PunkAssBlog.com

Walmart, always famous for having it’s fingers on the pulse of the free market tried to score some secondhand cool cred off of Facebook, with shockingly less than stellar results:

Analysts have applauded Wal-Mart Stores Inc.’s new “Roommate Style Match” group on Facebook.com, created to help college roommates link up online to coordinate back-to-school purchases at the retailer. However, most of the 100-plus comments posted on the site so far from its 932 members are critical of the retail giant’s business practices.

As usual, the official company line on this minor debacle leads a reader to believe their company letterhead actually contains the slogan “our heads are so far up our asses we can lick our own tracheae.”

While a minority of the comments were positive about Wal-Mart in general, none focused on the company’s goal for the site — having users “chat with other college students by posting their comments about dorms, decorating and college life.”

…”We recognize that we are facilitating a live conversation, and we know that in any conversation, especially one happening online, there will be both supporters and detractors,” she wrote. “We’re happy that so many of our customers are talking on Facebook about why they like Wal-Mart. Most of all, we’re glad that soon-to-be roommates are using our site to come together and make choices about their dorm rooms.”

So the synopsis seems to be: Walmart tries to speak to the youth in their own language of cool, plot backfires. Ok, that’s not so terrible - many companies have made a similar faux pas. Dorky and misguided, sure, but not outrageous. And certainly, this foray into the internet is a little less mind-boggingly awful than previous attempts:

Wal-Mart got egg on its face when it was revealed last year that a blog supposedly written by two independent consumers was backed by an initiative funded by Wal-Mart’s public relations firm. In addition, a Wal-Mart social network called The Hub was closed after 10 weeks last year.

But the kids have spoken, and they’ve not only spanked Walmart but also Facebook for crossing some kind of unspoken boundary about how these kids expect their social networking sites (and by extension, that precious level of advertising that they’ll accept unquestioningly) to be run.

One post, signed by Janine Carmona, wrote that “Facebook should take the number of negative comments on this page as a note that we don’t support this company [for] its use of a space for social networking. This space is for people talking to other people. Facebook, get your priorities straight.”

I guess the line is that huge multinational corporations can buy all the adspace they desire, but when they try to get all chatty with their market in the spaces that the market uses to unwind, that’s where the kids draw the line. And you know what, that’s excellent. I’m pleased as punch to see that teens can identify and reject that kind of lameass marketing play. It fills my black heart with joy.

But once again the business journalists and analysts confuse me. For even though this endeavor has about 900 comments of “No!” set against no comments of “OMG Let’s co-ordinate our WalMart shopping thought Facebook, roomie!” the establishment can’t get over how great this is going to be if only they keep on keeping on:

“For Wal-Mart, this is the right approach,” Bernoff said. “This is a great way to reach college students. It is much easier to get someone on Facebook to join your group than to get someone to come to your Web site and join your community.”

…He (Owyang) recommends that Wal-Mart start discussion group forums to try to “segment the conversations about going back to school and even consider keeping folks on topic. Continue to allow critics (you can’t stop it anyway) but try to use the forums as a guide to a discussion about school.”

“I highly recommend that Wal-Mart consider trying a community strategy using a transparent and authentic blog or video blog series that addresses the very brand issues that they are getting slammed on,” he wrote.

What the hell? Walmart tries, in a simple, transparent manner, to start a conversation about the importance of communicating with your roommate to make sure you can use Walmart to the best advantage possible for dorm room decoration. Ensuing comments show that no one on the whole interwebs is interested in having this conversation. Spontaneous displays of Walmart love are swamped by testy, politicized teens who reject you and your stylish pompasan chairs. You can not have, will never have a “transparent and authentic blog” that shows all these kids why they’re wrong because they’re not really all that wrong about you - you’ve spent the last half century abusing the fuck out of nearly every community you touch, from the center of America to the center of China. And feel free to add to your list of strengths your staggering, patronizing cluelessness about all things not price slashing. And then continue to rock, rock on.

Sounds like a plan.