PunkAssBlog.com

Ahh, it’s the beginning of the school year - a time fraught with fraughty goodness for incoming undergraduates heading off to the first day of their new classes. I remember the computer science class where the graduate TA simply never showed up, and the resulting hissy fit some guy sitting behind me pitched while administrators scrambled to find someone else to teach (which they did by the end of the hour). A friend of mine had a physics professor tell her all about his beliefs in women’s inferiority in the sciences. Another friend had a documentary professor fresh to academia from his previous stint as a producer of one of those fear-mongering news magazine shows. He nearly failed the whole class just to show them who was boss, and was a bit surprised to find the kids could call his bluff.

And Mike S Adams, professor of criminal justice with the feminist fixation, does his bit to bewilder the students with another one of his patented “What I Should Have, Would Have Said” columns. Will he actually start his Intro to Criminology course with a lecture on the importance of emotional chastity, or does he just wish he could? I wish he would; in today’s business environment, students need to learn how to handle being a captive audience to a superior with a bizarre, completely-irrelevant- to-the-point- of-the-meeting pet cause.

Welcome to UNC-Wilmington! My name is Dr. Adams and you are enrolled in CRJ 105 (Introduction to Criminal Justice). If you are in the wrong class, please get up and leave now – unless you’re majoring in Women’s Studies in which case you would be ostracized for leaving now. And, by the way, if you dislike bad puns you should also consider leaving this class.

I’ve read that paragraph four times, and am still trying to find the pun. My brain rejects any suggestion that it lies in the word “ostracized” for purely self-preservation reasons - there’s no way I should be able to pick a pun that obscure and bad out of anyone’s writing.

Of course, maybe there is no pun and Dr Mike is required by his department head to make that disclaimer after some terrible pun-related incident in a past semester.

Let’s skip straight to the part where we suspect Dr Mike of making stuff up:

Almost every year at UNCW, I see a feminist professor or administrator (sometimes both) handing out condoms to students in the hopes that they will engage in “protected” sexual intercourse.

Pop quiz kids: who passes out the free condoms at your school? Because at every school I’ve ever been to, that task is usually delegated to the health center (which just tosses them in a self-serve basket) and student clubs, fraternities and sororities. I have yet to see a professor, even a kooky one, or any administrator actually passing out the condoms. All of the school administrators I know are usually, you know, administrating. There’s also an unspoken agreement that getting free condoms from your friends is cool, getting them from your doctor makes sense, but getting them from your adviser is just creepy - this person grades my essays, why the hell is he or she meddling in my sex life?

Since the other professors don’t let Dr Mike sit with them at their lunch table, there’s apparently no way for Dr Mike to know that students don’t come to class expecting their teacher to hand them condoms so there’s no need for him to reassure them of the true contents of his imaginary fantasy box:

This box on my desk is not full of condoms. It is full of copies of the book “Unprotected” by Dr. Miriam Grossman, a psychiatrist who wrote about her experiences working at the student health center at UCLA. The book tells many stories you need to hear – stories you will never hear from the censorious feminists who run the Women’s Resource Center.

Does he really have a box of books to pass out to the class? Does he have enough for everyone, or do they have to share? How many sections of Intro to Criminology does he teach, and who paid for this blatantly inappropriate gesture? Does the assistant to Mike’s long-suffering direct superior schedule time in advance for the inevitable grievance process every semester, or do they prefer to act surprised? Is this why Mike teaches a freshman intro class - freshmen being less likely to be aware of official grievance procedures or the location of the ombudsman’s office? Does pouring the fantasy into his Townhall column keep him from pulling these stunts in real life, or is he just working up the courage to turn his thoughts into action? So many questions!

For example, Grossman tells the story of one college freshman who started having uncontrollable crying spells. Her depression became so severe that she sought help at the student health center. It did not take long for the therapy sessions to reveal that her problem was a “friendship with benefits” she established during the fall semester. She and her casual sex partner had agreed that they would just sleep together without dating. But she was beginning to long for something more.

Those espousing the radical feminist agenda at the university had told her that using condoms would protect her – this without any reference to the emotional consequences of casual sex.

