I don’t remember Prince Charming talking that much in any of the movies.
Published by Kyso Kisaen December 29th, 2007 in Punkass!, For the ladies, Looks like someone needs an intervention, WankersAs a feminist-type blogger I have, on occasion, participated in making a mockery of men who try to buy brides from poverty-stricken foreign lands and justify it by idealizing the feminine allure that women of [insert country of choice here] just naturally have in spades unlike coarse, jaded American women, spoiled by decades of feminism. And god knows it’s like shooting fish in a barrel, because come on, could they get any more transparent? But what about the noble creature who knows that feminism hasn’t completely won, that hasn’t given up on us American women, that knows that somewhere in those amber waves of grain exists the perfect woman if only he’d seek her out?
Yes, there exists such a man. In Mesa, Arizona he waits for his muse, his love, nay…his Cinderella.
No, I’m not kidding. Neither is he. And he knows it’s a tough find, for he’s made it a nationwide search.
I already have more than most men could hope to achieve. I do not consider myself rich but I would call myself well off. I am well known and respected throughout my industry. I do not come from a life privilege, all I have achieved I have earned.
I’m sure he’s as handsome as he is modest. What could a man worthy of such praise possibly be lacking?
I lack a muse, a companion who I can share all that I have to offer. What do I offer? I offer my lifestyle, my wealth, my dedication, all that I have, to be shared equally.
I am seeking Cinderella.
Now, before you get your hopes up, please understand that he’s looking for the perfect woman, his Cinderella, and it’s going to take a while to describe this to make sure you measure up. He wants to take a woman with nothing and offer her everything so you’d best believe that there’s a laundry list of what you’ll be bringing to the table before we can even consider ’sharing equally’, because MesaMan is a fair man and wants to avoid any power imbalance caused by lavishing his fortune on an unworthy female specimen. So don’t even start reading this personal ad unless you are willing to make a sincere commitment to finishing it and evaluating yourself harshly before responding. Are you sure you’re ready? Because there’s a chance you won’t measure up, and that’s OK. There still might be a little something something in it for your fugly ass pessimistic undesirable self.
I am seeking for a girl who wants to be treated like a princess…It means being treated with respect, and appreciation of her femininity and being embraced as a whole person…
I’m seeking for a girl who wants to truly be taken care of…That doesn’t mean dependence. It means a girl who can see that being ruthlessly independent is just as flawed as being totally dependent, a girl who realizes that the key is interdependence, where the sum is greater than the parts. It’s realizing that having someone give you the moon and stars is not an insult to her individuality…
I am seeking for a girl who embraces the power of her femininity…
I am seeking a girl who believes in the beauty and truth of art, poetry, music and literature.
And, last but not least, he’s seeking a girl between the ages of 18-21 years old, shorter than he is and please, no implants. Why so young and supple? Well, it turns out that despite being a graduate with honors of the School of Hard Knocks, our friend has retained a dazzling, childlike wonder of the infinite possibilities of a benevolent universe, and needs a woman of untainted innocence to walk on the path towards a better tomorrow alongside him.
Regretfully the many of other members of my gender can be less than appreciative or kind. This can tend to leave a woman guarded and somewhat jaded. I am looking for a girl who still sees possibilities rather than obstacles. I am looking for someone to share the world with; this requires an ability to see the world without preconceptions.
The perfect woman will be wild in the sack, yet instinctively aware that monogamy is the hottest game in town. She will enjoy non-sexual gestures of affection as well, unlike most women who despise any contact that isn’t clearly a part of the plan to get in her pants. This is a tall order indeed, but don’t forget that MesaMan will be providing, in exchange, not only creature comforts and a dizzying array of artistic and intellectual stimulation, but also forgiveness of your trespasses. Like Jesus, if Jesus had a McMansion for you to decorate. So really, better than Jesus.
While interested, I am unconcerned with her past. While I agree our past lays the foundation for our lives and should not be ignored, I must note that rather than being the product of my environment I am the product in spite of it. Even her present situation can be dismissed. It is her future that matters. Life begins with each moment.
For some reason, that reminds me of our local Army recruiter, Staff Sgt Whatshername, who runs commercials on local radio stations aimed at high schoolers and young adults, reminding them where her office is if they ever want to talk about joining the army. After a cheerful message about where her office is and how to reach her, almost as an afterthought the announcer says “You can call collect if you need to.” And right then, you know everything you need to know.
Now clearly the perfect woman will not be swayed by merely the idea of great wealth, even if you sweeten the pot by being very understanding of her appearance in one of those Girls Gone Wild videos. What about MesaMan as a person? If you stripped away the achievement and the wealth and it was just you and him with the clothes on your backs, walking hand in hand towards the possibilities of tomorrow, who would she be walking with?
Well, certainly not an enigma wrapped in a paradox wrapped in bacon, oh, no! She’s getting a real Renaissance man.
My interests are eclectic. I find spirituality, and philosophy to be woven into the human experience. I love art in all forms. My musical tastes range vastly from classical to jazz to rock to hip-hop. I find politics interesting. I love movies, from to common to the obscure. I am an avid fan of literature and poetry both modern and classical. I believe in living life in excess while maintaining simple comfort.
