I’m Catholic.

Fap is about right, I thought during our AM meeting last week, when the big cat sauntered into the Big Media Co. conference room and told us how much we have to love our jobs, lest we lose them.

“I can hear how much you love your jobs in your voices, and if you’re unhappy, there’s the door,” said Big Cat, oblivious to how inconvenient it is to be called into the office at 7:30am on a whim for an unnecessary meeting about how incompetent the peons of the company actually are, and ignorant of how condescending it is for a salaried VP to march in and tell a bunch of hourly wage slaves to buck the fuck up and smile while we’re treated like shit. Drive your fucking beamer coupe away from me right now, you sack of corporate type-A crap, before I … mumble under my breath, afraid of losing yet another job this year. The majority of the employees present at this meeting were single parents who had to find emergency daycare at the last minute in order to drag their asses into the frigid cold and prop their eyelids open while lectured on the importance of stats. But we loved it so much. I personally thanked Big Cat for gracing us with pie charts (courtesy of incorrect corporate math) before sunrise.

How timely that Ms. Ehrenreich picked up on this very sentiment.

Nobody said it would be easy. In fact, the YES! Attitude takes constant maintenance, and one of the illustrations shows Gitomer wearing a blue work shirt with the label “Positive Attitude Maintenance Department” on his chest. Read something “positive” every day, say “positive things all day long.” Practice being “selfish on the inside” while exuding helpfulness on the outside.

How’s this for positive?: If today is Monday, that means Friday is only four days away.

Don’t be distracted by the crude selfishness. What Gitomer and countless other motivational gurus are recommending is the mentality of a crafty slave: “Oh master, I am SO glad you transferred me to the Dayton accounts (even though they’ve been inactive for 18 months), and, while I’m at it, would you like me to polish your shoes with my neck tie?” Smiles, at least in human society, are gestures of submission, and routinely demanded of women as a token of subordinate status. The happy slave smiles; the well-trained “lady” smiles; now even the male white collar striver has to keep his lips pulled back in an expression of eager compliance. Only the top guys get to snarl and snap their way through the day.

The rest of us are tethered to our cubicles by computerized headsets answering questions like, “You people don’t want my business, do you?” and “Life has been so hard lately. Really, really hard. Can I come in later and pay my bill? Can I?” and “I didn’t order any of those movies. Can you read the titles to me? Slowly?” and try desperately to emulate the perfect worker.

The perfect worker, you see, not only does his or her job efficiently, effectively, and always on time, the perfect worker is adverse to crazy ideas like free will, worker input, and constructive criticism. All employee concerns are registered as complaints, obviously, so the perfect worker is concerned about nothing other than how well he or she can eat a spoonfull of shit and keep a straight face.

Hi! I’m Bambi Eloi, and I’m a genetically altered employee! Morlock BioTech creates workers who lack the protein in the brain responsible for free will. I was born with a biological aversion to unions, benefits and minimum wage! The very idea of a paid vacation gives me the dry heaves!

Since I’m completely unable to make a decision, I’ll do whatever you want, however you want it, whenever you want it! I’m also sterile, so you won’t have to worry about maternity leave!

But truly perfect workers are adverse to paychecks, and that’s why they pay us so little. The very idea of a living wage gives me the god damned vapors. I’m so close to perfect my pearly white teeth hurt.

Join me, PABbers, with your monthly McBoing-ly bitch session. What is the most offensive work-related thing a boss has ever told you?

It is hard to escape the conclusion that the poor do see themselves as having a significant amount of choice, and choose not to exercise it in the direction of spending more on food. The typical poor household in Udaipur [in India] could spend up to 30 percent more on food than it actually does, just based on what it spends on alcohol, tobacco, and festivals.

Carrying enough savings to make sure that they never have to cut meals, should not be too hard for these households since, as noted above, they have substantial slack in their budgets and cutting meals is not that common. It would also make it easier for them to deal with healthcare emergencies. As such, saving a bit more would seem like a relatively inexpensive way to reduce stress.

Putting aside the rather unfortunate phrasing — describing people who live in what the World Bank considers conditions of “extreme poverty” as having “substantial slack in their budgets” seems a little odd — there is an undertone in the paper that suggests that if only these poor people could demonstrate a little more “self-control” then they could Horatio Alger themselves out of their dire conditions by sheer force of boot-strapping will.

