when the status quo frustrates.

When knowing that God is watching isn’t enough, we’re there to help.

Wednesday, February 27th, 2008

Focus on the Family’s Boundless Webzine (check out their podcasts! I told you they were hip) isn’t afraid to tackle the hard issues; as distasteful as Candace Watters finds answering this question, it’s her Christian duty to tell all the young ladies out there how they can avoid the fires of hell that surely await them for all that masturbating. The poor girl is a nymphomaniac, masturbating upwards of twice a week with only a few days of tortured guilt in between.

I’ve never even kissed a guy since I was a little kid, but there have been so many other things … porn, masturbation, cyber sex.

Or whacking off and whacking off accessories, as the case may be. Anyway, I have to warn against the cybering. I did it once and the knowledge that the ex who was my worst breakup keeps every log of every ICQ conversation he’s ever had will haunt me for the rest of my life. Masturbation is of course OK, and if looking at ‘porn’ bothers you switch to tasteful soft-focus black&white pictures and haughtily tell your friends that they can keep their uncouth porn, you much prefer ‘erotica.’

But nevermind, this is Boundless so of course masturbation is not “OK.” It is a sinful selfish act robbing your future spouse of what is rightfully his. Also, our poor masturbator is concerned that she’ll pass her super freaky freak genes onto her kids, so someone should probably explain to her that all infants touch themselves before she has some of her own, panics and accidentally gives them all sorts of weird complexes. Candice to the rescue, of course:

You may be wondering why I would answer such a candid question here. At first, I wasn’t sure it was appropriate. But given the stats on masturbation, porn use and sexual addiction among women — and the overwhelming cultural assurance that all this and more is normal and expected — I decided it was not only acceptable, but necessary…As you pointed out, these sins are harmful precisely because of the way they damage your shot at your real desire: a healthy marriage and family. The combination of masturbation, pornography and fantasy are deadly because they make godly intimacy with another, real, person so difficult, if not impossible.

It is such a filthy, filthy topic for Boundless. Candice should have just sent our writer to the MidwestTeenSexShow (Thanks, Masturbation!) and saved herself a bout of the vapors. They have excellent episodes on both pornography and female masturbation. Since the writer was concerned about her masturbating but Candice mostly gave porn-avoidance tips, as though you can’t have one without the other (Note to boundless: it’s not like oreos and milk. You can in fact masturbate without looking at porn first. Trust me) it seems like some other input would be helpful.

But she shouldered bravely on, letting us know that the letter-writer is right, every time she orgasms baby Jesus cries, and suggests you get rid of every computer in the house if that’s what it takes to stop looking at porn. Also, libraries are dens of iniquity; damn you First Amendment! damn you to hellllllL!!!! But the most interesting tip was signing up for “Covenant Eyes” a service that will literally email the “accountability partner” of your choice a report of your every online move. Not even kidding, the “sample report” lists the top 20 websites viewed by the suspect – I mean, repenting sinner- even if it’s not porn. My accountability partner would know where I bank, shop, and where I got my news from. But of course since I can trust him, there’s no reason to be concerned.

Surveys show at least 70 percent of men and 21 percent of women struggle with online pornography. Escape the temptation by removing the secrecy of the Internet with Covenant Eyes Accountability software.

Once Covenant Eyes software is installed on a Windows or Mac computer, it monitors and records all web activity and scores all sites according to the maturity of content. This information is presented in a customizable report that is emailed to the Accountability Partner(s) of your choice.

You can also cut off your own internet access to spite your face with the Panic Button. It’s easy, simply right click on the taskbar icon, select Panic and confirm that you are in fact panicking. Then your accountability partner will be notified and it’ll take a tech support call to get your internet back, which I assume is some kind of avoidance training.

The “Panic Button” is primarily designed for those who find themselves tempted beyond control, yet really have a desire for purity in their Internet use. In the face of temptation, the Panic Button allows the user to cut off all Internet use — surfing, email, chat, instant messaging, everything.

Internet use is cut off until the user calls in to our tech support, at which time it is turned back on. The Accountability Partners are notified when the Panic Button is used.

Why Big Brother yourself when you can let Covenant Eyes do it at a fraction of the cost?

…Covenant Eyes, the most secure and economical way of ensuring integrity through accountability. Not only are the church computers on the program now, but all of the board members, and many of the congregation are also on the program…

Mr. Scalia’s iPod

Tuesday, February 26th, 2008

Mother Jones has gotten a hold of some of the music that U.S. troops use to “induce sleep deprivation, “prolong capture shock,” disorient detainees during interrogations—and also drown out screams.”


