when the status quo frustrates.

Friday {X}, In Which McBoing Reveals He Is Not Dead, Only Wishes He Were

Thursday, September 21st, 2006

i. At one job I spend all day listening to how gay people are teh suck. At the other job I hear how gross it is to be Jewish, Mexican, and/or Negro. But we ain’t no bigots. We are the Eggman.

ii. Looking at two potential jobs. Both would pay me more. One is another temp gig at a place I could grow to like, the other is a big fatty secret with a big fatty paycheck. Which I probably won’t get.

iii. I fear that being required to show up at work every morning at 8am could be what is keeping me from more professional employment. 9am is a better fit for a burgeoning alcoholic-workaholic. The brown cow says, “And how!”

iv. New manager at Big Media Co. is changing the work shifts, leaving the temps with the worst hours, of course. No overtime, working weekends, training occurs on my “days off.”

v. With the new hours at Big Media Co. I will not be able to keep Job #2. I am not sad, but Sallie Mae sure is.

vi. My bank account wept when I told it the news.

vii. The conference room at Job #1 a) puts me to sleep or b) makes me sneeze.

viii. But no matter. All meetings are soon to be abolished. From now on, if we have a question about work protocol, we are to writer our supervisors an email and they will post an answer to our questions in a big white answer book which we are to read on our own time.

ix. One of my coworkers was fired this week when she said she couldn’t work Saturdays. I can count four people not including me who are presently looking for different jobs.

x. Really. Why don’t we get drunk and screw? Can I taste the Milky Way?

News for the Cynical

Monday, September 11th, 2006

Dude is surprised to find that women are less than charmed by his winning personality.

William Kaper is apparently unfamiliar with the Saturn test. Kaper, the Barrington attorney who made headlines by suing the ex-wife he’d hoped to re-marry in order to get back the $98,000 engagement ring he’d given her, says he was shocked — shocked! — by the raw materialism of the dozens of angry women who left nasty messages on his office phone last week.

“All of them disliked me,” he said, sounding just a little too sensitive for the aggressive litigator he actually is, “but none of them even knew me.”

The basic gist of the messages was that Kaper’s ex-wife was absolutely entitled to keep the five-carat diamond ring, even if they didn’t re-marry, as a kind of payment for spending time with him. This line of reasoning struck Kaper, who says he’s given his ex-wife lots of other expensive gifts over the years, as rather crass.

Bitches! You’re all bitches! You don’t even know me.

Brilliant Bigotry

Friday, September 8th, 2006

I just can’t wait to watch all these poor folks on Survivor represent — quite literally — their races and ethnicities for a national audience. Jeff Probst, I tell you, he’s a man of brilliance. Ground-breaking reality TV host.

Until “Survivor” host Jeff Probst sat in on casting sessions for the CBS reality series’s new edition, in which competitors were picked and put into “tribes” based on their ethnic background, he had not realized that “Asian” includes Japanese, Koreans and Chinese and that they do not necessarily like each other as a matter of ethnic solidarity.

Whites, on the other hand, are “mutts” and “don’t have any ethnicity to hang on to,” he told reporters on a phone conference call Wednesday.

“When you start talking to a person from Asia, you realize — Wow! They have all different backgrounds!” gushed Probst…

The other day, he told the reporters, he went to his dentist, who is white, and the dentist brought in another dentist, who is Asian. “And I found myself saying to the Asian doctor, ‘Where in Asia is your family from?’ ” The dentist said he was Korean. “The only reason I had the courage to even ask that question or the knowledge to ask that question was I’d just spent 39 days with people from Korea,” Probst said.

Yes, he really did.

Husband Shoots Chicken, Wife Shoots Husband

Thursday, September 7th, 2006

A woman was charged Tuesday for shooting her husband in the back after he shot her pet chicken, the Lane County Sheriff’s Office said.

You know what? If anyone shot my pet anything, you’re goddamned straight I’d shoot the fucker back.

Gobsmacked

Thursday, September 7th, 2006

Saturday, Job #2, 6pm

McBoing to Coworker: I’m fucking tired. I couldn’t sleep last night.

Coworker: Me too. I stayed up forever on my front porch watching the cops chase a nigger up a tree.

McBoing: (jaw drops) (glares at coworker) (says nothing like a fool)

8pm, Coworker drops the n-bomb again

McBoing:

Coworker: I really need to stop saying that word. It really cuts into my tips.

McBoing: One day you’re going to get your ass handed to you for that.

Coworker: Oh, really?

McBoing: Yeah. Really. And you’ll deserve it.

Coworker: I ain’t a racist or anything.

