“Men” and “mankind” apparently not being defined to include “ambulatory wombs.”
Published by Lisa Kansas July 21st, 2008 in For the ladies, Historical Wankery, Family, Shame on you for being a woman, My Brain Hurts, Human Rights, Culture
After having spent my adult life variously not being a mom, being a married mom, being a single mom, being a mom who stayed at home and being a mom who worked outside the home, I have come to the conclusion that if you are a fertile woman of childbearing years, no matter what you’re doing in terms of marriage and motherhood and career, you’re wrong. To wit:
1. You’re married, you get pregnant, choose to give birth, and decide to stay at home with the baby.
Lazy! Self-indulgent! and just GIVING away all the advances women have made in terms of career equality! Get a job!
2. You’re married, you get pregnant, choose to give birth, and decide to work outside the home without the baby.
Selfish! It isn’t all about YOU and YOUR fulfillment anymore, you have a child to think of now! you just don’t want to have to live within your means! You need to raise your OWN child!
3. You’re married, you get pregnant and choose to have an abortion.
Murderer! If you didn’t want to have kids you should have gotten your tubes tied! If you have a husband and a home, there is no excuse for not stepping up to the plate and carrying that life you created to term!
4. You’re married and you choose not to get pregnant.
Immature! Self-centered! Look at Europe–do you want to see our culture crash too? It isn’t all about you, you have a duty to society! It’s time to GROW UP and take on your responsibilities!
5. You’re not married, you get pregnant, choose to give birth, and decide to stay at home with the baby.
Leech! It isn’t society’s responsibility to care for your child conceived due to your irresponsible behavior! Get out there and get a job!
6. You’re not married, you get pregnant, choose to give birth, and decide to work outside the home without the baby.
Slut! Our culture is collapsing because of the explosion of all you single mothers! Why didn’t you give that baby to a real family that could raise it properly instead of shoving it off onto strangers!
7. You’re not married, you get pregnant and choose to have an abortion.
Slut! And now you think it’s okay to take another human life so you can just erase your careless, selfish behavior! You spread your legs, now you need to step up the the plate and take your medicine like an adult!
8. You’re not married and you choose not to get pregnant.
What’s wrong with you? Are you that ugly and unpleasant that no man wants to commit to you, or are you just a selfish whore?
It’s pretty flawless in its circularity, too–like a Monopoly board, except that you never actually get to pass GO–more like getting a Go directly to jail! card every time you start to get close.
Rarely have I seen such a situation that allows virtually no way out into approval. After I realized this, it kept returning to me, preying on my mind–why is it so perfect in its censoriousness? How can that be? Surely there is some kind of trend that leads more to approval than disapproval–generally, when something isn’t approved by society, there is a corresponding approved mode of behavior that, if the persons being disapproved of switched to, would result in their general approval instead. But here, all modes are disapproved of. Is that even really possible in a functional culture..?
It is, and I finally figured out the how of it. The above scenarios, where there is no right choice, is just the surface of the situation. What’s really being globally disapproved of here is that women have a choice at all.
It’s so simple when you finally realize that. Of course all choices are disapproved of, because it’s HAVING A CHOICE that’s the problem. If women, for instance, in all those situations, had to do what their husbands or if unmarried, their fathers, told them to do about each particular situation, society in general would cease censuring them regardless of what the choice was. For evidence, look at cultures where women are married off by their fathers–there is never any censure directed at them, nor is there censure directed at their fathers generally speaking. Oh yes, early marriage is so sad! but aside from the woman-as-victim, there are no other actors ever presented as being at fault. I have yet to read an article that actually blames any individual father or husband for the marriage. Look at cultures where abortion and birth control are illegal. Nobody ever blames the women for how many or how few children they have, or whether or not they are working outside the home or not–because they have no choice. Or cultures where abortion and sterilization are required by law after a certain number of children are borne. And again, I have yet to read the article that ever holds any husbands or fathers culpable either–no actual individuals are ever to blame for whatever situation is in effect. As long as the women involved had no choice.
