Gender Relations
Published by Antigone April 19th, 2008 in Punkass!, Feminism, What Patriarchy?, FamilyI’ve always giggled when people say we have moved to a “post-patriarchy” and that feminism is no longer necessary. People who believe this obviously don’t open their eyes very often. But, the fact that we still live in a patriarchy have never been more noticeable then when one is planning a wedding.
I never thought I’d get married. I figured I would be the crazy cat lady and neighborhood mom, the one that always had brownies available but whose house always smelled like dander. With this life goal in mind, I never bothered to plan out my wedding apart from “If I get married, I am NOT having my dad walk me down the aisle”. My husband*, a very nice Midwestern boy, figured that whoever he’d marry would already have the ceremony planned out, because that’s Just What Girls Do. So now, we need to plan a ceremony, from scratch, when neither of us has ever given it any thought at all. And who do you think gets all the questions, suggestions, and downright orders? Me. Not only that, people seem to think a switch will go off, and suddenly I’ll be “Bridezilla”- and soon I will demand that the invitations be royal blue as opposed to dark blue.
My husband has tried to be helpful in this regard, and has admirably stepped in as much as he can while still working (he flies for Mesaba). But, even though we have said about a million and a half times that we are going to plan this wedding together, I still get all the phone calls, from his side of the family and mine. Once, his mother needed to know something about the wedding, but my phone was dead. She called Hubby’s cell and asked for me.
We kept our own names, and this has already caused trouble. The parents (and some of my friends) are already asking me (and only me) what we are going to do when the children come when our last names are different. Aside from the assumption that we are going to have children, it’s quite annoying that it’s me they think should change her identity for. But my name is the name on my birth certificate, the one I graduated with, the one on my pilot’s license….it is me in anyway that can be labeled as me. That stuff doesn’t just go away because I decided to stay in a relationship with one guy.
Since this wedding is non-traditional, we also mixed up the bride and grooms people. My “Maid of Honor” is a guy, PE. My bridesmaid, Gem, is wearing a tuxedo instead of a dress. Brandon’s has a groomsmaid- Nae. These simple gender “mix ups”, done because we choose the people closest to us instead of who happened to have the right genitalia, has already caused the parents to go a little crazy.
“How we people be able to tell who’s on which side” my mom went.
Well, I guess they’ll have to look up and see which side they’re standing on, if they can’t read the program, and if they’re color blind.
“What will people say?” his mom said.
I’m hoping it’ll be along the lines of “ooohh, pretty”.
“Is PE gay or something?” my dad went.
Not the last time I checked, but I could be wrong. Does it matter? I’m not marrying HIM.
“Will PE be holding a BOUQUET?!?!”
Well, I suppose he could if he wanted to, but since no one else is, he’d look a little silly.
So this is why I laugh when people say we are in a “post-patriarchy”. If that was true, people wouldn’t expect me to plan the wedding, and assume that Hubby’s job is to show up and not embarrass me. If that were true, the relatively minor thing of having different gender people standing next to us wouldn’t matter. But, people still have this idea that some things are for “guys” and some things are for “girls”.
*In case this is confusing to anyone, I have already married hubby. PE got ordained online, and we signed the marriage certificate at his house. We needed all the legal bennys- I needed health insurance, he needed to get on my lease. We are now planning the ceremony, set for September, because our respective moms have threatened death if we don’t do one. They’re paying, so I guess we can go along with it. The fact that we are already married has caused some people some concern- how will Hubby have a “bachelor’s party?” Considering that his “bachelor party” will more than likely be a “Dungeons and Dragons” game, I don’t think his pledged monogamy is going to be a problem.
Holy shit, this brings back memories. (Ouch. Ouch. Ouch.)
Dungeons and Dragons games have their own set of problems, of course.
“Where’s the Mountain Dew?”
“It’s in the fridge!”
“Can I have a Mountain Dew?”
“YES! Get it yourself!”
“Am I getting drunk? I want to roll to get drunk.”
“You’re drunk! Fine!”
“Okay, but if there are any girls there, I want to do them.”
On a (very vaguely) more serious note, I am reminded of Arial Levy’s article documenting the insanity surrounding her own marriage.
Yep, D&D is surely the path to hell. Why, you might drink too much Baileys and Mt. Dew and come up with such insightful phrases as “All animals go moo” like my loving Hubby.
That sounds really weird and annoying, but at the same time, I’m wondering how the group of people who have these expectations - ’sides’, gender performances, supposed non-involvement by husband - is defined. Who made those standards, and who is it who upholds them? Is it a majority of weddings that follow this pattern, or only a minority?
It would be cool if the whole wedding was a D&D wedding. You could roll to see if you pass the constitution check to say yes!
Funnily enough, we wanted to have our wedding at the Renissance festival, but that idea was quickly nixed.
Who made those standards, and who is it who upholds them?
They’re upheld by officious, mostly female relatives, from all that I’ve heard. Not that women made the rules or are responsible for them, but they’ve decided if they had to suffer, so should you.
“Do you take Antigone to be your lawfully wedded wife?”
…
“I said, do you take Antigone to be your lawfully wedded wife?”
“Hang on, I’m trying to figure something out. Do the bonuses from my Imperious Magistrate’s Gaze feat apply here?”
Haha, that always amuses me too. I experienced the other end of this, we didn’t get married and aren’t planning on ever doing so, but we had a baby. The last name thing was a huge issue to everyone else, we decided to go the route of hyphenating both names. I had my (much hated) brother-in-law tell me that he would never have allowed that for HIS son. My response was something along the lines of and that is why I’m with my partner, he isn’t an insecure prick.
Totally awesome way to go about things. If we ever end up doing the marriage thing, I’m going to steal that idea and have one of my friends do it!