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Via Pam at Pandagon, it appears our army’s desertion rate has skyrocketed to its highest total in almost 30 years. I’m disappointed that little things like inadequate equipment, extended tours, and, oh, I dunno, being forced to oppress a collection of peoples who hate your guts would bother our soldiers, but I guess they’re just not as tough as the boys of yesteryear.

To keep kids these days engaged in the military, we need to spice up the experience a bit. The Pentagon has traditionally taken its policy cues from punkassblog, and so I feel a responsibility to lend a helping hand. Thus, I present the 5 ways to avoid desertion in the US Army:

5) Make the unis look more like Halo soldiers.

They don’t have to work, they just have to look rad. Melt down old Transformer toys if you have to; just do whatever it takes to make some cool-ass molded plastic gear that would pass as a top-notch Halloween costume. Kids will be lining up to fight as long as their visor is the shit.

4) RealDolls for everyone!

Nothing makes a bunk homier than a horny, pliable companion waiting for you at the end of the day. And since it would be a pain in the ass to openly enslave women like they did in olden times, it makes sense to go with the next best thing: a RealDoll. But this is more than just a fuckytoy — a RealDoll helps teach young men how to handle a lady and her needs properly. Plus, you can weed out the gays easier based on who uses them and who doesn’t (or who only fucks the butthole).

And remember, they make man dolls, too. Even though most lady soldiers probably want the girl dolls, if you know what I mean.

3) Castrate deserters.

Once they have a free RealDoll, they’ll do anything not to lose those balls.

2) Give all soldiers a “get out of jail free” card.

Look, anyone can molest a local or mow down a village after a bad day (especially if you’re pulling Blackwater duty). Let’s lend our support to the troops by giving them all a freebie on Uncle Sam.

1) Stop fighting unjust wars.

Psych!