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Abstinence.

This is not something I have ever practiced on purpose except during limited periods and for a specific reason (example: my husband would be sent on a training tour of duty for several weeks) since I made the decision to become sexually active at the age of 17. Obviously I was not sexually active before then, but I wouldn’t have considered myself to have been practicing abstinence either; for about a year beforehand, I had been purposefully searching for someone with whom I really wanted to have sex. Why was I doing this? Well, I was sure I wanted to have sex because my body was telling me so, quite emphatically. However, I’d seen way too many other girls’ deep regret about how their “first time” had come about, and if I could possibly help it, that wasn’t going to happen to me–I already knew that I had a lot of potential to be really, totally crazy about the act of sex! and darn me if that was gonna get ruined right out of the gates.

Other girls’ poor experiences seemed to me to fall into one of two categories: (1) they had not really been ready to either have sex in general or have sex with that person in particular, and he had pressured them into it (2) they were ready to have sex in general and wanted to have it with that person in particular, then were subsequently treated like a trashy whore by that person or by family/friends/church for putting out the night before. Family, friends and church were not an issue for me; I was rather unusually free of societally-induced hangups on the subject; while I thought vaguely that I might end up married “someday” it certainly had no prominent place in my plans for the next ten years or so of my life, nor did I understand the peculiar double message of “You should be in looooooooooooorve with the boy you Give Yourself To!” and “Really wanting to have some s-e-x means, if you are a girl, you are some kinda slut nympho!” However, I did come to the conclusion that it was definitely the best idea to zero in on a guy who really cared about you, one who was preferably in love with you–not the possessive it’s-all-about-me kinda in love, but the kind that involved a more selfless devotion. This kind of guy, I reasoned, had a much higher chance of refraining from pressuring you when you weren’t ready and would subsequently treat you well after the deed was finally done. So, I searched out such a guy (I won’t go into the list of losers I fended off along the journey to his bed) and ya know, it worked out well. Admittedly the mechanics of the first actual completed sexual encounter were not top ten lifetime list material (two virgins together, well, you do know what the standard operating procedure is supposed to consist of, let’s say, but you lack comprehension of the fine details and intricacies of the female genitalia). However, such a guy is very interested in helping you find out what makes you tick, so going forward from that point becomes very rewarding in a short amount of time. In short, I had no regrets at the time nor did any ever come to haunt me in the future.

So I watch this abstinence obsession with a kind of bemusement. Why is it so important to not have sex? Why the obsession? After having read multiple articles and surfed too many websites, I have come to the following conclusion:

There is no abstinence movement that is not based in an organized patriarchal religion. If anyone out there is aware of one that does not originate in an organized patriarchal religion, please pass that info on to me, cause I couldn’t find any.

So if you either lack religious beliefs or have beliefs that aren’t rooted in organized patriarchy, such as an affiliation with Wicca, there is clearly no reason to ever practice abstinence outside of a purely personal choice based upon your specific life circumstances (for instance, you’re ill or injured in some way, or you simply aren’t in the mood to have sex for an extended period of time, or your partner of choice is unavailable for an extended period of time).

However, these groups do also try to couch their promotion of abstinence in secular terms, clearly realizing that not everyone on the receiving end of their message is a member of one of their various cults. Here is a boiled-down version of all the arguments I read to convince the non-cult members:

1. Your marriage will be more successful if you practice abstinence until you are married and people who are not abstinent while unmarried are more unhappy than people who practice abstinence while unmarried.
2. If unplanned pregnancy or sexually transmitted disease are concerns of yours, abstinence is the most effective method of preventing both.

Let’s examine those.

1. If you have no plans to marry, this argument holds no value for you, similar to the fact that the argument that Mr. God doesn’t like it when you’re not abstinent holds no value for those who have no belief that a Mr. God actually exists. But let’s say you would like to get married someday. Will your marriage really be more successful?

This message tends to be much more overwhelmingly aimed at the teen-to-young-adult group, as opposed to those roughly over the age of 25. To the them, what tends not to be overtly stated but is an obvious corollary is that you won’t be waiting that long, like ten years! or longer, to get married. In other words, you’ll marry when you are well below the current average age at first marriage in the US, which is late twenties or so. However, if you do do this, your chances of staying married to that person are a lot lower than they are if you wait til at least that average age, and the older you are when you first marry, the more likely you are to stay married to that person. This is also never mentioned, of course, though lots of studies promoting the physical health benefits to you and your baby should you choose to give birth long before the age of 30 are often pushed forward by the same groups.

There is a small vocal minority pushing abstinence for the grownups as well, one of the more notable members being our friend Dawn Eden. They do not base this advice on any studies, as those overwhelmingly tend to show that the nonabstinent over the age of 25 are a much happier, healthier group overall than the abstinent. They often have no evidence that the fact that they had large amounts of indiscriminate sex themselves as teenagers and/or young adults (very common in these folks) has anything to do with the fact that they personally are not happy now, but by God, they aren’t! and that has just got to be the reason why. (Other reasons, sadly, might point to personal character and intellectual deficiencies in themselves, and whoa now, they KNOW those can’t be the problem.) Going even further out into the land of unreason, they then decide that if everyone else also isn’t really that happy, it must be because EVERYONE ELSE TOO has spent some time having lots of sex with various random people, and since they all have that one thing in common, well, that’s definitely got to be it!!! Er…yeah.

Now, it is true that teens, especially girls, do exhibit higher levels of depression between the sexually active and the non, at least up through age 17. Also, a lot more express regret and wishes of having waited to have sex for the first time, especially the farther back in time from age 17 you go. And I totally believe those studies, because I witnessed it myself in that age range. And was quite determined to avoid it, as I was unconfused as to the reasons why…there is nothing wrong with having sex, nothing wrong or damaging at all in the performance of the act itself, as I proved in my personal practical sex-life experiment at the age of 17. What’s wrong is being pressured to have sex with someone before you want to have sex at all, being pressured to have sex with someone you don’t want to have sex with period, and being treated like a turd afterwards because you had sex by either the other person or society in general. There are no other reasons for it to ever be a bad experience, as long as you also practice contraception and safe sex.

That does bring us to 2. It is true that perfect use of abstinence gives you a 100% protection rate from both unplanned pregnancy and STDs. However, very few people perfectly practice any form of contraception or safe sex. A much better estimate of your risk rates for both comes from looking at typical use rates. The typical use effectiveness rates for the three most popular forms of contraception (tubal ligation, birth control pills and latex condoms) is for the first, over 99%, for the second over 90% and for the third, over 85%. Typical use for abstinence would fall somewhere between the statistics for the “withdrawal” method and the “bareback” method, which are between 25-75%. Looking at abstinence from this aspect alone, in terms of best practices for your pregnancy and STD rates, unless you know you are the kind of person that does everything procedural to maximum efficiency at all times, I would seriously consider using a combination of two or more methods for maximum safeguarding. Abstinence alone? Could very well be your absolute worst bet.

So, are there any arguments, outside of a determined belief in the existence of a Mr. God and what other people have said they can tell he wants you to do, to supporting remaining abstinent against your will, with someone decent that you want to be with, in private, with sensible precautions against unplanned pregnancy and STDs taken? No?

No.