So I have the intellectual satisfaction of solving the mechanics of a puzzle that has troubled me for some time. Unfortunately, I have yet to figure out the why of it. Why, in a country purportedly founded upon the rights of the individual to choose any number of things–why we have created a situation where doing so is overwhelmingly disapproved of, a situation where the only fix in terms of general societal approval would be to remove entirely that right..? Why is the individual’s pursuit of life, liberty and happiness constrained so much more heavily by loudly exhorted mores only when the individual is a fertile woman of childbearing years..?
GREATEST. POST. EVER.
I sent it to you.
It could be because women with working uteruses (uteri?) aren’t really considered people in this culture. Not that we are in those other cultures either, but at least they are up front about it. Here, we like to pretend that women are entitled our lives and choices, but it’s only a front. Life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness only apply to those considered to be actual human beings, not women of childbearing age and not children. And when we have the gall to actually act like real human beings, we court disapproval.
Immature! Self-centered! Look at Europe–do you want to see our culture crash too?
I really, really don’t get this one. If Europe’s culture has crashed, I think the Europeans should be informed, because most of us don’t seem to have noticed. Only the extreme right here have been made aware of this disaster, and even then they seem less troubled by it as a group than the US extreme right is. They have not, for example, attempted to fight economic discrimination against mothers, and lobby for the right of men to take parental leave so mothers can keep their jobs after having a child, so I can only conclude that they’re less serious about facing this invisible horror than their chiding US counterparts who make pronouncements from far away.
The sekrit hidden meme here is ‘WHY OH WHY can’t WHITE European women be more like BROWN European women?’ - tasty if you like some racism with your sexism. White European women - all of them, every one! - are having careers instead of families, so brown European women - all of them, every one! - are filling our culture (you know, that monolithic European culture that totally hasn’t been trying to rip itself to bits for the whole of recorded history) with brown European babies, which is apparently not the same as having white European babies, can’t imagine why. Polish women are Europe’s heroes, because they’re white AND they go to church AND they have babies. Unless they do these things in London, in which case they are trying to destroy European culture.
I second Greatest Post Ever!! It seems in this country, the biggest meme is that government shouldn’t interfere in your life. If I want to own 38 fully automatic AK-47’s, its my right. If I want to hunt and kill endangered species, making them extinct species, its my right. If I want to force prayer on kids in school, teach creationism, and harass any non-Christians, thats my right. Its America, dammit. Its like a commercial with a disclaimer at the end: all rights reserved and protected, except if you’re a woman, gay, or non-white.
Nail. Hammer. Bang.
I don’t disagree that there are people out there who will find something wrong with every choice you make, but that goes true for everyone. If i buy a Prius, i’m hurting the enviornment by not riding a bike! If i ride a bike I’m some sort of lunatic hippie, etc. If you’re creative enough you could come up with a negative response for any decision no matter what gender, lifestyle, income, whatever. I think there are more telling reasons why women have a difficult time than this.
Shawn, are you honestly comparing the censure that Americans experience buying a Prius to the kind of criticisms listed above? Honestly, I’ve never heard anyone criticize someone for buying a Prius. As for car purchases though, as much as people whine that the purchase of, say, a gas guzzling SUV is a bad idea, or harmful to the environment, I have yet to hear of Congress telling American consumers that they can’t be trusted with the decision to buy or not buy the right car, so American car dealer will now choose whether or not they think you’re making the right decision by purchasing their SUVs. Nor will you hear that if someone rides a bike rather than driving a car, if they get hit by someone in an SUV and die, it was their fault for being out on the road.
