It’s the weekend and I feel like drinking the cup of life to its dregs. How do I go about living a wild and carefree life in these, my exciting and certainly numbered single days?
Thank God, because MSN is there to help with their article “Single Girl Things to do Before you Marry,” a list of experiences I simply must have before marriage “shuts the door” on them. I’ve already completed the following tasks: dating someone I have no intention of marrying, travel, hogging the bed, and wasting hot water. Getting engaged did not significantly impact my enjoyment of any of these things, including, unfortunately, that first one. So even though I trumped the list by actually getting engaged to someone I wouldn’t marry, until I read the rest of the list, I had no idea what else I was missing!
Unbridled consumerism before I have a master to catch me:
Spend an embarrassing amount of money on a designer bag you love or heels that make you feel incredibly sexy. Chances are, when you have a joint account with your hubby, he’s not going to get why a purse might be worth the GDP of a small country.
That’s probably because plenty of women don’t get why a purse might be worth the GDP of a small country. This pairs well with another tip: be fiscally responsible.
Be empowerful, but milk your dad for all he’s worth like the adorable princess you are:
Learn how to change a tire and work a drill…Have your dad take you out to dinner as often as possible. The reasons: It’s great bonding time, and his open-wallet generosity will dry up once you’re hitched. Face it: Your reception is the last meal that’ll be his treat.
Eventually, my dad would ask me when I was paying for him. And he’d be right to do so, since he’s retired and I’m employed.
Continue acting like a teenager until your dad-substitute shows up to end the party:
Take your celeb crush to the max. Plaster a poster of Ryan Gosling in your hallway, and set your computer wallpaper to a topless shot of him…If all you feel like eating for dinner is ice cream and diet soda, buy a cone and pop a Coke. When you and The Mister mangia together all the time, you’ll be less likely to indulge those bizarre — but oh-so-satisfying — cravings.
Ice cream and soda?!!? For dinner?! Zany!! You’ll have to be hiding that kind of crazy from your future husband, so get it in now! Woo, we’re really footloose and fancy free now. What other exciting things can we do to live life to the fullest before marriage effectively ends it?
We can buy a cat! Or take yoga! Two things married women look back upon, wistfully. Speaking of things forbidden to married women, decorate that apartment like a 13-year-old girl’s bedroom now, because when your married, it’s time to start catering to his masculine tastes, using furniture that can’t be ruined by his masculine pet.
Want a cat? Heed this advice: Buy it now. Call it Snowflake. Let it sleep next to you in bed. If you wait to get a pet with your betrothed, it will end up being a big, slobbering Lab called Bif….
Embrace feminine decor. Don’t go so far as to paint the walls pink — that’ll freak out any guy who sets foot in your place — but stock up on stuff that appeals to your girlie side. When you’re building a nest with him, you’ll have to compromise on furniture and accessories, so pile on cute throw pillows while the decorating is all up to you (because here’s a tip: Guys hate the things).Wear a hip, fabulous ring on your left hand. Once you have an engagement band, you won’t want anything detracting attention from the ring.
I love this kind of advice, because it’s so comically lazy. As everyone who has ever had a roommate or live-in-lover- much less a spouse- knows, unless you’ve married a serious control freak, whoever actually gives a fuck about decorating is the one who calls the decorating shots. Sure, expensive stuff has to be collaborated on, but throw pillows? He can bitch all he wants, chances are he won’t do anything about it. I re-covered some grey chairs with red-and-black cherry blossom brocade, which my male roommate said “looked like someone menstruated all over.” Guess what I didn’t do? And guess what he did? If you said, “Anything, and nothing” you win a prize! When I frame my Portal cake poster and hang it in the dining room, guess who is going to bitch about it? And then guess what he’s going to do about it? If you said, “Your ex-fiance, and nothing!” you win another prize!
So what else can we do to really get the most out of our single years? Well, we could get really crazy and plan our weddings! Tee hee! Like, even if we don’t have a groom or anything! Wooooo! Seize the day!
Plan your fantasy wedding. Now’s the time to let your imagination roam — rip pictures of dresses from magazines, size up ceremony venues, and try on some rocks at the jewelry store. This stuff wigs guys out if they witness it, so get it out of your system now.
Yeah, because planning a wedding without actually having a date or even a groom isn’t weird at all, and certainly belongs on any list that encourages women to take full advantage of the relatively responsibility-free years between college and their first marriage. And there’s no message more empowering and life-affirming than telling women to indulge in small pleasures now, because as soon as your married, it’s all about him. In fact, if you like pink walls, it’s already all about him, isn’t it? Even though you don’t know who he is yet.
