when the status quo frustrates.

American Literature 101, a personal tutorial for HotMama247

Sunday, May 25th, 2008

Not every blog post has to be a work of fine art. And certainly, many of us bloggers write badly in many ways. I, for example, write long sentences and repeat words too many times. Also I love the comma. Love it, love it, love it. I have enough journalism classes behind me that I know what I’m doing wrong, but they’re so thoroughly behind me I no longer have to care. What I’m saying is, I try not to be the person who harps on other people for poor writing, since I have little room to talk, plus most of us make it up to our audience by being occasionally funny, insightful, or relevant.

However, if you’re going to be none of those things ever, and you’re going to claim to be a part of an educational clearinghouse – implying that you are kind of on top of your subject matter, an not, say, a month behind and tickled pink on the more obvious developments – could you at least do us the favor of not writing a melodramatic 14-year-old girl’s diary entry?

Young People of Today
Published by HotMama247 May 19th, 2008 in Abstinence

Young people of today are overtired, anxiety-ridden, compulsively active, and constantly depressed with recurring fits of paranoia and becoming more promiscuous and irresponsible. The pro-aborts tell us this is normal.

I don’t expect Betty Smith, here, but your passage does bear striking resemblance to something she wrote:

“Intolerance,” she wrote, pressing down hard on the pencil, ‘is a think that causes war, pogroms, crucifixions, lynchings and makes people cruel to little children and to each other. It is responsible for most of the viciousness, violence, terror and heart and soul breaking of the world.”

She read the words over aloud. They sounded like words that came in a can; all the freshness was cooked out of them. She closed the book and put it away.

Ok, maybe you can’t sound like the author of one of the Great American Novels, however, you can avoid sounding like her thirteen-year-old protagonist, and should, considering that even unworldly, teenage Francie knew she was writing crap that day.

Francie, of course, wrote a true statement (“Intolerance is bad; it causes the following bad things”) and realized that the appropriate response to her self-righteous little screed was “Yeah, so what? Tell me something I don’t know.” Your situation is a little different. You take a statement that is arguably true in some communities (“Kids are over stressed”), apply it to all kids, and then somehow try to make the whole thing pro-choicer’s fault. I’m sure there’s a hope chest full of assumptions there, but you’ve lost me and you’ll have to fucking prove it. Once again, let’s do this in list form:

1. Link, for the love of Christ, link to something that supports your argument. Otherwise, you’re just rocking on your porch, muttering about kids these days and ordering them off your lawn.
2. “Pro-aborts”? Pardon, educational clearinghouse, your slip is showing.
3. At least link to the pro-aborts who are saying it is right and natural to make the children who slipped through their abortiony grasp into neurotic stressed-out slutbags with no sense of responsibility. Seriously, do these people exist anywhere but in your head?
4. Take a writing workshop at your local community college or adult education center. Please.

25.05.2008 Edumakashun, HUH!?, Looks like someone needs an intervention, Wankers 1 Comment

Your role in her big day is to pretend being coupled is inherently superior to being single. Help her let the smug smother the panic.

Saturday, May 24th, 2008

How fortuitous! I’m sitting here, single and waiting for my roommate to return my car so I can go get my hair done for my sister’s wedding, when MSN posts this helpful screed on working a wedding while single. Since my sister and mother let it be known before the wedding that my bringing a date was probably the 147th most important thing of the day (more important than the bridesmaid’s manicures, less important than teaching me how to walk so I don’t lurch down the aisle like a zombie bridesmaid) obviously I’m very concerned about how it will look to the rest of the wedding guests if I turn up single.

This is because weddings are all about the guests. Specifically the crazy ones.

As awkward as it is to attend a wedding with someone you’ve only just started seeing — there’s nothing like accidentally catching a bouquet to accelerate the normal relationship timetable by, say, two or three years — going to a reception all by your lonesome self is even worse.

That is not a reasonable statement in any language or situation. What the hell is wrong with MSN lifestyle contributors?

This prospect is so daunting, in fact, that most singles fall back on one of three strategies: a) taking along a brother or sister (or a platonic friend of the opposite sex) and hoping no one asks any questions; b) sadly nursing a triple scotch in the lounge while all the happy couples are out on the floor slow-dancing; or c) invoking the “family emergency” rule and not showing up at all.

or d) take along a foreign friend who wants to see what American weddings are like. Continue with original plan of hanging out with cousins and friends you haven’t seen in forever, you know, like a sane person.

