Earth suspected of anti-U.S. ecoterrorism
Published by punkass marc July 25th, 2007 in A million ways to mortgage the future, Bush is a cockANCHORAGE, Alaska (Punkassblog) - In a startlingly aggressive maneuver, home planet and longtime Bush administration opponent Earth may be preparing a series of strikes intended to disrupt U.S. oil interests along the coast of Alaska.
White House spokesperson Tony Snow reiterated that Mr. Bush will not tolerate such threats. “The president wants to assure the American people that freedom will prevail,” said Mr. Snow. “Terrorists can and will be dealt with harshly, especially if they threaten our way of life.”
While the two have never been close, the relationship between Earth and Mr. Bush cooled after the President commented that the United States needed to “thin its forests” without first consulting Earth. The final straw came earlier this year when the U.S. announced plans to expand its oil drilling efforts into previously protected areas of Alaska.
Defenders of Earth claim these actions pose a threat to Earthling interests. In particular, increasing the oil supply may eventually result in more carbon dioxide emissions, an outcome some conspiracy theorists insist will cause direct harm to the planet.
The Bush administration remains unconvinced. Vice President Cheney received a standing ovation at the William F. Buckley Memorial Fucknut Luncheon for his strong rebuke of these claims. “We’re not going to let this planet push us around anymore,” said Mr. Cheney. “We know these rising temperatures are just its way of trying to threaten us with another 9/11, but we don’t negotiate with terrorists. We just torture them until they die. And that’s precisely what we plan to do to Earth.”
Earth did not immediately return a call requesting comment.
So, not only are the facts biased against the Reichwing, but Nature is too?
Cool!
…
I’m putting in a call to Homeland Security immediately to stop this terrorist organization in its tracks.
Since the executive order has been issued recently authorizing freezing of assets of those who assist terrorists, recyclers, environmentalists and hybrid car drivers must be dealt with without delay.
Pure Brilliance.
One of the more creative writings I’ve seen of late. Unfortunately its a bit too accurate…
Damn teh earth and it’s self preserving ways. You’d think we needed the planet to live on or something!
Marc you make me laugh and help me keep from despairing that the crap this idiot is pulling will be irreversible. thanks
aw, shucks, N1Nj4G1rl. you made me blush. thank _you_ for reading us so regularly.
You are welcome, i’m always excited to read you whenever it pops up on my Google reader! The bloggers of punkass never fail to deliver great snark with insightful commentary. Plus that logo is so offensively funny that you should make t-shirts!
T-shirts — I’d buy.