My God! This is shocking! Why, oh why do feminists promote using sex to gain approval from guys or entering into sexual relationships that leave you unsatisfied? Don’t they realize that their subsidizing of Girls Gone Wild videos actually hurts women? And why do all these homosexuals keep sucking Mike’s cock?

Back in reality, feminists would tell Betty Coed to break it off with her fuck buddy if it upsets her that much. If he drops the friendship just because you dropped the benefits, then consider that a lesson learned. People can be jerks, but if you’re smart, being burned once should be sufficient.

The same problems that Grossman saw at UCLA are also prevalent on other campuses. For example, this summer, I got a letter from a young woman who was experiencing deep pain as a result of her decision to abandon the values she grew up with and to adopt the values of the “hook-up” culture, which is the dominant culture on most college campuses. She was a virgin in her 18th year. Now, in her 21st year, her number of sex partners has almost caught up with her chronological age. And she is now beginning to learn that there is no condom for the heart.

Let’s take this paragraph in two parts:

Part A: Who the fuck is pouring their heart out to Dr Mike in that manner? No, really, who?
Part B: Girl goes from virgin to whore and suffers dire consequences - how perfectly narrative! It must be the actual act of sex that’s making her sad. It can’t possibly be that she’s been raised with conflicting messages about sex, and is now undergoing the very tough process of sorting out the truth from the lies while her peers judge her every move. And the double standard, that’s probably not making her sad either. Certainly, none of those seven guys a year for three years ever did anything assholish like being nice before getting some and ditching her right after, so she can’t be confused about that. It must be the sex, so this is nothing a little chastity won’t cure.

Patriarchy, the cause of - and solution to - all of life’s problems!

And men are also put at risk by those who would put political correctness above concern for student well-being. This is especially true for gay men.

So sex is bad for women, and bad for gays, and according to this nervous straight man, this is just the natural order of things and we’ll have to deal. Right. Pardon, Dr Mike, but your slip is showing.

If you are gay and engaging in anal sex, it is unlikely that you will ever see the words “anal sex” listed among the risk factors for contracting AIDS in any campus publication anywhere. Nor is it likely that you will ever hear these words mentioned by any professor discussing such risk factors in a relevant lecture.

To be fair, you do actually have to open the publications and read what’s inside of them rather than just imagining what might be inside of them. Sometimes you don’t even have to go that far. My mom, for reasons that will god willing remain forever unclear, was the recipient of a postcard that listed from left to right all kinds of sexual activities. The background was a gradient from green to yellow to red, and the act’s place on the postcard represented it’s relative risk. Up in the top left, greenest corner was abstinence, and unprotected anal sex was about as lower right as it could get, just slightly to the right of unprotected vaginal sex and unprotected oral sex. Protected sex of any kind was in the yellow to yellow-orange region.

Mom passed the postcard on to my roommate, who passed it on to me. The point is, this information is not only out there, sometimes you don’t even have to look for it. And the “relevant lectures” have to cover it just to make sure there’s one more drop of sanity to counter the tidal wave of bullshit that sweeps curious students into human sexuality courses. Not that I have any idea where this bullshit comes from, mind you.

But because your health and well-being is important to me – despite my religious opposition to your lifestyle – I want you to get better information than you are likely to get on this or any other college campus.

I guess I don’t have to take the obvious shot here.

I’ll start by offering you a copy of Dr. Grossman’s book. If you need additional information, I’ll send you somewhere off campus to ensure that you will get accurate information.

Bow-chikka-bow-waaa!

Ok, sorry, I couldn’t resist. But come on, a guy who writes about how just hearing the word “vagina” gives him ED should be more careful about suggesting that he deeply cares about the sexual health of his homosexual students before stating that he’d be happy to direct them to an off-campus location to learn more. I realize that at some point after anal sex but before Grossman’s book giveaway he switched back to addressing his whole audience (women and fags, mostly, as straight men are too manly to let a little sex get them down) from addressing just the gays (at least, I hope he did) which makes the suggestion, while still insanely inappropriate, at least less blatantly homoerotic. So I guess depending on how you read that, Dr Mike is in need of either a really good copy editor or a really good therapist. Either way, how those poor kids handle him on the first day of class will be the first step towards making adult decisions like what their coping strategy is for dealing with insane people who, for whatever reason, can’t be ignored.