I find the use of Rage Against the Machine and Springsteen particularly abhorrent (not only because of the artists’ politics, but because I happen to like those songs). I wonder if they know about it. The music used to smoke out Noriega was far more creative.

This prompts me to ask: What music would you choose to drown out the screams of your victims? I’m thinking Anal Cunt’s “Hitler Was a Sensitive Man.”

Hat tip: Corvus.

I said slut, but what I meant was, well, slut but I probably should have used some kind of code word there so Ayaan wouldn’t scold me

Sunday, February 24th, 2008

Amanda points to Rod Dreher’s take on a recent NYT style article about sexed-up wedding dresses. Now this being a New York Time’s slut-shaming style piece, it is of course unintentionally hilarious, trying to mix up the usual fluffy attempts to pass off a super-fabulous wealthy lifestyle as normal (who among us doesn’t get separate designer dresses for our two destination ceremonies?) with some old fashioned flyover country slut shaming (I know that when I’m spending upwards of $15,000 on a dress, my first thought is if my “male relatives” would approve. This is because I’m the daughter of a Saudi Arabian oil sheik).

Amanda just wanted to make fun of Rod for getting so giddy about slamming slutty women, but this left the post with little room for the real comedy gold, the post Ayaan Hirsi Ali-talking-to stuttering retraction, easily six times as long as the original post, minus the NYT quote. Ayann Hirsi Ali, you’ll remember, is that ass-kicking-name-taking former Muslim who is currently an awkward fit as the darling of the intellectual wingnut set. The problem is that the pundit-types love her because she is very angry at the whole concept of Islam, as she should be considering her experience, and as a result she’s willing to fawn over how superior Western culture is to the barbaric Muslim patriarchy. Which is great for everyone, except she’s also an outspoken atheist as a direct result of the way religion was used as a stick to beat her down, and she’s got an anti-patriarchy streak a mile wide. Since this is apparantly a marriage of ideological convenience and she knows she always lands on her feet whatever happens, when her gracious hosts and sponsoring community says shit like this:

The bride’s a slut. They call it progress…Natasha DaSilva, that tattoo just above your butt telegraphs to the world that you’re one classy dame. I’m sure your daughters will be so proud of you one day. “Wow, Mom, you really hooched up your wedding, didn’t you?” Dreary old me, I miss bridal hypocrisy.

Ali’s not going to let them get away with it just because they’re signing some of her checks and snorking up the copies of her books. Which means that people like Rod are going to have to do some interesting mental yoga tricks to convince her that there is an important distinction between Islamic fundamentalist slut-stoning and Christian fundamentalist slut-shaming. Otherwise, their cover may be blown and they’ll lose some of their influence on the reality-based community. Since she’s an atheist, the God-trumps-Allah card is not working and honestly, these guys don’t seem to have an argument B.

When I say “slut,” I’m being intentionally provocative, and as I indicated in a further comment below, the absence of her virginity is not what I mean by sluttiness, but rather her belief that her wedding day is an opportunity to show how little she cares about sexual purity. That’s slutty behavior, period, and we shouldn’t be afraid to condemn it…

However, I just heard a woman, Hirsi Ali, talk about how sexual purity is taken to such a psychotic extreme in Islamic culture that women are beaten, tortured and even murdered for having violated the code of honor. Hirsi Ali, who is no longer religious, said in her remarks that she believes religion should have nothing to say about sexual morality. That is clearly unacceptable to any remotely traditional religious person, but given that she’s an atheist now,….That Islam and Islamic law is fanatical about sexual purity doesn’t mean that a respect and an idealizing of sexual purity is wrong. Obviously there is a gulf between Christianity and Islam on this point.

Oh, yeah, a great gulf. A gasping, yawning chasm. For instance, did you know that in some Muslim-dominated areas of the world, it is very difficult, if not impossible, for a woman to get proper medical care because of religious laws about strange men being able to see a woman’s body, and restrictions on women prevented female doctors from practicing, or new ones from being trained? But in Christian-dominated areas, women are denied access to medical services because the doctors, or in some cases, appointment-setters, themselves are personally morally opposed to that specific care. See? Worlds of difference! I could go on, but it’s lunchtime. Suffice to say the only difference between devout evangelical Christians and devout Muslims is that the Muslims can make a modest swimsuit that doesn’t look like ass. I highly doubt that if Rod’s people were given the kind of control over us that fundamentalist Muslims have in some countries that our women wouldn’t feel the need for hymen replacement surgeries before our weddings as well. Because America’s religious right just respects and idealizes sexual purity, gazing upon virginal purity like the rest of us would appreciate a fine painting, and never feels entitled to try and shove their beliefs and morals on the rest of us, by law or force. And they respect all women and the very concept of womanhood, as Rod’s own post demonstrates.

