My personal MSN favorite Lady Margot Carmichael Hunnybunting Chauncy-Lester has one-upped herself this Halloween season by finally admitting that by ‘free-lance writing’ she meant ‘free-lance transcribing’ the whole time, and has let two guys and an honorary guy let you know what “her” Halloween costume is really saying. Then she turns up the heat by letting…two guys, one of whom is not the same as from the gal’s article, and an honorary guy tell you what “his” Halloween costume is actually saying.
This is the article set that really makes you ask yourself why Lady Margot doesn’t even have six friends.
So what is “she” saying? She’s hot to trot and ready to go, or possibly a frigid bitch. Either way, you can be sure that her costume was carefully picked out to tell you something about whether or not you personally would like to bang her.
Naughty Nurse
Procopio: She gets us guys…
Salem: A girl in a naughty nurse costume is a girl who loves a guy in need of saving…
Spencer: She wants you to know that every good woman is a healthy mix of Florence Nightingale and Pamela Anderson, in relatively equal doses.
Right, so ditch the nurse costume to avoid being hit on by clingy needballs with mommy complexes. Good to know.
Pirate Wench
Procopio: This is the kind of woman we like to hang out and drink with, but we just might end up falling in love with her, too.
Salem: This tells you she’s a woman in charge. The party is on her terms.
Spencer: The message is clear as the Caribbean: Wenches are all about lots of wild, raunchy, uninhibited fun.
So slutty nurse means, horny nurse and slutty pirate just means slut. Pick this costume if you want a guy who will be completely surprised when, after you tie him to the yardarm (i.e. his bed) you spank him like a naughty captive before taking his wallet and returning to the party to buy everyone a round.
Hillary Clinton
Procopio: Umm, the woman who wears this seems to be about as much fun as a night of C-Span watched on a small black-and-white TV with the sound down.
Salem: This girl is smart. Don’t try any of your usual silly lines, treat her like a lady and talk about something intelligent.
Spencer: The woman who chooses this costume might have some serious power or martyr issues, and she may take secret pleasure in grinding men under the heels of her spotless Ferragamo pumps.
We have a winner! Hillary Clinton is the costume of the year for women who want the kinds of douchebags who think they can read into your soul based on whatever costume you picked off the clearance rack at Ambiance to leave them alone.
And finally, the witch costume – flirty and feminist!
Witch
Procopio: This depends on the kind of witch, no? The Bewitched/Sabrina kind of retro-modern thing is someone fun but maybe a bit too peppy. Then there’s the hat/green makeup/warts thing which, I’ve got to be honest, is difficult to see past. She’s kind of putting us at arm’s length from the get-go. There are plenty of naughty nurses and pirate girls walking around who are easier on the eye, and they might well be the better bet for most guys.
Salem: The woman who wears this costume desperately needs to be bad. This is a girl who wants to let go of her usual angel ways and just be naughty. Enjoy her wicked side!
Spencer: An oldie but a goodie, with a vast range of options. Is she a Glinda, Good Witch of the North? Sparkles and pink tulle might attract the average wizard, but isn’t it more interesting to boldly challenge stereotypes by combining an alluring personality with a green face, a crooked warty nose, a gravelly cackle and a lethal-looking broom?
Boldy challenge stereotypes by dressing as a stereotypical witch? Very meta, plus it will apparently bewilder and frighten this Procopio guy. I like it.
Point is, ladies, you know you want it. Your lips say “get bent” but your costume says, “yes yes.” Unless you’re Hillary, that is. So what do guys costumes say?
Well, mostly they say, “pssht! Nice try, lame-o, but Procopio and Salem are way cooler than you.” Spencer has to go along in order to meet the renewal requirements for being one of the guys.
Spider-Man
McHenry: Anyone who dresses as this most sensitive of superheroes is all marshmallow on the inside. Offer him a drink and a shoulder to cry on if you want to be his Mary Jane.
Salem: He may not be Hollywood material looks-wise and is most likely a little bit shy, but a he’s a great romantic. He’s sensitive, fun to be around, and flexible!
Spencer: Spidey is the quintessential anti-hero-hero. Sure, he rescues kittens and staunchly defies the forces of evil on behalf of all mankind, but underneath that body-hugging suit, he’s a seething mass of dark, twisted moral conflict. If you like mystery and a challenge, he’s your man.
You will be so sick of him by the second sequel, so try to keep on decent terms with your astronaut ex.
Chazz Michael Michaels or Jimmy MacElroy from Blades of Glory
McHenry: Will you laugh? Yeah. Will you want to talk to him more than five minutes? Probably not. Unless you really, really adore his impression of Will Ferrell singing “My Humps,” in which case you’re meant for each other anyway.
Salem: This guy always was and always will be the class clown. Confident in his sexuality and a lot of fun. However, you’re probably not the only girl he’s twirling around the ice rink!
Spencer: Do we really need to discuss what you should do with a guy who’d willingly wear a spandex jumpsuit and bad hair in public?
No, because we agree. You have sex with this man. Over and over and over. That’ll learn all you dickwads to judge a book by its cover.
In conclusion, you are a total slut. Unless you are a guy, in which case your costume suggests that you have serious issues.
Weren’t they brilliant? I never thought in all my years of living as a woman, I’d have someone tell it to me like it is; my life is meant to fuck men. Wow. I need to give up my business and go find a man to fuck forever. Maybe I can serve him something too, I feel this need to care for someone.
He may not be Hollywood material looks-wise and is most likely a little bit shy, but a he’s a great romantic.
However, you’re probably not the only girl he’s twirling around the ice rink!
Will you laugh? Yeah. Will you want to talk to him more than five minutes? Probably not.
Translation: I am a Nice Guy. I spend more time dictating MSN dating articles than getting laid. You should sleep with me instead of a guy who is attractive, funny, interesting, and/or secure with his own personality. Wow, nice ass!
You know, somehow, I don’t think they are thinking of the Florence Nightingale that invented the pie chart, took on the British Army, co-founded the Women’s Medical College with Dr. Elizabeth Blackwell, and wrote treatises on feminism.