So how does a single person get through a wedding reception solo without invoking pity or amusement from guests fortunate enough to belong to Club Wed? By beginning the creepy weeks in advance, that’s how.

Perhaps because the occasion evokes so much dread, most single wedding-goers show up at the reception without doing any homework. That’s a mistake, says Keith Ferrazzi, author of Never Eat Alone: “You don’t have to wait for the wedding day to make contact with the other guests. In fact, it might lessen your nerves if you reach out a couple weeks in advance.

And once you get there, introduce yourself to all your new friends and remind them that you’re desperate and they’re only good to you if they know lots of eligible guys:

“A wedding provides a smorgasbord of people to meet. Even if The One isn’t there, every new person you meet has a network of 200 other people they know. Say hello to everyone, and subtly let them know you’re available.”

You could do some retail therapy, guys and girls alike. Nothing, apparently, lifts a guy out of the woe-is-single-me doldrums like a snappy new cummerbund.

Splurge a little and pamper yourself with a few spa treatments, or buy a new dress and a new pair of shoes. Guys can get new cummerbunds. The result will be an instant mood lift.

That’s right, they regendered the shopping therapy line. And it’s ridiculous, which means that retail therapy advice aimed at women is also ridiculous. I do in fact have a new dress and shoes for this event, and there is exactly 0.0% chance that it will end up on the floor of the guy I want to fuck-he won’t even be there, plus so far my crush in unrequited – and my frippery is wasted on the eyes of a bunch of married guys and my sister’s friends. This to me is more depressing than wearing an outfit I already know and love.

“I only go to weddings alone if I know there will be lots of kids there,” says Carol from New York. “Then I have my playmates, and the other adults appreciate the attention their children are getting.”

Um, Ok. Ever try talking to adults? Some of them have jobs and travel, just like you and me. They won’t all want to spend the whole reception berating you for being unlovable. Only your inner monologue cares about you that much.
And if all else fails, remember, those bastards only want you to find love so that you can end up fat, disillusioned, and unhappy, just like them.

Take it from me: When you’re absorbed in a single, dismal, self-pitying frame of mind, it’s easy to lose sight of the icy stares, forced laughter, and under-the-breath bickering that transpire for many ostensibly “happy” couples during a deluxe evening. My own dateless wedding strategy is to pal it up as much as I can with the folks at my table. Then, when I’m in danger of feeling blue, I replay all those overheard insidious comments as I lean back in my chair, nurse my triple scotch and watch the slow dance. It may not be very nice, but it sure does work!

When you think of it like that, who wouldn’t envy the happy couple? Oh, god, why won’t one of these selfish bastards introduce me to someone so I can join the fun?

Aight, I got to go put this satin dress in a bag and make sure all of my formal underwear is ready to go. Later, all.

24.05.2008 Wedding-big mistake or bad idea?, What would we do without such great advice? 16 Comments

So my godmother wasn’t insane when she hoped my X-Files fandom would make me an FBI agent

Wednesday, May 21st, 2008

I’ve never seen Sex in the City. I’ve heard it’s good, but not brainwashing, sex-zombie-creating good.

I guess something in the ending credits reminds you not to talk about that bit. And it almost worked.

You can only watch Samantha Jones bed so many gorgeous guys before wondering if 4-inch heels and sky-high confidence would allow you to do the same.

At least that’s what happened to “Lisa” (not her real name). She got hooked on “Sex and the City” when she was a 14-year-old growing up on Long Island, N.Y. It was the same year she lost her virginity. She soon graduated to ordering cosmopolitans at bars she snuck into and cheating on her boyfriend with up to seven other guys — in one week.

Not that this article is saying that Sex in the City turned Little Lisa into a Teenage Sexbot in the City (“To be clear: “Sex and the City” can’t be blamed for creating a generation of sluts.”) but…

Lisa left her “Samantha” ways behind at 19, when she moved to Utah, became a Mormon, married a man within the church and gave birth to two children. For the first year of her marriage, her husband forbade her to watch “Sex and the City” for fear that it would lure her back to her habits of sex, drugs and one-too-many cosmos.

“I had to sell my DVDs on eBay,” she said. “But now it’s OK. It took a while to get here.”