You’ll have to do better than that, Rod. Ayaan’s pretty smart, I hear.

They’re gonna kill Obama

Saturday, February 23rd, 2008

or let him be killed, apparently. That would be double-stuff good for The Powers That Be, having some racist gunhumper breeze through the non-existent deterrents and do in the primary threat to the status quo. Then they could avoid the tiresome hassle of ginning up some lame cover-up story for their operative/patsy.

Conveniently, you’d also get a new wave of irrational mortality hysteria everywhere, with people forking over their votes and their rights once more to cuddle up in bed with ma and pa warmonger. Talk about synergy.

Speaking truth to power when you’re a sincere threat to acquire some of that power just ain’t gonna fly in modern America.

Ask the Kennedys.


Wednesday, February 20th, 2008

If you didn’t catch the beginning of that eclipse there’s still time to catch the end!

Drop that cigarette, mister!

Tuesday, February 19th, 2008

From now on, I want to see men being given the same intrusive, ridiculous health advice that pre-menopausal women get, because it turns out they need to take care of themselves for the hypothetical baybies.

Scientists say fathers who smoke and drink should be aware they are potentially not just damaging themselves, but also their heirs.

Tests on rats showed sperm damage caused by exposure to garden chemicals remained up to four generations later…

She said men who drank a lot of alcohol had been shown to have increased rates of sperm defects; and nicotine from tobacco found its way into seminal fluid as well as blood.

Professor Daniels said: “We need to open up our eyes and look at the evidence.

“My advice to young couples would be moderation. Substances that have an impact on reproduction are often also carcinogenic.

“If I was a young man I would not drink very heavily and not smoke two packets of cigarettes a day while I was trying to conceive a child.”

Ya hear that, boys? If you think it’s even possible that you might get a woman pregnant in the near future, you owe it to your heirs to practice moderation in all vices. Sure, right now they’re just saying you might want to keep it somewhere under 2 packs or a whole case per day, but that’s just the start of the slippery slope. In a few years, we can have it so that you get dirty looks for even being in the beer cooler while your pregnant wife loiters out in the store aisle.

Welcome to hell, guys, population: fertile.

Because women were never assaulted before they could vote.

Monday, February 18th, 2008

Newspapers make me sad:

A Des Moines woman who refused to take off her top and imitate a Girls Gone Wild video had her cell phone stolen and was assaulted by her tormentors, police said…Four young men are listed as suspects in the case. No arrests have been reported.

Newspapers with comment sections make me sadder:

here is who blame you blame libs, womens rights, the parent who want to be friends with thier kids, the a**clowns and the other parent that won’t displine there children i am 37 years old if mother found out i did something like she would beat my a** it is called respect somehow we lost it don’t get me wrong i like girl gone wild but i know right from wrong

Liberals and women’s rights are to blame for a girl getting Oreos thrown at her for not disrobing? You “like” GGW but you totally know right from wrong and this girl not gone wild is in the wrong? You, Mr Thomas Big Dog, are an asshole.

I shouldn’t get too upset, it’s just one douchebag, but still, sometimes you just want to choke some sense into people. Women’s rights, whatever. Like women have it so much better when you protect them from their rights.

Tattoo cowgirl 2D once more, probably sporting a wicked scar

Monday, February 18th, 2008

One man’s experience with tattoo boob implants (no, not kidding) warns us all:

“The body rejects 20% of them, no matter what kind of implant it is, how safely it’s done, or how skilled the surgeon or artist is. A lot of places won’t tell you rejection rates before you buy $10,000 implants to stuff inside your body. They tell you later, which is dangerous.”

He admitted being a little jealous of those whose bodies accept implants without problems. A Dragon FX co-worker recently had a small music note implanted below her ribcage, which Jensen said looks fantastic.

The graphic detail about the body rejecting the implants is a little nauseating. And that was just a tiny one, in his leg. Imagine if you put something in your real rack or face and that happened. Ewwwww.

It’d be more convenient to help a bitch if she wasn’t so hysterical.

Monday, February 18th, 2008

Is this more sad or more outrageous? I’m leaning towards infuriating:

“The police officer said if you call us one more time on him, I’m going to arrest you both,” Sherry Hall said. “So, the day she died, she knew she couldn’t talk to police. So, she handled it herself.”

Michele Karpowicz said everyone noticed the warning signs before the homicide — except police.

