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If the universe folds in on itself on May 16th, I will shake my angry fist at Phyllis Schlafly and the Washington University administration as my atoms are squished into oblivion. Few will understand what’s happening and why, but I will — and so will you, dear doomed readers. For May 16th hath been decreed the day that Schlafly will receive an honorary doctorate from Wash U as a “national leader of the conservative movement.”

Some people will probably blame Chris Matthews giving the school’s commencement speech for our downfall. Understandable. The eardrums of most attendees will have exploded by the time he finishes whatever screeching-yet-somehow-also-dithering rant he made his interns whip up, and I wouldn’t blame any prospective Jedi for striking him down on stage after confusing Matthews for a young Emperor Palpatine.

Is this Matthews?

Or this?

No, the universe will collapse as they hand the piece of paper to Schlafly honoring her for spending her life trying to prevent women from being honored. She will be the woman most celebrated for her accomplishments that night when the bulk of her work attacks the very idea of women accomplishing anything ever.

Moreover, Schlafly merely recycles the same half-dozen or so “ideas” throughout her work, and a central theme of hers is the horrors of college. Lets examine some of the advice she offered college kids in the 90s:

Take engineering, math and science. You learn things that are true, not things that are false and must be unlearned later.

Huh. Do you think her honorary degree will be in engineering, math, science, or untrue?

Avoid taking advice from college counselors. They are working for the college and are looking out for the financial interests of the college, not the students.

Let’s leave aside the intriguing notion that counselors earning $18k a year from the school are doing their job for love of the school’s money and not the kids. Since Ms. Schlafly believes people who work for the school put the school’s financial interests ahead of academic integrity, and since her degree was decided upon by administrators and not academics, couldn’t this mean — gasp! — that she’s being exploited as a token offering to conservative donors? Scandalous.

Don’t think you can get into a first-rate college because you are smart. Michele Hernandez, Dean of Admissions at Dartmouth, says you have a better chance of being admitted if you are from a ghetto, a barrio or an Indian reservation, or if you can be someone they can feel sorry for, even if your academic qualifications are lower.

My goodness, all those brown people who might be attending the ceremony certainly must be giving Phyllis the heebie-jeebies. They’ll probably be too dumb to understand what she’s saying, though, so that’s a relief.

All I can do is beg Ms. (hopefully not Dr.) Schlafly to refuse the doctorate on the grounds that, based on her work, no woman deserves this or any other recognition, because women can’t be leaders of men, and because academic honors brand you a lesbo commie slut with inflated grades. In conclusion, if she says yes, her hypocrisy makes universe go boom.