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What does it mean to be a man in a world where women refuse to follow last century’s script? Well, Laura Sessions Stepp doesn’t fucking know, but she does have a deadline so here, enjoy some random quotes surrounded by some stereotypes, and a completely inappropriate and random reference to Johnny Depp.

If you’re wondering what it takes to be a man these days, check out Johnny Depp’s wrist.

Well, that’s not where I’d start, but OK. Mmmmmm, Johnny Depp. Now there’s a guy I wouldn’t kick out of bed for eating crackers…oh, wait, he’s the ambiguous exemplar. My mistake, I was too busy drooling to notice how gay he may or may not be*.

As the unconstrained Capt. Jack Sparrow in the newly released “Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End,” he wears a wisp of white lace tied just above his left hand.

A token of his feminine side? Perhaps. Or maybe it’s just what Depp said it is: a trophy piece from a young woman.

That’s right, Sessions Stepp starts her essay (I’d say article, but please) on the tragedy of blurred gender roles with a strained reference to an irrelevant fictional character wearing a single band of lace, ignoring two things: one, that Jack Sparrow already explained that it’s a friggin’ prize from a ladyfriend (score!) and two, even if it wasn’t it wouldn’t matter because Jack lived during the late 17- or early 1800’s** and it was fucking OK for men to do all kinds of fruity things then because back then, they weren’t considered fruity.

But a good writer never lets context get in the way of a good point, so already we know the rest of Lauren’s essay it going to be golden.

Swish or swagger? That’s the choice that men — particularly young men — find themselves facing today.

They could just be themselves, but that’s not gonna write any articles for you, so forget I said anything.

…society used to assign certain characteristics to men, including power, aggressiveness, professional success and autonomy. Other, shall we say, swishier traits were expected of women, such as the ability to create and nurture connections, kindness and communication.

Good job, Lauren. Nice and subtle. Yes, those crazy women with their girlie traits, and by girlie we mean totally faggy. Like really, really gay. Homosexual, if you will. It’s as though women express these traits as a way of telling everyone else how much they like the cock. When someone is nice to you, or calls you just to see how you’ve been doing, or arranges a birthday party for some kids and makes sure to do so on a day you can attend, he or she is really telling you how much they enjoy a good pronging with a manly man-stick, if you know what I mean. So you can be sure that when men act in the manner associated with women, it’s not because they are kind or good communicators, it’s because they enjoys the pants-sausage. Am I being clear enough for you? It’s just I want to be sure you’re getting what Lauren’s trying to tell you.

But while catching up with or surpassing men at school and at their first jobs, young women have dumped much of the feminine to embrace the masculine traits that they think represent success.

This has left some young men wondering what it means these days to be a guy. Should they, can they, explore their softer sides in a country that places less value on the feminine than ever before?

God no, don’t do that. If men start being kind and nurturing we as a society might start valuing kind, nurturing behavior like we value ‘the masculine traits that represent success’ then everyone would have a full range of emotions and traits available to them and might begin to lead happy lives free of the kind of gender anxiety that huge swaths of our commercial and political systems depend on to keep people riled up and swallowing shit, and then what would we do? Be reasonable? Please.

Lauren has good reason to be nervous: she’s discovered through the magic that passes for journalism in this country now that some hip hop artists have written songs that are not about smacking the bitches nor the hos (as you can imagine, this incredible factoid itself can blow a a certain type of white person’s mind), and that popular, All-American high school athletes who get to tap all the girls have a little wiggle room to wear pastels in the spring since everyone already knows they are not gay.*** Clearly we have entered a brave new world.

When it comes to mating rituals, young women have rewritten them, leaving some men pining for the clarity of the old days.

Ah ha, now we’re getting somewhere. This whole thing was about male privilege the whole time? Are you sure?

The young man who desires a particular young woman has always had to work for her affection, but years ago he knew what he was supposed to do: Ask her out, pick her up and take her home, times 10.

Today, as likely as not, there is no date. She will drive herself, meet up with him and either offer to pay for herself or insist on paying. She may bolt later, or they may land in bed the same night, but chances are he won’t have a clue why either happened.

“The male has to learn to interpret the direct and indirect actions of the female,” (!!!!!!) (emphasis mine)says Gabriel Harris, a sophomore at Union College in Schenectady, N.Y. “Most of my friends make an effort to do that, but it’s stressful. That’s very different from the generation my father grew up in.”

Yep, we’re sure. Well, ok then, let’s cue up some anguish for these poor lost souls.

Oh, noes! The poor widdle boys have to do the invisible work of the wimmins! Interpreting direct and indirect cues from another person is for women and swishy mcfags! Not for big strong in-control manly men of manliness! What will men do in such a complicated world? How will they deal with the stress? How can we expect them to be manly if they have to learn to cope with stress? Oh, woe, oh woe! He no longer Tarzan, we no longer Jane! What a crazy world! How can we go on in the face of such uncertainty?

But there’s good news! The patriarchy isn’t dead, it’s just more talk than walk at the moment.

So has swagger disappeared? Not at all, says Bill Albert, deputy director of a pregnancy prevention group in Washington and father of a 13-year-old son.

…And when guys in any dress are hanging just with other guys, it’s still all beer and football and whom they slept with last night — even if they didn’t.

The question, author Sandborn says, is how much self-confidence is behind that swagger. His generation of men may have been too macho, but they also were more self-assured.

I’m so glad that there’s a pregnancy prevention group out there whose director understands the importance of properly masculine behavior from boys. Or maybe I got that idea when Albert’s rather neutral statements were used to set up Sandborn’s little theory: the root cause of this nationwide swagger shortage? Three guesses, begins with an “ed” and ends with “ucated women:”

Parents have paid a lot of attention to girls, he explains, and the results are noticeable: His best, most ambitious students at the University of British Columbia law school are, for the most part, women.

“In trying to empower the girls,” Sandborn says, “we implicitly sent a message that the guys were not as good. Women succeeded in creating positive new roles for themselves. What we haven’t come up with is what a positive image of a man would be.”****

That’s some tasty journalism there, Lauren. Can’t see the bias at all.

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*Question for discussion: Is there any role Depp has ever played where you would not willingly sex him six ways to Sunday? Explain.
**Source: inference from Wikipedia reference to British East India Company, and the wooden freaking ships.
***NOT gay.
****Also, NOT gay. Gay is negative. Kids! Don’t be gay! See, Lauren, if you get a blog you can just come out and say it. We know you want to!