Gawker’s right. Their leaked Scientology video starring Tom Cruise is equal parts funny and terrifying. Enjoy it while you can, because even though Gawker’s claiming they’ll keep it up, the Scientologists have ways of making you crumple.
Now that Will Smith’s fallen, we’re all doomed, aren’t we?
Un-be-fucking-lieeeeeeevable. I’m really sorry it’s all gloom and doom from me when I find the time to post these days, but I am fed up with the defeatist language of the Democrats. It alternately depresses me to the point of inaction and sends me into a frothing tizzy accompanied by incoherent thoughts.
Allow me to do my best to sum up my feelings: THE DEMOCRATS ARE FUCKING IDIOTS. Every day, I become a tiny bit more convinced that the game is rigged and they’re trying to lose, because nothing else explains the astronomical levels of incompetency that pervade every campaign and every candidate and every organization.
The most recent example: Hillary Clinton, in an attempt to beat a fellow Democrat, basically showered her sum-bitch Republican opponent with gold, frankincense, and mer. [I had to include the frankincense and mer or that would've been a golden shower. And what she said was the opposite of peeing on him. Unfortunately. /digress.]
“If our nominee is running against someone with the legendary background of John McCain — Democrats need to think about this,” Clinton said. “Because we’re picking a nominee we expect to win. We cannot take four more years of more of the same.”
The LEGENDARY BACKGROUND? I realize the man was a PoW and all that, but come the fuck on. Why not just call him bulletproof? Why not just cut off any attempts to assail his character now and forever? If Hillary runs against McCain, this quote will be thrown in our faces the entire time. “Even tax and spend liberal demon Hillary Clinton thinks John McCain is ‘legendary.’ Vote McCain! Paid for by the Committee of Shitbirds to Elect John McCain.”
It gets worse. Well, maybe not worse, but it stays pretty damn bad.
“When I think about running against Senator McCain, if I’m so fortunate to be the Democratic nominee — you’ll never have to worry about being knocked out of the ring,” Clinton said to cheers. “I think I can go toe to toe with John McCain every single day.”
Oooooh boy! We MIGHT have someone who THINKS they can maaaaaybe go toe-to-toe with the Republican! Aren’t we full of bravado! Gosh, what a novel idea, expressing that perhaps you’re the equal of the person you’ll need to defeat to become President and just maybe shove the country back on the train tracks.
I can’t believe the Democrats are fighting amongst themselves to point out who best measures up to the awesomeness of the Republican candidate. This is political suicide. And worst of all, it’s a goddamn lie. John McCain’s a tough guy who went through some rough shit. He also sold his soul to get this nomination. And his voting record is disgusting.
Until someone in the party calls these hypocritical bastards by the names they deserve to be called, Democrats will never win. You’d think someone would’ve figured that out by now.
I guess when a country ponders approving a 3 trillion dollar budget when it’s already 9 trillion in the red, the idea of anyone ever actually paying off their bills must seem like a sucker bet. At least, that’s what certain “optimists” are *hoping* is the case when our little tax rebates start showing up in the mail:
The tax relief is intended to jump-start the economy. Politicians, worried about a recession in an election year, put aside their normal bickering to speed the proposal through Congress.
Nonetheless, there is debate over how effective it will be. Critics say debt-burdened consumers will use the money to pay bills rather than spending the checks and spurring growth.
An Associated Press-Ipsos poll found that only 19 percent of those surveyed said they planned to spend their rebate checks. Forty-five percent said they would pay off bills, while 32 percent said they planned to invest the money.
Supporters of the proposal said they have faith that people will spend the money when they get it.
“When you ask people what they will do with the money, they often say they will pay off their credit card bills,” said David Wyss, chief economist at Standard & Poor’s in New York. “People may mean it when they say it, but when you look at what they actually do, most of the money gets spent.”
Emphasis mine. Poor word choice is the AP’s.
The logic goes like this: people get their tax rebates, and instead of paying off new bills, they simply acquire more stuff. That infusion of cash into the economy supposedly turns our recession into more of a mild downturn. Disaster averted… today. But personal American debt is as out of control as the government’s and the legislators and economists supporting the rebate are literally banking on it staying that way. These bills will come due someday, though, just like they did in the subprime mortgage fiasco.
Economists and legislators pray that Americans continue to mismanage their long-term financial health so that we might nibble upon the tiniest morsel of temporary economic relief. And this is the norm. American economic policy of the last 30+ years has been designed to continually keep us afloat for the present moment, but by pushing back so many of the normal valleys that are supposed to accompany our peaks, we’ve simply collected all of them into a giant clump of gunk under the bed. One of these days, that clump’s going to become sentient, open its eyes, and in its repressed rage lay waste to everything around it.
But hey, hopefully that won’t happen in an election year, right?
A young Republican from Minnesota displays his maturity, his superior reasoning abilities, and yes, even his excellent grasp of his First Amendment rights in this touching story of a man and his fight against oppression.
Cody Hauer has been cited four times in one week for displaying a 13-inch-by-40-inch “Ron Paul Revolution” decal in the rear window of his car. The problem is that such decals are illegal if they obstruct the driver’s view.