Let Gabriel Whats-his-face assure you that you’re not a completely unloveable meatbag

Wednesday, February 13th, 2008

Amanda, via Anne, already fisked this but it’s too rich and I couldn’t resist. A 30-something LA-based actor whom you couldn’t pick out of a lineup wants to let the ladies know you’re free to be you. Kind of. He opens by describing the type of woman who can catch his interest:

She was a slender, vibrant redhead in a bright orange dress—you couldn’t miss her.

Even though he opens with a line she’s obviously heard a million times before:

“You’re wearing my favorite color,” I said. “I like orange because it rhymes with—”

“Nothing,” she finished. The spark was undeniable.

For some reason she slips him a card and agrees to date him, where she continues to be smarter, more successful, and hotter than he is. Back at her place (she’s not only sparkling and sexy, she’s also a fast mover) he discovers she has breast implants and goes a bit soft imagining the surgery. He’s been in LA for years but artificially enhanced women give him the screaming heebie-jeebies. Tessa knows exactly how to deal with this problem:

“Get out,” she said.

Before I knew what had hit me, I was back in my car, driving away from the first woman who’d sparked my interest in months. What just happened? Was I really going to let plastic surgery get in the way of my search for love—again?

You see, Gabe has a problem: in Los Angeles for some reason the women get lots of plastic surgery and aren’t always sincere. Can’t think of why not, but they’ve inadvertently given Gabe a serious existential crises: when he’s with them, are they really seeing his awesome, or like the boobs, are they all fake?

But then questions would fill my head: Is this woman really who she seems to be? Am I dating the person or the persona? Inevitably my attraction to them floundered, and the relationship did too.

Was Tessa really a funny, wealthy, eye-catching investment banker, or was she a filthy she-whore made of lies like all the others? If only she’d not perverted that sexy body with artificial accouterments to make it so sexy, then Gabe could trust her. He might not have asked her out responded to her booty call, but at least he could have trusted her if he had. After all, women without subcutaneous silicone are renowned for their ability to never hurt or deceive a man.

Outrage overload

Tuesday, February 12th, 2008

Spanish Inquisition
If we need to have fascism, can it at least be well-dressed fascism?

Okay, so this fellow Scalia has actually managed the unthinkable, which is to change my mind on the ethics of torture. Previously, as you may recall, I had the sane belief that torture was always unethical, under any circumstances. But this good judge has convinced me that torture is ethical in precisely one situation.

Say you have a batshit insane lawmaker who has never missed a meal, let alone suffered actual deprivation or, say, stress positions or waterboarding. Say he’s trying to remove legal barriers to torture, since there are only legal barriers remaining, and not very many of those. Say he claims torture no big deal. I think it might possibly be okay to give him a little of what he wants to inflict upon random Middle Easterners—if only because this is such an urgent threat that can apparently be stopped by no other means.

The funniest/saddest quote in that article is this one, though:

“We don’t pretend to be Western mullahs who decide what is right and wrong for the whole world,” he said in the broadcast.

The guy is just insane. If we can’t waterboard him, he should at least be locked up for everyone’s protection.

Ultimately, it’s too late. The U.S. has already granted itself the right to abduct prisoners of war and citizens of other countries, imprison them indefinitely without legal recourse, torture them until they make false confessions, and now, it can execute them too.

David Sheldon, an attorney and former member of the Navy’s legal corps, said an execution chamber at Guantanamo would be largely beyond the reach of U.S. courts.

I think this is the point at which I can no longer be accused of exaggeration or Godwin’s Law violations when I make the claim that the U.S. is running concentration camps. Were I an American, I’d be hard-pressed to cast a ballot for any of the candidates right now, since none of them are talking about this no-longer-slow-at-all slide into fascism, let alone planning to put a stop to it.

This would be a good time to remember that you don’t owe Bush or the neocons a goddam thing

Tuesday, February 12th, 2008

The Senate gave Bush his precious telecomm immunity.

After nearly two months of stops and starts, the Senate rejected by a vote of 31 to 67 a move to strip away a grant of retroactive legal immunity for the companies…

The Senate also rejected two amendments that sought to water down the immunity provision.

One, co-sponsored by Republican Arlen Specter of Pennsylvania and Democrat Sheldon Whitehouse of Rhode Island, would have substituted the government for the telecoms in lawsuits, allowing the court cases to go forward but shifting the cost and burden of defending the program.

The other, pushed by California Democrat Dianne Feinstein, would have given a secret court that oversees government surveillance inside the United States the power to dismiss lawsuits if it found that the companies acted in good faith and on the request of the president or attorney general.

It’s up to you, House of Representatives. Please try representing us and our interests. It would be a refreshing change, and PS to Democrats: showing a little spine now would be oh so terribly helpful to your presidential hopefuls. Come on now, go on, show some spine. You can do it, we know you can!