It’s the Halloween season again, and I for one am thrilled. Corn mazes, haunted houses, Halloween parties and guys who think they’re funny giving me an easy intro back into blogging. That’s right, it’s the return of perennial Slut-O-Ween opinion pieces.
Over the past week or so, I’ve done a lot of Halloween shopping. Bob, you gigantic nerd, you’re thinking. What are you doing shopping for Halloween stuff in September? You truly are a titan of thunderous stupidity.
Yes, “titan of thunderous stupidity.” That’s where we start. Get ready for a heartbreaking work of staggeringly hilarious slut-shaming genius. Oh, and subtlety. I don’t want to spoil it for you, but Bob’s impressive vocabulary and concern for his precocious step-daughter don’t do a great job of masking his real All-Saint’s-Day-Eve bitch. Can you guess what he’s really saying by the end of this post? Try it!
But we also noticed something else that we found a little annoying. Halloween costumes, it seems, have fallen into two general buckets. First, there are the costumes for men and boys. Second – and this is the far larger of the two buckets, from what I’ve seen – there are the costumes for hookers.
Don’t worry about it too much, Bob. For last year on my campus, boys were stripping down and slutting up for Halloween in record numbers. The end of October in Ohio isn’t great for slutty costumes, so it was a bit nipply in the streets for all genders, if you get my drift.
Shopping for Halloween costumes these days is a lot like hanging out at Dr. John’s, but with less personal lubricant. Everywhere you look, there’s a Naughty Nurse or a Slinky Vampire or a Just Trying To Pay For College Police Officer. It’s crazy.
Can I ask you something? What is the deal with Halloween costumes? /Seinfeld, -10 points for your shitty segues.
Still, though, we were surprised at the fact that this was even an issue we had to deal with at all. Since when did Halloween turn into Dracula-Meets-Caligula? Listen, don’t get me wrong. I’m a guy. As a guy, I’m a huge fan of 22-year-old girls showing up at Halloween parties dressed like they’re going to spend the evening giving lap dances. I’m a little bit upset that this trend arrived on college campuses well after I graduated, but you know, I just need to let that go.
Dracula-meets-Caligula? I’m going to assume that Dracula represents traditional Halloween and Caligula represents slutdom. There are several reasons why this is not a great analogy. First off, it’s well known to any vampire fan that the vampires represent forbidden lust, and that a proper vampire novel should be indistinguishable from erotica. Caligula is not a great example of wanton slutness, despite his sexual perversity, because he was better known for being a tyrant, and his sexual antics were way freakier than just showing too much leg once a year, you know, because he was insane. Also, Cali was a guy and we’re slut shaming women here. But, not all women. Just the fat ones.
The thing about this whole trend toward Hookerween is that, well, this isn’t a college town. There are plenty of women in this town who can pull off a I’m Sorry Did I Drop My Pencil Pirate costume and really rock it. God love ‘em; they make the world go round. But, I’ve been to the mall. I’ve been to Six Flags. I’ve eaten at Old Country Buffet. This town needs somewhat more modest Halloween costumes, and it needs lots of them. Heck, not just this town. Most towns.
Bwaa haa haa! Get it? Fat women in tight clothes make his penis limp! Oh, god, it’s hilarious. This guy is such a great writer, and it’s easy to see why his blurb at the end of the column namechecks both Amazon and Facebook.
The end of the column is only noteable for the shout-out about how attractive his wife is (“Don’t get mad, honey, when I said fat old women can’t hold a candle to hot ass 22 year olds, of course I make an exception for you”), and of course craven groveling to the spouse at the end of a lame column where you use her daughter as an excuse to tell women which ones you think should be skanking it up is the hallmark of a ballsy, excellent humor writer who will certainly be very successful someday.
Buried in all that stupidity is a point: not every woman wants to dress in skin-tight and short costumes. First and foremost, October is cold. Secondly, not all of us fit into it. But, both of those reasons are about women’s wants and desires, not guys, so I guess it doesn’t count.
But hey: I’m still bitter that Target doesn’t have a Dr. Horrible costume, and I haven’t been able to find one online for less than 50.
I’ve got a few extra pounds myself, but it’s halloween and if I want to slut it up, that asshole isn’t going to stop me. It’s true that October is cold, I have a ton of childhood Halloween memories that involve the perfect costume being ruined by my mom’s insistance on jackets, wool tights and sensible shoes.
But I’m not going to give this guy credit for the one tiny slice of reason his column may hint at; he lost my sympathy when he decided to take a tired subject and be not funny or even kind of original about it for 500 words. He’s basically counting on the slut/fattie-shaming to do the heavy lifting, and judging from the comments section, it did.
To be perfectly clear: my comment wasn’t meant to slut shame at ALL. If you want to wear string and stickers, that’s your fun. I just meant that I wish there was more variety.
To be perfectly clear: my comment wasn’t meant to slut shame at ALL. If you want to wear string and stickers, that’s your fun.
Alas that I could, but like most people, I carry my extra pounds in such a way that the usual trappings of sexy look ridiculous on me. By the time we’re down to strings, it’s better for everyone to just go to straight nudity. But like most pudgy, big-boobed women, I can rock a corset like there’s no tomorrow.
Last year I was a Feminazi. It may have been my best costume ever. (This year my Renaissance Festival jester costume’s doing double-duty.)
I’ll just sit here and imagine a “sexy feminazi” costume.
(sigh)
For authenticity, though, I cornrowed my leg hair.
Oh Damn….just give me a second….. (deep intake of breath)
Daaayyyum that’s hot.
Wanna get married? (I get half)
I actually came up with an artist’s reconstruction of a “sexy feminist” costume once.
If I can find it, I’ll post it here.
Found it!
http://i31.photobucket.com/albums/c400/Genetic_Mishap/sexyfeministcostume.jpg
And of course, there’s this classic.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V4rUiV_Hh74
…yeah…not big on the sexy feminist cartoon…the video kills me, but mostly because it’s so true.
That video is always running through the back of my mind when I’m at the Halloween store (which is relatively often). The last time I was there I ran across “Sexy Ghostbuster” (actual title) and just lost it.
“Sexy Ghostbuster”
My day is now ruined.
LOL
Could you please describe said costume?…..cause I’m at a loss…
It was made up of a khaki-colored short-sleeved shirt and hot pants with Ghostbuster logos on them, and maybe some piece that resembled their plasma-vacuum dealies from the movie, I’m not sure. Standard sexxxy costuming methods really: take an actual costume that resembles what it’s supposed to be and then alter it to show as much skin as possible.
Holy cats it’s so much worse than I remembered it! If your gorge can endure:
http://www.ghostbustercostumes.com/sexy_ghostbuster.htm
Thanks for explaining. That analogy baffled me.
About the only thing that makes that costume “sexy” is the fact that it’s undone to her waist.