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What? Is it National Celibacy Awareness Month again all ready? Wait, weren’t you aware?

Did you know that June is National Celibacy Awareness Month?

Don’t worry, I didn’t either. In fact, a google search for National Celibacy Awareness Month yields only lists of nutty things that get commemorative days, weeks and or months, blog posts making fun of said Awareness Month, a couple of articles on MSN that actually take the joke seriously, including this one.

The Lazy Asian, which gets a high-ranked front page result for a post a year old, sums it up thus:

June is National Celibacy Awareness month - which is probably the most redundant of all the “something” awareness months. Because if you’re celibate - I’m pretty sure you’re already aware of your situation. People tend to realize when things really suck. They don’t need to be reminded.

Tsk, tsk, what cynicism. Doesn’t s/he know that being celibate totally rocks? Well, Lady Margot Carmichael Hunnybunting Lovelace Sycamore-Lester is going to let you know “some other great reasons” to celebrate celibacy, besides the well-known “being a smug prick” uh, “the virtuous grounds for taking pride in your decision.”

You enjoy more secure relationships.

It true, if he or she is still around after it’s quite clear that you are sticking your decision to be a sanctimonious prick about the nookie until he or she agrees in writing to stay with you forever, it’s probably because he or she knows his or her chances are slim outside your pants. And that level of insecurity is the kind of security you can take to the bank.

“Celibate singles are free of encumbered relationships where they are unsure if someone really loves them for who they are or because they are participating in a sexual relationship,” explains Sean Covey

Yeah, you really only have to make that mistake once before you’re pretty aware of when someone’s just hanging around because you boink them. And while it does suck that first time, it doesn’t “remain celibate until my late 20’s or early 30’s only to have those delusional romantic fantasies about sex and marriage that I’d harbored for far longer than was healthy destroy any chance for a mature adult relationship” suck, which is the problem you get when you take lonely but self-righteous people and feed them self-help book after self-help book of this:

In particular, if you are a woman, you don’t have to wonder if he loves you just because of your body and because you are having sex with him. You can know that he is attracted to you not only physically, but mentally, emotionally and spiritually. This also applies to men, as well.

Next!

Your health is better.

“You need to celebrate every time you go to the ob/gyn or urologist, and you get a clean bill of health and you don’t have to worry about a decision you made in the past,” says Lakita Garth, author of The Naked Truth About Sex, Love and Relationships and National Abstinence Clearinghouse executive board member.

I gave my gyn a big, sloppy kiss, then immediately demanded a herpes swab because god alone knows where that skank has been. Since health, by definition, means “how free your naughty bits are of warts and or lice” we don’t need to worry about how good sex makes people happy, and happy people are healthy people. Remember, a fraction of those happy people have diseases, a fraction of which can not be cured and a miniscule number of which can actually be fatal. Since there’s nothing you can do to mitigate these dangers, you’d best live in fear that at any moment your slut-bomb best friend from grade school is learning that those seven minutes in heaven back in 1987 have just come back with a vengeance as a full-blown case of syphilis, while you are wrapped in a safe cocoon of made entirely of prude.

You can savor more self-determination.

Whaaaa? They can’t possibly mean you can spend that time you might have spent in the sack sitting at home, savoring the savory savor of not being in the sack. MMmmm, savory.

“Single people who are celibate until marriage can celebrate being true to who they are and to what they value,”

What if we’re promiscuous she-devils who value sex? Because while I remained celibate until college (thanks, crippling unpopularity!) I was thirteen when I realized that I was not destined to be a nun. Hey, gotta be me.

“They are free from being overwhelmed and influenced by the culture of the world that says, ‘Everyone’s doing it, why don’t you?’

And instead they get obsess over and constantly reassure each other how great this decision (decision, dammit!) to not have sex is! Thank god they were set free and given enough time to…well, we’ll get to that.

Celibacy allows you to be your own person, making your own decisions without giving in to cultural pressures.

PS: When it’s your Christian singles group making your choices, it doesn’t count as “cultural pressure.” Never you mind why, it just doesn’t.

Sex before marriage has only become acceptable in our generation, over the last 30 years. Before that, millions of people have lived before us where the sanctity of marriage was important and highly respected and valued.”

That’s right. The baby boomers invented premarital sex back when they were so bitchin’ even they could barely handle how cool they were. Before that, there was no such thing as a shotgun wedding. Just keep telling yourself that.

So, back to the savoring of self-determination. You’re celibate and proud! You don’t fuck around just because that’s what society wants, you stand alone like the iconoclast you are. So how does an independent, right-thinking cultural renegade spend all those hours not being shackled to the bed? Pity party! Whoooooooo!

Host a party. “If you have friends who are celibate and they are open about it, have a dinner party this month,” suggests Los Angeles-based relationship expert April Beyer. “Share your stories and the ups and downs. It helps to have support and know that you are not a Lone Ranger.”

Ok, you e-vited everyone you know and no one showed and it took you a week to eat all that pizza yourself. How else can you share the magic of conspicuous celibacy?

Be a role model… “Teach young people that they don’t need to have sex to be worthy of love. If anything, knowing how to have a healthy relationship without sexual involvement sets them up for faithfulness in future relationships—we all have to learn to say ‘no’ at some point. You will also help them avoid consequences that can negatively impact their lives such as unplanned pregnancy, STDs, infertility, low self-esteem, etc. As you pour wisdom into impressionable minds and realize what a difference these values could make in their lives, you’ll feel proud that you’ve made the commitment to celibacy and can be a great role model to others.”

Or alternately, you could do feel-good things that don’t actually require that you be celibate, but do them with an air of smug-self satisfaction. Try to convince yourself that if everyone was on the receiving end of regular porkings, there’d be no food banks or literacy centers, because we’d all be busy rutting in the street.

Serve others. “We celebrate our decision to wait by serving,”… You can focus on the homeless, the orphaned, the disadvantaged, the abused, the sick, the hurting people of this world. This is wonderful way to celebrate waiting, because as you wait, you are serving the needs of another.”

Armed with these ideas, you’re sure to have a lot to celebrate — and a lot of fun — this month. Go for it!

Uh, yeah, something tells me that National Celibacy Awareness Month will not be overtaking “Fireworks Saftey Month,” “Perennial Gardening Month,” or “Pharmacists Declare War on Alcoholism Month” as our major reason to celebrate June anytime soon.