On the other hand, the choice whether or not to control one’s own fertility as a woman, be it through contraceptives, abortion, or even sterilization, is a constant topic for legislators and the judiciary. Women’s votes are often held hostage by the threat that, if you don’t vote for the Democratic candidate, Roe will be overturned and thus, more bodily autonomy for women will be lost (regardless of that candidates other stances). Single mothers are often blamed by legislators as a cause of poverty, particularly if they are women of color, because of a refusal or inability to marry. I just had an IUD put in, and my doctor was only willing to do so, despite me not having children, because she knows me personally and feels that my family’s medical background made me better suited than most for the procedure. Men’s vasectomy centers are advertised on billboards. Right next to the billboards condemning women who abort as murderers.
Check your privilege.
Look at cultures where abortion and birth control are illegal. Nobody ever blames the women for how many or how few children they have, or whether or not they are working outside the home or not–because they have no choice.
-just wanted to add that I’m not certain that this is true. In patriarchal cultures women are often blamed for a couple’s infertility, and blamed if all their children are female (which I guess is considered to be a special case of infertility. Fertility is when women act as torchbearers for masculinity, amiright?) Women are blamed if their children are disabled, or emotionally/behaviourally unusual. Women have always been blamed if their children are illegitimate, birth control or no.
I think there’s pitfalls in place even in cases of no BC, really.
What a great post. This gets my SU approval! As a junior in college, I have friends all around me who are at different stages of this list, and I’ve heard all of these responses at one time or another given to these people. Very insightful.
~jw
Never saw it put so concisely. It’s the whole “ew girls have cooties mentality!”..except a hell of a lot meaner, nastier, and destructive. It’s society that needs to grow up and step up to the plate.
Whatever you do there is someone who will blame you for it, that’s nothing special about the womens’ choices.
Your parents will probably be disappointed if you never have a baby, but they will be happy if you do, and probably really happy if you are in a loving relationship when it’s born. The people who are angry at you for not working are happy if you have children and still stay in your job. Then other people will be angry at you, but they would probably be happy if you stayed at home.
No matter what it’s about, there is always someone who hates you for doing it. You can be a Christian - some atheists will call you stupid, if you do not believe in God they like you, but some Christians say you are the devil’s minion, if you believe in something esoteric many will make fun of you, but everyone who believes the same will love you.
Your problem(and the problem of those saying ‘best post ever’): You want to be loved by everybody. And that’s impossible, there’s always someone who will disagree with you choices. Even more, if criticizing your choices hurts you so easily, people will use this to manipulate you.
Find out what you really want and do it. And don’t let it hurt you if someone criticizes you for it.
og - um, no, women don’t want to be ‘loved by everyone’ and to avoid ‘criticism’. We want legislators to stop attempting to restrict our choices.
This post reminded me of a poem by Taslima Nasrin that I happened to hear yesterday as well. It’s on a CD of her poetry that Steve Lacy set to music, back before she rose to her current level of notoriety.
I have to generally agree. Good post, and in an overall sense, you’ve hit the nail on the head. However, kind of like men who claim universal condemnation from society, no matter what they do (believe me, if you look you’ll find the blog posts, and they are *angry*), your premise is maybe a little too global?
For each of the situations you describe at the beginning of your post, there are many people who will condemn a woman using the reasons you’ve listed (and probably more). However, for each situation, there will also be people who do not condemn her, and even some (or many, depending on the situation) who applaud her. The absoluteness of condemnation you hint at just isn’t there (though for some of your listed situations, there will be a pretty good majority of condemners).
The problem might even be restated to be that our society (in contrast to the 1950s version of us) has acquired a diversity of opinions about women’s roles, and no matter what a woman does, she cannot please everyone. But no matter what she does, she will probably please someone, even if she doesn’t aspire to be friends with that particular person.
[delurking]
Another “spot right on!” vote here.
bobbyfiend, the point is not so much whether one person or another (or even several people or another several) will approve or condemn a choice.
It’s more about the messages society as a whole - which doesn’t necessarily mean *everyone* - sends to women about the choices they make.
(Part of that is this: those random people who you randomly please with your choice? They tend not to speak up. It’s the people who disapprove who tend to stop you on the street and tell you all about it! Another — much more important — part of it is this: the argument that *someone* will be happy with the choice a woman makes also proves Lisa’s point, IMO: it shouldn’t be ABOUT other people being happy or not, it should be about the woman herself!)