Hmm, troubled teenager raises hell for five years, then in three years manages to find religion get married and have two kids. Well, I’m convinced. I’m ready to take her word on pretty much everything. Nothing fishy going on here. I suppose she could at least give SatC credit for teaching her efficient time-management skills, at least.

So is there really danger here? Let’s ask Perfectmatch.com’s Dr Needspublicity:

“It did have some impact given that it was a sea change in how women talked about sexuality and what was shown on a network — full frontal nudity, talking about affairs, vibrators, etc.,” said Pepper Schwartz, a University of Washington sociology professor and relationship expert for Perfectmatch.com. “If it’s not permission giving, it at least demystifies and normalizes what goes on in women’s lives in a more than snickering way.” (emphasis mine)

Ah, I see. Can’t have that now, because the day women learn to admit they cheat as much as men and vibrators are freely available in all 50 states is the day our society drowns in a sea of fuck-me pump wearing cosmo snorking child whores. Not that I’m saying this will happen if Sex and the City reaches number one in the box office, but basically we’re doomed. Doomed.

That’s what Angela Hwang, 24, found when she started watching the show in cable syndication, after it went off HBO. She and her girlfriends routinely compare their experiences to “Sex and the City” episodes.

“My girlfriends and I, every single guy we’ve been with we can relate to one of the guys on the show,” she said. “We’ve all had Samantha moments. We’ll say, ‘Remember the guy I saw last week? He was exactly like the guy in episode 15.’”

Oh, my God: women are identifying with the characters and situations of a well-written show. We’re all going to die. And since I’m not a SatC fan, maybe I’m unaware of this, but do these fabulous young fans of Samantha and Whatshername actually refer to the episodes by a single number? Is it possible someone’s making quotes up here?

But Dr. David Greenfield, assistant professor of psychiatry at the University of Connecticut’s School of Medicine, believes there’s danger in taking “Sex and the City’s” so-called lessons off the small screen and applying them in the real world.

“With teenagers and young adults, there’s a certain degree of role modeling that goes on. There’s a certain ‘if it’s done on the screen then it’s OK, it’s normal,’” he said. “You watch ‘Sex and the City,’ you see these women go out for dinner, come back, and wake up in satin sheets with a gorgeous guy. Who wouldn’t like that? But it doesn’t show what goes on under the surface in real sexual relations. Sex is an extraordinarily complex, emotional process. No one wants to talk about that. They’re not going to see the reality.”

And the circle is complete: we are now back to the bullet theory of media consumption,meaning that Sarah Jessica Parker has actually torn the fabric of space and time, and the 1960′s are leaking into today, and soon we’ll all be burning cheap sweaters from Steve and Barry’s for warmth before death comes for us all. Great fucking job, Samantha.

21.05.2008 Culture, For the ladies, HUH!?, Media hackery, Movies, Sex 3 Comments

At least they weren’t personally stealing customer’s identities. That we know of. Yet.

Sunday, May 18th, 2008

You know that asshole giving away his SSN on TV and telling you he can protect yours as good as he protects his?

You’ll be shocked to find that he has 20 drivers licenses and is apparently 67 years old.

“While LifeLock has only publicly acknowledged that Davis’ identity was compromised on one occasion, there are more than 20 driver’s licenses that have been fraudulently obtained [using his personal information],” the suit states.

“Furthermore, a simple background check performed using Davis’ Social Security number reveals that his entire personal profile has been compromised to the extent that the birth date associated with his Social Security number is Nov. 2, 1940, which would [inaccurately] make Davis 67 years old.”

But that’s not all! For your $110/year, Lifelock will keep calling the credit reporting agencies and putting fraud checks on your file for no reason (which is apparently a credit-don’t if you’re trying to get a loan). And that’s pretty much all they do, besides claiming that free annual credit report you’re entitled to so that you’d have to pay to see your own just to check up on them.

it does nothing to combat breaches involving personal bank, employment or medical information, as well as theft pertaining to government documents and benefits, the suit alleges…

Gerhold was attracted by LifeLock’s $1 million guarantee against any damages resulting from breaches that occur under the company’s watch…

“In actuality, once you get beyond the numerous legal limitations and disclaimers, the policy really only guarantees that LifeLock will investigate how to fix its failure,” Grubb said in a news release. “The subscriber receives no monetary recompense and no guarantee that their reputation and credit status will be restored.”