Don’t we all wish that! Wouldn’t we all be more productive, healthy and wealthy if we eschewed all sin and luxury, squirreled away every spare cent, and dedicated ourselves to unremitting self-improvement? When I look at the survey results compiled by Banerjee and Duflo, I don’t see a lack of self-control or self-discipline, I see people being ordinary humans, with ordinary desires, no matter what their income level. When I read the following passage, I am tempted to rephrase Hemingway’s and Fitzgerald’s famous exchange: “The poor are different than you and me.” “Yes, they have less money.”

“I understand that you didn’t mean to order Barnyard Bunnies: Taking Out the Trash eight times while your family was at church last Sunday, but have you ever considered a broadband connection? There is a lot of adult programming on the internet for free. I could have it installed for you within the week?”

I forget how important it is for people to have a solid internet connection, considering I don’t pay a penny for my own. And considering they usually pay upwards of forty dollars a month. And considering that our service hasn’t exactly been up to par lately. Rolling outages have been plaguing the area after the failure of a major piece of equipment several weeks ago. This infuriates users of Vonage and MMORPG enthusiasts.

A couple of weeks ago I got a call from one client, a man who seemed disproportionately angry at what was at that time a temporary issue. While he bitched and moaned and threatened to cut off his service I perused the notes on his account. Not only had he been given two months of credit for two weeks of outages, he had already called the office twelve times that day. Like a good customer service representative, I forwarded him to technical support mid-sentence.

His name is quickly becoming a metaphor for “pain in the ass” around the office. I get you’re pissed that your service isn’t working. Disconnect and move along.

During a slow period today, because I remember douchebags like this guy, I read his account notes again to see what he’d been up to. As usual, he’d been calling more than ten times a day, demanding managers and credit, completely flipping his shit about the internet service. Every time he called he threatened to disconnect and yet neglected to do so. Finally, I saw why.

Buried in his account notes was a small detail I had neglected to see before. Because he had been unable to use the internet at full download speeds, he couldn’t get the amount of gameplay needed to maintain his skill level as a Level 4 Mage in World of Warcraft. And although I am loathe to speculate on others’ lives or rely on the use of stereotype to discern a person’s life experiences, I suddenly realized why he has the time to call us over twenty times in on 24-hour period.

I HATE TOMKAT. These two thankless souls couldn’t even remember to invite Oprah to their wedding. Can you believe that shit? Oprah! They even neglected to invite Oprah to their post-wedding party. Shit, I’ll bet even Jennifer Aniston was there.*

Cruise and Winfrey have been friends for many years, and Cruise made his infamous couch-jumping “I’m in love” speech regarding Holmes on the media mogul’s talk show last year.

Winfrey was noticeably left off the list to the November 18 ceremony in Bracciano, Italy — even though celebrities such as Jennifer Lopez and Jim Carrey, who are not known to be friends of Cruise or Holmes, were invited.

So, TomKat can invite people who aren’t even their friends to this fabulous Italian wedding, but leave the woman who televised Cruise’s couch-jumping (half-baked) PR stunt. Does Tom Cruise hate Oprah?

Not very classy, TomKat, and I hate you.

__________________________

* Speaking of Jennifer Aniston, did you hear about The Break Up? Yes, Aniston and Vince Vaughn have broken up. I say it’s time because she’s way too good for him.

1. You have a monthly billing rate. Find out what the approximate rate is — this will be different for each company based on expenditure, but figure it on the heavy side. If you like to order six-hour blocks of Playboy, for example, you might include that in your budget.

Let’s say you have a bill that equals $100 a month.

2. If you can’t pay in full, most companies will ask that you pay a certain percentage of the total amount due. This percentage must at least cover the past amount due on your bill. My company starts at 80%, and if this can’t be met 70%, then 60% and so on. If you can find an honest representative, find out what this percentage is.

Thus, if you are thirty days late at $100 a month, you would have to pay $180 or $170 or $160 et cetera to keep your service on.

2a. My company does not go under the most past-due amount. If you have made partial payments and your bill equals $260 dollars:

61-90 days $100
31-60 days $100
1-30 days $60

You must pay $60 to keep your service on. Again, find an honest rep that can verify how many days past due you can make your payment (in our case 60 days is the maximum). In this example, if you can go up to the three-month mark, you have to pay $60 to keep your service on and $100 by the next due date to keep your service on, and so forth.