Quin, gorgeous poem, and so damn true. I’m going to keep on secretly living now…
What’s a woman to do? Live her life and don’t give a fuck for the system. A system of patriarchy molded by Christanity that only loves her as far as they can control and use her.
If I were a woman I would be so militant! The government can try and come take my pill, but it will be from my cold dead hands!!!
- Synikal
ks: Word. In the timeless words of Simone de Beauvoir: “Man is defined as a human being and a woman as a female - whenever she behaves as a human being she is said to imitate the male.”
Thene: Oh yeah. Don’t get me started on the whole meme of various governments actually PAYING women to start popping out more puppies.
Esme: You put it better than I could.
Og: I can at least say for sure that I personally do not want to be loved by everybody. What I want is to be left alone by everybody. Reread Esme’s comment.
Synikal: I’m outing you. BOYFRIEND! heh.
thene: actually i didn’t say that women wanted to be loved by everyone. i said that about whoever thinks this article is totally true. because only if you need everyone with your choice, do you not see, that for every given choice (1. to 8. above) some groups of people will criticize you, but others will be fine with it.
my point: that is the case with almost any choice you make.
so applying the original argument leads to: people don’t want people to make choices.
Seriously, read Esme’s comments. It explains well the difference. If you have counterarguments to that, I’d be more than happy to debate them with you, but simply restating your original comment only allows me to restate my original response to it.
sorry to double post:
i read esme’s comment now, thanks. if it’s about the legal situation in the way she described, then it makes sense to me and i agree. i didn’t know about legal difficulties in getting (temporarily) sterilized or contraception.
Getting permanently sterilized is even harder. No matter what, though, women’s reproductive choices are seen as a fit realm for government control, from preventing conception through birth control pills, sterilization, or EC. Abortion is regulated to the point where it’s impossible for many women to get them, and the more LIBERAL of our candidates is saying that he doesn’t trust women not to get third trimester abortions when “feeling blue.” Even birth is a highly political issue (one that has been routinely discussed on this blog, I might add), ranging from condemnation of C-sections, to government restrictions on home birth.
Because, I think, we don’t genuinely value true individual expression and choice—we value the authority that comes from asserting that it’s fundamental to our society.
Hmm… that may actually warrant a bit more when I get a chance.
You left out this one:
You’re married, get pregnant, and manage to figure out a way to do paid work from home while caring for your baby.
Slacker! You aren’t devoting enough time and energy to your job or your child!
I was directed here through the blog carnival, and I’d like to say this is a wonderful post.
Another way to look at this is that you are criticized because you have been given choice. In the restrictive societies you mention, there is not admonishment of the woman, but other cultures do criticize the men who are in control. So we in the west constantly criticize muslim men who head restrictive societies for the way they treat their women, because those men are the ones who make the decisions, who have the choice.
In other words, with choice comes criticism.
Not that I agree with the criticism.
Oh, can it and go bake me a pie, woman.
This looks like a thinly veiled attempt at creating a discussion about abortion. “Woman’s right over her body” etc. I’ll admit that I’m pro-life (as an atheist even, woah what??), so since I’m doubting anyone will want to hear any opinion of that, I’ll re-state the point that’s been made a few times already: Choices bring consequences.
I’m a man, so I’m not even going to pretend that I know what women are going through when they make the choices they do, but has anyone considered the feminist ideal as the cause of the critical judgements of choices? Because, being as close to an average person as I can imagine, I’ve got quite a few judgemental thoughts on several of those scenarios, but others are either workable or exceptional. In either case, unless there’s a child in a bad situation, I’ll leave the woman to her devices unless they ask my opinion.
The point of that is, who’s doing the real criticizing? I’m thinking that it’s mostly other women who made a different choice. Or powerful people on soapboxes, but who really takes them seriously nowadays anyway?
Oh, one other thing: Buy a hummer, commie!