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Could you be dating a high-maintenance chick, and not even know it? Danger lurks around every corner when you’re dealing with the pussy oversoul. Lucky for you, Lady Margot Carmichael Hunnybunting Lovelace Sycamore-Lester is back with another one of her searingly insightful relationship quoteunquote articles, this one in easy-to-digest quiz form: Is your bitch too much effort? Let’s take the quiz together:

1. You land a huge new account at work. Your lady friend’s response:
* Fantastic. Pick up something extravagant for me at Tiffany’s on the way home. (Score = -1)
* Great. I have some items on lay-away that I can pay off! (Score = 1)
* Finally! More money for us to enjoy! Let’s hit the mall this weekend. (Score = 2)
* Let’s go out to dinner to celebrate! (Score = 3)
* I’m so proud of you! Tell me all about it. (Score = 4)

If you look closely, you’ll see that the first three responses are actually the same response curved for socioeconomic status and/or age. In this age of scandalously easy credit, the only places I see layaway available are the seediest stores that cater to people who simply can’t get credit, even loan-shark OMGWTF predatory credit. Why would a guy who has the kind of job where “landing a new account” directly and immediately affects his income be dating the kind of woman who’s got a bunch of crap on layaway at Burlington Coat Factory? I’ve shopped for clothes in that garish pit- you can’t take a woman wearing them anywhere nice; at least, not without a time machine to take you back to when that kind of low-grade polyester was acceptable. Although since I’ve stopped shopping there, my supply of eye-catching tiger-print blouses has dwindled to nothing, and that makes me a little sad.

Four is a rational and perfectly acceptable response, and five is the imaginary perfect woman response as measured in Money Involved/Feminine Selflessness. In reality, yes I am proud of you, but don’t tell me all about it for the love of god because your job bores me to death. No offense intended, as I’m sure mine bores you to death as well. I don’t need the details, hon, to be sufficiently proud of the results.

No matter however, as the next four questions will follow the same pattern, with the answers weighted toward “all women are childish, selfish, money sucking pits” with one “human response” and one “imaginary perfect woman that the albatross you currently date is preventing you from finding”. Except for the fourth question, which shows there is no grey area between a needy attention whore with no sense of perspective and an angel. Girlfriend perfection will continue to be measured in units of “Money She’s Costing Me”/”Feminine Selflessness” ($/fs) which I propose we name “margots.” If margots << 1, she's a keeper.

Shockingly enough, a score of 15 on this quiz (which would be a straight average of human-based answers) gets her labeled "A little self-absorbed, but depending on your personality, you might not mind. Check your gut to see if you can deal with these behaviors. " That's right: suggesting that you celebrate newly earned financial success with dinner (nevermind that some women would go so far as to follow that statement with the words, “my treat!” which is standard for congratulating someone) or asking for 10 minutes to comb your hair and find your shoes before going out to grab a casual bite means you are “self absorbed.” But can you ever find a perfect woman - one who anticipates your every need, is beautiful even though her medicine cabinet doesn’t contain a single product you wouldn’t use yourself, and who, most importantly, costs no money whatsoever?

Let’s ask Margot:

Freelance writer Margot Carmichael Lester, author of The Real Life Guide to Life After College, has dated a few high-maintenance dudes in her day and is glad to have finally landed a new model that requires very little upkeep.

What? Goddammit, Margot: how does your experience with high-maintenance men give you the right to castigate women for being so damn needy? You don’t even know if the perfect woman exists! You just got the perfect guy, or the guy you’re trying to give a shout-out to in your bio so he doesn’t get pissed off, and you assume that there is a comparable woman! But you don’t know…you just. don’t. know. What if a guy takes this quiz, finds out he’s dating a mere 14 when he could have an 18 or even a 20, and spends the rest of his life searching for a woman who doesn’t exist? His loneliness is all your fault.*

In reality, Margot has confused excessively needy and demanding immature women with women that expect a guy to pull his weight in the work part of making a relationship work. Guys need to be warned about girls who score 16+ on quizzes like this: they’re the ones that are going to come to their senses in ten years and realize that they can reduce their workload by the equivalent of one demanding child simply by getting divorced. But the 14s and 15s, the ones that will tell you to wait just a freaking second while she finds her shoes, those are the ones that will give you a little notice before heading out the door.

*Well, it’s certainly not his fault, and you’re the only other woman involved in this situation. Shame on you, does your pastor know you give out this kind of crap advice?