“I support Ron Paul, the city police department doesn’t,” he said. “They gave me a DWR — driving while Republican.”
Stick it to the man, Cody – who are they to say you can’t obstruct your ability to see out of your car when you’ve got real problems to solve. Did you know that outside of the internet and some college campuses, no one gives a fuck about Ron Paul? This is very urgent, leaving you with no time to look out the back window when reversing or being polite to officers:
Besides being in violation of the law, Hauer showed disrespect toward the officer during each traffic stop, LaDue said. “He talks himself into a citation each time,” LaDue said.
Driving while Republican, indeed.
It’s almost Valentine’s Day, which is one of our favorite holidays over here at PAB, a time when we can pause, look at the people around us participating in the Valentine’s hype, and reflect about how much better we are than them because we’re so above that shit.
Especially us single ones. So nyah.
Ok, I’m kidding. Mostly. I also like Valentine’s Day for the after-holiday 75¢ itty bitty chocolate box. And I only know one or two people who go really nuts over Valentine’s. But still, there must be hype to convince the minority that are actually willing to spend real money on this stuff that they’re not the crazy ones, everyone else is just jealous. And where there’s a need for shallow, consumerist tension, there’s MSN. Hate Valentine’s Day? They’d help, but they have no idea what hate actually is. Have you considered dating out of your “type”? Maybe dating people and not stereotypes will bring you happiness this season! Ah, MSN, is there any answer they don’t have?
MSN even offers hope for people like me. You know, people who spend all day in the same place with the same people who already know you’re completely undesirable. I need fresh blood, preferably some that can’t detect the stigma of graduate studies oozing off of me. 10 New Places to Meet Someone! That’s perfect: as long as nine of them aren’t graduate school I can believe there’s a chance for me. I have only seven days to meet this terribly critical yet completely arbitrary deadline, so I hope at least one of these places is conveniently located. Let’s find out together!
(more…)
“Obama’s middle name is HUSSEIN. Like Saddam Hussein. Get it? That’s proof right there he’s part of the global jihadist movement.”
Believe it or not, I actually overheard a college-educated individual utter that statement while on a recent trip. Chalk up this brand of ignorant paranoia as reason #11043 the Democrats face a bigger uphill battle than most liberals I know would like to believe. And it doesn’t just come from the mouths of random citizens — it spews out of obnoxious governors who somehow became viable presidential candidates despite a disturbingly high creep factor.
Stepping aside for the unstoppable McCain Train, Mitt Romney claimed he was doing it to cockblock evildoers:
“If I fight on in my campaign, all the way to the convention, I would forestall the launch of a national campaign and make it more likely that Senator Clinton or Obama would win. And in this time of war, I simply cannot let my campaign, be a part of aiding a surrender to terror,” Romney told the Conservative Political Action Conference in Washington.
This not-so-subtle peek into the Right’s central frame in the upcoming general election should surprise no one; it’s merely an extension of Cheney’s gambit in 2004. To be fair, though, his “the danger is that we’ll get hit again” quote pales in comparison to Romney’s sentiment that a Clinton or Obama win is literally a “surrender to terror.” Apparently, Rodham is the new Hussein — or at least equally significant in the cunning freemasonesque code-ology of, um, global jihadists. Now, you don’t even need a scaaaary fer’in name to be terrorist friendly, you just need to be a Dem!
Alas, the Democrats have to continue their internal battle while the Republicans close ranks and go on the offensive. And the media’s eating it up. Did you ever in a million years think it would be this easy for any tax-and-spend(-and-fight) conservative — much less the country’s biggest supporter of the Iraq war — to gain such strong momentum so early?
That’s what happens when one side calls for togetherness while the other side calls them terrorists. And if we have to wait until the summer before Democrats play catch-up in the language battle with Republicans, this election won’t even be close.
Gonna be a loooong and grumpy year for ol’ punkass marc.
It’s 2 in the morning, Kyso has been drinking since noon. Her friend drops her off at home, and she realizes she has a sore throat and headache and fixes herself a cup of Theraflu and goes to tell her roommate about her day.
Roommate:..uh-huh, hey what’s that?
Kyso: Theraflu.
Roommate: Nononononono (takes cup from Kyso and puts it far away from her)
Kyso (In a huff): What? Fuck you! (Flounces to bathroom)
Roommate (When Kyso returns): Well I asked [everyone on his World of Warcraft chat thing] and they agree: taking Theraflu while bombed is a terrible, terrible idea.
Kyso: So the fuck what? What are they, doctors?
Roommate: Well, at least one, yes. D (another friend of his) checked him out when he first claimed to be a doctor, and he is.
Other Roommate: What? Oh, wait, ThunderGod, of course.
Kyso: Grrr. [Goes to bed without mutilating her liver].
My favorite anti-feminist, Lady Lydia, has discovered video blogging and once again reminds me that despite our differences, we have much in common. I, too, enjoy porches and folding towels into fun shapes, although I draw the line at embellishing a stack of ordinary folded towels.
