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Boundless Webzine, where Focus on the Family focuses on the young and the awesome, answers all of your most burning questions, including the sensitive topic: if you’re engaged and know that you are going to get some, just how much of a sin is it to think about the practical issues of gettin’ some?

I am engaged to an amazing man of God who has more character than three average guys put together. We met at the beginning of our freshman year in college, and we were friends for two years before we started our relationship. We have both just graduated and will be getting married in a little less than a year.

My question is: How can I/we prepare for our wedding night in a God-honoring way? We are both virgins, and I can honestly say that our deepest desire is to please and honor God with our relationship*. We also want our relationship to be an example to others
.
…I’m not talking about sexual fantasies or lust, but about being wise. If we were to get married tomorrow, for example, I don’t think I would be ready

. …I still have the feeling that it’s not “maidenly” to be thinking very much about sex.

This question is part of the reason why the comments in the Boundless blog don’t infuriate me. They’re only sipping the Koolaid while their less fortunate cousins are swimming in it:

After drying her new husband’s feet, the night only got better. “It was incredible,” Lauren says of losing her virginity.

Compared to that, feeling mildly ashamed that you’re thinking about the actual logistics of sex seems perfectly benign. Hell, plenty of sinful promiscuous secular teen-sluts don’t figure out that there is a learning curve to a decent lay before they try it, and that kind of delusional thinking is the source of many problems. So congrats to Anonymous and her perfectly reasonable concern.

So what is the Boundless advice?

t’s wise to be aware of the need to discuss expectations about your honeymoon, and specifically sex, with your fiancé, as well as to wonder about the timing and content of those conversations prior to the wedding. But don’t have the conversation too soon or you’ll only create opportunities for temptation. It’s amazing how erotic just talking about sex can be.

Oh, Anon is a reasonable woman, I’m sure she could suck the eroticism right out of it if she had to. Start with the following list of standard expectations:

-”Sure, if you shave yours”
-”I’m going to insist that you brush your teeth first”
-”These are the reasons why you must lick it before yous stick it…”

It’s a rare conservative guy who can’t be at least mildly discomforted by a bit of straight-up uterus talk, even in the name of education. So don’t worry about your expectations conversation turning into a hot talk session - you can always bring it back.

I would also recommend not having the conversation alone.

Do it in front of his mom, that’ll let that battleaxe know who’s in charge now.

A candid conversation with an older married woman you trust would be helpful a few weeks before the wedding. You really don’t need much time to prepare.

Expect to be hearing a lot of that in the future. Sorry, but with a patriarchy thems the breaks. But here, I’m not completely heartless. It’ll take the edge off.

Before my wedding, I asked my mentor if she would recommend any books to “prepare.” She said, “We didn’t want to read any books, we wanted to write our own.” That was the permission I needed to put the books down when they got overwhelming.

I’m not so sure that I agree with Candice’s mentor’s publishing philosophy. Read the books. At the very least, look at the pictures. May I recommend Reader’s Digest Guide to Love and Sex? It manages to make the act of coitus seem less lewd than a good yoga session while still imparting the relevant information. And it very likely comes in a large-print edition, perfect for furtive reading by the weak light of the street lamp outside your bedroom window.

But I also needed permission to pick them
back up again. After 25 years of working so hard to not think sexual
thoughts, it felt a little sneaky to be reading such explicit
information. That’s why we stuck with books written by respected
Christian authors. Our culture has much to say in praise of sex done
wrong, but when it comes to doing it right, it’s virtually silent.

Hey, no fair, feminists have been screaming about sex done right for almost 40 years now. Like some of us are really obsessed. So if Anonymous finds her older, and let’s face it, squarer mentor not giving her the goods, then after she’s married and it’s ok to talk dirty she can come back and ask us dirty girls for some more explicit advice. Don’t thank me, I’m just doing my bit to keep Godly marriages together.

*Obligatory blaspheme: Might I suggest oral? I mean, if I were God..well, I’m just saying.