when the status quo frustrates.

Pets

Saturday, September 27th, 2008

I lucked into two fish tanks, a 10-gallon and a 25-gallon, and I’d like to fill them with things. The larger one has a small hole in it, and can’t hold water. I was thinking fish in the smaller one, and a snake, lizard or turtle in the larger. I’ve heard good things about rainbow fish, and there’s neon tetras aplenty at my local pet store. If I can fit two or more species in there, that’d be cool.

For the other tank, I’m leaning towards a corn snake, but a turtle sounds nice too. My problem is finding a good place to get one.

Unfortunately, my pet experience is mostly dog and cat oriented, and I’m feeling out of my depth. So I’m interested in your aquarium experiences. Anyone got fish or reptiles? Care to share?

Umm…..

Sunday, August 31st, 2008

This isn’t a real FOX screenshot, right? Please tell me someone made this up.

Sarah Palin is too much, too little, and too late.

Friday, August 29th, 2008

Everyone’s talking about McCain’s choice for VP candidate, MILF Sarah Palin of Alaska. His motivations are transparent, and were within seconds being widely discussed on all the hottest blog comment threads. Everyone knows why she was picked, the question is, will it work?

If the opinion of Vision Forum is any indication, I’m going to have to guess, no.

The selection of a feminist, pro-life mother of five with four children, seventeen and under, including a newborn Down’s syndrome baby, to fulfill the post of vice president is without precedent in American history. What Democratic vice presidential candidate Geraldine Ferraro was unable to accomplish for the feminist cause in 1984 may now be handed as a fait accompli to America through the hands of evangelicals and conservatives. After decades of Christian leaders fighting against the feminstic vision of the working supermom, Republicans are now showcasing the vision in the most high profile election in the world.

It was from this post that I learned Palin returned to work a mere three days after having her latest child, who is afflicted with Down’s Syndrome. From this, I infer two things: first, god damn, there’s a woman used to working at least twice, if not six or seven times, as hard to be considered half as good. I mean, just, damn. And second: someone’s got a lot of help at home. A lot. Of really trustworthy help, because who besides your own mother do you leave a special-needs newborn with? At any rate, she’s clearly figured out how to have the mythical feminist dream of having it all, so it’s a damn pity that this perfect specimen of a strawfeminist is in fact there to balance out a perception that John McCain is just too soft on women’s issues.

But she chose her side, and unfortunately for her that side has spent the last two decades or so pandering to a base that thinks “Feminists for Life” is actually comprised of a bunch of feminists, and so she just might fail as a token. Could you imagine if she became president in the event of Old Man McCain’s death? How can a president have children? It’s just too much work! Who will take care of them while she’s presidenting? There’s no guidance about this situation in the Bible, so the whole damn situation is unthinkable. Back to the kitchen you go, Mrs Palin!

I am confident that Mrs. Palin is a delightful, sincere, thoughtful, and capable woman with many commendable virtues. But in fairness, there is nothing “traditional” about mothers of young children becoming career moms, chief magistrates, and leading nations of three hundred million, nor is this pattern the biblical ideal to which young women should aspire.

Of course, Palin’s nomination means it’s again time to think about the unthinkable:

With more and more women entering the political sphere and running for political office, the conscientious, biblically oriented Christian is confronted with the question of whether or not he should give his support and vote to a woman. This question becomes more pressing for many when the “best candidate,” i.e., the most conservative, pro-life candidate in a particular race is a woman.

Short answer: No.

…is it biblically proper for a woman to hold political office, and thus rule over men? Has God ordained women to be civil leaders, or has He reserved this authority for men only? I believe that the Bible gives a definitive answer to this question: women are not permitted by God to hold political office and rule over men in the political sphere.

That’s right, you Serena Joy wanna-bes. No power for you, no matter how good you are at turning your loathing of those sinful daughters of Eve into policy. True Christians are apparently required to vote for a be-penised man who will uphold the unbiblical rights currently given to wayward harlots over a more theologically-minded cuntsack. The parts of the Bible William Einwechter cares to include in his analysis say so. Every mention of women holding authority states that this is wrong, except for that story of that woman who held some authority, which doesn’t count.

The example of Deborah does not give sufficient evidence to prove that she held the office of civil ruler or to overturn the biblical doctrine that men alone are called of God to the office of civil magistrate. Therefore, Christians should not support a woman for the office of civil magistrate.

I do believe that by this logic the Religious Right will have to vote for Barack Obama, with his stylish, more traditional wife and his betesticled running mate. And we on the left welcome our new swing voters. Please, make yourselves at home, take a look at the platform. Have some coffee before we start screaming at each other about abortion.

Why gmail’s targeted ads are superior to hotmail’s.

