railing. At first you overcompensate by veering away from the edge, hugging the inner rock wall. You reconsider this tactic upon passing a low row of white scrapes along the wall, and then an outcropping where a pair of tire tracks bounce away into the void. The children’s eyes are saucers, and your mom’s lips are moving wildly as she beseeches her God in silent prayer. Even the pets are shitting themselves.

Your significant other clutches your forearm and speaks in hushed tones. “Listen, hon, let’s just slow down and turn around. We can just stay at that motor inn we saw at the base of the mountain, right?”

Ashamed of your selfishness, you realize that maybe that this trip wasn’t such a good idea after all. Just what were you trying to prove, anyway? You are just about to apply the brakes, when…

…your heart jerks in your chest… there is a massive shape in the road dead ahead, only yards away… time slows to a crawl… is that what it looks like?… YES, IT IS…

You are milliseconds away from colliding head on into an ELEPHANT and a DONKEY. Just sitting there, in the middle of this narrow mountain road. Who knows why they are there. Perhaps someone is filming a clever political ad. Does it really matter? The fact is, there they are. A donkey, an elephant, and the likely death you and everyone you love.

Moment of truth time. What is your reflexive response?

A. Swerve right and dive straight off the side of the mountain. Pretty much certain death for everyone, but at least you might have a fun ride for a few seconds on the way down.

B. Swerve left and take your chances with scraping the rock wall like the car whose tire tracks you noticed before. Thing is, there’s another left turn just ahead, so if you don’t regain control fast, you’ll dive off the mountain anyway. But come on, at least there’s a CHANCE of survival.

C. Aim to kill the animals by barreling straight into them, hoping that the impact of their destruction will stop the truck before it goes over the edge of the road. After all, there’s not only a donkey, there’s a frigging ELEPHANT in your way. Choose this way, and regardless if anybody is still actually remaining on the road at the end of it all, the highway will definitely be running with blood.

D. Take your hands off the wheel and shake your fist at the sky, screaming, “Quin, this stupid little story of yours sucks ass. What am I supposed to be gaining from it?” Now, now. Let’s try to be constructive. You can be petulant if you want, but that’s not going to save you and everyone you ever loved from horrible grisly ends, will it?