Today I went through the wedding gifts, to send out the thank you cards and to cash the cheques (hey, I’m a starving law student). Or rather, I should say that I tried to cash the wedding cheques. I discovered that I was unable to cash a single, solitary cheque. Why? Because not a single one of them was written to me, Antigone Myname. ALL of them were addressed to Mr. Hubby Hisname, or Mr. Hubby and Mrs. Antigone Hisname or (most annoyingly) Mr. and Mrs. Hubby Hisname. Every. Single. One. And I know that people were told that I was keeping my own name.
So I cannot cash any cheques singularly, which means I have to wait for my husband to come down from flying, which means that we’ll have to put all the cheque money into his bank account. It’s a little humiliating, actually: it’s like I’m now just an appendage of my husband. I couldn’t imagine how I’d feel if I HAD taken his name. It also makes me a little grateful to feminists; this is bothersome, but ultimately I can live with it. I don’t know how I’d feel if I could no longer sign a contract, or buy a house, or get a loan for just myself without my husband. I am so grateful for what I can do while furious about what I cannot, because I’m a girl who had the audacity to get married and want to still have the right to self-identify.
Anyway, my question is this: when I’m writing the wedding thank-yous, is there a good way to subtly (or not so subtly) remind people that I am keeping my name? Or would it be rude to say anything at all? I was thinking Hubby and I would just sign our respective names, so people were subtly reminded that our names are different. Thoughts?
I think your idea to just sign both your names is subtle but clear enough. It’s their first piece of mail from you both post-wedding so it will be a good reminder!
As to your final question, I’d sign the thank you cards — or have him sign them with you — him with Mr. His name and you with your name. I might then mention to whoever is your family Paul Revere that, hm, curious, SOME people didn’t seem to have heard that, here in the 21st century, you were not changing your name: how odd!
Which yeah, right. I still, after 15 years of marriage, have relatives who (snottily) address me by the wrong name. They ain’t gone act like that feminist crap is valid.
Don’t send thank-you cards to people who didn’t actually send you (as in, made out to your legal name) a check. That’d be pretty subtle.
I think signing off with different names would be good. Subsequent to that, I’d suggest returning any further correspondence addressed to Mrs. HisName – that’s how I got my mother to stop addressing letters and packages that way. If Mrs. Hisname isn’t your name, you should flat out refuse to open anything addressed that way.
The thing with not writing a thank you note to people who didn’t make out checks to you is that if your husband does, they probably won’t think twice about it – they’ve already assumed that your identity’s been absorbed into his so why shouldn’t he speak for you. Sending thank yous with your name clearly spelled out for all to see, on the other hand, is much more clear. And yeah, why not throw in a reference to how weird it is that people didn’t remember to leave your name as it’s always been. I mean, it’s not like you’re asking them to adjust to anything new.
Write the thanks you notes with your proper names, then at the next family function, describe the situation as a hilarious adventure. Only take way too long to finish the fucking story, so they remember.
I went through this exact scenario when I got married. I decided to take the charitable view that my decision to keep my name hadn’t quite sunk in for many people, and that this is actually somewhat understandable given that most women DO change their names. Also these people were giving us money, so I didn’t want to be too snotty. So I sent very nice “thank you” letters. At the end, I said “P.S. By the way, I wanted to let you know that I will continue to be “Margaret MyName” both socially and professionally. My husband will be “Husband HisName.”"
After that, I haven’t had a problem with any of our friends or relatives except my own damn parents, who continued to address mail “Mr. and Mrs. Husband HisName” for several years despite repeated admonitions to stop it. Because they were close enough to me, I felt comfortable enough to throw a fit eventually, and they now address us properly Now I only get that crap from telemarketers.
When I was a kid,I seem to remember my mom, and all my friend’s moms, being excellent forgers. There were fathers in my neighborhood who didn’t know how much they grossed a week because they never signed their own checks. After 15 or so years of this, some guys had trouble cashing checks they personally signed because the signature wasn’t quite right. Direct deposit made a lot of honest women.
This probably ties in really well with Lisa’s MRA posts. Most MRAs are obsessed with money, and ostensibly, the old ways allowed men to keep a tight rein on their women’s finances. But reality often works out differently, and of course part of the job of managing the home involves managing the money, which means you have to have access to it and control over it, however you achieve that control. Part of the reason a more egalitarian approach scares them is because they feel at a disadvantage in a system designed to give them complete control, so they can’t imagine how screwed they’d be if we all played fair. Not as screwed as they think, obviously, but try convincing them of that.
In your case, you have a relationship that doesn’t involve this song and dance and you are trying to make that very clear with your choice of name, but the song and dance is so ingrained in how we do business that the very act of avoiding it has caused it to fuck you at least as hard as it did for women in the 70′s. If you don’t clear this up with the people who write you checks, your only option will be to become very good at signing your husband’s name.
We made some address labels that clearly had both out full names on them and used them on all thank-yous. This was apparently too subtle. I like Kyso’s solution of telling the story to the family in a mildly obnoxious way.
In most cases, the people who get it wrong are my extended family, which makes it hard for me to be too much of an asshole about it. The worst one is my grandma, who actually send my individual mail (like b-day cards) to “Mrs. Hisfirst Hislast” now. But she’s 90, and entitled to be a little retro about such things. Some things I’m happier letting slide, y’know?
Wow. How incredibly Handmaid’s Tale. I would very clearly sign both individual names and make sure the return address also used both. I always look at the return address labels for cues on how to address people.
I like Kyso’s idea.
Heh. My boyfriend is on my health insurance as my “domestic partner” and just the other day, got some mail addressed to “HisFirstName MyExHusbandsLastName.” People and institutions just clearly cannot COPE, though I did get a grin out of the involuntary endorsement of gay marriage there. He was less excited to find himself regarded as the ex-spouse of my previous husband, though.
I think I probably will follow Kyso’s advice. I’m sure I can find someone to bringing up at Thanksgiving.
Gah. My solution to this has been to not marry again
But honestly, what utter fuckery…