But that’s not even the best part. Take a moment to salivate, because this is about to become delicious:

The suit also traces what it calls the “nefarious origin” of the company, including the background of Robert J. Maynard Jr., who co-founded the company with Davis in 2005…

The suit also maintains that Maynard stole his father’s identity by using his information to get an American Express card, which he used to rack up more than $100,000 of debt.

I guess it takes a thief to catch a thief, except for, wait for it…

“In Wisconsin, a woman’s debit card was stolen, and that thief used that card to sign up for LifeLock,” he said.

This has been a PAB public service announcement. Now go call your grandma and make sure she hasn’t fallen for this.

18.05.2008 Wankers, sharing the awesome 2 Comments

Where there’s smoke, there might be a firesale.

Saturday, May 17th, 2008

Hi all. Once again I’m sorry for the lack of awesome postage from me. Expect me to be mostly absent for the rest of the summer. I finished my classwork this spring, and start real thesis work in the fall. This summer I’ll be in Europe doing random science type things and hopefully not being too much of a moron. I also have my sister’s wedding to be in, then to top it all off my landlord forgot to call us and ask if we were leaving before he rented our place to someone else. Thanks, dude.

I found a new place without much trouble, and am trying to convince my roommate to rent the apartment next to it. It’s a great apartment in many ways, but it is significantly smaller than the luxurious country estate I currently live in. When I leave my half of the duplex, I leave a dishwasher, washer/dryer, large living and bedrooms, and a garage. It’s the washer/dryer loss that hurts the most; anyone who has ever gone from laundromat to having their own set and then had to go back understands my anguish.

So I’m scaling down. I have some furniture that can go, a few boxes of things to donate to goodwill, some lamps that can be given to next year’s incoming international students, and so on. My big decision is couch related: back when we moved in, ex-fiance was still fiance and our first purchase as a hopeful young couple was the finest leather livingroom set at Value City Furniture. The relationship ended with him having no claim on these suckers whatsoever, which was a non-issue since neither of us moved and were therefore not fighting over them. There’s no reason not to keep them, other than they are big and my new place is small. I might try to sell them and buy smaller, cheaper furniture but then again anyone who can afford them could probably go out and get new couches. I guess I’ll slap them up on craigslist when I get back and let fate decide.

If anyone wants a copy of Kamy Wicoff’s I Do But I Don’t, email kyso.kisaen@gmail.com. First responder gets it free. This could be merely the first of several offers of free stuff between now and the end of July, so stay tuned.

17.05.2008 Moving 1 Comment

Dear Wachowski Brothers

Thursday, May 15th, 2008

Just saw Speed Racer. It was as colorful as I could have imagined. The end race sequence was exciting enough to get me to forget I spent the first 3/5 of the movie bored out of my skull. The casting was excellent (thanks for not using Keanu as Speed Racer. I know it must have been tempting)

keanu_Reeves
Woah, Speed Racer, woah.

You camped the hell out of that movie, sucking every last bit of cheese out of the animated series. Yet somehow, during the whole movie, I did not once hear the phrase, “Go, Speed Racer, Go!” If it was in there, certainly it was not given proper prominence. What the hell is wrong with you two? Can’t you complete one project without reminding the audience how much you piss us off? Weren’t those last two Matrix movies enough?

I want to love you, really I do. Stop being douchebags.

Love,
Kyso K.

PS: I love being the only person in the theatre.

15.05.2008 Movies 1 Comment

Let’s be big meanies and pick on Abstinence Clearinghouse Blog again for no good reason

Tuesday, May 13th, 2008

A few days ago we all piled on ACB for, among other things, being kind of silly. In response, they closed comments on many posts, deleted unfavorable comments, and otherwise completely ignored us. Their blog, like the rest of the site, remains almost breathtakingly underwhelming. For example, if you become an AC member, do you know what you can get? An email! Weekly! But that’s not all…they’ll also send you a certificate! To paraphrase Cat and Girl, that’s exactly zero dollars worth of goods for free! A near-unbeatable value.

Did you know that as an affiliate, you receive weekly e-mail updates with all the latest information regarding the abstinence community and a certificate of affiliation? You could also receive a gift certificate to the Sex, Love & Relationship Store; a link on our Website; and complimentary registrations to our upcoming conference.

