Comments on: I ain’t saying she’s a gold-digger

By: zingerella

zingerella — Wed, 09 Jan 2008 17:41:33 +0000

My first boyfriend insisted on paying for everything. He also had way more money than I did, so I let him. Now that I look back on it, he was the target of these dating articles: he really believed that his paying for stuff meant that I should reward him by 1) always looking “nice” (i.e. dressing up for dates), 2) helping him with his homework (since I was “the smart one”), and 3) eventually putting out. That teenage relationship was deeply dysfunctional in a number of ways, and I blame the patriarchy for most of them.

Since that deeply messed-up adolescent relationship, though, one of two models has prevailed in my dating and relationships. If I’m dating someone who has significantly more money than I do, that person will treat me if they want to do something that falls outside my budget, because, well, either they treat me or they find a date who can afford to share the cost, or we don’t attend that event together. Usually on a first date, we split the tab, however if someone insists, I don’t argue, because arguing about money is unseemly. I just make sure to get the next one, if there is a next date. With my wealthier boyfriend, I’ve made sure to pick up activities when I have money; when I don’t, he pays for anything he really wants to do with me, or we do inexpensive things. If I’m dating someone whose as penurious as I am, we do inexpensive things, and we generally split the tab; one person will treat the other if the other is particularly broke or the person treating has come into some money. On the rare occasions that I’ve been the flush party in a relationship, I’ve picked up the tab more often, for things I wanted to do together.

I should mention that it works this way with my non-romantic friends, too.

By: steven crane

steven crane — Tue, 08 Jan 2008 18:29:05 +0000

i once had a girlfriend who insisted that i should pay for everything because women only make 75% of what men do.

the fact that i was making a scant $8/hour was kinda lost on her.

By: Brenda

Brenda — Mon, 07 Jan 2008 18:17:34 +0000

I definitely run in Canuckistani-lefty circles and generally whoever asks pays on a first date, and then I fall into a turn-taking deal. I’m in a long-term monogamous relationship, so we basically take turns. Like “you paid for dinner last night, let me get the movie.” As opposed to actually evenly splitting cheques.

By: Alex, FCD

Alex, FCD — Sun, 06 Jan 2008 18:25:39 +0000

I’ve always gone with the old “I’ll pay for this date and you can pay for the next one” system. The only drawback is that it leads to arguments about who payed for the last date.

By: jp

jp — Sun, 06 Jan 2008 03:19:42 +0000

You aren’t alone…I don’t know anyone who dates like that (”datey-dates”).

Or maybe we are all just freaks!

But no regrets…I’ve had a great life, and am now happy with someone I will grow old with.

So, yay for us!

By: Amanda Marcotte

Amanda Marcotte — Sun, 06 Jan 2008 02:01:30 +0000

Somewhat lying, I think. I’m sure that men pick up a lot of checks on the first date, but I bet not nearly as often as they’re pretending.

By: Thene

Thene — Sat, 05 Jan 2008 21:41:07 +0000

IAWTC, Sera. #1 especially is what I feel is occurring and that squicks me. Not least because some guys - even guys who otherwise are not total assholes - find it hard to take ‘no’ for an answer. And once in a blue moon I get offered a drink by someone who seems genuinely fantastic, and that makes me feel equally uneasy because the same power dynamic is there.

By: Sera

Sera — Sat, 05 Jan 2008 21:33:30 +0000

Expensive “dinner and a movie” dates are this uneccessarily expensive thing that people do in the course of courtship because capitalism tells them too. I much prefer the “homemade dinner and Netflix movie” dates I’ve been on, and that sort of thing makes it way harder to fight over who pays.

Also, no dude has ever offered to buy me drink who I didn’t immediately feel was trying to

1) Strike up a conversation with me without actually having to have anything in common with me or having received any signal from me that I was interested, as I would obviously feel obliged to talk to a man with beer.

2) Get as many beers into me as possible before the bar closed so as to render me inebriatedly slutty.

By: Thene

Thene — Sat, 05 Jan 2008 16:51:39 +0000

I don’t ‘do’ dating - I establish relationships, then we tend to take turns or go with whoever’s most solvent for nights out. But I’m tired enough of the practice of men buying me drinks in bars. I find it uncomfortable but refusing, or going ‘No - can I get you a drink?’ is a form of social escalation that could constitute party pooping. I’m not comfy with being bought drinks - I guess because it feels like my time/attention is being purchased when I’d rather just distribute those things where I will.

By: Kyso Kisaen

Kyso Kisaen — Sat, 05 Jan 2008 14:53:48 +0000

The only time I ever had a boyfriend who paid for most everything, he made way more than I did. And he was still kind of a dick about it. Other than that, I’ve usually been on a s/he who asks, pays for first dates, followed by 50/50 split on dates thereafter excluding special occasions.