Comments on: That Time of Year Again

By: Antigone

Antigone — Sun, 30 Nov 2008 19:52:07 +0000

My question is why do you let them get away with disrespecting your beliefs and values? Why you have to be the one to compromise? If they really love you then they would love you for who you are not ask you to pretend to be someone else. Maybe you should just have holiday’s at your house. Then you can set the rules. I think the idea of visiting them at another less loaded time of year sounds like a plan. As for your husband wanting to maintain good relations with his family- same question. Why are you the one who has to keep you mouth shut in order to make that happen?

Sheer numbers, family peace, and wasted breath. I’m outnumbered there about oh, 20-1 (I think some of the cousins might be moderately liberal), and I’m up against families that are big on people knowing their place. Family peace, because it ends up with pained expressions, tears, and screaming if I bring it up too much. And finally, wasted breathe, because they don’t even comprehend that a) they are disrespecting my beliefs and b) that’s something they should be concerned about.

There are some things that I’m not willing to compromise on (blatant -isms are where I draw the line) but for the most part, I go through it because they are still my family, and I’ve internalized that I have some level of obligation to love them.

By: Annie

Annie — Sun, 30 Nov 2008 12:15:14 +0000

“Being right and/or logical is considered the equivalent of flashing money around. Just ugly, like you’re showing off to the less fortunate.”

Hahaha. Best comment on this thread.

Every time I hear about someone struggling to get along with their family because of their different ideologies (liberal vs conservative, Christian vs atheist, etc) I thank my lucky stars for my liberal, heathen, feminist parents, who are totally batshit crazy in their own way.

I still hate visiting at Christmas, though.

By: Froth

Froth — Sun, 30 Nov 2008 06:05:23 +0000

My parents managed it by spending one Christmas with each of their families while they were dating and engaged, and as soon as they were married saying “We’re having our own Christmas together; we’ll see you at some point in the season,” and sticking to it. It helped that they got married a fortnight before Christmas.
They ended up spending some truly miserable Boxing Day’s with Dad’s family, whose younger brother married a woman who is not an intellectual match for the rest of the family and spends her time being subtly malicious to make up for it. (No offence meant to her intelligence – dad’s family are a very smart bunch. My little cousin who gets reliable B’s stands out as the stupid one.)
After a few years, certainly before I got old enough to remember, they instituted the Grand Present Swap, whereby Dad’s family all meet up around this time of year and have lunch. Bags of presents get exchanged for placing under trees and we all go for a walk and have three different conversations at once, because there are fourteen of us. It’s a good system, because I don’t have to smile at my least favourite aunt and thank her for her inevitably rubbish present. Or talk to her or her daughters much.

I find this system of making Christmas your own and spending Boxing Day with friends, and seeing family for half a day or a day at some point when the tinsel is up, to be such an excellent one that I shall adopt it immediately the question arises.

By: violet

violet — Sun, 30 Nov 2008 00:02:17 +0000

(Fun fact, the Romans complained that Saturnalia was getting too commercial.)

This fact is enormously fun.

By: Lina Kirkwood

Lina Kirkwood — Sat, 29 Nov 2008 23:30:51 +0000

I’m relieved; there’s so much suffering at family holidays for me, and I somehow supposed that I was alone in this.

I’m still treated as though my words have no weight, and my opinions have no valor. I’m 25, unmarried and unengaged, and unlikely to be either anytime soon. I don’t own a house, and I no longer work a nine-to-five. I’m doing everything wrong, according to them, even though I’ve found my own definitions of success and happiness.

My charming family patriarch (grandfather on mum’s side) actually said point-blank during a family holiday dinner that I was, “wasting my degree.” No one stood up for me, defended me, said anything in my favor and I didn’t want to stir up trouble by actively explaining what I was up to. I was working three jobs at upwards of 60/70 hours a week and I was exhausted. All of my energy was put towards paying bills and avoiding moving back in with my parents.