On second thought, it’s possible that they should send you a check with that certificate to at least partially compensate for the pain and shame of being formally affiliated with such ineptitude. For I know they read my post, and while I expected most of my critique to be soundly ignored, there was one piece of advice that I thought they’d pounce on and that was achieving an air of legitimacy by adding hotlinks wherever they claimed to assert a fact. Really, as Ann Coulter knows, the references don’t have to go anywhere relevant or back up your point, but they should be there, reassuringly underlined, providing the subliminal cue that maybe the person writing the post read and thought about their words for a few seconds.

But at ACB, there are few, if any, links. They are conspicuous in their absence. They draw attention to the fact that ACBloggers are just spewing synapse goo randomly; that they’re so filled with anti-choice, anti-sex propaganda they don’t even need to pretend to refer to outside authority, or even inside authority. Their facts all so obviously true to them why would they need to justify them?

Enter again, HotMamma247-still making waiting hot- with a rare multi-sentence post on Gardasil.

There are now more growing concerns over the dangerous side effects linked to the vaccine for HPV. The vaccine targets four types of Human Papilloma Virus that cause most cervical cancers. The Merck product was fast tracked by the FDA in 2006 and aggressively promoted in an advertising campaign. However, a government watchdog group now says there are very serious problems with Gardasil including paralysis, convulsions and seizures in young girls. This is extremely serious findings and everyone should heed them. There should not be a mandate that school girls across the nation be given this shot!!

Ok, SexiliciousMILF69, let’s do this in list form, shall we? The following statements should DEFINITELY have links:
1. government watchdog group Which one? Why should be give a flying fuck?
2. serious problems A link to study or review article goes here. Less agenda-y, the better. Bonus points for linking to supporting material on the words paralysis, convulsions and/or seizures.
3. A link to some official calling for a mandate to give girls the shot. Or even a PP spokesperson. Since lots of people actually do think every kid should have this shot, this one should be easy to do, which means you could gain bonus points with people who think like you do without bending the truth or distorting the facts at all. This one should have been a no-brainer.

The following statements could have optional links, to give it that extra-internet-scholarly feel:
1. fast-tracked by the FDA
2. aggressively promoted
3. growing concerns

Don’t thank me, I’m just trying to help.

PS to HotMamma: I hope you’re actually hot. Because the internets are a cruel, cruel place, and if you keep doing this and a picture is eventually associated with you (and it will be) and you are not smoking hot, well, I value my shreds of feminist credibility too much to give you a hard time over it, but I can’t do anything about the rest of the interwebs. If you were posting for anything but an anti-sex site that has at least one recent pearl-clutching post about our oversexed culture, it might slide. But you’re not, so consider changing the moniker. Plus, numbers are so 1997. What is that, your aol screenname? Actually, just change the name. There’s no way you’re hot enough to be safe from post-exposure harassment; no one is.

13.05.2008 Edumakashun, HUH!?, Looks like someone needs an intervention, Sex, What would we do without such great advice? 5 Comments

If this is what counts as an “educational organization” in abstinence land, then hell yeah we need to stop giving them money. They’re just not that bright.

Thursday, May 8th, 2008

Hi everybody! I’m sorry I haven’t been posting lately, not that y’all have noticed with our fantastic new bloggers filling the void I’d left behind. I took my last final ever today (squee!) and am gearing up to leave the country in a few weeks, so things have been a bit busy. And I was wondering, I should blog, but with my head stuffed full of MEMS manufacturing processes and phase diagrams, I haven’t had a moment to come up with an interesting thought about anything. What could I blog about?

Then Amanda gave me a present: the Abstinence Clearinghouse Blog. A treasure trove of easy target! Huzzah! Let’s check it out!

The Abstinence Clearinghouse is “a privately funded 501(c)3 non-profit, non-partisan international educational organization.” I hope they know alot about abstinence, because their bloggers don’t know jack squat about making an argument. Let’s start with Annie, author of the two of the first three posts on ACB. I don’t know much about Annie, because none of the bloggers write an introductory post, nor is there a bios page. The subject of Annie’s groundbreaking first post? The epidemic of teens taking nude photos of themselves with camera phones:

So teens are now using cell phones to take nude photos of themselves for general circulation. They have to know that once it’s out there, it’s really out there. That’s not just embarrassing–which it will be, sooner or later–it’s a little creepy when you think about who might be looking…and why.