I’m totally putting my coffee machine in my bathroom though.
MSN really does think single women are all mental children, doesn’t it? I do hope more singles take this advice, cause maybe then they’ll realize that life is too great and fulfilling to ruin with marriage, kids and a mortgage. Maybe I want to eat weird stuff for dinner for the rest of my life! OMG!
I’m convinced that the purpose of these articles is to give us something to feel superior to. “Why, I don’t buy $N shoes, and I hate furry toilet covers! And my Nigel loves throw pillows! Our relationship is so awesome and free of gender roles. I guess it’s okay that he never cleans the house, ’cause really, throw pillows! What more could I expect?”
If getting married means that you never get to make a decision again, and have to defer to your husband in all things, I’ll continue living in sin, thank you. My cats, my artwork, and my weird desk in the kitchen are all things that single me and coupled me continue to enjoy.
I also love how there’s all this “don’t overdo it, or you won’t get a man” stuff in there. Since getting a man is characterized as the end of your freedom and individuality, why on earth wouldn’t you want to run one off?
I’m totally putting my coffee machine in my bathroom though.
My roommate always takes his coffee to drink while shaving, and I suspect, while showering although he claims that’s just stupid. There’s something that squicks me out about finding coffee cups in the bathroom all the time though.
Amanda: A desk in the kitchen? How bohemian! And original! Good luck finding a man to put up with that kind of insanity; why don’t you just wear shoes on your head?
In summary, getting married means you won’t be able to spend your own money, choose a pet, choose furniture, or what you get to eat for dinner. Oh, and, no throw pillows(I didn’t realize that only single woman have been keeping the throw pillow market alive for all these years). Your dad washes his hands of you, because, you have successfully been transferred to your new keeper, who by the way, will choose your ring and what type of wedding you get to have (since his vaunted masculine sense will be disgusted by your feminine nonsense of big weddings).
I think the only plus side I see is that less adult women will have half-clothed posters of Ryan Gosling on their walls (whoever the hell that is..but since I am unmarried I guess I better go find that poster):)
My roommate always takes his coffee to drink while shaving, and I suspect, while showering although he claims that’s just stupid.
I’m pro-drinking in the shower. I’m not sure about open mugs, since it seems like they would get contaminated with shower water, but cans and bottles are perfect for enjoying the pleasure of shower drinking.
Amanda: A desk in the kitchen? How bohemian! And original! Good luck finding a man to put up with that kind of insanity; why don’t you just wear shoes on your head?
Yeah, we’ve been in counseling about it for months. I just hate it SO MUCH that there isn’t a kegerator in that space. In response, I have enforced a strict NFL bedsheets policy.
I meant a real man, Marc. You lost that status when you let her keep the cats. Do you even have a large dog named Bif? For that matter, isn’t “Bif” actually spelled “Biff”?
Hmmm. It was Dad that taught me to eat the cake for breakfast (feel free to hum the Bill Cosby “Dad is great…” song”), and most of the men I date dress better and more expensively than I do (“Um, are you really wearing that? “), so I *wonder* if MSN might not be the lifestyle guide for me?
My latest theory is that MSN is in collusion with De Beers to push back feminism 40 years. On the bright side, maybe Tampax will join, and we’ll get some Rainbow Bright-themed tampons.
Oh–and I cannot say enough about enjoying a cold beer in a hot shower after, and it’s an experience that transcends gender.
I meant a real man, Marc. You lost that status when you let her keep the cats.
So true. GIRL cats, even. My house is pussy central. On the flip side, I can brag to all the fellas that I live with 3 ladies, and that makes me pretty cool.
Do you even have a large dog named Bif? For that matter, isn’t “Bif” actually spelled “Biff”?
Guh. Adding unnecessary fru-fru letters is soooo girly. Dudes are efficient — why use 2 “f”s when one does the job, you know? And I did have a dog named Bif, but I put him in a crate and sent him to Iraq to fight for our country. I’m sure he’s doing awesome.
Adding unnecessary fru-fru letters is soooo girly.
Good point, punkas.
dammit. err, damit. err, er.
Goddamn. As a woman, I resent being constantly bombarded with a shitload of stupid from msn.com. Well, my dad has throw pillows on his bed! And he picked them out! And he’s a straight man who owns guns! Suck it, MSN!
i appreciate the blog title, but it doesn’t quite have the same impact without the ominious fading echo on the end of “spritzer”… and i’m sure you’re the only person, kyso, who knows what the fuck i’m talking about… lol.
“Upstairs?!! Jackpot!”
i have some bad news… the waffle bar is closed.