when the status quo frustrates.

The Violence Against Women Act is destroying the very concept of sportsmanlike behavior.

Sunday, March 30th, 2008

Hello, my little neglected blog, and any people who may still occasionally check it. Sorry for the prolonged absence, school’s been a bitch and I should actually be working on homework right now, but my brain is tired. And what do we do when we don’t feel like thinking, boys and girls? That’s right – we find and fisk and anti-feminist. Today’s nearly incoherent and certainly unresearched pile of poorly segued and embarassingly tired half-thoughts comes from Detroit’s Holly Browne, who is all about feminism when it’s about equal pay and political representation, but was forced to seriously reconsider if feminism had gone “too far” when her young son was checked on the soccer field. By a girl. Her son could have easily cleaned that girl’s clock, if he hadn’t been conditioned, by feminists, to never hit a woman.

And she’s right, we were so focused on combating domestic violence that we never stopped to think about what havoc our message could wreck on co-educational youth soccer standings.

I noted the parents of the girls’ team smiling smugly whenever one of their players managed to knock over one of our boys.

Now, the fact is, when you get into the age of puberty and beyond, most of those boys could, if they chose, send a girl flying into the boards at any point. Feminism aside, it’s a simple fact of nature that men are physically stronger than women. But they are taught never to use that physical strength against a woman.

Listening to the grumbling coming from the parents of the boys, it was obvious that our guys weren’t playing their best game. They would hesitate for a second too long or hold back just a bit, yielding to a baser instinct not to hurt a girl.

Holly’s quick to point out that she’d not want to see her son and his friends punch those smug smiles right off those girls heads, but you know, she’s just saying that they totally could have. If they wanted to (everyone knows that the under-12 age group is when boys are most physically intimidating compared to girls). Which they didn’t. Because they’re gentlemen, just like the feminists wanted. And probably because their coach doesn’t encourage that kind of crap, you know, sportsmanship and all.

But I feel she’s being unfair to the feminists. We said it was never OK to hit a woman, and we were assuming a situation in which the aggressor is using his physical advantage to unfairly control a woman with whom he has some sort of relationship. Also, it’s still not OK to punch, assault, or shoot random women because ever since she left you they’re all just cunts who deserve to be shot. I’m not sure there’s anything in the feminist agenda that addresses bodychecking in youth sports. I’m pretty sure the appropriateness of roughing up an opponent of any gender depends on how much of a douche your child’s coach is.

We drill it into our boys’ heads from a very young age that they should never push, shove or hit a girl; if anything, they are to step to the defense of a girl when necessary. Then we put them all out on the soccer field — basketball court, wrestling mat, pick a sport — together where the boys are supposed to be as physically competitive with girls as they would be with boys. We are confusing our boys.

Anyone care to make that flow chart? Here, I’ll start you off:

Are you on a field/court, playing a game?

YES -> Does she have the ball and you want it real bad, but otherwise your feelings toward her are neutral/positive
—-YES -> Go ahead, as long as you’re sure the ref isn’t looking
—-NO -> Let someone else check her
NO -> Are you mad she was talking to another guy/went out with her friends instead of you and yours/wearing that thing you told her not to wear?
——YES -> Do not hit her, try to calm down.
——No -> Then what the hell are you angry with? Do not hit her, try to calm down.

No anti-feminist column would be complete without the obligatory Mentioning of Pop Culture Event that Feminists Were Clearly Not Behind and Did Not Condone but is So Far in the Past that it is But A Hazy Memory in the Public Mind and therefore can be Taken Out of Context.

I recall a shopping trip I made with my daughter a couple of years ago. As we were browsing in one of the popular mall shops, we came across some T-shirts that stated “Boys Are Stupid — Throw Rocks at Them.”…Do we women really need to teach our girls to bash boys, physically and emotionally, to make our mark in the world?