3. If you keep getting a bill that seems higher than usual, it’s because you keep paying past it’s due date. The next bill is printing before the company receives your payment. Thus, your next bill does not reflect the payment you made. Again, it is important that you know the day that your bills are due every month, and the day that your bill prints every month.

4. Gas and electric companies are legally bound in most states to keep their services on during certain seasons thanks to extreme temperatures. If you need to get away with not paying your bills, do so during the coldest of winter and hottest of summer. This is usually when your bills are highest, so I imagine if you’re broke you can get away with it.

5. Most utility companies allow you to pay on an average rate system. They take your past utility usage and average it over the course of a year and you pay a flat rate every month. Despite this being a benefit in that you can anticipate the amount of your bill every month and budget accordingly, it’s actually kind of a rip off. Gas and electric rates change with the market — and they are averaging for the previous full year — just pay what you actually owe. Ignore their payment programs.

6. Learn the difference between a “soft” disconnection and a “hard” disconnection. A soft disconnection is when the company discontinues certain aspects of your services as a “friendly reminder” to pay your bill. If you can’t get on the internet, if your voicemail stops working, if any piece of equipment that is connected to said comany stops working, call immediately. A hard disconnection is when the company has written you off as a customer. Simply, you’ve gone without paying for too long. You will probably expect to pay a reconnection fee after this point.

7. Does your company make payment arrangements? Many companies allow you to make payment arrangements. If your utility company is not bound by the strict measures I’ve mentioned above, you may be able to pay off past debts gradually instead of all at once. My company, for example, makes you pay off past debts, along with a reconnection fee and a first month of service, before you can get service reconnected again. This is not necessarily the case with all companies. Find out for yourself.

8. Keep contact with the company representatives. They make notes on your account, can give you deals and specials, and often their stats (which dictate their schedules and pay) are dependent on what they get you to buy. Your best offer, i.e. the company line, may not actually be what the rep is telling you. Press the issue. You can tell if your rep is being honest or not, primarily because they get paid about as much as you do. These are not elite folks.

8a. Be nice to your rep. They are far more likely to be sympathetic to your situation if you aren’t calling them losers and bitches. This happens at least ten times a day. They aren’t fazed by your insults and they aren’t fazed by your threats to disconnect. They may be able to cut you a deal or tell you what exactly you need to do to keep from being disconnected.

And finally, scoring credit:

9. If your service is shitty, call in. Don’t call in only when you’re fed up enough to turn service off. If you have consistently complained about the rate of your service the rep is more likely to offer you credit for your troubles. This accounts for installations, billing, credits not received, service that you have not received, etc.

9a. However, if you call in every time your service has an interruption and have insisted on a credit, your rep is going to see you as a money grubber and refuse credit. Especially if you have a history of not paying your bills on time.

Any other questions you might have I can offer answers in the comments. Thanks for calling Big Media Co. and have a nice day.

He laughed to his friend: (overheard) Motherfucker sold me Cinemax. That’s a mutherfuckin’ salesman.

Did you miss me?

But in the nearer future, humans will evolve in 1,000 years into giants between 6ft and 7ft tall, he predicts, while life-spans will have extended to 120 years, Dr Curry claims.

Physical appearance, driven by indicators of health, youth and fertility, will improve, he says, while men will exhibit symmetrical facial features, look athletic, and have squarer jaws, deeper voices and bigger penises.

Women, on the other hand, will develop lighter, smooth, hairless skin, large clear eyes, pert breasts, glossy hair, and even features, he adds. Racial differences will be ironed out by interbreeding, producing a uniform race of coffee-coloured people.

With love,

McBoing

“I got up this morning and went to order Big Booby Bitches 3, but I got something else instead. I was going to watch that but then it cut off and said it was a subscription service.”

Sir, I show no evidence that any movies were ordered this morning.

“I want credit on my account or big booby bitches.”

I notice that you’ve received quite a bit of credit for adult movies that haven’t showed up on your television. Perhaps we should schedule for someone to come out to your home and take a look at your services.

“Look, if I don’t get off before I go to work I’ll go insane. Credit or big booby bitches.”

I put The Masturbator on hold and call my supervisor over. She takes a look at his credit history and says no way. She tells me to schedule a home visit so we can look at his subscription services and fix anything he claims is wrong.

Sir, I can actually have somebody out to your home within the hour. Will you be home?

“Just make sure you call first.”