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A few days ago we heard from a young lady who felt feminism failed her and no doubt you felt my post lacked balance. What, you asked, about the men? What do they think? You ask and sophomore print journalism major Josh Bass provides.

Upon returning from what I assumed, based on her flashing eyes and violent body language, to be an unsuccessful date, a friend of mine bitterly spat out a phrase I have come to recognize as the international anthem for disrespected and mistreated women everywhere: “Chivalry is dead.”

For years now, the cry has sounded from high towers, railroad tracks and marriages arranged for wealth rather than love. Ladies in desperate need of one decent knight are left to fend for themselves against dragons, dastardly mustached villains and boorish fathers.

So right off the bat we know that this is going to be a fresh, original opinion piece that makes a lot of good sense, because I totally got what he was saying there. But I’m not exactly sure what a knight can do against a boorish father, because if I recall correctly, back when chivalry was at its height, possession was still 9/10 of the law, if you know what I mean.

Looking at the bemoaned loss of chivalry in our society, I can’t help but wonder if chivalry had - in accordance with popular belief - brought about its own demise or if more sinister forces were at work.

If you’re about to blame feminism, you are so behind. The real problem is plastics. If you really want to go back to the golden age of gender roles, then you should reduce, reuse and recycle.

The latter accusation is not without validity, given the somewhat primitive state of many of those with a Y chromosome, the underestimated difficulties of courtship and maintaining a meaningful relationship.

Ergo, therefore, vis a vis as you can see, a shiny quarter to whomever can make sense out of the previous two quoted sentences, which in Josh’s mind are related in some manner. Anyway, blah blah blah men are pigs, blah blah, women are to blame. We’ve all seen this song and dance before.

On July 19, 1848, a group of revolutionaries gathered in Seneca Falls, N.Y., and, shedding the feminine shackles of inferiority, began to pull the sword of equality from its historically misogynistic stone prison. What they did not consider at the time was the fatally double-edged nature of that sword.

That? That’s not a metaphor. This is a metaphor:

A lot of women have concluded that the problem is that guys, as a group, have the emotional maturity of hamsters. No, this is not the case. A hamster is much more capable of making a lasting commitment to a woman, especially if she gives it those little food pellets. Whereas a guy, in a relationship, will consume the pellets of companionship, and he will run on the exercise wheel of lust; but as soon as he sense that the door of commitment is about to close and trap him in the wire cage of true intimacy, he’ll squirm out, scamper across the kitchen floor of uncertainty and hide under the refrigerator of nonreadiness.

Dave Barry is a professional writer, and he advises you to not try these metaphors at home. You see, Josh, Dave made your point thirteen years ago, and it was a joke then. The difference between you and him is that you’re actually sincere, and also an asshole.

Along with the empowerment and individuality they so undoubtedly deserved came a complete rejection of all things classically feminine and a new phrase to make men shudder; “I can do it myself!”

…And so emerged a group of warrior princesses affectionately referred to as Feminazis; lean, mean, emasculating machines in power suits who proved to the world that women are intelligent, strong, capable and incredibly frightening.

Issues much? Jesus, Josh, there are women o’plenty, especially on a college campus, who’d be pleased as punch to accept a graciously offered movie ticket or dinner. Unless, of course, you’re a complete cocksucker. Just saying.

So blah blah, time passed and things have changed on the meat market, which Josh seems to think was caused by an Attack of the 50-Foot Feminists having some sort of tantrum for something like 150 years, because the chronology leaps from 1848 to today.

In either case, when the red tint of rage in her eyes faded and the vein in her neck eased, woman did not ask chivalry to come back. Instead, chivalry took advantage of the destruction of feminine stereotypes to fully access her needs, both sexually and romantically.

So women said, fuck chivalry, and then when they were done pouting said, yeah, we were right: fuck chivalry. And chivalry said, “I’ll show that bitch.” What a classy guy, why did we ever dump his ass?

Also, I believe if chivalry was fully accessing women’s needs romantically (”Swipe card, enter PIN. Welcome, Bass J. You are authorized to access the following needs:”) the whole introduction to Josh’s essay would have been shot to shit. Unless romantic is a euphemism for sexual, in which case Josh is truly an idiot because there’s really no need to euphemism-ize something after coming right out and saying it.

Without the age-old strictures forbidding harlotry and all other forms of public taboo, women became free to do what they wanted with whom they wanted without an inordinate amount of societal backlash or the need for a long-term relationship.

*Sputter rage!* And the WOMEN! They organized! For rights! And freedom! And then they got most of it! And started acting like real people, with rights! And freedom! And no one was punishing them! No one! They were out there doing exactly what the men were doing, but no one was punishing them! No slut-shaming or rape or shotgun marriage or anything! Josh is like boggled! He can’t believe that he grew up in a world with 50% less slut-shaming than his father! Seriously, why aren’t you people upset? Women! Just doing things! With not nearly enough social backlash! Like hardly any!

Just wow. How oblivious do you have to be to actually type those words and then submit them. I’d say someone’s editor let that one go to press just to maximize the hate mail.

As women, the traditional gatekeepers and pacesetters, collectively dropped their standards and engaged in commitment-free, purely physical relationships, they opened the door for the treatment that their behavior elicits.

That’s a two-way road, buddy. For example, your stunning self-absorption and barely masked loathing of the fairer sex means that you actually do deserve to be alone. So very alone. Quite honestly, if I was your right hand I’d refuse to form a fist. That’s how alone you should be.

When a guy is given the option to bypass courtship and gain entry without much effort, it takes no great Holmesian deduction to discover why proper treatment and respect fall by the wayside.

Dave Barry, if I may refer to the master once again, once praised Rod Stewart for his cleverly subtle lyrics “Spread your wings/And let me come inside.” I hereby award the Rod Stewart Award for Class and Subtlety in Sexual References to Josh Bass, Sophomore Print Journalism Major. *clapclapclap!*

But that does not mean that chivalry cannot be resuscitated, or that it does not live on still in the hearts of a good number of men. And after listening to me prattle on in rebuttal to her no doubt unconscious remark, I think my friend may have gained a new perspective.

No, dude, she knew you were a dick before you followed up her crappy date by boring her to death. Also, she’s pretty sure you just called her a whore.

No, this doesn’t mean she’s free next Friday.

After all, there are women all over the world who have male confidants and close friends, but they never for once take a step back and realize that the person with whom they are constantly sharing their romantic woes is in fact ­- male.

And so to that widow of romance out there, when next the words seem about to spill unbidden from your lips, bite your tongue and look a little harder. You may have to seek, my lady, but ye shall find.

Wait, wait, that didn’t make any sense. Let me run it through Babelfish…let’s see…from “Douchebag” to “English”

I’m a Nice Guy(TM)! How come women never want to go out with Nice Guys(TM)! All I did was point out that I’d treat her with respect and if she doesn’t like it then she’s a slutty mcharlotwhore who just doesn’t appreciate what a Nice Guy(TM) I am. But all these bitches will see. Oh yes, one day they’ll see. They’ll be all “Help, help, I’m being raped!” and I’ll be all “Well you deserved it, skank.” And they’ll be all “Oh, why didn’t we see how wonderful Josh was when we had the chance, ow! Ow!” and then I’ll jump on my horse and pick up a maiden and we’ll live happily ever after.

Seriously, why can’t these hos see how great I am?