Last Names
Published by Antigone May 6th, 2008 in Punkass!Shakesville had an excellent post up about how difficult it is to have a guy change his name, and how much pressure women have to have their names changed. As a newly-married person, this post resonated with me because I actually had to deal with this.
When it came up to whether or not we would change our last names, Hubby offered me his last name. I said, “No thank you. It would be too much hassle. I mean, I’d have to change all my licenses, aviation certificates. And besides, it’s still my name: it’s the name on my birth certificate, it’s on all of my awards and diplomas. I don’t feel like I’m changing into a new person, and I’m not abandoning my old family, just adding a new one, so I don’t feel like it’s right to change my name. Do you want mine?”
“No,” he answered. “For the same reasons”.
So, we both decided that we would be Mr. Hubby B and Ms. Antigone J. I don’t personally have a problem with it: he loves me for me, not because I feel like subsuming part of my identity* to match his. I don’t need him to change his name, I decided to love Mr. Hubby B, and I will continue to love him. If he wanted to take my name, I would have been extremely touched, but it was not necessary.
Hubby is about as feminist a guy you’re going to find (or at least, it is rubbing off on him since he’s known me) so it was not a problem between the two of us. And, surprisingly, for the most part my family has been, if not exactly supportive, at least not hostile. At first, they are a bit taken aback, but then they think about it, realize it’s odd duck me, and get over it fairly quickly. As my mom put it, “You’ve always been a little hippie-dippy, why change now?” Most relatives have been more shocked that I’ve actually gotten married than the fact that I didn’t change my name upon doing it. His family, on the other hand, has been a little more shocked to the fact that I haven’t changed my name, but being the super-polite Midwestern family, I haven’t heard anything (to my face) about it.
My friends are the weird ones. It was a week after I asked my husband to marry me that we finally started telling people about it (he wanted a chance for it to sink in, and I needed a little time myself- the proposal was a rather spur of the moment thing). We had been wearing our engagement rings for this time** so my observant friend PE knew that we were engaged, but everybody else was unaware. When I announced at the group table, there was pandemonium. People were shocked, and confused. One of my friends, A, was frozen, with his mouth open, a french fry dangling from his fingertips half-way to his mouth, for about five minutes before he could actually respond. After they all settled down, and I informed him that I wasn’t going to change my name, they weren’t shocked at all.
But later, and particularly lately as the ceremony itself is coming up, I started to get comments about my commitment to Hubby, couched in I won’t take his last name. One of my friends has recently got engaged, and he pointedly made a comment about how he considers the girl taking his name as a sign of commitment. Hubby’s friends, especially the one who is none-too-fond of me anyway, have been making backhanded comments about my real affection for him*** Some of my closer friends are shocked, because they know that I don’t have the best relationship with my father and wonder why I want to keep his name now that I have a change to change it. But the thing is, it’s not my father’s name: it’s mine and my family’s name. My name is been my identifier all my life, and it’s one of the things I started to shape my identity around. It is pretty much the only thing that grounds me to the rest of my family (well, that and some DNA). For a person who doesn’t much care for tradition, this is my tradition.
And, of course internet trolls that know nothing about either Hubby or I have been assuring me that our relationship is doomed to divorce, because we both co-habitated before marriage, and I won’t take his last name.
What I can take from this whole experience is don’t be a closet feminist. If those are your beliefs, own them. You’ll end up taking a lot less crap in the long run if people know that you intend to run counter to the social norms. If someone you know gets married, ask her if her husband-to-be is taking her name. If a guy is getting married, ask him if he’s going to be Mr. Fiance’sLastName. Start getting people to think about other alternatives. Expect most people to merely roll their eyes at you, and some to be hostile. Feminism isn’t a magic shield. You will still tend to get people that think they know better, because This is How it’s Always Been Done, and This is Just the Way Things Are. But, in the long run, I think you’ll have a lot less problems than if you suddenly make the radical change to keep your own name.
*If you changed your name, I am not saying you are subsuming your identity. I am not going to say what you need to, think, feel or do. You can be a feminist and change your name. This was just how I feel about changing the name. I just have a hard time with, particularly considering the history. When marriage was a property exchange, a woman had her name changed to show who owned her- she was no longer the Smith’s, she was the Jone’s. When slaves were brought over, the owners changed their names to reflect who they were. When immigrants came to the United States, the first step in assimilation was to “Americanize” their name: they were no longer their old identity, they were now American, and just American. Names are a fairly personal thing to me, and I want to be in control of what name I own.
** At the time, I was honestly not aware that guys didn’t wear engagement rings. I figured both partners wore them. When I proposed, I didn’t have a ring read (See: spur of the moment) so we went out and picked out our own rings, and paid for each others.
***Which, luckily for me, Hubby has not been catching, because he is not very good at subtlety.
People should mind their own fucking business.
I’ve found that people who pick apart your choices are insecure about their own, or wish that they too had the guts to go against the grain. Good on you for doing what you felt in your gut, whatever that might have been. It never fails.
I am a man who is soon going to marry a woman. I am planning on taking her name, for several reasons. Are there any people who have been through this and have any advice, or any internet resources people can recommend?
Complicating the issue, I will need to get a passport soon after the wedding.
Thanks in advance if anyone can help.
Geoid- What state do you live in? I know that in North Dakota, the process is surprisingly easy: they asked me if I was going to change my name, and then they asked Hubby if he was going to change his. There was no problem for either gender. In other states, it may be more complicated.