While I wish to maintain my anonymity for the moment, I will be completely forthcoming and honest to any questions asked of me. If I do not wish to answer a question I will be direct as to why. There will be no guessing, no hidden agenda, and no great mystery.
Be still, my heart. I’ve searched the world over for a man capable of liking both new and old white people AND black people music, movies that I’ve heard about and movies that I haven’t, and who finds “spirituality and philosophy woven into the human experience.” I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had this conversation:
Me: Would you like some spirituality, or maybe philosophy?
Him: No thanks, I’m busy with the human experience right now. You can’t do both at once.
Me: Oh, OK, maybe some other time.
Him: Uh, sure, I’ll call you.
And he never does. It’s too bad I’ve reached the hoary old age of 26, and am thus ineligible to be showered with MesaMan’s material, intellectual and spiritual riches. Which means I’ve lost my paid ticket to Mesa (”If you are willing to relocate, and we both comfortable with each other, I will move you here to Arizona with me.” There’s no reciprocal offer of him moving to you if you don’t wish to relocate) but I haven’t totally lost yet:
To prove I am serious in this search I am offering a reward. If you know someone you believe meets my description, contact them and have them contact me. If they turn out to be the one, I will reward you $5000 as gratitude for helping make the connection.
If Craigslist doesn’t work for MesaMan, he may need to try more mainstream dating ads, such as Sugardaddie.com, where as you can imagine, the “classy, attractive and affluent meet,” or possibly even a regular alt-weekly. However, there are sometimes word limits on ads, so we’re going to have to tighten this up:
Single white male, over 35, libertarian pseudo-intellectual seeks ego-propping trophy wife. Me: verbose, pompous, fiscally secure You: cute like a basket of kittens, good at nodding, 18-21, shorter but not smarter than me, nonthreatening, willing to relocate, cleans up good. Prenup not optional, email for details.
This isn’t a slight on MesaMan in particular, but I’d like to meet someone who doesn’t claim their music tastes are “eclectic”.
I love art in all forms. My musical tastes range vastly from classical to jazz to rock to hip-hop. I find politics interesting. I love movies, from to common to the obscure. I am an avid fan of literature and poetry both modern and classical.
In other words, I am deeply depressed and can’t really like or enjoy anything, but I can pretend to like what you like, and be convincing at it, so for fuck’s sake please love me and make the emptiness go away.
My interests are eclectic too, but I make up for the unbearable burden of awesome by being incredibly unfocused.
With the possibility of that working for him, I’m surprised he doesn’t add that he’d also like his princess to have the ability to fly and turn invisible.
My new sugardaddie account reveals a surprising number of desperate millionaires in my area.
I ran away from home at seventeen, lost and emotionally immature and met and then clung to a man like this. I was captive for eight years as his slave and breeder. Referred to by people we met as “my wife” and told to throw away every small trace of my former identity, he attempted to map my mind and I, of little esteem, let him.
It took eight years to leave him and another ten to unravel the damage and figure out who the hell I actually was. I hope this man continues to yearn and never find what he wants. Unfortunately, he will find another lost little girl like I was to mold and shape into his image.
What always gets me about reading these types of ads and those like sugardaddie.com; if they are professionals, then probably there are women who work for them. Am I the only one who imagines that no woman who toils under the yoke of such pricks would ever be promoted, properly trained, given a fair shot or even paid equal to her male co-workers?
Might I also add that men like this are only about two shades to the right of pedophilia. But hey, its ok to want a girl-bride, as long as she’s legally not a girl-bride.
I wanted to stop reading it, especially after this part:
I do not come from a life privilege, all I have achieved I have earned.
Something about its total awfulness, however, propelled me forward. Good on ya, Kyso, for your fabulous takedown of MM.
Your summary of his ad for sugardaddie.com is great! You really got him all summed up.
I don’t actually spend a lot of time reading the personal ads of pompous assholes, so I’m wondering if this guy deserves some kind of trophy for utter blindness, or if this is more like just a representative sample of what’s out there.
Because, to my mind, to demand that the cold, cruel world supply you with a woman who’s young enough not to be guarded and jaded while at the same time congratulating yourself on how unconcerned with her past you are is certainly some kind of accomplishment.
Or to be unable to see the glaring contradiction between treating a woman like a princess and embracing her as a whole person. (Well, actually, that one is fairly run of the mill, isn’t it?)
Or, best of all, to publish a list of impossibly exacting standards for a mate, one of which is the “ability to see the world without preconceptions.”
Andrew, I do not have ‘eclectic’ tastes in music. I like classic rock, marching bands, and horrible pop from the 80s on up.
So there you go. There’s at least one of us out there.
I’ve read a lot of these Craigslist ads and have actually ‘dated’ a few guys from it. I am constantly amazed at the treacly, cloying descriptions of how gentle and sweet they all are. I am an avowed feminist, but I do want a little rough and tumble fun as part of my relationship - both in terms of entertainment (outdoorsy-type stuff) and sexuality. There’s a place for sweet, sensitive lovemaking, but sometimes there’s just a fun little romp. I find these descriptions highly unappealing, but I think *they* think it’s what all women want.
This reminds me of the post I read recently - linked to from one of the blogs - by the sex worker who complained about how often her customers comment on how they want to please her. (”I am a tongue master and I love to please”). Ick. Let’s be in it for both of our pleasures, please.
Anywho, end rant