This is relevant because the offending soccer player threw a rock at her son just like the shirt told her to. OK, I made that part up. The shirts don’t actually have anything to do with anything. Hey, remember one of those slogans made it onto some Happy Bunny merchandise? Remember Happy Bunny? Happy Bunny is not actually happy nor is he appropriate for young children. I bet Holly could make a real good article about that.

After the soccer game, I asked a manager why this talented girls team didn’t play up a few levels within the girls division instead of entering the boys’ leagues. I was told that prohibiting them from playing in the boys division would be considered discrimination. Amazing. Women have fought a long, hard battle to earn equal rights. We now have clubs, sports, colleges and political organizations solely for women and the support of women’s rights. But we’re still not satisfied.

Because NOW and the League of Women Voter’s exist, the existence of co-educational leagues in which some girls’ teams are encouraged to play dirty just like some boy’s teams is clearly greedy over-reaching on the part of radical feminist dykes.

So in conclusion, because of the feminist brainwashing about how boys should refrain from hitting girls under any circumstances, feminists have not only destroyed her son’s team’s chances of finishing top in the league, but also they’ve hamstrung Holly and Holly’s parental contemporaries in their quest to raise sons who are manly, and who know “how to treat a lady.” Because it’s not chivalry if he’s refraining from hitting her just because he knows she might hit back.

Can’t get me enough of Joe Francis’ misfortunes

Friday, March 21st, 2008

I haven’t said anything about Elliot Spitzer, because really, what is there to say? It’s like he read a book about salacious career-destroying scandals 101 and simply followed the instructions in Appendix A: Rich, powerful man gives scads and scads of money to attractive young call girl who is really a musician waiting for her big break. I admit, the last eight years has spoiled me – what, no drugs? No secret homosexuality? No wetsuits or chains? Where’s the extra layer of hubris and tawdry we’ve come to expect? There’s nothing here for the truly morbid, and of course his resignation put it all to bed.

But God help me, I love any situation that leads to Joe Francis getting pwned.

“Girls Gone Wild” founder Joe Francis also rescinded a $1 million offer to Dupre, now 22, for a new video after the company on Tuesday discovered it had footage of Dupre in its archives.

In a statement Wednesday, Francis said he had received an e-mail from Dupre’s lawyer Don Buchwald, saying Dupre may have been 17 in the videos shot in Miami, Florida, and not 18 as Francis had first claimed.

It’s not enough to get him in more hot water, unfortunately…

Lewd or lascivious acts committed upon or in the presence of those under 16 is illegal in Florida, said Miami-based defense attorney Roy Kahn. “Just taking nude video or photographs alone in a public place wouldn’t be illegal if the person is 17. It doesn’t violate lewd and lascivious conduct with a minor,” Kahn said.

…but it is a fitting end to the crowing he was doing when they first discovered they’d not had to buy the cow because she’d already given up the milk for free. And of course it’s a valuable lesson to young girls: don’t show Joe Francis your boobies in exchange for a trucker hat, hold out for cash. He’s clearly got it.

Football show pluggery ahoy

Wednesday, March 12th, 2008

Hey punkasses! So, uh, I guess I really like football, because I’ve made yet another show about it. Draftguys TV profiles over 40 players who’ll be selected by the NFL in April, giving football fans access to exclusive interviews, practice footage, expert opinions from Russ Lande of the Sporting News, and more. We’re focusing on the guys who are flying under the radar at this time of year but could become household names once they get a chance to make their mark.

For me, this was a whole ‘nother level of challenge. I’m the producer, director, co-writer, editor, and cinematographer, which has translated into some insane work weeks so far in ’08. We’ll be releasing 51 episodes between now and the end of April, so I’ll continue to be a little erratic here at PAB, but soon this show will be done and I’ll be back to ranting and raving with regularity.

In the meantime, anyone who likes football should check out our shows at ON Networks or here.

The introduction to Draftguys TV:

A profile of Appalachian State’s star WR Dexter Jackson:

And feisty Rutgers DT Eric Foster:

Thanks for checking it out, and if you liked what you saw, please pass it on to your friends and check the ON Networks site for 2 new profiles every weekday.

