PunkAssBlog.com

It’s almost Valentine’s Day, which is one of our favorite holidays over here at PAB, a time when we can pause, look at the people around us participating in the Valentine’s hype, and reflect about how much better we are than them because we’re so above that shit.

Especially us single ones. So nyah.

Ok, I’m kidding. Mostly. I also like Valentine’s Day for the after-holiday 75¢ itty bitty chocolate box. And I only know one or two people who go really nuts over Valentine’s. But still, there must be hype to convince the minority that are actually willing to spend real money on this stuff that they’re not the crazy ones, everyone else is just jealous. And where there’s a need for shallow, consumerist tension, there’s MSN. Hate Valentine’s Day? They’d help, but they have no idea what hate actually is. Have you considered dating out of your “type”? Maybe dating people and not stereotypes will bring you happiness this season! Ah, MSN, is there any answer they don’t have?

MSN even offers hope for people like me. You know, people who spend all day in the same place with the same people who already know you’re completely undesirable. I need fresh blood, preferably some that can’t detect the stigma of graduate studies oozing off of me. 10 New Places to Meet Someone! That’s perfect: as long as nine of them aren’t graduate school I can believe there’s a chance for me. I have only seven days to meet this terribly critical yet completely arbitrary deadline, so I hope at least one of these places is conveniently located. Let’s find out together!

“Join a charity committee. Not only will you be giving back, but it automatically puts you in a feel-good setting with like-minded, educated, concerned people who care about more than clubs and bars and partying.”

See “like-minded, educated, concerned people who care about more than clubs and bars and partying”; read “loaded! cha-ching!”

No, I don’t think this is for me. I get bored at formal events, am bad at small talk and don’t actually have any money of my own, although I do have relatives who give me nice coats at Christmas, which is why another graduate student once looked at me and said “you look like you have money, do you have change for a $20?” The real rich, however, will know I’m a fraud. Let’s move on.

The cosmetics counter of a chic department store is great place to meet women.

I’m not saying I’d not date a woman, but I’d certainly not date the type of woman who could be picked up from the cosmetics counter of a chic department store. See above: no money. This tip was offered by a cosmetics company executive, who is probably unaware that the term “high maintenance” implies there are women out there who are “low maintenance,” much unlike saying the sky is blue implies that somewhere else it might be purple.

“I think a great place to meet guys is a cooking class because there’s nothing more impressive than a man who cooks—and if he’s learning to improve his cooking skills, there’s probably a candlelit dinner or two in your future.”

Oh, Jesus, if there’s one thing I don’t do, it’s compete for a guy’s attention. If 2 or more women want the same guy, I’m the first out of that race every time. If he knows how awesome I am, he’d best be the second. Why should I pay $75 plus materials for a cooking class where it’s me and who knows how many other women competing for the one guy in the class? That’s just poor time and money management, and that kind of inability to effective gauge your odds vs the effort is what keeps people single.

This tip, by the way, was offered by a “lifestyle reporter.”

Yoga! Yoga is a great place for men to meet women—classes are filled with gorgeous, flexible, strong women who are into fitness and the body/mind connection.

I’ve been telling men this for years, but I’m afraid that in Ohio, there is still a very strong association between men taking yoga and being a faggy mchomo queer with no nuts, NO NUTS I tell you!, which means the only men in the yoga class are either a) faggy mchomo queers* or b) enlightened guys who take yoga on Tuesdays so that their wives or girlfriends can go on Thursdays when it’s their turn to watch the kids or c) Nice Guys. And it’d be a testosterone-heavy course if we had one of each in a single class. Or one of any, even.

Play poker. Find a group night at a bar or club or lounge or a charity tournament. It’s great for women because it is typically so male-oriented, though more and more women are getting into it.

Real poker players get mad when you don’t know the rules. Hell, the guy I was having sex with only ever wanted me to play with him when it was either get me to play or there wouldn’t be enough players. Next.

Hands down, the greatest place for people to meet one another has to be a book-signing event.

This quote was not from a bookstore manager, and that actually makes me sad because this means he might be sincere. A book-signing event? Is that like when Border’s has that guy sitting at the door who you smile nervously at as you brush by, lest he try to talk to you about his book that you have no intention of reading? That’s an event? Where do these people live?

I’m going to skip the next tip because they actually come out and admit that you have to live in New York to take advantage of it. The honesty was refreshing.

Meeting boys at church is the only way to go. You already know they’re good, which you can’t learn at a bar!

I’m going to have to ask Holly Dunlap, creative director for Hollywould shoes, to really examine that assumption *coughTedHaggardcough* Also, I’m not religious, and I’m pretty sure pretending to believe in God to snag a Valentine’s Day date breaks a commandment or something.

“Believe it or not, shooting ranges are a hot hook-up spot. Besides the fact that the guy-to-girl ratio is way better than at a bar, the novelty of learning how to shoot a gun makes for fun conversation. Also, most guys think a chick taking shooting lessons is really hot.”

Finally, a tip that’s geographically relevant. However, there is the chance that while I’m hitting on guys at the shooting range, I’ll run into that co-worker who would totally cockblock, plus he’ll blow my cover about being a hairdresser.

For something a little different, try a physical challenge—join a local co-ed triathlon training group or sign up for a 10k race with some others. It’s athletic, it’ll get you off your couch and it’s very social.”

Ah! Good advice. Amanda was right-they always sneak one in that isn’t completely worthless. It’s so unfair-every time I get to the decoy, it makes me feel briefly bad about being so mean about the other advice, even if the other tips were actually god-awful.

Still seeing as the 10 tips boils down to two (1. Live the life of a young upper middle class New Yorker, in New York. 2. Move your ass, lazyass) I’m not taking back a single snark.

*This is a flagrant generalization. To my knowledge, I’ve never actually met a gay man in a yoga class.