But I thought he loved the way I insert those tampons!
Published by Kyso Kisaen March 11th, 2008 in Punkass!, For the ladies, HumorAh, MSN, to live in a world where your advice was helpful.
Yeah, I’m phoning it in this week with MSN’s Surprising (their word, not mine) Sex-Appeal Deflators; you know, those “subtle behaviors that abate your allure faster than it takes a pair of Hollywood lovebirds to get engaged.” Zing! I’d give you something better, but it’s midterms so let’s just see what innocent things you might be doing that are possibly repellent to your new love.
Number 1: Shitting in front of them. This is what passes for subtle at MSN?
“I’m sorry, but watching her — or any woman for that matter — saddle up to the ivory pony doesn’t make me feel more connected … It makes me kind of sick.”
Does anyone without toddlers or not in prison actually do this? In my closest ever relationship with a man we were just close enough that I could joke about his toilet habits, which were only revealed to me because of a very regular work schedule on his part and an unfortunate proximity to the bathroom on my bedroom’s part. Maybe in a survival situation, I could crap in front of another human being, but only after we’d accepted we could actually die out there and started cannibalizing the less fortunate members of our party. On the other hand, my newest male friend requires only 2 beers before he begins announcing his every fart to whomever is around, as a courtesy. If I were to list his most endearing traits in any order, that would not appear.
Number 2: Being a bitch, especially about people he likes. Ok, I’ll give them that.
Number 3: Making beauty appear anything less than effortless, unless it’s those sexy finishing touches like in the commercials.
Watching you smooth scented lotion all over your bare legs? Priceless. But you couldn’t even pay a guy to eyewitness the ugly side of getting pretty — think clipping your toenails, extracting a blackhead, flossing those back teeth. Just ask Walter, 28: “Maybe it’s not totally PC, but I want my girl to be sugar and spice and everything nice,” he admits. “I mean, I don’t really need to know that my girlfriend uses a special antifungal cream to help keep her yeast infection at bay. Gross! Let me keep the fantasy alive.”
I’m sorry, but if you’re attracted to girls who wear tight pants and thong underwear, then you deserve what you get. Besides, it’s good to be comfortable with the good and bad things about your girlfriend’s body. If it helps, just think of it as Tinactin for the crotch.
Number 4: Flirting with other guys. It’s not nice to remind him that there’s a million other guys you could be with.
Sure, being playful with another man may score you a free drink or get you out of a speeding ticket. But by the umpteenth hair flip and giggle, your guy’s wondering just how “friendly” you would get if he weren’t right next to you.
Wait, you’re flirting to get free stuff and charm cops, and you do this enough that your boyfriend actually suspects you want to have sex with the next highway patrolman you zip by? Either slow down or get a less insecure guy.
OK, so to wrap up, the subtle, nay imperceptible things that may squick out your boyfriend are: defecating in front of him, being a toe-nail clipping, flossing bitch, and hardcore flirting with other men. Good to know, good to know.
If those pass for “subtle behaviors”, can you imagine what the unsubtle behaviors would be? I’m very intrigued. Throwing crockery? Getting the lock changed while he’s at work? Using a flame-thrower on his Fender Stratocaster?
“Using a flame-thrower on his Fender Stratocaster?”
You DO realize that COULD be seen as a Crime Against Humanity, right?…
Yeah, making your partner remember you’d rather be fucking just about anyone besides them is his job, dammit. Also, why are you wearing so much makeup? Wait, no, you’re not wearing enough makeup. Also, he saw you brushing your teeth this morning. Gross. Who do you have to blow to get a decent porn star fantasy girlfriend around here?
Ah. So it IS unsubtle, then.
I heard a good way to get rid of jerks who openly ogle you is pick your nose. Now that’s what I call subtle.
The four surprising sex-appeal deflators in this piece are so incredibly, well, surprising that they couldn’t possibly have occurred to anyone. Now, having read, I am thinking This is so obvious, how could I not have known. Why on earth couldn’t I have thought of this myself?.
I beg to differ. There are so many things that would turn my stomach, ‘claws-out bitch sessions’ as such are not among them. It’s who bitches about whom, and why, that makes the difference: If someone is bitching about someone I am close to, especially if the bitching is unjustified, I’d be offended. Otherwise, let them rant, who cares?
I heard a good way to get rid of jerks who openly ogle you is pick your nose.
Farting and picking wedgies works pretty well too.
Don’t date people who say “saddle up to the ivory pony” unless they are talking about some kind of sex act (non involving shit).
I think I can endorse that rule.
This is the kind of article that makes me TRULY APPRECIATE the insight of Twisty Faster, when she avers, “To (most) men, females are sub-human”.
Because Yes, we are Human, and YES, we defecate, and blow our noses, and hair grows out off our skin, and a million other things. WE ARE HUMAN.
This Dude doesn’t want to fuck a human being. He wants a real doll.
Jesus.
Becuz the menz is way too stooopid to learn HOW TO KNOCK before entering?
Becuz the menz is too stupid to know that pushing 20 or 50…it often comes in a bottle…and at night…or with tweezers?
Thirty years later, the Better Half knocks…and also gets that flossing means he won’t be frenching dentures down the line.
Has no one invented the locked bathroom door yet? Or did loverboy force his entrance for a bit of inpromptu naughtiness? Very baffling.
Every time I log on to my MSN live messenger there’s some kind of advice on how to lure men, how to smooch, how to wipe my asscrack. it’s something new every day AHHH! Now according to this article according to MSN, people should not get married. Holy Jeebus.
Granted I haven’t ever taken a shit in front of any of my live in boyfriends before (and yes number two is a huge privacy issue for me. I went on a 3 day backpacking trip and did not move bowels…ONCE!). But everything else, comes with the territory. If I have to watch my boyfriend-roommate scrounge around deep in his scrotal pockets and ass crack in the shower, he can deal with me clipping my toenails.
But I think someone left a comment regarding the fantasy of the locked bathroom door. Let’s make this REAL people. Come on.
Gah MSN you make my head hurt.
Hey, not all guys are looking for a damn doll, the guy who wrote the MSN article probably does though. Normal bodily functions shouldn’t gross people out, and seriously toenail clipping and flossing? They think that is gross? Ok I agree that I don’t want to watch anyone take a shit, but damn people it’s just poop.
Then again not much fazes me, hell the first time I touched a vagina it was that time of the month, she told me “uh it might be messy down there.” I had no idea what she was talking about, I was too busy thinking “Holy Shit I’m touching a vagina!!” to worry about minor things like menstrual blood. Maybe that experience is why not much fazes me.
Life isn’t sparkling clean, maybe someday people will realize that all the things we find icky are just part of it. hell over Half of the cells in your body aren’t even yours. Think about that, most of what makes up your body is foreign bacteria (which keeps you alive), yet this guy is grossed out by a blackhead. What a tool.
Seriously, Kilgore Trout. I wonder if this tool sprays door handles with bleach before touching them or some shit. Undiagnosed OCD is nothing to sneeze at.