But I thought he loved the way I insert those tampons!

Tuesday, March 11th, 2008

Ah, MSN, to live in a world where your advice was helpful.

Yeah, I’m phoning it in this week with MSN’s Surprising (their word, not mine) Sex-Appeal Deflators; you know, those “subtle behaviors that abate your allure faster than it takes a pair of Hollywood lovebirds to get engaged.” Zing! I’d give you something better, but it’s midterms so let’s just see what innocent things you might be doing that are possibly repellent to your new love.

Number 1: Shitting in front of them. This is what passes for subtle at MSN?

“I’m sorry, but watching her — or any woman for that matter — saddle up to the ivory pony doesn’t make me feel more connected … It makes me kind of sick.”

Does anyone without toddlers or not in prison actually do this? In my closest ever relationship with a man we were just close enough that I could joke about his toilet habits, which were only revealed to me because of a very regular work schedule on his part and an unfortunate proximity to the bathroom on my bedroom’s part. Maybe in a survival situation, I could crap in front of another human being, but only after we’d accepted we could actually die out there and started cannibalizing the less fortunate members of our party. On the other hand, my newest male friend requires only 2 beers before he begins announcing his every fart to whomever is around, as a courtesy. If I were to list his most endearing traits in any order, that would not appear.

Number 2: Being a bitch, especially about people he likes. Ok, I’ll give them that.

Number 3: Making beauty appear anything less than effortless, unless it’s those sexy finishing touches like in the commercials.

Watching you smooth scented lotion all over your bare legs? Priceless. But you couldn’t even pay a guy to eyewitness the ugly side of getting pretty — think clipping your toenails, extracting a blackhead, flossing those back teeth. Just ask Walter, 28: “Maybe it’s not totally PC, but I want my girl to be sugar and spice and everything nice,” he admits. “I mean, I don’t really need to know that my girlfriend uses a special antifungal cream to help keep her yeast infection at bay. Gross! Let me keep the fantasy alive.”

I’m sorry, but if you’re attracted to girls who wear tight pants and thong underwear, then you deserve what you get. Besides, it’s good to be comfortable with the good and bad things about your girlfriend’s body. If it helps, just think of it as Tinactin for the crotch.

Number 4: Flirting with other guys. It’s not nice to remind him that there’s a million other guys you could be with.

Sure, being playful with another man may score you a free drink or get you out of a speeding ticket. But by the umpteenth hair flip and giggle, your guy’s wondering just how “friendly” you would get if he weren’t right next to you.

Wait, you’re flirting to get free stuff and charm cops, and you do this enough that your boyfriend actually suspects you want to have sex with the next highway patrolman you zip by? Either slow down or get a less insecure guy.

OK, so to wrap up, the subtle, nay imperceptible things that may squick out your boyfriend are: defecating in front of him, being a toe-nail clipping, flossing bitch, and hardcore flirting with other men. Good to know, good to know.

Horton is not sure why all these people are yelling at him

Sunday, March 9th, 2008

Anti-abortion activists sometimes use a tactic I call “WTF.” What the fuck? protesting involves going to a place where nobody in their right mind is thinking about abortion, or any sort of hot button issue, and then ruining everyone’s good time by screaming about abortion. You’ve probably run into this: dismembered fetus posters at the farmer’s market and a plane towing a banner for no discernible reason are two examples I’ve run into. I’m not sure what they think they’re accomplishing, but most people look at it and go “What the fuck?” before getting away from those psychos as fast as possible. Sometimes, they’ll get into a confrontation with people who were not planing on explaining D&X to their pre-school children that day, and now have some interesting questions to answer and tears to dry, but that’s about all they can expect out of that.

These people have apparently decided that Horton Hears A Who’s message of being nice to small things is the perfect opportunity to remind people that abortion is wrong. Because there’s nothing people respond to better than having their leisure time hijacked by barely-coherent protesters.