I’m not sure what I like best about this post; the conversational opening, the lack of a link to anything explaining this phenomena to those of us who have never gotten a clear, much less titillating, picture out of a camera phone, or the scare ellipses. What nefarious reasons could a stranger have for looking at an anonymous picture of your nude body? Annie was just warming up, though. In her second post, “Planned Parenthood seeking 1 Million Opponents to Abstinence” she really shines.

On April 29th, Planned Parenthood sent out an email calling out to its supporters to join them in challenging Presidential candidates to talk about sex…They are asking for 1 Million “strong, caring, fed-up people who aren’t afraid to talk about sex,” to sign onto their letter by November 4th this year.

You see, this is what is wrong with the teens today.

Of course I see. How could I not see that the Planned Parenthood One Million Strong campaign to “elect pro-choice candidates at every level, including a pro-choice president and Senate and House members; pass laws and policies that support women’s health; defeat anti-choice ballot measures; and turn out one million pro-choice voters in November 2008!” is exactly what is wrong with kids these days. ( I assume Annie is talking about the 1 Million Strong campaign, as it is the only thing on PP’s website with that number associated with it. Annie, being a crackerjack debater, didn’t provide any supporting quotes from the email or links or anything crazy like that.) When I think of today’s youth with their hip-hop music, their Hannah Montana and their grassroots political actions for women’s health and reproductive choice, I wish we could return to a simpler time.
(more…)

08.05.2008 Punkass!, Edumakashun, HUH!?, Reproductive Rights, Sex, Wankers, What would we do without such great advice? 12 Comments

I guess the Eastern Orthodox have a better way to celebrate Easter

Sunday, April 27th, 2008

Upon reading this I have two thoughts:

1. There are EIGHT TYPES of lard !!?? Lard spices?

2. It didn’t even occur to me that you could measure dill in kilograms.

27.04.2008 Punkass!, We Eat No Comments

Modesty by definition doesn’t call attention to itself.

Sunday, April 27th, 2008

Let’s all pause for a second to ponder this graf from Sabbotabby’s MSNBC Mormon-catwalk story

And while no one would accuse the women of making a fashion statement, the pioneer-style outfits are a rare example of how in an age of overexposure, modesty, too, can give pause.

It’s not the modesty that gives pause – if merely being covered from neck to ankle made people stop and reflect on the differences between messages sent and messages received by a woman’s outfit, I’d be a featured Rebolutionary modesty blogger. A hit-generating controversial one, since I wear fun, graphic-filled t-shirts a bit too tight. My roommate says it’s because I want people to stare at my boobs, but no one can deny that since I started flaunting it, I haven’t been called “sir.”

Anyway, the point is, plenty of women run around all day and all night dressed fairly modestly. Some of us because it’s easier, some of us because it allows us to cast judgment on all those other whores, and some because we can’t all afford the time, money and effort it takes to pull off a skanky Paris-Hilton like look; tanning and waxing and personal trainers adds up. But no one is ever given any sort of pause by this because to stand around goggling over all the sensibly-dressed women you encounter who aren’t shoving their boobs in your face is sort of like standing in the rain marveling at its wetness.

So it’s not the modesty that causes people to gawk; it’s the freakshow. It’s the use of women’s bodies as a billboard for advertising how pious your community is.

Has anyone seen a picture of an FLDS guy in all this? What do they wear?

27.04.2008 For the ladies, Godbaggery, What Patriarchy? 3 Comments

The Five Virtues of the Penis

Sunday, April 20th, 2008

So I spent the weekend at a bachelorette party, feeling out of place and being not quite as bored out of my mind as I expected, but still pretty bored. And although I am never in demand at events like this – I have problems faking enthusiasm appropriately, and people say I’m mean – no one can deny I buy a kickass gift. My gift was a comically-illustrated “modern” Kama Sutra, which featured large, page-sized photographs of models in various positions, along with their mystical names (“Cicada on a bough, Late Spring Donkey, that sort of thing), soothing quotes and helpful tips (“He comes in at an angle, to maximize stimulation of the clitoris”). Probably the most hilarious thing, though, was not the dirty pictures nor the pseudo-mystic descriptions, nor even the “Deer Exercises”, but rather tucked onto a back a page: the Five Virtues of the Penis.

1. The penis is Kind. It exists mainly as a tool for servicing the woman, and in this it keeps on giving and giving.

2. The penis is Righteous. It is not selfish. It performs its duty, yet it is empty on the inside, a hollow tube, with nothing of its own.

