*Set to the Tune of Heigh-Ho, from Snow White*
I Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate Hate the wedding stuff I do
I hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate the boring things to do.
It ain’t no trick, it makes me sick.
All of the colors I have to pick
For my…For my…For my….
Wedding party’s TIES!
I have spent another week in the always exciting wedding planning mines. There is just so much to do, and I have about four months to do it in. Last week, Hubby and I went to register for gifts, which I am told is supposed to be fun. While having scanner wars with him and my PE of Honor was fun, the actual scanning of items was dull, dull, dull. Contrary to the sexist stereotype, I hate to shop and all shop related things. And the whole time I just kind of felt like this was…wasted materialism. As nice as the China at Bed, Bath and Beyond was, and as cool as the Rock Band we registered as Target is, there is no pressing NEED for any of the things we registered for.
Wedding stuff tends to throw into sharp relief the lingering sexism of weddings as well. Hubby, of course, came with me to register, as did my “Maid” of Honor, PE (thus the name, “PE of Honor”). First, almost all of the registration stuff seems to be aimed at the bride, not the groom. Secondly, when we had to meet with the “wedding coordinator” at Bed, Bath, and Beyond, the sexism was a little more explicit.
When we were at Bed, Bath, and Beyond, we were supposed to pick out a set of china to register for. Hubby and I had not actually considered getting china, but started looking at the dishes anyway. After fake-bickering about a truly hideous set, the coordinator (who apparently felt that my proclimations that it was the most beautiful set in the world were serious) gravely said that Hubby needed to know that this “was all about the bride- everything I wanted was to be my choice”.*
Then, when working on invitations in Minneapolis this week, I kept feeling like I was being constantly defered to. Hubby’s close friend (and Groomsmaid) N is a printer, and she has been a fantastic help with the invitations and things. But, she seems to constantly want my opinion: I am the one that makes the decisions. I actually have to fight to get Hubby’s opinion included in all of the preparations. Even when I do get his opinion, it is generally frustrating to me because he seems perfectly happy with “Okay, if you like it”. I finally had to point out to him that everything he doesn’t do, everything he doesn’t help with, is something I have to do by myself. When we first had this wedding to plan, I was worried that I wouldn’t contribute enough, considering that the only reason I “want” to have this wedding is because it is important to our families and to my Hubby. Now, I worry that I will end up doing the bulk of the work just because everyone involved: vendors, friends, family, default to me.
*Sigh* If weddings were truly about love, they wouldn’t cost so freaking much, and the advertising would seek out men and women equally.
*PE and I met eyes and discretely coughed to the side, but Hubby, who is completely without guile, burst into laughter.
I finally had to point out to him that everything he doesn’t do, everything he doesn’t help with, is something I have to do by myself.
Ooh, good call.
I’ve been to a few weddings recently where they explicitly stated on the invitation that they don’t want the usual gifts. Sometimes they’ve suggested a charity to donate to instead, and sometimes they’ve said “but if you absolutely have to buy us something, our wine cellar is looking a bit empty”.
Registering is fraught with fraughty goodness, isn’t it? My little sister is getting married, and she registered for the usual linen-china-appliance stuff because like young brides of yore, she doesn’t actually own any nice household things. And everyone is thrilled to death to spend the money. When my older cousin got married, they had shit, so they registered for stuff they’d like but didn’t need and there were all kinds of catty comments about that. But if you don’t register, people get confused and frightened, they don’t know what to do! What to do!
The only way to win is to be less than 25 and register for a nice floral patterned china set. The rest of us are screwed, and will have to learn to live with relatives being all judgmental about how you handled the gift thing.
When my sister got married very few of the gifts she got were from her registry. She got about eight waffle irons despite not having waffle irons on her registry.
My boyfriend’s aunt is always trying to talk us into marriage, and uses the “you’ll get lots of stuff!” argument. ‘Cause that’s such a great reason to enter into a life-long commitment!
Even not having any plans to marry I still run into the sexism of marriage. Basically, it’s the opinion of almost everyone in my boyfriend’s extended family that I would just love to get married, and dear beau is taking advantage of my sweet compliant nature by living in sin with me. Never mind that it was my idea to get an apartment together, and that I’m rather terrified of getting married (I mean come on, I’d have to plan a wedding! I’ve got far too much other shit to do in my life right now!) and commitment. Or if I had a problem with our lack of legal contracts I’d make it an issue for us to deal with. Fortunately our immediate families seem to realize the only people who can decide what’s best for us is us.
Kyso-
I suppose it’s a good thing that I’m only 23 then
. But, I think we’re going to get some of that “extended adolescence” tsking that every Boomer seems to enjoy giving, because we registered for things that we actually thought would make our home welcoming (board games, Rock Band, that sort of thing).
Wedding gifts have sort of outlived their usefulness. I mean, people used to get married directly they left their parents’ homes, and they needed things like dishes and linens. Nowadays most everyone has that kind of stuff already.
My sister is getting married in October, and I’m glad that my presents to her and her fiancé are going to be both useful and unique: I’m doing her wedding photographs (she wants candids, not cheesy posed stuff) and making a personally designed wedding sampler (needlecrafts are a lifelong hobby of mine).
June, that’s fantastic. I really am happy that many of my friends are giving gifts for the wedding: J is DJing, N is doing the invitation, and Bear is doing the photography, among others. I like those kinds of gifts.