I Flatly Refuse to Blog About the Democratic Primaries Any More
Published by Lisa Kansas June 2nd, 2008 in Sex, another fucking sex post, He stuck his WHAT in her WHERE!?, RelationshipsAdmittedly I’ve only blogged about them once so far. But I’ve THOUGHT about blogging about them a lot more!! I just haven’t gotten around to it, and now that they’re almost over, there just doesn’t seem to be a point. Besides, there’s no way in heck I can compete with what else is going on on the topic out in the blogosphere.
So instead I’m gonna talk about sex!
Note: The phenomenon I am about to discuss may only be a dynamic of heterosexual encounters.
Something I have noticed over the years is that my focus during sex and the focus of my partner, while complementary, are really very different. Generally, when we are having genital intercourse, I am striving to have an orgasm. My partner, on the other hand, generally is striving not to have an orgasm.
I cannot help but think that this makes sex a very different sort of situation for each of us. Complimentary, as I said–the reason he is striving not to have an orgasm is to give me time to have one. (Or more, if Fortuna favors me!)
The psychological divide alone is kind of fascinating. The ultimate pleasure is something that he has without question–the only question is how long he can force his body to delay it. There is usually no doubt that he will have it; it is the natural conclusion of his every genital sexual encounter. For me, there is no “natural” conclusion; I do not by default end every genital sexual encounter in orgasm. As a general rule, it is a result of effort and concentration by both parties–much more of a deliberately created event.
Men and women both often say to a cared-for partner, “I get the most pleasure out of pleasing you!” And they may or may not both mean it, depending upon the individuals in question…but even if they both do mean it, they don’t really mean the same thing by it. For a man, there is no sacrifice inherent in that statement–he is going to have his pleasure eventually no matter what if genital intercourse is part of the encounter. It’s perhaps a less self-sacrificing stance than the same attitude displayed by a woman–a woman with this attitude might well be giving up her own orgasm completely by acting out this noble sentiment.
The situation in which this dynamic shifts and becomes a truly equal situation is when one partner is performing oral sex on the other. I wonder if that’s one reason why so many women like receiving it so much, and why the men who really like doing it tend to be the men who are the most interested in their partner’s successful orgasm. I also wonder if that’s one reason some women don’t like performing it–tired already of a general lack of ultimate sexual satisfaction, engaging in an act that doesn’t even carry the slim hope of an orgasm for them really just becomes an overly intimate chore.
See, now, wasn’t this more fun than discussing the Democratic primaries?
For a man, there is no sacrifice inherent in that statement–he is going to have his pleasure eventually no matter what if genital intercourse is part of the encounter.
imlx that’s not always the case. Maybe 90% of the time. I guess I have a whiny vagina and an understanding partner.
I love giving oral and doing so helps me orgasm, rather than being a chore. It is part of my deliberately created event (which I think is a great distinction between male and female orgasms…I’m sure it doesn’t work for everybody but it works for me!)
For a man, there is no sacrifice inherent in that statement–he is going to have his pleasure eventually no matter what if genital intercourse is part of the encounter.
Nope. Or at least not always.
For some men, maybe. Maybe even most men. But in my long, chequered sexual history I’ve been with men who have ED, men who really don’t get off on PiV, men for whom the only sure orgasm is a manual one, and men for whom an orgasm was almost as elusive as it was for me in my less physically aware days. I’ve had other male partners for whom an orgasm was a sure outcome of the introduction of his tab A into my slot B.
Which is not to say that the partners with whom orgasm was uncertain and I haven’t had fun.
Now, this may all be because other women’s vaginas are more glittery and awesome than mine, or because I’m some sort of slouch in the sack, or because of some incompatibility with my less-orgasm-prone partners. Or I could just suck in the sack, but consensus seems to be that I don’t (though I’m sure, as with anything, there’s room for improvement), and at least some of the partners with whom orgasm has been, erm, hit and miss, have had similar difficulties with other partners.
I don’t know about the boys, but as a homosexual female human who most often tops (around 85% of sexual encounters), the dynamics in all situations/positions seem very much the same as heterosexual cunnilingual stimulation. That is, regardless of the presence of girl/girl oral.
It’s trading off orgasms, if you can. That’s why lesbian sex takes all night. (Mmm.)
(sigh) Yes, of course I realize there are exceptions to the rule in regards to men and their guaranteed genital intercourse orgasms. Assume that I did already know that. Instead of listing any more exceptions, though, can we just agree that as a general rule, men do achieve orgasm during genital intercourse with a woman simply by performing the act for a fairly short period of time, without enhancements or any other sort of interventions or any real thought being necessary to achieve this?
A whiny vagina? OMG, what a mental image.
I like performing oral too–it’s very arousal-enhancing, and it’s safe to say that the bf experiences the same thing when he performs oral (it’s nice that men have a visual indicator for arousal–takes some of the guesswork out of “soooo, what really DOES turn you on..?”).