Tuesday, August 26th, 2008

So your ex, with whom you thought things were unresolved, sends you an email to let you know he resolved them while you weren’t paying attention and he hopes the presence of his new girlfriend at his party won’t stop you from attending. Gmail apparently has no keywords that target ads to the “we’ll always be friends” boilerplate, and even if they did they’d be off to the side. However, my ex uses hotmail, so right under the last sentence where he makes some effort to pretend my feelings still matter, I’m informed that I can “Be the filmmaker you always wanted to be—learn how to burn a DVD with Windows®. Make your smash hit”

Actually, the absurdity is helping a little.

What the hell is wrong with people?

Friday, August 15th, 2008

I recently found myself in need of a mattress. After a severely disappointing experience with 1-800-Mattress and several sleepless nights on my loveseat (or sex-couch, as a filthy-minded foreign friend prefers to think of it) I turned to the internets and asked, where oh where can I get a mattress today?

Google not only provides the answers, but also the user reviews to tell me what I’m getting. I was shocked to learn that Value City Furniture, the very people I purchased my sex-couch from, had put me in danger!

No self-defense allowed‎ – Nickname unavailable‎ – Jun 30, 2008
VCF is one of those places that doesn’t allow law-abiding citizens to have the means to protect themselves if they enter their store. They require …‎ More »
VCF is one of those places that doesn’t allow law-abiding citizens to have the means to protect themselves if they enter their store. They require everyone to make themselves helpless, even if they have a state issued handgun carry license. Haven’t we seen enough mall, church, and school shootings to know that criminals and deranged individuals don’t respect signs that restrict only law-abiding individuals? « Hide
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Clearly, I had no choice but to buy from the Original Mattress Factory. Thank you, Anonymous Paranoid Guy!

Let’s talk thrifty

Sunday, July 20th, 2008

So like I said in my last post, I’m moving. This will be the first time I’ve lived by myself, which of course has advantages and disadvantages. Ability to walk around topless whenever I want? Maru! Splitting the cable bill? Batsu! This biggest disadvantage will be the crippling loneliness. Sure, I spend all night reading or attached to the computer anyway, but the option to go down and pester a roommate was always there, and now they are a 15 or 50 minute drive away, respectively. This means I will probably have to venture out in search of local companionship, and will probably be hitting more bars. No bill splitting + more leaving the house to socialize = must budget better.

The biggest place I can rein it in is the grocery store, and that means finding the time to clip coupons. But there are other obvious places: our family plan cell phone bill was $100/month, which meant I was paying $33/month for the 100 minutes of phone conversations and a dozen text messages I actually used. We have over 3,000 unused rollover minutes. Screw that noise – I suspect a prepaid plan will slash my yearly phone bill from almost $400 to just over $100.

Cleaning supplies were another place. I have an insane collection of cleaning chemicals. I’m always on the lookout for that one product that will actually make my life easier. And just before I left for Europe, I found it: vinegar. Cleans fucking everything. So the only remaining chemicals I want are toilet bowl cleaner (love those curvy necks, love them love them love them) and a super-strong calcium and lime remover, plus window cleaner because it’s still cheap and easier than diluting your own ammonia, which is what my mom does.

So I’ve been on the interwebs looking at being thrifty. I found this recipe for homemade laundry detergent, and have looked at covering my windows with 3M window films. Would wrapping my water heater in insulation actually help? How long would it take a toaster oven to pay for itself?

How do you punkasses save money?

Checking in.

Saturday, July 19th, 2008

Hi all!

I’ve been back from Europe for about a week now, and posting is still light. I got back at 9PM on a Sunday and had a 9AM Monday meeting, four projects to get caught up on, two younger students to keep occupied, and I have to move apartments. My brain is fried.

I highly recommend traveling in Europe for anyone who has the opportunity. The only downside is that when you come home, you can’t talk about all of your wonderful experiences without making people scoff at your supposed bragging, or making them burn with jealousy. Or both. Which means you’re just bursting with fun and funny stories that you can’t tell too many of without people accusing you of pretentious twatdom. It’s a gift and a curse. I’m just saying, if you like coffee, get yourself to western Europe right now. They are not fucking around.

For now, I am focused on getting some projects started at school, one of which is funded by a major company and so of course they’re a little more in love with hard deadlines than our usual funding sources. This has led to an interesting dilemma for me: my helpful coworkers are constantly dropping in to give helpful advice and suggestions to my enthusiastic undergraduate, and while he’s excellent at setting up the equipment and doing experiments, he’s having a hard time keeping his eye on the prize. It’s all so important, how can he possibly not enact every suggestion? So now I need to tell these guys that while I generally appreciate their help, they need to back the fuck off the kid so he can get something done in time for the next meeting. That part is easy. It’s doing it without starting some kind of passive-aggressive scientists feud that’s going to be tricky.

At home, I’m sorting through five years worth of roommate possession creep, dividing up plates and towels like we’re in some kind of divorce. I’ve been living with these guys for five years, and this is the first time I’ll be moving to a place by myself. Somebody hold me. Or at least tell me how to get that musty smell out of my towels, the one caused by years of ex-fiance’s pile-the-wet-towels-until-all-towels-in-the-house-are-dirty method of laundry management. OK, I admit, some things I won’t miss. He’s already gleeful about never having to look at the breadmaker again, and about not having to share bathroom counter space with me.

