Dear Internet,
I just ate a piece of pizza. I know that it is making me fat. I am aware that it contains polyunsaturated something-or-other, hydrolyzed this-or-that, and also sugar and, god help me, corn.
I know that half of what I just ate is giving me cancer even as the other half is preventing it. I know the wheat is shredding my intestines even as it murders my children. I know that the corn is genetically engineered and that it’s giving me cancer, because as everyone knows, genes cause cancer. I know that I probably need more B12 or B7 or K or something, I know that fructose is the new cyanide, I know that I’m probably allergic to goddamned near everything, and yes, I know that if I add a teaspoon of sugar to my tea I may as well be mainlining crystal meth.
Oh, and hey look! Something about gut bacteria. My gut bacteria, or possibly my lack thereof, are making me fat and maybe also killing me. Okay, I know that now, too.
I know that I need to work out more. God, do I ever I know that. I know that I should be working out RIGHT NOW THIS SECOND. (And yes, I know that the aspartame I just sipped in my diet coke is killing me in exactly the same way as sugar, but with a funny aftertaste.)
But you know what, Internet? I just. Don’t. Care. The aggregate cost of filtering, processing, and understanding a constantly-shifting stream of breathless information about THIS thing which causes toe cancer in genetically engineered lab rats or THAT thing which prevents aging in soybean nematodes—let alone the vast array of things that affect my chakral alignment or the quantum moment of my vitreous humors—has just become far higher than any conceivable benefit.
When you can show me a living person who is 300 years old and who doesn’t look a day over, say, 50, then we can talk.
Until then: please, please, shut the fuck up.
<3
~ v.
p.s. I either ALREADY HAVE brain cancer, or I NEVER WILL. Either way, unless you’re whining about the antenna in the fucking iPhone 4, please shut the fuck up about cell phones, too. Actually, on second thought, don’t say anything about the iPhone 4, either.
THIS! I go crazy on a daily basis over food insanity. It would be one thing if the info was presented as, “hey, try to add some more fruits and veggies to your diet and try to move your ass just a little more than you do.” Instead it’s a constant series of “SHRIEK! Sugar bad! Aspartame Poison! White flour processed food EVIL! Organic, home-milled, farm-raised, hand-plumped = not going to kill you.” Whatever! Survival rate is zero. Since EVERYTHING is giving me cancer, anyway, I may as well enjoy what I eat. You know, within reason.
And seriously, I have NEVER understood the sugar = crystal meth formulation. Yeah, if you have diabetes or are at risk, you might want to reduce your sugar intake. And if you’re trying to lose weight (which is seriously such a fucking waste of time) you might want to cut down on sugar. And it’s bad for your teeth. But so are other substances! Just fucking brush!
Anyway, thank you. I feel you.
Okay this is just hilarious.