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An international cartel of Paramount global marketing executives and focus groups decided to give a rather malicious “fuck you!” to remaining WWII veterans by giving G.I. Joe a P.C. makeover for his new movie, something previously unheard of in the whole honorable history of the iconic “action figure”*.

At least, that’s the lens that Devil’s Advocate choses to view life through.

Now they are changing G.I. Joe into a multicultural soldier with no American affiliation. Yes, Hollywood limousine liberal idiots are exceeding my patience. I can handle their unabashed socialism, even their global warming insanity, but when they attack G.I. Joe, enough is enough.

No! We’re not exceeding his patience! Things are very serious, indeed. He may be forced to write an even angrier blog post if things continue in this vein. Possibly photoshop could be involved. What crawled up DA’s ass and died? I guess the idea that making an American-soldier-kicking-ass-and-taking-names movie isn’t going to go over so hot overseas, so they turned the Joes into Team America: World Police but without the marionette scat scene.

Paramount has confirmed that in their new movie, the name G.I. Joe will become an acronym for ““Global Integrated Joint Operating Entity” — an international, coed task force charged with defeating bad guys. It will no longer stand for government issued, as in issued by the American government.”

Advocate might want to de-bunch his panties, because The Real American Hero has a long and distinguished history of being brought to heel by the forces of the Limousine Liberals:

1) G.I. Joe has been at least nominally co-ed since the 80’s, when the creatively named Lady Jaye (could have been worse, ask poor Miss Marvel) was the most kick-ass female character available on afternoon TV.

2) G.I. Joe responded to the Civil Rights era by introducing the first of many token characters (in this case, a black man) as early as 1965, which is probably a coincidence that had nothing to do with the events of that year.

3) G.I. Joe was already an international task force by 1966, he also conquered space that year.

4) Add another item to the Iraq/Vietnam Parallels list:

By 1970, in the wake of the Vietnam War, Hasbro sought to downplay the war theme that had initially defined “G.I. Joe”. The line became known as “The Adventures of G.I. Joe” for a time. G.I. Joe was now cast as the leader of the “Adventure Team”, an adventuring/spy-like organization with the goal of rescue missions and fighting evil. The look of the doll was also changed in 1970 with the addition of a flocked beard (an innovation developed in England by Palitoy’s for their licensed version of Joe, Action Man). A retooled African American Adventurer was also introduced around this time.

5) The nineties found Joe fighting…fighting for the environment. Go Planet!

It’s clear that us liberals have been systematically deballing Joe since he stepped out of the military magazines and into the global marketplace. It’s a little late in the game for Devil’s Advocate’s solution:

Evidently, they are worried that the rest of the world would not accept an American soldier movie. Well, if we look at the facts, the rest of the world would be controlled by Nazis if it were not for the G. I. Joe. So if they do not like it, don’t make the movie. This is disgraceful.

Now that’s a jingle I want to see Paramount actually try: “Geee-Eyeeee Joooeeeeee!!!! If it weren’t for us you’d all be speaking Gerrr-maannnn!” Because if there’s anything that will get European children’s asses in seats, it’s reminding them that the grandparents of the people who financed and produced the movie offered crucial assistance to their great-grandparents in a war that was already over for half a century before they were born! Also, you’ll completely fail to piss off the parents of those kids with your mind-boggling assholery. Some people seem to forget that we had a bit of a hand in creating the conditions that lead up to WWII in the first place, so now that the initial flush of post-war euphoria is a half a damn century in the past, maybe we don’t want to brandish that particular sword about too often seeing as Europe is rebuilt and even let Germany into the EU and everything.

Clearly, Hollywood has forgotten the, “Real American Hero.” G.I. Joe originally symbolized the American WWII soldier and our greatest generation. Now Hollywood celebrities are going to turn him into a politically correct Feminazi. Isn’t anything sacred to these people?

What do you do with a grown man who is willing to work himself into such a lather because a fifty year old toy is failing to honor the past the way we expect our pop culture icons to? No, GI Joe is not fucking sacred to anyone, not any more than the X-Men or even Batman. This is not a travesty of historical revisionism, hell, it’s not even worth the kind of sputtering mouth-foaming that would be more appropriate for discovering a Starbucks in the middle of the National WWII Memorial. It’s just a new version of GI Joe that is designed to do what GI Joe was always designed for -to bringing money to Hasboro Toy Inc by the barrel full.

*Not a doll, goddammit. Not even the ones that are the perfect size to prong Barbie. Not that mine ever did.