I promise to form an opinion on something one of these days. Maybe after I’ve moved.

Almost back

Thursday, July 10th, 2008

Tomorrow is my last full day in Europe, then a weekend spent at various airports and a few days to remember who and where I am, then it will be back to a quasi-normal blogging schedule. I know, y’all missed me.

I think I may have literally walked my ass off in Europe.

I’d be happy to make a seal she can post on her CafePress page.

Friday, June 13th, 2008

I’d like to take a moment from my Europe Tour to award SexyMILF69 The Kyso Kisaen Certificate of Achievement in Non-Sequitors. Sexxy has a solid history of making her readers think very hard about what the fuck SexxyMom is thinking, but it was this entry that clinched it for her:

The desperation that this girl felt led her to an act that cost her the life of her child [taking the abortion pill]. (”It was a very emotional experience for us both to witness her pass her baby and my granchild into the bedpan,” her mother said of the experience.) But the act eventually led to seizures and cardiac arrest and the loss of her own life. Two lives lost that could have been spared.

Every time you have a sexual relationship with someone, you’re risking more than the possibility of pregnancy. Think of it this way, you’re having sex with every other person that they have slept as well. You are exposing yourself to 25 STD’s in one moment of passion.

That’s right, kids. The tragic story of a girl who aborted her fetus because she was afraid of her boyfriend’s family’s reaction and then suffered a terrible reaction to the drug should make you pause and think about this: you could be fucking a walking infection factory right now. Oh, also, sex is dirty disgusting and dangerous so remember to save it for someone you truly love. Ok, she didn’t give us that bon mot; it is, unfortunately, a little too clever for her.

See you in August

Sunday, June 1st, 2008

Well guys, I’m out for the summer. Tomorrow I leave for Europe. In our group meeting last week, my coworker said he finally figured out the pattern: every summer, my boss goes on tour, like a rock star. He has probably half a dozen countries to visit in the next two months, where he’ll give presentations and invited talks and most importantly, play in what I think is some sort of world championship soccer game where all the soccer players are world-renowned academics. This year, he scattered roadies all over Europe, and I make up the Western Europe crew; then we’ll meet up rather in the center, depending on how much of the CIS you count as Europe. I have two mandates; one – get enough research done in three weeks on a topic that I know next to nothing of to eek a somewhat credible paper out of, and two-have fun.

If I have any particularly hilarious adventures, I’ll drop by, but otherwise, you can enjoy a nice Kyso break and focus on all the Lisa, Violet, Antigone and Sabbotabby goodness you can handle.

If you can show me he drinks two raw eggs everyday, I’m sold.

Monday, May 26th, 2008

Do you want to vote for John McCain, but are concerned about putting a 70+ year old in an office famous for rapidly aging its holders? Never fear, for Dr. Michael Roizen is here to tell you that even though John McCain is technically 71, according to the Real Age program of Dr. Roizen’s own devising, plus the no doubt fully-revealing medical records McCain chose to release, he’s anywhere between 1/2 and 10 years younger, depending on if all the youngifying factors of the Real Age assessment add up.

To Dr. Michael Roizen, co-author of “You: The Owner’s Manual,” the more relevant information is the candidate’s physical condition. After all, some 72-year-olds are fit for a marathon, while others are stuck in their easy chairs.

Roizen is the developer of the Real Age program, which uses an overall health evaluation to determine a person’s true biological age (in contrast with his or her actual age). Using McCain’s newly released medical records, Roizen walked NEWSWEEK through an assessment of McCain’s physical status. Though some of the information Roizen normally requires was not immediately available—including specifics on McCain’s diet and exercise habits and his resting pulse rate—the details at hand enabled him to make an initial assessment.

The Real Age assessment says McCain’s real age is tip top, through a rigorous procedure involving emphasizing all the good things about McCain’s records and ignoring what little bad came through.

McCain’s BMI works out to 24. The desirable range is 19 to 25, and the ideal is 22 to 24…The American Heart Association advises maintaining a blood pressure below 120 over 80, but Roizen says the ideal is 115 over 75…That said, he has lower blood pressure than most 71-year-olds, who average 145 over 89….McCain’s father died at 70 of cardiac-related problems. But his mother, 96, is still famously campaigning with her son. That shows a good genetic endowment. Effect: 1.5 years younger…McCain has had four cancerous lesions removed from his skin…he fact that he’s survived more than five years is a good sign, so his cancer history doesn’t add to his Real Age.

What can I say, I’m convinced. You?

Oh ,wait, there’s a page 2: turns out you add up the number of months you save from each catagory. How oddly convenient.

Bottom line: 8.1 years younger, or 63.7 years old.

Aww, how cute!

Sunday, May 25th, 2008