All hell broke loose at the Hollywood premiere of “Horton Hears a Who!” today when a group of pro-lifers infiltrated the screening, then chanted anti-abortion slogans after the flick.

The theme of the movie is based on the motto: “After all, a person is a person, no matter how small.” So the pro-lifers thought it was a good idea to use this theme to their advantage — even though their complicated message was falling mostly on the ears of children.

But hey, at least they made a difference:

Shouts of protest were returned by some in attendance, including, “This is a kids premiere,” “How dare you,” and “Do you really care that much about this?”

I’m reminded of that Dilbert cartoon in which Dilbert explains that reality is defined by the craziest person in the room – these people have to know that this intrusive, in-your-face form of protesting with its tenuous relation to whatever the situation is and its bizarre symbols (seriously, wtf is up with that red tape?) doesn’t win any converts, but it does piss people off. Do they really think they’re getting something done or are they just creaming their jeans at how rebellious and brave they are, confusing the public’s justified anger over the inappropriateness of the display with Satan-inspired anti-Christian persecution?

Oh, Charlotte, you crack me up.

Thursday, March 6th, 2008

For proof that Charlotte Allen is freaking hilarious and the rest of us are humorless harpies who can’t handle the truth, look no further than this response in her defensive Q-and-A about her catastrophic failure of a WaPo opinion article.

Woodbridge, Va.: Congratulations on a hilarious article. Do you think the hysterical response to it provides further proof that feminists have no sense of humor?

Charlotte Allen: Is the pope German?

Ba-dum-bun – shriiinnng! It’s funny because when is the pope NOT German? Get it? Finally, someone updated that hoary old “is the pope Catholic?” into something a little more relevant to today’s society, where everyone has the birthplace of the current pope at the front of their mind.

Anyway, let me sum up the forum for you so you don’t have to swim through the whole thing: It was a joke! But it was all true! Feminists are mean! But lalalalala I can’t see sexism so it doesn’t exist I am not list-en-innnngggggg!!!!!

Videos for you

Monday, March 3rd, 2008

Here’s one, from the Canadian Union of Public Employees, that should put a smile on your face:

Of course, we here in Canada recognize this as satire. I’m not sure that it reads that way to Americans. What do you think?

Hat tip: Audra Williams

And here’s one that really won’t put a smile on your face: American soldiers in Iraq: Protecting you from terrorist puppies.

(Warning: animal cruelty.)

Hat tip: mercenarytoast

Someone should send poor Charlotte information on gender re-assignment if being a woman sucks so bad

Sunday, March 2nd, 2008

Amanda can’t fisk this, but I bet I can (although I admit to being less sure when I got to the bottom of the page and saw the link to page 2).

Long story short: Women, why did we ever give them the vote?

Long story longer: Charlotte Adam just can not stop typing when it comes to talking about women, and how much they suck. I can’t imagine how she managed to get that many words onto the screen on this topic, seeing as she must have been stopping frequently to look at her own hands and/or faint reflection in computer screen and shudder or sob quietly for at least a few seconds. Maybe it was cathartic, and when she finally put the final period on the final sentence, she sighed a great sigh of relief, knowing that for a little while at least she was no longer unclean.

Charlotte has noticed that Obamamania has swept the nation, with girls going wild over the man who could be our sexiest president since Kennedy. And like our first Catholic president, our first black president can work an audience like no one’s business.

“He did not flinch when women screamed as he was in mid-sentence, and even broke off once to answer a female’s cry of ‘I love you, Obama!’ with a reassuring ‘I love you back.’ ” Women screamed? What was this, the Beatles tour of 1964? And when they weren’t screaming, the fair-sex Obama fans who dominated the rally of 16,000 were saying things like: “Every time I hear him speak, I become more hopeful.” Huh?

