when the status quo frustrates.

Glenn Beck would also like to thank rapists everywhere for doling out all that free sex

Hello, sunshine! Hello, birds! Hello, Glenn Beck!

We all want to live in a world that’s clean, healthy and prosperous.

Whoa. That’s the most number of words Glenn Beck ever strung together with which I can agree. Though I’m sure his Ralph Lauren-soaked definition of the word prosperous (“A McMansion on every plot, Bennigans leftovers in every fridge”) differs somewhat from mine (which is more about equal/free/bountiful education, basic services, and so forth).

We all want to hand that world off to our children in slightly better shape than we received it. No one, even the supposedly evil oil executive, has any reason to want anything different.

“Our children.” Not all children. Just theirs. Beck sure sums up the conservative agenda in one lazy turn of phrase, doesn’t he? Fortunately, if the oil-rich Bush family is any evidence, Glenn can rest assured that the world of delightfully well-adjusted oil-exec offspring will be filled with all the coke parties, public offices, draft dodges, baseball teams, and second chances a kid could ever want.

Everybody else’s kids will just have to take their minimum wage and uninsured injuries working the rigs and like it.

Congress has picked “Big Oil” as their enemy of the week. These companies inexplicably put profits above people, ravaging the environment and financially assaulting the poor to put another couple of dollars on their balance sheet. That’s the storyline we’ve all been taught.

I never could understand why Beck or any other corporation worshipper wasted their time worrying about who Congress blathers about these days. Our Democratic Congress has teeth so dull they probably couldn’t take a bite out of tissue paper, much less Big Oil. But I sympathize with Beck, because heaven knows we’ve been inundated with so many “teachings” about the evils of oil execs, who clearly lack the power, money, and tee times to influence the agendas of our media conglomerates.

Yes, times are tough for many. Sure, oil companies make a lot of cash. But, for that money, they get us to work, get ambulances to the hospital, keep our homes warm, and employ thousands of our friends and neighbors while financing their retirement, paying their health care, and providing energy to millions.

…IN OTHER WORDS, we all know schools, hospitals, and the working class can’t function without their product, so Big Oil cheerfully gouges them when they could easily be charging half of what they do. Way to sell your case, Beck.

Because of capitalism, they have the incentive to do that.

Do what, exactly? Form an impenetrable oligarchy? Aggressively addict the country to their finite resource? Double their prices just because they know they can? Fuck with ambulances, airplanes, and school buses for fun? Start wars? At this point, Beck’s making Big Oil *and* capitalism look pretty stupid.

I’ve yet to see what our government does for us with their rather large chunk of each gallon of gas we buy, and I’ve yet to see them offer to return it or suggest a gas-tax-windfall-tax-tax.

Tax-tax-oil-plebes-tax-oil-tax. Let’s just string some words together into nonsense, because if it’s long enough, it’ll make me look smart. And if I say tax enough, everyone will remember how much the government sucks! Never mind that fact that even if a gas tax is being spent inefficiently by a government, at least people have some power to influence that process. When it lands in the pockets of oil corporations, it usually just goes to private militias to kill innocents overseas. Tax-no-tax-murdering-spree-windfall!

But enough about oil, let’s drop the red herring for our real target: truth.

The other villain of the moment is the global warming “denier.” Anyone who disagrees, even in the slightest, must be ridiculed. On “60 Minutes” last weekend, Al Gore said: “They’re almost like the ones who still believe that the moon landing was staged in a movie lot in Arizona and those who believe the Earth is flat. That demeans them a little bit, but it’s not that far off.”

So Beck, who somehow thinks people can be bamboozled into THANKING oil companies, would now like to shake a fist at Al Gore for daring to call global warming obvious. Beck makes the following arguments:

1) not many people believe the moon landings were fake
2) not many people (21% in his cited poll) believe that greenhouse gases are the main cause of global warming
3) that mean’s Gore’s calling you a stupidhead (statistically speaking)
4) Al Gore’s house uses lots of power and is ONLY NOW outfitted with solar panels
5) Shouldn’t his farm ALREADY be on wind power?
6) Why is he spending $300 million on ads if everyone supposedly believes in global warming?
7) Never mind oil money, be suspicious of Gore’s money and where it came from!!

Can you see any remotely sensible path of logic there? Because, um, I hate to break it to Beck, but a majority of American are NOT ALWAYS RIGHT. See: Election, 2004. See: America, before Pearl Harbor. See: right. fucking. now. on pretty much everything.

So, yeah, Gore calls people with their head in the sand naive. And maybe that’s a majority of Americans. But you know what? Gore never argues that point one way or the other. So all of Beck’s blow-harding about Gore buying all his ads doesn’t make much sense… unless he’s just hoping the audience is stupid and won’t see how convoluted and empty his position is.

Defending oil execs is just weird. Using is as a sneak attack on global warming is ever weirder. Then again, Beck’s just another in a long line of remora fish feeding off the scraps of big business while everyone behind him has to eat his shit.

7 Responses to “Glenn Beck would also like to thank rapists everywhere for doling out all that free sex”

  1. Marnanel says:

    Also, “rather large chunk of each gallon” my arse. 12 cents tax a litre is trivial compared to the entire fucking US dollar tax per litre we’re paying in London. US fuel taxes are minimal.

  2. Kyso Kisaen says:

    Sometimes you just have to love Fark.com:

    Glenn Beck, “I have yet to see what the government does with gasoline tax.” Apparently the Interstate Highway System is hiding from Beck

  3. It’s a national shame that he’s a major pundit. But I do love these slobbering pro-corporate overlord editorials. Shows how conservatives are basically monarchists, and wish we had feudal rule again.

  4. Daisy says:

    The conservatives love to attack Al Gore, and in these parts, make “an example” of him, sort of a Jane Fonda redux.

    It used to go like this:

    Conservative crackpot: Are you against the war??? (Vietnam)

    Me/other sane people: yes.

    Conservative crackpot: So is HANOI JANE!!!!

    Me/other sane people: So what?

    But that seemed to be ENOUGH for them. I mean, that was really considered *an argument* all by itself.

    So now we have Glenn Beck, Fred Barnes, Brit Hume and all their conservative hack friends, doing the same.

    Conservative crackpot: Do you believe global warming is real?

    Me/other sane people: yes.

    Conservative crackpot: So does AL GORE!!!!

    Me/other sane people: So what?

    Seriously, though, that is the *entirety* of their arguments: They hate Al Gore! That’s IT!!!! If he says it, it must be mistaken. What other proof do you need?

    Beck and his comrades at Faux News really do sound that way, a lot of the time.

  5. punkass marc says:

    So true, Daisy. Al Gore has been successfully plastered as the “crazy lib” all over the media… even though it’s turned out that he was right all along. Sigh. I hate our corporate media.

  6. JasonC says:

    there’s this urban legend going around that if you put a bunch of pop rocks in your mouth, swig some coca-cola and overanalyze a glenn beck “essay”, your head will explode.

    snopes has yet to confirm or deny this.

  7. punkass marc says:

    yeah, i guess any analysis of glenn beck at all is inherently overanalysis, huh?

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