I’m about to find out how people react to the name changing we’re doing when we get married. We will both be Firstname Middlename Mylastassecondmiddle Hislast. I think our immediate families and friends will be fine with it, but who knows about other people. Whatever, I don’t care. I’m most concerned about the paperwork. I’m prepared to be fucking pissed when we find out what a pain in the ass its going to be.
(I might not have changed at all, but his last name is the name of an infamous movie villain and is very badass. You all know and love this character, so you’d probably do the same thing too.)
I have heard that in NC (my state) that some people at the SS office will do whatever name changes both the male or the female want upon getting married, but that it totally depends on the person you have to work with. We will try this first and see if it takes.
Congrats!
On the subject at hand: Any man who makes a comment about a woman’s lack of commitment because she won’t change her name should immediately be accused of not loving his wife. How can he, since he didn’t take her name? He’s failed by his own measure.
Unless of course, you think women are the ones who make the commitment, and men just merely take a wife.
The only part of my birth name I have left intact is my first name, via a series of interlocking, mostly stupid events, beginning with my first husband’s sustained temper tantrum til I agreed to take his surname. My middle and last names have been replaced with, respectively, a German monstrosity and a Lithuanian clunker, and at this point in my life, I have too much invested in the name I’ve got now to change it back. But it’s very disorienting…we humans put so much in our labels, it messes with your personal identity when you realize that the only one you’ve consistently had your whole life is “Lisa,” which you share with a large proportion of the women of your generation.
Actually, we’ll be marrying in California, the state that had that lawsuit filed. Turns out, unbeknownst to me, it got settled and all I will have to do is write my fiance’s last name on the marriage license. CA FTW!
I took my husband’s name because it honestly never occurred to me not to. I don’t think it occurred to him either, because he didn’t bring it up when I asked which of his names he thought I should take (he’s Sri Lankan and according to their tradition, I would be K Hisfirstname, but according to western tradition I’m K Hislastname, or I could be K shortformofhislastname–since he was planning on changing his to the short form legally upon citizenship, that’s the one I took).
Now, I kind of wish I had kept my name, or at least hyphenated, but I’ve been KS for a third of my life and I’m used to it. Plus, it would be a hassle to change it back and since I didn’t have any objections to taking it in the first place, he’d probably see it as a rejection of him, which I don’t want.
I legally changed my surname the year before I met my husband. We had a whirlwind courtship, and got married within a few months of meeting. I kept my “maiden” name, which was not the name I was born with, but the name I picked out for myself. My mother, who had almost disowned me over legally changing my name, was sure that I would take Hubby’s last name (because I’m such a traditionalist - not!), but I didn’t.
Fifteen years later, I’m the only woman in my family who kept her own name. Yes, I’m a staunch feminist, but it’s 2008, surely someone else could’ve bucked the trend in the interim. But no, cousins and siblings marrying left and right, but the wife always changes her name, talking about her “commitment”, as if husbands don’t need to make any commitments.
Amanda, thank you for the congradulations, although I feel a little odd accepting that. “Congradulations” are normally for something you accomplished: I just happened to win the interpersonal lottery.
“I started to get comments about my commitment to Hubby, couched in I won’t take his last name”
I HATE that. It’s tapered off a bit, but while we were engaged and then just married, it was impossible to avoid. I would turn the question around, and ask if my husband not taking my name meant he wasn’t committed to me, either (and if not, I’d ask why the double standard? Watching the wheels click into place, with them knowing the answer was “sexism” but not wanting to say it = fun for me!) OR, I’d say, Gee, I thought publicly declaring that we love each other and deciding to intertwine our lives for, like, EVER meant I was totally committing. With some people, I found that either tack lead to great discussions on why for a woman, her submission = love; I mean, people who otherwise might never have even thought of it. So that was cool.
The lone hold-out 2.5 years post-wedding is my own mother. I do not get it. Every opportunity she has, she uses my first name and my husband’s last name — even signed me up for a magazine subscription in that name. I tried to ignore it at first, but after venting my frustration at her, she starting sending me stuff to my name, in care of my husband’s name, I shit you not.
I’m having the opposite dealie; I changed my name, and I have no intention of even telling my father, or most of my other relatives. He doesn’t even know I’m married. I want him and his name out of my life, kthnx.
I wanted rid of his name, and given that I was getting married to someone with a perfectly lovely surname that seems to fit me in all kinds of ways, I changed it to that name rather than coming up with a whole new one. Feminism, it is not about spite. It is not about being forced to make one particular choice in the name of the sisterhood - it is about having a goddamn choice to begin with. I made my choice, yey.
My fiancee and I are planning to keep our own last names. When we started discussing the topic, /he/ volunteered to take mine, but I pointed out it would be a big hassle (and his dad completely flipped out when he mentioned his bright idea to them) so eventually, that idea got scrapped. (Maybe. We still mention it from time to time. He’s a raging feminist, so has strong feelings about Making A Point. And so do I, so, you know…)
I don’t like my father. He doesn’t know I’m engaged. He’s probably not going to be invited to the wedding. I see and talk to him as little as I can. There are strong feelings of distrust on my side for many reasos.
But to disown the last name I grew up with because of /him/ would be to grant /him/ ownership over me and my identity.
That resonated with me so much. It’s NOT my father’s last name. It’s /mine/. It’s been a part of my identity my whole life. I’m happy with who I am, despite him, so I see no reason to change my identity to spite him.
(PS, we’re looking for rings right now, and he is fully intending to wear an engagement ring. Because something sure smells like doublestandard when the woman is wearing a ring saying “Owned,” and the man’s still in the “game”. So who says men don’t wear engagement rings? REAL men are proud to announce their impending marriage.)