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The wild-eyed woman-hating that apparently characterized this year’s crop of Superbowl ads got me thinking–what do people who make a point of denying that wild-eyed woman-hating really exists in America have to say about it..? Nothing, as far as I could tell–and I don’t blame them; there isn’t much they could say, though I speculated that maybe one or two would capitalize on it as a much-needed backlash against all dem bitchez! or possibly note that the characterization of men as mindless Neanderthals that frequently accompanies ads denigrating women is pretty insulting to men, too.

But in the midst of my aimless perusal of Men’s Rights-type sites, I stumbled across this article: 10 Lies Men Tell Themselves in Order to Stay in Abusive Relationships with their Wives or Girlfriends. I was struck by how very many of the Lies Men Tell Themselves appeared to be very similar, if not identical, to the Lies Women Tell Themselves in Order to Stay In Abusive Relationships. Perhaps not a dazzling revelation–abuse is abuse, regardless of the demographics of the abuser and abusee–but then, that’s also too simplistic of a statement to make. Some forms of abuse really don’t happen much without pre-existing factors that facilitate them; for example, while both parent-on-child and child-on-parent physical abuse does occur, it occurs far more often in the former case due to size disparity, economic imbalance, psychological dominance overwhelmingly in favor of the parent, etc. etc.

So I Googled a list for women and thought I’d look at them together, and see what similarities and differences did crop up in your typical Top Ten Lies list.

Reasons that are identical for both genders

1. I’ll lose my home, my kids and my money and assets.
2. Love conquers all.
3. Even living in a relationship without sex or affection is better than being alone.

Not very surprising. For number 1, what you are more likely to lose more of from that list can be influenced by your specific gender, but regardless of your gender the unpleasant reality is that if you leave an abusive partner, you are going to lose at least some of one or more of those things.

For number 2, self-delusion is hardly gender-specific, and our culture h-e-a-v-i-l-y romanticizes and encourages this particular point of view.

I’ll be honest and say that I don’t understand number 3 at all, but I know that a huge number of people do feel that way. I find it far worse to be lonely in the same room with someone than be lonely when I’m actually alone in the room; having someone there that’s supposed to love and desire you but doesn’t is the most miserable tease in the world.

Reasons that are similar for both genders

1. Male version:I made a commitment and I honor my commitments.
Female version:It is my duty to make my relationship work.

2. Male version:If I just work a little harder at the relationship, it will get better.
Female version:He can change if I’m just committed enough.

3.Male version:My kid(s) are okay because she doesn’t yell at them.
Female version:I need to keep our family together for the children’s sake.

The differences are not large in each statement–they are interesting in the ways each illustrates the culturally ingrained male/female mindsets, but the central theme in each is the same. For number 1, domestic harmony is a woman’s responsibility and domestic prosperity is a man’s (of course I don’t agree with that, duh! but that is the prevailing meme). But the central theme of a reluctance to fail in one’s life-role responsibilities crosses the gender line.

For number 2, the interesting part is that both genders see the man as the active partner and the woman as the passive partner–the man must work harder on his actions/ the woman must stand back and allow the man time and space to work harder on his actions. Both, of course, are mistaken for the same reason–the abusive person is not abusive because of anything you are doing, not because you are either not doing enough or doing too much.

For number 3, both sexes view the children and mother as an inseparable unit; for the man, that she abuses him has nothing to do with their children, and for the woman, that if she leaves him their children will automatically lose their father. The central fallacy is that it’s better for children to grow up in a home where one parent abuses another than to grow up with two divorced parents–this unfortunate notion, even after being pretty thoroughly debunked in recent times, continues to persist in our culture.

Reasons that are the same thematically, but the angle of approach is 180 degrees opposite for the genders:

Male version: I’m strong. I can take the abuse, and The abuse is not that bad.
Female version:He may seriously injure me or kill me if I try to leave.

I think the reason behind this one is that men are on average taller, heavier, stronger and faster than women. Men simply aren’t as likely to fear severe physical damage at the hands of a woman, and also are far less likely to actually experience severe physical damage at the hands of a woman–even those who argue over the gender-based incidence of physical abuse in relationships don’t argue that when it does occur, the woman is far more likely to end up really hurt–and in terms of domestic murders, the number of women done in by their current or previous man far, far exceeds the opposite dynamic. And of course, men are socialized to trivialize physical violence committed against themselves, whereas women are socialized to disproportionately fear it.

Reasons that are really gender-specific, with no opposite-sex analogue:

Male: All relationships have conflict. Conflict is healthy.

Female I’m so awful that nobody else will ever want me; I may even deserve this.

This is a total guess, since I was surprised to see this on the list at all given the prevailing cliche that men are deeply allergic to drama in their romantic relationships with women–but if this is truly a common male justification, I would think that perhaps men are more likely to regard a certain amount of conflict as normal because it characterizes so much more of their everyday interactions with everyone else. If you’ve ever spent any time around heavy-majority male groups, you know that there is a lot of posturing, challenging, insulting and so forth that goes on as a routine activity. Men are accustomed to fairly open fighting for their place in the hierarchy of whatever unit they happen to be in, so when it happens at home, I’m guessing they’re not as horrified as your average woman, nor as immediately convinced that it’s a sign of a serious problem.

For women, it does indeed often boil down to self-esteem issues. Women definitely have a tendency to rate themselves internally based on what the men in their life think of them–I’ve done it too often myself subconsciously (and it’s an unpleasant realization when it finally surfaces to the conscious level that that IS what you’re doing) to be able to pooh-pooh it away. Men don’t seem to have such a problem with internalizing things like this, with the glaring exception of personal sexual ability.

Anybody else have any thoughts about all this..?

This entry was posted on Wednesday, February 10th, 2010 at 1:37 pm and is filed under Feminism, Men's Rights Activism, Philosophisizining, Relationships. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.