Let me help you deconstruct that last sentence, Charlotte: Whenever this one woman listens to Obama’s speeches, she feels more of an emotion called hope. You’re probably unfamiliar with this feeling, having been dead inside ever since that traumatic ceremony that marked your entry into “honorary guy” status, but basically it means that Obama’s message makes this woman feel excited by the possibility that he can make the future better than the present. The more Obama speaks, the greater this feeling becomes in her heart. Probably, it’s because he outlines policies that, if enacted, she feels would make her life and the lives of others better.

Or, it’s because she’s a stupid irrational cuntbag who poses a danger to herself and those around her merely by existing. Your call.

I can’t help it, but reading about such episodes of screaming, gushing and swooning makes me wonder whether women — I should say, “we women,” of course — aren’t the weaker sex after all. Or even the stupid sex, our brains permanently occluded by random emotions, psychosomatic flailings and distraction by the superficial. Women “are only children of a larger growth,” wrote the 18th-century Earl of Chesterfield. Could he have been right?…Depressing as it is, several of the supposed misogynist myths about female inferiority have been proven true.

Women like bad television and sappy media, self-help books and romance stories; Hillary Clinton’s staff is a bunch of man-hating Amazon dykes and she herself isn’t even smart enough to fire them at the right time. Also, goddam are women neurotic.

Of course, not all women do these things, either — although enough do to make one wonder whether there isn’t some genetic aspect of the female brain, something evolutionarily connected to the fact that we live longer than men or go through childbirth, that turns the pre-frontal cortex into Cream of Wheat.

Men don’t call in sick when they’re really just taking a personal day, men aren’t hypochondriacs, men like only good television and serious books, and men don’t pussyfoot around with soft-core porn in romance novel form, no sir, they like it hard, hot and violent. (or was Charlotte’s soft-core porn remark not supposed to remind us who is driving the hard-core porn market?) Men are so much better than women it’s not even funny. There’s probably a biological, immutable basis to this, tied to childbirth because there’s no way that women can do something men can’t without a cost being extracted somehow by benevolent natural forces. Oh, and gay men count as women.



Surfing Yahoo on a 5 minute break causes my head to interact aggressively with my desk

Saturday, March 1st, 2008

Yes, I am working on a Saturday once again, and soon I will be able to reveal to the world why I’ve been racking up 80 hour weeks in 2008. Maybe I should work 80 hours and 5 minutes, though, so I don’t take a moment to catch up on the news. And by news I mean the Associated Press coverage of national and international gooberness.

Future president John McCain would like those dagblasted kids to get off his NAFTA lawn before they scare away all those jumpy little Canadian tanks:

Republican John McCain said the desire by Democratic presidential rivals Hillary Rodham Clinton and Barack Obama to renegotiate the North American Free Trade Agreement would jeopardize crucial military support from Canada.

What sort of nonsense is this? Canada, white people everywhere have been holding you up as the paragon of peacenik decency. Have you secretly been knocking combat boots with the Halliburton crowd?

Canada has 2,500 troops serving in Afghanistan along with 29,000 U.S. soldiers.

Whoa! That’s practically a battalion. Or something. Anyway, add another checkmark by New Zealand as the sexier destination for wealthy crackers who enjoy throwing the deuce.

Meanwhile, when is it okay for a government to kill civilians? When it’s self-defense, of course!

Israeli troops turned heavy firepower on rocket squads bombarding southern Israel Saturday, killing 54 Palestinians in the deadliest day in Gaza since the current round of fighting erupted in 2000.


In Washington, National Security Council spokesman Gordon Johndroe expressed regret for loss of civilian life on both sides but put most of the blame on the Palestinians.

“There is a clear distinction between terrorist rocket attacks that target civilians and action in self-defense,” he said in a statement.

Maybe things are better over in the world of google news…

I’m a bridesmaid, and have never been more OK with “never a bride.”

Saturday, March 1st, 2008

Motherfucking Ann Taylor and her stupid Celebrations stupid formal wear line. Stupid fucking grumble grrrrr!!!!!

Don’t call it a final sale if it’s just going to be on more sale-er next week, OK, just don’t. Also, your high heeled shoes are a)too high and b) far too expensive.