I’m too old to play with the kids, and disinterested in sports and whatever else it is they deem acceptable to discuss. Certainly books, religion, anything but major blockbusters in film is verboten. They don’t understand what I do in my free time, and I’ve done what they do and honestly see no need to dedicate such time to it.

It’s a bit easier than when I was an awkward adolescent, because I can drink. Drinking *too* much, some mystical amount, is equally problematic. I repeat the same tired stories to every uncle and cousin and other random relative. I work x, y, z, job, I live in x place, I’ve be doing y in my free time. It’s a short, two minute spiel and I hate every second of its lies.

My room mate and I declared a family-free holiday this year. I also worked Thanksgiving day and the weekend following, which has made it easier. I plan on working Christmas too, even if I’m not. “Oops! Sorry, family-mine. I’m working in a down-turn economy and I just can’t get time off and risk losing my job!” I look forward to saying that so. damn. much.

By: Puella

Puella — Sat, 29 Nov 2008 16:57:39 +0000

My trick: fly in for dinner. Stupidly expensive and time-consuming, but just enough time for “family! You aren’t so bad!” and in return they say “hey! We like to see you, even though if you were to stay longer we would call you hell spawn!” and I can usually not say anything offencive for 3 hours (after a few days of holding it in I, personally, just end up making a point over something pretty random).

(Fun fact, the Romans complained that Saturnalia was getting too commercial.)

By: Carl

Carl — Sat, 29 Nov 2008 14:53:26 +0000

I found your blog through feministing and enjoyed this post. My question is why do you let them get away with disrespecting your beliefs and values? Why you have to be the one to compromise? If they really love you then they would love you for who you are not ask you to pretend to be someone else. Maybe you should just have holiday’s at your house. Then you can set the rules. I think the idea of visiting them at another less loaded time of year sounds like a plan. As for your husband wanting to maintain good relations with his family- same question. Why are you the one who has to keep you mouth shut in order to make that happen?

By: falco

falco — Sat, 29 Nov 2008 06:12:51 +0000

I have the church problem too. It gets more and more awkward every year to go… I’m dreading it this year, because either I’ll have to go or it’ll turn into some ridiculous argument that I’ll probably lose due to being outnumbered.
Present shopping is kind of rough, too, because everyone I’m supposed to buy things for, I haven’t seen since August. I don’t want to waste time and money on crap no one’s ever going to look at again just because I’m *supposed* to.
Basically, I’m looking forward to seeing my family again, but I’m not looking forward to the actual Christmas part.

By: Rebecca

Rebecca — Sat, 29 Nov 2008 04:14:26 +0000

When I was a kid with my two brothers, we always did the same thing – Xmas eve to my aunt’s party and then to late church, then Xmas morning at home. I guess I took for granted that I got to sleep on Xmas eve and spend Xmas day in my own bed/home. Now that I am in my mid-20s, in a LT relationship and no kids, things aren’t so simple. We have to choose which days we spend with which side of the family, his or mine. Of course they all say “you’re adults now, do what you want” but I don’t think that’s what they really mean. I love seeing MY family at Xmas; I don’t even mind going to church, especially since it’s 100% optional, it’s a relatively non-crazy denomination, and most people are drunk anyway. But I don’t like being forced to do this calculating choosing dance between my family and my boyfriend’s family, since my family is all relatively easygoing (if a tad predictable in their conversations) and my boyfriend’s mother is, well, controlling and neurotic. But my boyfriend says “I want to be where you are” but I know he wants to see his Mom, so gee, no pressure there! I just get the impression that I’d be free to spend Xmas at my own home, no pressure, if I just had kids. Like somehow if we are childless, our time, our holiday, is not ours. It’s enough to make a girl go bah! humbug.

By: Lisa Kansas

Lisa Kansas — Sat, 29 Nov 2008 01:50:38 +0000

“I quit visiting my family at the holidays, and instead go see them at some other random time of the year.”

Miss Julie, that may be the best advice ever.