Hey, girl.
When I’m feeling smooth, I gotta channel my inner Zinczenko.
Yeah, you. Right over there. How YOU doin? It’s okay, you can come closer. I know I’m a liberal and all, but I won’t bite… unless you think it’s naughty to bite. Because it turns out I’m one of the bad boys your mama/pastor/delusional right-wing website warned you about, and I just wanted to draw you in close so I could force-feed you drugs, materialism, and an aversion to handguns. Confused? Well, just sit here on my lap, girl, and let me show you what I’m talking about.
Thanks to Jill, I now know just how wild and wicked I really am. The interview on dating she found with 6 rockin’ conservative chicks has taught me a lot about myself and just want makes me so damn cool. Turns out it’s all about liberalism, baby.
Take Sharon Soon’s story when asked if she’s ever dated liberal men:
I have always had a policy of not dating liberals, but once, after a bad break-up, I dated a couple of liberal guys…
Yeah, baby! We’re that sinister rebound guy lurking in the corner, and you know that totally ups our hotness factor. You need a break from those stuffy conservatives, you come see us for a dose of Teh Fun. She continues:
First of all, they don’t have the same values and I find that to be a fundamental problem. I know a lot of people are willing to accept that, but I’m not. Their whole world view is different from someone who has conservative values and traditional values as a way of life.
Being focused on yourself, and your rights, and materialism, and no ultimate sense of morality — because I guess when you believe in a more secular way of life, a more liberal viewpoint, it’s all about what you can do for yourself and how you can be happy…and you don’t have any belief in absolute truth or religious principles to guide how you live. You get guys who are selfish and into themselves and don’t care so much about humanity, other people, or me — that just leads to a lot of problems.
What can I say, she’s got us all figured out. My Harley has the bumper sticker “Free markets are for pussies.” Highfive! Those selfless corporate charity cases just don’t know what it means to be a real man, to put your own destiny first. Social justice, universal health care, the environment, educational equality — our ideas are obviously selfish, we admit that, but they’re also Patrick Swayze sexy. Besides, who wants to waste time helping those poor losers over at Halliburton when I could be hoarding all the CO2 in the air for myself with my badass tree farm? Or jerking off after the selfish rush I get from paying Medicare taxes?
Shoot, though, who am I kidding? We all know liberalism is the ultimate gateway drug. Sharon concludes:
I also have a problem with guys who are into things like getting completely trashed and doing drugs…
That’s us! The trashed substance abusers! I guess that’s why all those Bud Light ads really feel like they’re talking to me.
Sometimes, though, it’s about what the conservettes don’t say. Cassy Fiano says she doesn’t date liberal guys, but when asked what bugs her most about dating men, one of her answers is:
Grooming in general on dates…it’s really rare to find a guy who can do it right.
Sorry, wimpnuts, looks like we’ve got you licked again. By banning libs from her dating diet, Cassie appears to have been stuck with the slob crowd (though she professes an aversion to “metrosexuals” as well). Don’t worry, Cassie. Whenever you’re ready to take a walk on the liberal side, we’ve got our Axe Body Spray on and our stubble just right. We’re ready to party.
Not all conservative babes totally get what makes us hottie liberals tick, though. Take Michelle Oddis’ complaint:
Another turn-off with liberal guys, at least for me, tends to be 2nd Amendment stuff. Gun rights? I think it’s kind of wimpy when guys don’t think people should be able to protect themselves.
When I’m at the bar trashed on drugs and staring at myself in the mirror, and some dude steps to me, pulling out a gun is weak sauce. Liberal men are LESS wimpy because we throw down with our bare knuckles. We don’t hide behind the 2nd amendment, a.k.a. The Founding Fathers Had Esteem Issues About Their Junk amendment.
For the last word, where else would we turn but the most well-adjusted source of dating advice on Earth, Dawn Eden:
…My experience with liberals is that superficially, they may be more fun to be around. They’re a bit looser and more relaxed. They make an effort to be more sensitive, but the sensitivity only goes so far. It’s easy for a man to keep this illusion of being a great, sensitive romantic if he knows he’s just going to sleep with you and then say good-bye. Anybody can be Mr. Love God for one night or one week or one month.
WooWOOOOO! You heard it from Dawn first. The Liberal Love God Train is leaving the station, honey. You know you want a ride.
Mmm. They asked the dear girls what women have wrong about men. Because of course women are doing something wrong, and conservative women are experts on the subject – they know way more about that than about, oh, I dunno, what men have wrong about women? At any rate, someone is wrong and it’s got to be the chicks. Definitely.
Wooooo! I want me a hot librul man!
Somehow, the idea of tasting the fruit in that man’s pants is less than arousing. I think it’s the juxtaposition of penis and produce.
“My experience with liberals is that superficially, they may be more fun to be around. They’re a bit looser and more relaxed. They make an effort to be more sensitive, but the sensitivity only goes so far. It’s easy for a man to keep this illusion of being a great, sensitive romantic if he knows he’s just going to sleep with you and then say good-bye. Anybody can be Mr. Love God for one night or one week or one month.”
Um…does she have any idea how good she’s making Mr. Liberal Love God sound here…? One month of relaxed, sensitive, romance and nights filled with hot sex..? yeah cuz what kind of bizarre freakish woman would want THAT…
But someday that could end, Lisa. And just the thought of it ending at some point is reason NEVER TO ENJOY IT TODAY. At least, if I understand Dawnology properly.
js-
It must not be forbidden enough for you then. Try and associate some extra taboos with pants produce — like your family would disown you if you tasted it, or that the devil will poke you with little needles for eternity if you give it a try, etc. Then see if it doesn’t become a superhuge turnon.
Of course, you may not need to have taboos to get you excited, but then you wouldn’t be a very good conservative, now would you?
I finally got it. The “tasting” part is jarringly literal, and makes me imagine the dude cradling an actual banana between his legs. But if I were a proper conservative, I would indeed get turned on by such an image.
Dawn Eden also doesn’t eat food she enjoys because eventually the food will be gone. Poor, sad woman.
If you’re going to love me and leave me, you are taking your sweet time about it. Not that I’m pressuring you—like all women, i secretly want to trap you with my vagina dentata—but it seems to be a bit of evidence against the “all liberals want to fuck and run” theory.
Dawn, it seems, better drink sodas.
Yeah, well, I seriously doubt I could stay in a relationship with Dawn Eden, so in that sense I am just like all the other liberal hosemonsters she’s dated.