And like Punkassblog, Home Living gets the occasional cry for help and tries to respond appropriately. Like this guy from Georgia (the country) who apparently learned English directly from the Bible and is easily thrown into a panic about things that won’t be happening:
A few months ago I had a conversation with a good friend of mine and he said something to the effect that in the near future, probably around three to five decades from now (years 2030-2050), that as a result of the ever-growing influence of feminism humanity will be altered to an extent that we will not even be recognizable as men and women any longer but will be likened unto the wild hyenas (those animals who have the ability to alternate their sexes at will). He calls this race a “rise of the unisex race”.
Ever since that prediction of his, I have been terrified by that, so much that it has been on my mind night and day (literally)…
I am trembling by such a thought, why isn’t God restraining their enterprise, why is he suddenly letting this happen when nothing like this ever happened before?
Sometimes I am almost convinced that we’re living in the last days and Christ is finally returning to judge this awful world. I really need a positive answer and a consolation to my constant worries, are my fears groundless? I sure hope that they are, otherwise I will never be able to live in such an dreadful world.
Most of Lydia’s commenters have suggested that our young Georgian calm down and focus on raising his own family; even the ones who agree with him that we live in the “end times” recommend getting a bit of a grip. So I’m going to skip past that bit, and also past our friend’s appalling grasp on evolution (species-wide catastrophic development and the obliteration of physical gender distinctions in 50 years? We’d pretty much have to do that surgically, and before we could even start that project we’d have to solve all the other problems all over the world first, otherwise it’s just good money thrown after bad. We’re still trying to get pay equality and decent conviction rates for rapists, fer crying out loud. I’m afraid that feminists don’t have the resources or organization necessary to Borg humanity even if we did want to do such a thing. So don’t worry, guys, you’ll get to keep your penis)
Anyway, I’m going to skip straight to the bit about hyenas. Because up till that moment, I had no idea that there were any mammals out there who could do that. Alternate sexes at will? Why wasn’t that in the Lion King?
Probably because it’s not true:
In mammals, all intact developmentally typical males have a penis, but the clitoris in the females of the following species is sufficiently enlarged that it is usually termed a pseudo-penis: spotted hyena,[1] squirrel monkey, lemur, and binturong.[2] The labia of the spider monkey are elongated and may be similarly confused during display. Elongated labia are also observed in humans.
The mammalian pseudo-penis appears to be simply for display, although the hyena is an exception: erection of the penis (which is voluntary in both sexes) is certainly a display of submission in both male and female spotted hyena, but the female hyena additionally uses her pseudo-penis for urination, copulation, and childbirth. In addition, this makes it difficult for males to mate without the full cooperation of females, which helps the female dominated society of spotted hyenas to eliminate forced sex. [3]
Hyena males and females are about the same size, and the females have some kind of super-clitoris, but they are still male and female. As for creeping sexual ambiguity, for all the relentless screeching of feminists women are more than willing to resort to surgery to trim enlarged labia into compliance with the standards of having a ‘feminine’ set of genitalia.
So to our Georgian friend: it’s OK if we become unto the wild hyena, for they are not Godless hermaphrodites; feminists would be OK with this as well, seeing as the hyena has solved a problem we’ve been concerned about for years: they’ve apparently eliminated rape. Getting rid of rape would calm a lot of feminists right down, and like pufferfish when calm we’d deflate into something much less intimidating. Although we’d still be nagging for pay equality and whatnot.
If you wish to feel less anxiety, I suggest getting friends whose batshit insane theories aren’t buttressed by discredited Victorian-era biological factoids. Switching to modern conspiracy theories will open you up to a larger community of panicky wackjobs, and you’ll sleep better at night knowing you’re not alone.
Six years, umpteen godzillion dollars and a Patriot Act later and this is all we got?
While the Defense Department conducts exhaustive planning for operations overseas, its planning for possible action inside the United States in response to attacks is inadequate, said the Commission on the National Guard and Reserves.
“We looked at their plans. They’re totally unacceptable,” said commission chairman Arnold Punaro, a retired Marine Corps major general.
“You couldn’t move a Girl Scout unit with the kind of planning they’re doing,” Punaro said
There’s a very good reason for this however: first, we’ve kind of ground the forces we have into tired shell-shocked overdeployed troop nubbins, and second, the brass left prefers petty inter-force fingerpointing and question-dodging to planning for domestic security.
Officials at Northern Command would not discuss the commission’s report, saying the Pentagon would first review the panel’s nearly 100 recommendations…
But the military has not dedicated sufficient time or resources to prepare for such a role, despite the creation of Northern Command after the September 11, 2001, attacks, according to the commission, created by Congress to study the best use of reserve forces.
That is partly because of historical tension between the federal government and states, the commission said. Defense officials also say the military sees its role in domestic emergencies in large part as supporting civilian agencies…
But since the 1990s, the Guard and Reserve have been used more regularly in combat. The availability of those forces, for example, has allowed Washington to conduct the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan without a draft, the commission said.
Repeated deployments to those wars strained reserve troops, their equipment and their families
Well, then at least we can assume Iraq & Afghanistan are going swimmingly, right, since the Pentagon is neglecting this hemisphere to work over there, right? Right?
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