3. The penis is Courteous. It is polite. It advances or retreats at the right time. It is hard or soft at the right time. It is shaped neither squarely, nor is it pointed or sharp edged. It will neither hurt nor show lack of discipline.

4. The penis is Wise. It knows how to find a way to please the woman, and it will do whatever is in its power to satisfy her.

5. The penis is Honest. It will keep labouring until it completes its duty. If it cannot fulfill its duty it gives up completely. It is completely honest. If it likes you it stands up straight. If it does not it becomes indifferent.

This is of course the opposite of what I’d been told the penis was like all my life, but I think I like this version better. So the next time someone tries to excuse his boorish behavior by saying “men think with their dicks” show him this list, and explain that he has an obligation to be as kind, righteous, courteous, wise and honest as his penis would want him to be. I’m especially fond of this definition of “wise.”

20.04.2008 Punkass!, Sex 12 Comments

Boys like, boys like, boys like me!

Sunday, April 13th, 2008

Women looking for love on the internet face a most distressing problem – men responding to online personals ads can be so picky! With the number of lonely women far outstripping the number of lonely men using the internet to find companionship, it’s really a buyers market out there. How can a lady increase her chances of catching the discriminating eye of a man who has literally thousands of women available to him with a single mouse click?

She can follow these helpful tips from Kimberly Dawn Neumann and several helpful guys, who probably aren’t just acquaintances of Kimberly at all. Why will he like your profile? Prepare to be shocked:

1. Men like, and I quote, “truth in advertising.” Once, I saw a commercial for Wendy’s Baconator sandwich, and since I love bacon, the glistening, delicious looking bacon orgy on TV seemed like the sandwich for me. Then I bought one, and it was two slabs of beef with a couple pieces of bacon. All that salty bacony goodness was overwhelmed by ordinary beef patty; I had severely decreased the radius of my arteries for nothing. NOTHING!

Ladies, don’t be that sandwich.

For a woman’s profile to work, the picture has to match the profile which has to match reality

“Huh,” you’re saying, “Not lying? That’s so crazy it just might work!”

2. Sound like a real person.

Men are more likely to be intrigued if they can think of you as a real, live human being on the other end of—well, their wireless connection.

This might not be as hard as you think. In my corner of Craigslist, for example, probably about 5% of the posts the scanty Women-Seeking-Men page is men trying to tell the other men that real, local women interested in a date will not post a four-line, picture-less ad that tells you her bust measurements and invites you to find out more by clicking the link. Try peppering your ad with reassuring statements like “I am not posting spam for a porn site!” and “One of the best things about me is that I won’t be charging you by the minute when you call me!”

3. List activities that you enjoy, so that you may attract a man who enjoys the same things. Also, put on your pants first, then your shoes.

4. Don’t sound desperate. For the love of god, do you want this awesome guy trolling the internet for dates to think you’re some kind of loser who has to advertise on the internet for dates?

“Men can sense neediness from miles away,” says Bev Bacon, author of Meet Me, Don’t Delete Me. “If you feel self-esteem and self-confidence are not your strong suit, do something about it!”

Women, on the other hand, couldn’t detect neediness if they had special neediness-detectors and a fresh set of batteries. I say, ladies, if you are so desperate for companionship that you’ve taken to watching Nicholas Sparks movies with a boyfriend pillow draped around your shoulders, I say own that shit and put it in your advertisement. Because somewhere out there on eHarmony is a guy who needs you as much as you need him, and it’s important you attract him before he gets scammed so many times by fake 27-year-olds who just need him to send her a few things before she can come visit that he cancels his accounts.

5. And last but not least, “values.” Dog-whistle that shit up if necessary.

Many women shy away from mentioning family and faith when talking about themselves out of fear that they’ll seem too serious and scare men off. Not so! Many men hold the exact same values and will respond to your mentioning what really matters most to you.

But remember to take alot of time combing through men’s personals ads first to make sure you’re using the right code words, especially if you’re trying to filter people by race or ethnicity, to avoid embarrassing mistakes. For example, and ad that subtly discourages blacks from responding should pay particular attention to class issues – are you the type of person that likes to claim she’s not racist, she just couldn’t date a black man over beers after a day of skeet shooting, or lattes after a trip to the art gallery? As you can see, many times one coded filter is not going to be enough. Frequently, a picture will be worth a thousand words here (see point 1).

13.04.2008 For the ladies, What would we do without such great advice? 19 Comments

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