The Continuing Saga of Last Names
Published by Antigone July 24th, 2008 in Punkass!As those of you on this blog know, I decided to keep my last name upon marrying Hubby, and he choose to do the same. We are Ms. Antigone Myname and Mr. Hubby Hisname. Aside from the very minor problems we have been having with our respective families (what are you going to do about children? Who said we wanted any?), and a few of our friends (don’t you think that looks like you’re not very committed?), this hasn’t been that big of a deal. We got married, we didn’t fuse each other at the hip.
But lately, we’ve been running into an increasing number of problems, from government organizations. Now, since this is North Dakota, I don’t truly expect them to be on the cutting edge of social justice, but there bureaucratic hangups have started to be annoying.
First, Hubby moved in with me, so my name is the primary leaseholder, but he is on the lease. But, even though he’s on the lease, they still won’t tell him what our rent and utilities are a month. Yesterday, he went to the housing office to pay rent, and he had to guess how much money he needed to put in to cover expenses. It’s really ridiculous.
Last week, I got the title to my car in the mail, and it had the name as “Ms. Antigone Hisname and Mr. Hubby Hisname”. I called up the state DMV, and explained to the clerk that my name was Antigone MYNAME, not Hisname. She looked at the records she had, said “You’re right, you signed your name as Antigone Myname, we are sorry about the mistake. Please just send back the title to the same address, with a note explaining what’s wrong, and we’ll correct this name problem.” So, I sent the title back, and today I got it returned with my name fixed- and his name now “Hubby Myname”. So I called up the nice lady again, and we had the following exchange.
Me: I’m afraid we have a problem. I and my husband have a title to my car, and last week you had it Antigone Hisname and Hubby Hisname. I called up, saying that MY name was wrong, and this week you sent back a letter with Antigone Myname and Hubby Myname”.
Lady: What’s the problem?
Me: Now his name is wrong. His name is “Hubby Hisname”, not Myname.
Lady: I thought you said he was your husband; are you guys not married yet? If you’re not married, we’re going to have to send you a different form for joint title-holding.
Me: No, we’re married; we just both choose to keep our own names.
Lady: Why?
Me: Um, it was easier this way. Why, is this a problem?
Lady: (sounding a little embarrassed) No, I’m very sorry for the mistake. You guys BOTH signed your own names, it was just a mix-up. Please send the title back again, with a note saying that your names are different and we shall fix it. Sorry for the inconvenience.
In the grand scheme of things, these things are minor inconveniences- not worthy mentioning in the face of huge problems. But, they do add up. If my choice to keep my own last name upon that was truly what I said it was, a choice, there wouldn’t be these kinds of problems. I wouldn’t have to worry about carrying around my marriage certificate just because my name is different. If the choice to keep my name over changing it was a toss-up, there would be no problems in convincing people that I was really married. And if it was all about us having the same last name, it wouldn’t be just me, and not my husband, that has to deal with all of these problems.
To be fair, it clearly isn’t JUST you, since you began this post by describing the difficulty your husband had in paying the proper rent/bill amount.
I would have been surprised if you’d said you didn’t have the majority of the differing-names problems, though.
True enough- and it becomes his problem because he actually cares about me, and how stressed this gets. To his credit, he never suggests, insinuates, or acts like I’m being unreasonable for keeping my own name.
I have no desire to get married, and since I don’t date, likely never will. I aspire to spinsterhood. But should the unthinkable happen, I probably would take his name, unless it were horrible. Not because of TEH PATRIARCHY, but just because I’ve never felt very attached to my last name. I was much closer, growing up, to my step-father than to my biological father. (And still would be, but bio dad died 10 years ago, so it’s moot.) And no one’s ever pronounced my name correctly in 33 years.
A couple times a year I think of changing it to my mother’s or grandmother’s maiden name, or to “Fitzgerald”, which was my maternal grandfather’s father’s last name (but not my grandfather’s, because his parents were actually never married and he carried his step-father’s last name–southern families are confusing). But I’m lazy.
Fav part of your whole story: Mrs. Antigone Myname and Mr. Hubby Hisname.
Whoa-man June, that is a confusing web of family and names.
Yeah, trying to keep up with that whole illusion of anonomousness
. And it’s “Ms.”- for some reason “Mrs.” doesn’t sit right with me.
I just got married and did change my name, now I am trying to deal with it all while also handling immigration stuff for my husband and I feel like I have a billion errands and calls trying to get it all worked out. I am actually kinda comforted that not changing your name also comes with its own pains in the ass. Gives me less stress over whether I made the right choice.
Yep, women’s choices are always wrong, and a hassle, no matter what they are
.
When I didn’t take my husband’s name — which he had no problem with, btw — my father-in-law also had no problem with it. He called me dr. delagar from the get go (he was Jewish, of course, so the whole dr. thing was a big plus for him). But *my* side of the family, ai, I’ve never stopped getting shit from them. Which, you can bet, if I *had* taken his name, I’d be getting shit too — ooo, I thought you were such a feminist, why’d you take his name
Gumbyanne - snap, except that it’s me who’s immigrating, not my husband. And guess what, because the immigration process is dragging, my first attempt to get my name changed failed, and I now can’t do it for another few months or so. Damned if you do and damned if you don’t. :/ Husband keeps asking me if I just want to forget about it and keep my own, but I really don’t.
I’ve been married for years and years without having changed my name — and I gotta admit that I have never had any kind of bureaucratic hassle or social disapproval (other than one-time harsh words from a very elderly aunt).
I do find it vaguely irritating when social acquaintainces address mail to us as Mr. and Mrs. Husband’s Name, or when telemarketers address me as Mrs. Husband’s Name. But at least with the telemarketers, I have the satisfaction of politely correcting them on the spot.
my parents kept their names also. ppl seem to ignore that all the time though and so it’s almost like my mom has TWO names. some stuff says my dad’s last name, and some hers, but legally, she kept her name. my dad hasn’t had anyone assuming he took her name. when i was trying to get a driver’s license, they didn’t believe my mom was really my mother and wanted my mom’s wedding certificate to prove she was my mother!
i had to come back w/ my dad to get it.
another funny thing is when i call my bank, they always ask me, “what’s ur mother’s maiden name?” as a security question, which seems silly. i mean, her maiden name is her CURRENT name. i tried to tell them that once, and they didn’t seem to understand…
related to names, but not last names, my first name (casey) can be used for both genders. i don’t sound like a guy. still, ppl on the phone all the time call me SIR or mr. mylastname. even after i CORRECT them, they go on calling me sir. wtf? and mail is always in my dad’s name even though i haven’t lived with him for 10 years. (dear mr. mylastname)