Lisa, I’m a guy and I’m not sure I know.
…um…not sure you know what exactly..?
I was responding to the question posed in the comment before the one it looks like I’m responding to.
By the way, I like giving oral too, but while I suppose it’s harmless to pat ourselves on the back and choose to believe that this is a sign that we care about our partners, I think it’s worth clarifying that not liking to give oral shouldn’t be considered a sign that you don’t care about your partner.
I agree with you there, Quin. It’s a matter of not liking on personal preference or not liking on principle. There are things I don’t like on principle, because the thought of them makes me uncomfortable, and there are things I don’t like, because I’ve tried them and didn’t like.
I for one don’t like giving oral to a male. It has a rather practical reason even. I have too narrow nasal passages, so breathing through my nose during even relatively short periods of time is simply not enough to keep me fully conscious, of what I’m doing. And because of this I get claustrophobic when my mouth is blocked. So oral? Sure, if you wanna see me panic and by accident use teeth, where teeth shouldn’t be used.
On the other hand, I’ve never actually received much pleasure from receiving oral myself. It works far better with a few fingers than a tongue. Always has. I’ve never been with anyone, who could pleasure me better the other way ’round.
Argh. This must be “Exception Day!” Apparently I missed the memo.
Note that I said “many” women like receiving oral, not “ALL” women; note that I said men who like giving oral “tend to be” the most interested in their partner’s pleasure, not “ARE THE ONLY ONES WHO ARE.” Also note that I said “some” women don’t like performing, not “MOST”, “ALL,” or “NONE.”
None of this was meant as a personal slur against anyone who (a) is a man who has a problem having orgasms during genital sex or (b) a woman who doesn’t like having large objects in her mouth regardless of what they are because they make her feel claustrophobic or (c) anything else uncommon and/or idiosyncratic. Should you be someone with an uncommon or idiosyncratic reason and feel that because of that, me remarking on the general trend is a personal insult to you, please believe that what I said was in no way intended as such, nor do I place any moral valuation whatsoever on the sheer unadorned fact of what any individual likes or doesn’t like during the course of consensual sex.
The truth is though that the general trend is that most women do like receiving oral, most men who like giving oral like to do so primarily because their partner enjoys it so much, and some women don’t like to give oral. I agree that there certainly are exceptions. However, my interest at present is in the general trend and the whys and wherefores of that, so feel free to post yours or others’ unusual and/or idiosyncratic deviations from the general! But I’m only probably going to chime in the discuss the general trend from here on forward on this thread.
All I’m suggesting is that the “general trends” with sex may not be as obvious as they seem. Do you have any data to back up your generalizations, or are you just saying that it “feels right”? For instance, I’m not convinced that, even “in general”, men and women who enjoy giving oral are really only just doing it for their partners’ pleasure. Certainly, in my own case, there’s always a big part of me just going “Yippee! I’m actually playing around with an actual WOMAN’S real-life PRIVATE PARTS!” (I know, it’s a bit sad. But true.)
Okay, I give.
Quin, I never said anywhere that people who enjoy oral are really only just doing it for their partner’s pleasure. The only thing that I said that could even be stretched pretty far to sound a little like that is that men who like giving oral often derive a lot of their pleasure from doing so from the pleasure their partner is receiving from it. I can say right off, without doing any research whatsoever, that that is far from the ONLY reason such men like it–the bf is such a man and has informed me many times that he ALSO really likes the look of it, the taste of it and the texture of it.
For your research-y pleasure:
http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m2372/is_1_44/ai_n19052952/pg_12
http://webspace.ship.edu/cgboer/genpsysexuality.html
Lisa,
I’ll accept as a general rule. It was what I read as the absolute nature of the statement that distracted me from your point and made me think “Really? But [[$partner]] orgasms less often than I do! As did [[$former partner]]. And [[$partner]], too! It’s hard work to get those guys off!”
Thus I got distracted from your point.
In general, though, if pleasing my partner means that I’m not getting off at all much or most of the time, we need to do some more work on things in bed. As much pleasure as I derive from my partners’ pleasure, I’m just not that self-sacrificing.
And yeah, that’s part of what I enjoy about receiving oral. A facet of that is the permission to be greedy. A facet of that is the alignment of objectives—my partner’s enjoying getting me off, I’m enjoying my partner’s actions. And there’s the funwoo! Must not forget the funwoo!
Quin, I never said anywhere that people who enjoy oral are really only just doing it for their partner’s pleasure.
Oops, you’re right, you didn’t– I was misinterpreting the implications of your penultimate paragraph. However, even if you were to have made that claim, you have now satisfactorily countered my juvenile demand for hard data to back it up:
Frankly, I’m a little bit impressed.