Hi everyone!
Amazon.com here. After the recent concern expressed here and the tweetageddon resulting from our itty bitty but totally adorable if you think about it what were we talking about again? Probably one of our awesome SALES SALES SALES where you can get all the It items your barren soul craves for way cheaper than you should.
Anysmiles, we thought we would stop by a few places where the grumperdoodles have emerged to remind everyone of all the great things about us. First of all, we have everything. Literally everything ever. From the latest Girls Gone Wild DVDs to the Shroud of Turin, you can find every item conceived or created on Earth (coming soon: Amazon Galactus!) within our virtual walls. And all of it is obscenely cheap — so cheap that it almost seems like there’s no way anyone could be making a profit on the sale, and certainly way cheaper than some fleshbag in your analog town could sell you the item. Oh, and we have free shipping on all kinds of stuff! So you get it right to your door with minimal exertion, which avoids disrupting your streak of barely moving a muscle.
How can we make the world this perfect for all of you? One word: volume. We’re the middle men on so much stuff that we can move merch at razor thin profit margins. When you think of a book or a CD, your brain thinks AMAZONAMAZONAMAZON. More and more, when you think of movies or electronics or furniture or crude oil futures your brain is also thinking AMAZONAMAZONAMAZON. Why? Because we’re a funopoly!
That’s right — like Google and Microsoft and Ma Bell before us, we’re so good at what we do that you don’t need anyone else. And that means you’re subject to any of our awesome whimsies or poorly conceived fantastideas, and all you can do it shout your love of our deathgrip on literature and battery powered devices to the interwebs via blogs and twitter. Because even when you want to rank us as 1 star in your heart, you’ll still come back for that new Twilight paperback. Every fucking time.
*giggle!*
I still blame massive incompetence over a deliberate attempt to censor liberalism and piss of a huge chunk of customers, but that doesn’t negate your point one jot.
Damnit! “piss off”, not “piss of”!