Coffee: the hip new tool of misogynists around the world!
Published by punkass marc December 14th, 2007 in Dudes, Shame on you for being a womanThanks respectively to Metafilter and friend/reader Carrie for helping me stay current with the happenin’est misogynistic trends around the globe. It’s easy for me to get too comfortable with my gender’s place in the patriarchy, relying on the the glass ceiling and sexual harassment to get the job done. However, women are nothing if not sneaky (see: Eden, Garden of), so as they adapt, men must do the same if we hope to keep the apple-pluckers in bondage.
Enter coffee.
Yes, that over-caffeinated yet otherwise harmless brown liquid has been transformed into the new super-weapon of the patriarchy.
How, you ask? Behold, a diagram:
Drive-by coffee bukkake. Genius! And this isn’t some pie-in-the-sky theory from some nerdy academic, this is being tested in the field in Japan right now:
The spitter, who was nicknamed “Coffee Bukake Man” [コーヒーぶっかけ男] by locals, had carried out 5 attacks since the end of October. All of his victims were junior high school or high school girls wearing their uniforms, and all of the attacks involved spitting coffee onto their faces from his car window. His final attack took place on December 7th, when a 16-year-old schoolgirl he spit on was able to come to her senses quickly enough to spot his license plate number and memorize it. This led to the arrest of 26 year-old Yoshiro Sumiyama, who admitted attacking the girls. Sumiyama told police that he was irritated after having been dumped by a woman and carried out the spitting attacks to relieve some stress.
But maybe some of you smart guys like your coffee oppression a little more… abstract. And Americaner. Maybe using real coffee isn’t nearly as satisfying as co-opting the entire concept of coffee as a Tool of Men. If so, Latte Dolls’ drive-by coffee stand/boob palace is the place for you:
Move over, Hooters, this place has you UDDERLY beat:
How do YOU like yours?? (Besides “Hot and Steamy!”)
With Clevage = Room for Cream or Milk (UDDERLY DELICIOUS!)
Your choice of:
2% Milk
Half and Half
Whole MilkHeadlights On = A Little Ice
Frigid = Iced
And that’s not all! Regulars can join the club:
[Note: I have no idea why little piles of dog-poop are resting on the boobs, either.]
Really, who has time in this workaday world to stop in someplace and ogle random tittery? 21-century menfolk need an express lane for our objectification, and thanks to the Latte Dolls concept, we’re getting our wish. Bottoms up!
I said it out loud, but worth repeating: I cannot fathom how so many men can be both disgusted with and enticed by female bodies. The way these guys act, being into women is like having a fetish for eating shit. Except they’re proud of it. Very strange.
“I said it out loud, but worth repeating: I cannot fathom how so many men can be both disgusted with and enticed by female bodies.”
Repressed homosexuality, combined with an overwhelming cultural need do be straight. I think this also plays into the need for some men to have wives/GF’s/etc. that are shaped more like adolescent boys than real, living women.
OTOH, I could just be totally wrong…
Amanda, I think you solved most of it on Mousewords when the concept of the Pussy Oversoul was introduced.
That is udderly…repulsive.
Thus, Zuzu solved it really. And you’re right—it’s about seeing women as these horrible beasts whose sense of autonomy is nothing but an obstacle to the pussy. I don’t think it’s repressed homosexuality; I think guys who seek out hostile crap like this find women’s bodies sexually arousing. And that makes them angry, because they hate women.
“I think guys who seek out hostile crap like this find women’s bodies sexually arousing. And that makes them angry, because they hate women.”
Because of the “control” it gives women over the helpless men? I could see that…
“I think guys who seek out hostile crap like this find women’s bodies sexually arousing. And that makes them angry, because they hate women.”
Right on the head.
“What is my vagina doing in her body?” is the new “What is our oil doing under their sand?”
I wish I knew of a detailed theory on how the “women don’t want to fuck me”-”I hate women”-”women don’t want to fuck me” vicious circle gets started. Who came up with the idea that men are entitled to fuck any woman they’re attracted to? Why don’t women have this sense of entitlement, because they want to fuck as much as men do, and hurt just as much when they get rejected? Even an armchair evo-psych bullshit theory would be some comfort to me at this point.
wow. i didn’t notice the strange sprirally “nipples” until you blew that up. i went back to the website to see what it looked like smaller, but they’ve removed that image from the site. hmm. maybe you made them realize it looked like dog poop.
i also can’t believe they still haven’t noticed that cleavage is spelled incorrectly.
And for those of you who have never tried the “tie-up-my-shirt/show you my goods” school of food service, I did it once when working on Sixth Street. I lasted about 27 minutes in the “Let’s tie up our shirts and see if you actually make more money” experiment we ran before my urge to punch was too much of a revenue risk.
The purported extra tips just weren’t worth the rather dramatic upsurge in “I can treat you like this because you are here to serve me.” The creepy factor spike of interactions was phenomenal and near-instantaneous, and the cash didn’t seem to follow.
One of the problems with gettin’s all Hooter-y in your biz model (especially in Austin) is that the crowd you get are not big spenders–they’re typically blue collar dudes who want to come and camp out in front of the titties for 2 hours and leave $1.50 when they go. Good luck buying textbooks on low turnover, low price tag tips.