***

Someday I may get the guts to whale on this piece of shit myself instead of waiting for someone else to do it. In the meantime, I told the boss about this “conversation” — sorely lacking on my part, I realize — and the boss, an old friend, said that this coworker and others, all of whom insist they aren’t racist, managed to force a black man out of the job a few months back with cold words and underhanded strategies. The boss tried to keep him. I don’t blame him for leaving.

I’ve got more apps in the mail.

McBoing Gets a Visit From a Certain Special Fairy

Thursday, August 31st, 2006

I have a few computer-related pet peeves, and one of them are those history and favorites bars in IE. And IE. The first thing I did when I finally got my own work station was download Firefox and revel in my tabbed goodness. I like a large screen resolution, I want to cram as much information in front of my face as possible, and because I have to have so many windows that have to be open on the screen for actual work, I will not be assaulted by a fat extra bar in my browser.

Imagine my surprise when I get to my computer this morning and find IE glomming itself across the monitor. With the history bar open. Knowing that I certainly didn’t open this window, I clicked around.

Backseatbangers.com. In the history bar. On my computer. In IE. In the history bar, listed under Today.

I grabbed my supervisor. “Just so you know, I never use IE. But look at this.”

“Oh my god.” She seemed unfazed. The day before I caught her singing 2 Live Crew in her cubicle.

“I swear I just logged on.”

“Whoever went to that site certainly spent a lot of time there.”

“Sabotage?”

“Nah. Probably the cleaning crew.”

Frickity Frack

Tuesday, August 29th, 2006

Just lost a big fucking post. See you next week.

Appropriate

Tuesday, August 29th, 2006


QuizGalaxy!
‘What will your obituary say?’ at QuizGalaxy.com

Friday Random Ten – The “I Finally Ate, And Damn It was Good” Edition

Friday, August 25th, 2006

Went out to dinner last night and stuffed face: Sweet corn soup, crappy mixed greens, and wild mushroom ravioli. It hurt, but damn, was it good.

1) New Order – Age of Consent
2) Cyne – 400 Years
3) Wesley Willis – Rock n’ Roll McDonald’s
4) Steve Harvey and Cockney Rebel – Judy Teen
5) The Boomtown Rats – Lookin’ After Number 1
6) Wooden Wand – Bones for Doctor Swah
7) Howard Tate – Night Owl
8) Gogol Bordello – Future Kings
9) Penetration – Don’t Dictate
10) Blue Scholars – Evening Chai

Sunday Morning

Wednesday, August 23rd, 2006

VINELAND — A 48-year-old man woke up Sunday morning unable to remember how he got into bed, what happened the night before or where his pants went.

And Today I Learned The President and I Have Much in Common

Tuesday, August 22nd, 2006

Really.

He loves to cuss, gets a jolly when a mountain biker wipes out trying to keep up with him, and now we’re learning that the first frat boy loves flatulence jokes… But he’s still a funny, earthy guy who, for example, can’t get enough of fart jokes. He’s also known to cut a few for laughs, especially when greeting new young aides, but forget about getting people to gas about that.

Okay, so I don’t hate everything about him.

Non-Prostitution Post

Tuesday, August 22nd, 2006



You Are Duck


Exotic and unusual, you are a bit of a rare bird – literally.
You’re known for being soft and succulent, though at times you can be a bit greasy.

Gross.

List of ingested items that do not make me sick: vegetables, coffee, booze, Jell-o. My stomach loves me, my intestines are pissed off. Duck is a no-no.

In other news, someone out there is elated that I’m ill because it gives him the opportunity to rail against The Left.

To wit:

The defining characteristic of the people on your side is just so hilarious, that tremendous contrast between your grand plans to rearrange the whole society and your total inability to successfully manage even your own lives, making you helplessly drift from one personal crisis to another.

And I don’t even feel bad about laughing at this. Next to what you guys did during the twentieth century, killing about a hundred million people and condemning billions of others to live under a tyranny of poverty and misery that we can’t even imagine today, nothing that I could ever do would amount to much more than a bite of a flea.

Do note, dear sir, that I didn’t ask for a handout, I asked for an IV bag to rid myself of the bother so I can, you know, work. Isn’t that better than asking for free healthcare and food stamps? I personally took the Republican message to heart. I didn’t just get myself one job to pay the bills, man, I got two, and I’m patiently waiting these nine months to receive health care benefits for myself and my family while I work 14-16 hour days. I’m a Republican wet dream.

Marketable degree? Got it. Bootstraps? Got ‘em too. Favorable economy? That’s on you and yours, man, along with the black heart it takes to laugh at people with health problems. Compassion? I’ll give you a bit of mine. It appears you need it, dollface.